Checking in and needing support

[coworkerfriend]

Hi - it has been a while since I posted.  I still use the workshops/tools often to help me keep on track but I just haven't posted.

Just a little background, I am own a business and am personally involved with my pwBPD.  We went through a really challenging few years until I discovered this board and BPD.  I learned about BPD last September.  I realized how much I was contributing to the problem and have worked hard to remove myself from some of the negative situations that kept arising.  It came to a head in March when I enforced some boundaries on his rages. I had decided to give the whole situation some time to see how it sorted itself out.

Things were moving in a very positive direction - not easy and not perfect but I worked hard on accepting that this is who he is.  He will have bad days - he will have outbursts of anger but I was doing well at detaching from them.  I have also made a very conscience effort to give him space to work through things.  He was even getting to a place where he could tell him that his anxiety was rising and I would give him space.   I felt that was a huge improvement.  Plus since March, he has been seeing his therapist on a more regular basis.  In March, the therapist gave him "time off" since he seemed to be doing well.  That was bad for him.

Early in the summer, we had an opportunity to expand the business.  I had my concerns about how much stress this was going to put on him but we had talked things through and we decided to move forward.  We have had up/downs but it was going well. 

Last week, I was feeling very overwhelmed with work projects - I talked to him about it.  During the conversation, he seemed supportive and said he would help me through it. I told him I needed help getting some of the work done.  We left for the night and I was mildly optimistic.

The next morning, he walked in and I could tell he was completely dysregulated.  He spent a sleepless night thinking about what I said to him and turned it into me saying that he is worthless and does nothing.  I listened to him and didn't say anything.  He started to rage and I left.  He has been all over for the past 5 days.  I have been giving him space - listening at times - but not saying much else.  He keeps telling me that I trapped him and tricked him.  He said that I told him that he does nothing to contribute to the business.  When he is around, I am outwardly very calm.  But my internal panic is setting in.  I can feel my internal stress rising no matter how many times I tell myself that this will pass.

I have been staying away from him.  Giving myself some space to breathe.  I really don't know what else to do.  I guess this is just a reminder that I can't ever let myself forget that he is mentally ill.

I haven't shared my struggles with many.  I have a good friend who I talk to which helps me tremendously. 

I just need some support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Sorry to hear you're experiencing the downside of the cycle   Hang tight knowing that it'll turn around again

It is so easy to forget about the mental illness factor when things are going along nicely  

You're doing great!  Don't get sucked in... .

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Oh, I'm sorry 

As 123Pheobe said, it will turn around.

And as things get better overall, the dysregulations somehow seem worse when they happen. Hang in there! Breath, continue to stay out of it and remember that you don't need to stay in the room for verbal ranting and abuse.

[eyvindr]

coworkerfriend --

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this again. I honestly don't know how you're doing it. I'm not intimate with the details of your story, but it sounds like you have way more of a capacity to deal with the negative emotions coming your way than I've ever been able to.

But, wow! -- Scarlet Phoenix you said it! --

And as things get better overall, the dysregulations somehow seem worse when they happen. Hang in there! Breath, continue to stay out of it and remember that you don't need to stay in the room for verbal ranting and abuse.

This is exactly how I felt, when it happened to me! After my udBPDex and I got back together, following a 2 month break-up, most of which was NC -- things were better, for awhile. I was using the tools (S.E.T, not JADEing, acknowledging, etc.), and it worked for a little while. But, soon, we'd be into one of those things where she'd make some unfounded accusation ("if you met someone new at the gym and you'd rather be with her, just let me know, I won't be mad", I'd try to reassure her that nothing was happening, and she'd push and push and push and not let it go and I'd lose my temper. I don't know why. No matter how seriously I vowed to myself not to (because I could predict 99% of the time when "something" was coming), she'd manage to break through my defenses and find my button-board and bash every last one of them with a sledgehammer. I wish I had the self-discipline and patience that you and some of the other members have. I guess I just don't have enough compassion, and it troubles me pretty deeply.

Apologies for derailing the thread. It's not about me. Hang in there, coworkerfriend. I hope things smooth out soon for you.

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks everyone - and you didn't derail my post, eyvindr, it is all about supporting each other. Phoebe and Scarlet- thank you - I have re read your words a few times already this morning.  I need to hang tight - I can't get sucked in. 


I struggle quite a bit to not let myself get sucked in.  I have mantras I repeat in my head - songs that let me get the thoughts out of my head.  My pwBPD knows EXACTLY how to push my buttons - what to say to hurt me and what to say to make me angry.  He knows me.  If he wants to lash out at me about work, he pushes my buttons about something that happened that he knows upsets me.  If we wants to lash out personally, he knows all my weaknesses and my fears.  Just the other day, he told me that he could make me hate him if he felt like it.  I agreed with him.  Of course he has the power to do that.  I just don't want to believe that he wants me to hate him.

