Question.. How to let go of resentment type feelings...

[seh77]

My diagnosed BPD GF would get so mad at me when I would have to go and tend to OUR horses.  Feeding them and watering.  I would get home at 6-6:30ish no later than 7 instead of 5.  She said it was cutting into our time that I really didn't want to be home.  So I begged for people to help me with MY responsibilty to sooth her.  I tried explaining that they needed to be fed ect.  But to no avail it was always a fuss. 

To put a long story short I had cut my time down to maybe once a week and dependt on other peoples help.  Things happened and the horses are gone.

I know it's my fault... . I made the decision.  But I wouldn't have if forced to it to try and show her I LOVE her. 

How do I get passed this?  Horses have always been a part of my life and now they aren't.  That's what I turned to when my Mother passed away when I was 13.  If not for them who knows where I would be now.

I've been trying to get past this but the resentment is still there.


PLEASE HELP  I want to make things work.  I am trying to learn as much as possible.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi seh77

I'm sorry you were in a position where you had to give up your horses. I'm a horse person myself, so I empathise 

Being able to let go of behaviours and actions that have hurt us is a process. It doesn't happen overnight.

Education yourself about BPD and how it presents itself in relationships is a good start. Then we start to see that many of the things that our partner has said or done are down to the disorder. So that makes it less personal and in time easier to let go of.

We have some articles/workshops about Radical acceptance that are also helpful with this.

Have you had a chance to look at those?

[waverider]

Dont give up what is important to you in order to try and appease neediness. Neediness is Black Hole, it cant be filled. It is not about the issue of the moment. The issue of the moment is just a vehicle to express neediness. Fix that issue and another will be created to replace it.

You can throw everything you have into the Black Hole trying to fill it. At the end you will have given everything up  trying to fill the need. But the need will still be there as big as ever, maybe even worse as it has been validated. This is the basis of resentment.

To overcome this you have to know what is important to you, and know that you have the right to have things that important to you. You have the right to your own boundaries to protect that right

[Grey Kitty]

One of the hard things is carving out some time and energy to put into something that is just for you, and not for your partner. My wife was often really wanting some separate time, so that wasn't too hard... . but whenever I took an interest in a person or activity that pulled me away from her she somehow found a way to object strongly to it.

The only thing I could do was decide that I wasn't going to be making her happy anyhow by giving up everything that mattered to me for her, and simply put my foot down. (NOTE: "simple" is not anywhere near EASY!)

So if finding time to be with horses is something you need to feed your self and your soul, find a way to do it again, and tell your partner that this is important to you and you won't give it up.

Yes, you will get pushback, likely serious pushback. Many of us here have lived through those extinction bursts and found a more reasonable place.