I'm bargaining.

[PhoenixRising15]

Maybe this should go in the inventory thread, maybe the staying thread.  I don't know.

Since my ex's last contact (a 15 second silent phone call from a blocked number) I've been ruminating.

IMF put it best.  I could almost hear her words if I asked why she called (I haven't - No contact).  She needed to hear my voice.  to know i wasn't gone.  To know if i had changed my number yet.

I've been in magical thinking land. 

Someone told me in another thread, "QF, you don't really know this person".

I do.  She is an angry angry abandoned child.  She was abandoned by everyone who's ever loved her in every way. 

i hate seeing it.  I've been there.  Maybe I'm still there.

I just want to clean the yuck off of her to who she was a few years ago.  She even said this to me towards the end. "I don't know who I've become.  I don't know how I let myself get this way.  I can't believe I'm one of those kids who had a hited up childhood and now I'm a hited up drug addict"

She talked about who she used to be and who she wants to be, and that's what I fell in love with.

That isn't the person who I talked to for the past 6 months.  I battled her demons for her, and she even admitted that.

My fantasy, that I share, is that she somehow ditches the drugs and gets some serious therapy and we find each other in the future.

I know for the time being I can't be around her.  I'm far too angry.  I doubt any word she ever said to me.  I doubt everything about her.  I'm angry she cheated.  I'm angry she lied.  I'm angry she finally gave up, when I started enforcing boundaries and validating her.

I can't predict the future, but I know her and her patterns well enough.  She admitted she wanted to go off to europe, party, be single, and "grow up".

She tried to keep me on the back burner and that burns deeply.

I wish I could forget all that she's done and said, so I could imagine a happy future together.  But forgiving her for these things for me would require acts of validation, compassion, and remorse.

None of which I see her as capable of while she sustains a drug habit with an enabling family and junkie friends and hops from guy to guy to soothe her.

I want to give up hope on this person.  I want to let her go into my higher power's hands.  I want to accept her being gone, and wish her well in my mind, and think, hey maybe well bump into each other on the street right now.

I feel so weak and pitiful saying that. 

How could I forgive someone who did and said all those terrible things to me?  How could I ever trust someone who betrayed me, disrespected me, and stomped on my trust?

I wish I could but I'd lose all respect for myself in the process.

I've got my own work to do on myself.  Even as I type this I see that.  But the answer is I can't.  She has to change herself, get well, or at least want to on her own, and extinguish some of these terribly hurtful behaviors before I could even talk to her.

I feel like by going NC i've cut off that chance.  I want to see NC as a way to heal myself, but I know it's hurting her too, and I hate to see her hurt.

Perhaps there is no happy ending here.  Perhaps there is.  It hurts to hope.  I want to give that up too.

I fantasize about getting a letter from her understanding how she hurt me, because I've written those letters to others in the past.  After I got some heavy duty therapy and worked through alot of stuff, I worked on making amends to those I've hurt.

Is it so wrong to bargain with myself that she has that capacity?

I don't know.

I know she'll be back.  I feel the contact coming on.  If not this weekend, then next.  If not then, certainly when she gets back.  It's just her pattern.

I tried in the past to get my needs met by helping show her how to meet those needs, and I'm afraid she'll convince me to let her try again.

My head and my heart are disconnected, despite the physical, verbal, emotional abuse, lying and cheating.

The roller coaster keeps going even without her here.

:'(

[Turkish]

How could I ever trust someone who betrayed me, disrespected me, and stomped on my trust?

The bottom line, aside from your idealization from her (what I get from what you wrote), is that you can't.

Ever.

It's who she is.

[Ironmanrises]

Question,

I feel for you brother.

You got close enough to her... .

To see... .

What lies beneath the mask.

An adult... .

Stuck... .

In her childhood... .

During a traumatic phase.

A person... .

Who has not healed.

A person... .

Who has so been wounded... .

That she destroys... .

Those who get closest... .

To her.

With such ferocity... .

And such viciousness... .

Which is... .

Quite horrifyingly... .

A reflection... .

Of what she underwent... .

As a young child.

Not that... .

That excuses her behavior.

Not in any fashion.

You are paying the bill... .

For whatever happened... .

To her... .

Years back.

My exUBPDgf... .

Told me such brutal stories... .

Of her childhood.

Were they true... .?

Her BPD did not... .

Spring forth out of nowhere.

And I can imagine... .

It was the same for yours.

Do not let her back in.

Her other side... .

Will reappear.

And she will hurt you... .

Even far more viciously.

If I were to let mine... .

Back into my life... .

For a 3rd time... .

Can you imagine... .

What the discard would be... .

Considering how it has escalated... .

The first 2 times... .?

Would she cheat me on this time... .?

If she hadn't done before... .?

Would she get pregnant... .

And then discard me... .

Leaving a future child of mine... .

And me in a state of chaotic limbo... .?

And those are all real possibilities.

I know you wish to help her.

Trust me... .

I do.

That is your empathy.

That is your compassion.

To nurture.

To help.

I am the same way.

The brutal... .

And unfortunate... .

Reality... .

All of your compassion... .

