New Member + what to do when contacted by BPD parent's social worker after NC?

[bellab]

Hi all, this is my first post. I am so happy to find out that this site exists!

I discovered this board today, after being urged by my therapist to look into support groups for BPD family members. I can't believe how similar everyone's stories are to mine--my mother is BPD, and raised me by herself. I've never met anyone with a similar background (mother denying reality, flying into rages then blaming me for causing them, etc), and I've always felt really alone because of it. So thank you so much for sharing. My friends and boyfriend come from such loving and supportive families, I have always felt like a "freak" when I try to explain my background to them--even though they act very nice about it, I can tell that they do not understand.

Thank you all for taking the time to post your stories, it finally makes me feel sane, and like I did not "make up" what went on in my childhood.

I went into limited contact with my mother when I left for college, and then switched to no contact a few years ago after I discovered she had stolen a great deal of money from me when I was underage. When I confronted her about the theft of the money, she dismissed it as "just three or four thousand dollars" (the actual sum was $31,000, left to me by a deceased relative). She then told me that $1,000 of the money was left, but that I couldn't have it, because I would "blow it all" and that she was "saving it" for me for when I "really needed it." Background: I am 31 and have been working full-time and supporting myself for a decade; in that same decade, she has not worked, and survived by taking money from others. I knew then that I had reached my limit, that I would never change her, and that I needed to cut her off and live my life.

So, I am posting because I have a question:

Today, I received a call from a social worker, saying my mother had voluntarily entered an inpatient treatment program to deal with her problems. The social worker wouldn't tell me what reasons had led my mother into the program, and suggested (rather manipulatively, I thought) that I call my mother and find out from her why she was there.

Though I am happy that my mother is finally getting treatment, I simply do not believe she will be honest with me if I call her about her reasons for entering the program. I know it seems that she is trying to get better, but I just can't wash away the past 31 years and start trusting her about this--and given the social worker's interaction with me, I believe that my mother has not honestly told the social worker why we are estranged. I am just so terrified of having to repeat the experience of having my reality with my mother denied, and having an authority figure whom my mother lied to tell me my mother is "not so bad" (this happened all the time when I was a child). What would all of you do in this situation?

Thank you!

[pessim-optimist]

Hi bellab,



Having a parent w/BPD is challenging in many ways... . I am so sorry for what you have gone through. 

You have found a good place where people will understand what you have gone through. That in itself feels wonderful.

You say that you have decided to have no contact with your mother. Does the call from the social worker change the situation in any way for you? What I mean to say is: you may or may not want to pursue this.

After you have weighed all the information available to you, you are free to contact, or to remain with no contact.

BTW - did the social worker say why she had your number or what the purpose of her call was other than to inform you that your mother was there?

Welcome to this site, and feel free to share more of your story.

[bellab]

Thank you for welcoming me! I am just so excited and happy and relieved and full of empathy to read all of your stories.

The social worker said that my mom put me down as her only family contact (she has no living family, no close friends, and never re-married after my dad left) and that she was informing me about a session they do at the hospital for families of BPD patients, explaining the treatment and such (but attending the session does not require interacting with the family member being treated). I haven't been able to decide about going to it or not.

Has anyone else been able to go from NC to a less toxic relationship with a BPD parent, after their parent has received treatment? I didn't want to go NC with her, but it just seemed like the only way to save myself. But I still think about my mom all the time, both about how much she hurt me and how much I miss having a mom.

[pessim-optimist]

The social worker said that my mom put me down as her only family contact (she has no living family, no close friends, and never re-married after my dad left) and that she was informing me about a session they do at the hospital for families of BPD patients, explaining the treatment and such (but attending the session does not require interacting with the family member being treated). I haven't been able to decide about going to it or not.

Do they do it periodically? Would you be able to attend one at a later date if you were not sure about attending this one (that might take off some pressurre and let you decide, what you would like to do).

Has anyone else been able to go from NC to a less toxic relationship with a BPD parent, after their parent has received treatment? I didn't want to go NC with her, but it just seemed like the only way to save myself. But I still think about my mom all the time, both about how much she hurt me and how much I miss having a mom.

That might be a good topic to explore on the  [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw  board, as there are members with similar experiences to yours, and they might have good insight.

What I can tell you right now is that there are two parts of a relationship: yours and hers. If her part changes, there's hope. And likewise - if your part changes (learning about the disorder and how to protect yourself with boundaries and how to connect with her through validation to communicate more effectively, while staying safe), there might be hope too.

That being said, it is important to take care of yourself first, and being educated on the subject, so you don't slip right back into the old toxic patterns.

[GaGrl]

Perhaps you can wait until your mother has completed treatment, and let her make the decision as to reaching out to you first.

[Bella Storm]

Hi bellab,

Sorry you are going through that with your mom. That is good that she is inpatient and that they will hopefully treat her BPD. It sounded like you have your own therapist, and it would probably be good to ask them about what they think would be good for you. I would offer to you that if you do go to the meeting, it should be because you want to be there- not because you have been manipulated and guilted into going. It might also be possible for your therapist to go with you to the meeting if you do decide to go. You probably will want to get the story of why your mom is in treatment from somebody who works at the facility.

Good luck to you. Glad you are here.

Hugs.

~Bella