We live for connection snapp and when we have been dealt a childhood where being shamed and put down was the norm - we shy away from healthy connections and latch onto unhealthy ones because its what we know. Its these unhealthy connections that cause us more shame and pain and anguish and yes unhappiness. Do you see the cycle we create for ourselves?
I understand you want guidance - without you realizing it your thread here is 99% of the personal battle. My thoughts on breaking the cycle:
1. Acknowledging the basic pattern in childhood that have contributed to our adult thought processes, choices and relationship skills
2. Beginning to really look at the faulty beliefs of ourselves and others that those patterns have created - e.g. "my needs don't count" (stems from: my father not permitting me needs and certainly not respecting them - I was not permitted privacy). Start making connections between what we taught and how we behave/think/feel.
Remind yourself there are two sides to reality; that which is, and that which we believe.
3. Feel in our body when we feel shame, guilt, fear - e.g. if your boss was to tell you "snapp, I am so very disappointed you made all those errors on that report" - where do you feel it and what does it feel like?
For me - my face feels very flushed, my stomach starts to knot, my jaw tightens and all I want to do is take flight (flight-fight response) - what are you coping skills in times like this?
When we feel these vulnerabilities - which are all natural feelings by the way and just - we can taper their impact on us so it does not affect our happiness and cause us to dive into unhealthy self talk.
4. Begin positive self talk or use CBT skills to start changing your thinking about yourself, the event - often we tend to catastrophize, dive into black and white thinking (splitting) e.g. “I always fail when I try to do something new; I therefore fail at everything I try”, over generalise "I must be a complete loser and failure” to name a few.
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Our childhood has created some faulty thinking - we need to pause in the moment and start to change the way our minds try to convince us of something that simply isn't true - its usually our childhood script that tries to convince us otherwise... . you were taught from a very young age to obey regardless - start to think about which faulty beliefs are simply trash and work on changing your thinking on a daily basis.
If you can afford it - try and get yourself a therapist!
Priceless