And empathy... .

Will only... .

Get you really close... .

To her... .

To let her mask fall... .

So that... .

That other side... .

Emerges... .

To annihilate... .

That very love... .

That she needed... .

The most... .

In childhood... .

And never received.

And she will... .

Unleash... .

All of that venom... .

Onto you... .

As a result.

She has hurt you... .

On far too many levels... .

Brother.

Her disorder... .

Will twist... .

Your goodness... .

Into the distortion... .

That is within her... .

And drown you in it... .

In the process.

Your words... .

Could very well describe my exUBPDgf.

As I am sure... .

Everyone else's on here too.

She will try and contact you again.

You know this.

That is the pattern.

It is like clockwork.

Your healing... .

Depends... .

On her staying... .

On that other side... .

Of NC.

Stay with us here brother.

You are safe here.

And not alone...

[Traumatized]

I'm sorry you're going through all this.  I know how painful it is dealing with a drug addict who is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive.  I've been dealing with this type of person too.  It's a no win situation.

[Traumatized]

You are paying the bill... .

For whatever happened... .

To her... .

Years back.

That's a great way to put it.

[hopealways]

Ironman, I know you are going through a very difficult time as part of your healing, but I wanted you to know that you are helping the rest of us heal so much with your amazing posts.  Thank you so much.  I hope it helps YOU to heal, knowing that you help SO MANY people on this board on a daily basis. God bless you Ironmanfalls.

[Traumatized]

Ironman, I know you are going through a very difficult time as part of your healing, but I wanted you to know that you are helping the rest of us heal so much with your amazing posts.  Thank you so much.  I hope it helps YOU to heal, knowing that you help SO MANY people on this board on a daily basis. God bless you Ironmanfalls.

AGREED!

[Ironmanrises]

Hope, Badly... .

You guys are helping me too.

Know that.

All of you.

My thanks and gratitude... .

In return.


Simply understanding... .

Goes a long way.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Ironman, I know you are going through a very difficult time as part of your healing, but I wanted you to know that you are helping the rest of us heal so much with your amazing posts.  Thank you so much.  I hope it helps YOU to heal, knowing that you help SO MANY people on this board on a daily basis. God bless you Ironmanfalls.

Hear hear! Yes, "AGREED" from me too.

IronManFalls, you help me a lot. Take strength from that, from how your compassion and humanity mean you help others even in your own pain and darkness.

[heartandwhole]

QF,

I'm sorry that you are hurting.  This is so rough, and I have been there, too.  It hurts to imagine the pain that our partners are/were in, and adds to our own. 

I wanted to save my partner from that pain.  I tried really hard, but I couldn't.  No matter how perfectly I loved him.

I realize now that my desperate need to stop his pain was me wanting to stop my own.  So, I turned toward myself and dealt with my own hurt.  It's all any of us can do, my friend.

This is part of the recovery. We're here for you. 

[Ironmanrises]

Escaped,

You help others too... .

Including me.

Know that as well.

Thank you.

[ucmeicu2]

  It hurts to imagine the pain that our partners are/were in, and adds to our own... .I wanted to save my partner from that pain.  I tried really hard, but I couldn't.  No matter how perfectly I loved him... .I realize now that my desperate need to stop his pain was me wanting to stop my own.  So, I turned toward myself and dealt with my own hurt.  It's all any of us can do, my friend... .This is part of the recovery.

wow heartandwhole, this is (especially what i bolded) quite brilliant insight, if you don't mind me saying so.

it made a lightbulb go off in my head that helps me to understand the great lengths i took to help her. 

i mean seriously, the things i saw/heard/dealt with in those 3-4 years, from the self-harming atrocities that included bloody cuttings, to the hardcore alcoholism that turned into DT's if she didn't drink, to the DUI's, to the ED (eating disorders) of starving/binging/purging, the insane revolving door of the push/pull dynamics, pulling her hair sometimes til almost bald... .all of it - ANY OF IT - if anybody else had done even ONE of those things i would've kicked them to the curb so fast your head would spin.  but with her?  the sicker she got the harder i tried.   <sigh>   

i am actually astonished when i write it out like this, what i put up with, how bad it got, how sick she got progressively... .i guess i was witnessing her having a complete breakdown.  i think b/c she loved me so much, more than anyone ever before, that it made her scared of abandonment more than anybody else had before and in her effort to stay with me she took out all that fear and terror out on herself until eventually we were on the verge of something irrevocably bad happening.  and in order to save her life she had to go into complete denial about who i was to her, her confusion abt her sexuality, her deep love for me, all of it. 

after dreaming for so long of getting back together with her, now i'm afraid that even if she has improved greatly that if we got back together the same cycle would start again and our mutual ruination would again become inevitable.  god how i still dearly love and miss that beautiful enchanting angelic sick evil woman.  with her i really did get heaven and hell. 

heaven and hell... .  when i was in the hell, i couldn't wait to get away and then after being away, i couldn't wait to get back to the heaven.  whoever coined the term "women: can't live with 'em can't live without 'em" surely must've been with a woman with BPD!

hope that stream of consciousness makes sense to somebody

icu2