I am so confused

Yes, drv, it totally makes sense ... . and there's nothing wrong with you for feeling so confused about it either.

The fear, insecurity, uncertainty, frustration, deep disappointment, and searing emotional pain experienced by those with BPD can, at times, have a very tangible quality that makes really it difficult for anyone with any genuine empathy to NOT sense, respond to, and at least want to TRY to soothe, comfort, assure, support, and heal them as best we can in some way.

You're not alone in feeling so torn. I think, deep down, that's the fundamental problem ALL of us here are having on some level - whether we're staying/trying to make it work, leaving/dealing with having been left, or simply haven't reached a point where we feel confident in any way about what we actually need/want to do.

You sound like you already know you can't/don't want to do this anymore - but have some guilt about feeling that way because of his current situation - that you have stayed/are staying out of a sense of obligation - or, worse, out of fear that you'll be seen/characterized as someone who's selfish, petty, cold, and uncaring.

I would spend some time validating your belief that this relationship really isn't working to meet your basic needs - exploring why you feel so compelled to stay under the circumstances - reminding yourself that he ACTUALLY is/always has been smart, resourceful, resilient, brave, and strong enough to take care of himself - and accepting the fact that taking care of yourself can also mean getting someone else to do it for you.

You don't have to pick a board. You can find value and meaning in any of the things shared by any one of the many people who are here regardless of the status of their BPD relationship.

Take a deep breath. Give yourself a little break from the I dunnos and geez I shouldas today. You deserve it. Really you do.

- TC



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