I know now that I was verbally abused for years.  It has been only a few months that I have been leaving when it starts. Some of these habits are hard to break.

Eyvindr - I am sure that you have compassion.  I just know first hand that being in a relationship takes more out of you than anything else I have ever experienced. 

[briefcase]

Managing these relationships is a process with lots of ups and downs.  I'm sorry you're going through one of the "down" times right now.  Keep at it, you have come a long way.   

[coworkerfriend]

This is very down period and it is difficult to wait it out for it to pass.

I want to have faith it will pass and we will move forward again. 

My old bad habits of fear and panic are setting in.  Trying hard to work through them. 

I think I lose perspective of how far we have come.  It is like being lost in a deep forest and not being able to see a way out. 

Thanks for the support.  I appreciate it.

[connect]

Hi Coworkerfriend,

Sorry to hear you are having to go through this.

Am in a similar place myself (just posted about it) I remember the posts from when this happened to you before. The difference this time is that I think you know the tools to use and obviousley you have been using them well over the past few months and things have been getting better overall. When you said you have been leaving when he rages is this something new that you implimented in the past few months when things have been better? This one sounds like a bigger one so has shaken you up. I too am waiting for the panic to set in for me - I am still shell shocked from the huge rage I just got about an hour and a half ago. And as has been said - the rages hit harder after such a good spell - our optimism seems to make us almost forget the dysregulation periods.

I agree that faith is the thing to hang onto here. Yes he has bad patterns but his patterns also show he can return from these periods too.  What are you thinkiing about the business expansion? Has it already happened or can it be put on hold for a few months?

How are things today for you? Sending hugs your way  

[coworkerfriend]

Just wanted to thank everyone - the bad period is passing.  He is coming back from it. 

We have had a few conversations over the past week about him being the only one who can make changes when he is feeling down.  He brought it up - it seems, at times, that he is becoming a bit more self aware.

As always, I see that my inner fears lead me to panic when he dysregulates.  I want to fix it and control it.  In my head, I know that I can't change any of this.  I can only accept this is who he is.

I think that when I leave during the rages, it gives him a chance to self sooth.  I think in the past, I made it easy for him to distract himself by letting him take his anger out of me.

We are moving forward with the expansion - there is not an easy way to stop it.

I know I need to detach more from his moods.  I know that there is much more work to be done on both our parts. 

I will continue to use the tools and this board to help me through it.  Thanks for being here.

[nodoover]

Glad to hear it is getting better. I am going through the same thing, I had years where I responded wrong because I didn't know what he had and since then last 4 months I am reacting different, trying the tools and the better times are lasting longer, but because of this when a bad time comes it makes it worse like you said.

It so easy during the great times to get sucked in and think its all better now, I can handle this. And then pow….

Right now it is fine for me, but after a few weeks of good I got hit with a bad time a few days ago.  They do know our weaknesses and will use it during those times which makes staying stronger even harder.

I find what is helping me is I keep reading this forum even when it is good to remind me that it won't last and I need to be prepared.  I think that is the hardest thing, not to be able to count on a some what normal life ever.

[eyvindr]

My struggle in a nutshell:

I think that is the hardest thing, not to be able to count on a some what normal life ever.

I know that this is not the life that I want, which is why I've broken contact with my ex.

I know it's the right thing for me, and for her, but I feel guilty for not being able to pull off radical acceptance. Lots of internal strife over this.

[coworkerfriend]

Eyvindr - why do you feel guilty?  You should be glad that you know enough about yourself to know that life isn't what you want. 

Let go of the internal strife.  Accept yourself.

[eyvindr]

Thanks for the supportive words, coworkerfriend.

I know. But I see how some others apparently are able to do it. And I loved her so much. When she wasn't dsyregulated, we shared so much joy together. Lots of laughter and affection -- everything seemed possible.

It's just the heartbreak part kicking in. I know that what I want is a r-ship where the joy is ongoing and far outweighs the inevitable bumps in life, and that it's just not possible with her. But I really wanted it with her, and believe she wanted it with me, too.

Hating this disease again.

[coworkerfriend]

Whether you stay or whether you go, the disease it heartbreaking.

When you see the potential and it is lost, that is heartbreaking.

Even though we have so much in common, every single circumstance is different.  Every reason to stay or leave is different.

I own a business with my pwBPD.  We have a personal relationship as well.  He has been in therapy over 15 years.  He hasn't been officially diagnosed but he knows his mental wiring is different than mine.

I needed radical acceptance to survive.  I needed to use the tools and stop being a victim.  I needed to become stronger and to move forward. 

I am redefining my definition of normal.  I am trying.  Not always succeeding or feeling solid with it but I am trying. 

[yeeter]

Hugs coworker     

Keep staying focused on the things you NEED to get/stay strong/healthy.  Take care of yourself, both emotionally and physically. 

Stay engaged with friends and family, and things that give you positive energy.

[eyvindr]