Fearing Contact?

[bauers220]

This has changed in recent times for me - from missing her and wanting contact when she goes N/C with me... . now I dread it - and look for it at the same time.  Since she is angry with me - believing I did something unforgivable - this very well may take the form of a very mean email.

Or she may land flat on her face missing me (so she will say) and say she was so wrong and can't live without me (again if she could she wouldn't leave all the time - she lives just fine while she's away).

Part of me would like to know she doesn't see me as bad - so contact would validate that I didn't do anything wrong... . and the other part of me says - wake up stupid - she is doing you a FAVOR!  It could be the BEST gift she ever gave me to stay gone... . except this woman has never done right by me - why would she now?

[Validation78]

Hi Bauers!

I'm sure that when this happens, it's very hard on you emotionally, and my heart goes out to you.

I venture to guess that you know this type of behavior, the back and forth stuff, is not typical in relationships with healthy folks. While you are apart, it may be a good time to think about why you are willing to endure this and to keep going back to it. Also, ask yourself why it is so important to you what she thinks of you. That's a hard one, because many of us do focus on what others think of us. Try this on for size. Ask yourself what the truth of the matter is. Are you a bad person? Have you done something wrong? If the answers are yes, then of course, you may want to address that. If the answer is no, what is there to torture yourself over? Live your truth, and stop allowing her truth to influence you! Time apart can be spent taking care of yourself, and tending to your own needs!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[bauers220]

Thank you - and yes I do know this is not normal.  I had one other relationship 20 years ago that was similar to this and it took me 18mos to get out of it.

This is where "distorted reality" comes in.  No I am NOT a bad person.  I have been guilty of loving her - and putting up with behavior that someone else would have never tolerated.  Even she has asked why I love her so much.  My ONLY crime was being with someone during one of our splits.  To her I cheated - or cross her boundaries as she put it.  My best instincts had me avoiding being truthful with her.  But my mentor insisted we both had to come clean about anything we were keeping from each other. 

She very well may be gone for good... . then I think of the fact that I was the only someone in her life that she could be herself with - and I mean both the good AND bad... . so who knows.

It would hurt to never have vindication on it - but thats more my own issue.  I don't want her back.  I was too scary emotionally after this one... . my kids deserve better.

[Validation78]

Sounds like you know what's best for you! That's great!

Now focus on yourself. Examine the questions like why did you allow her to keep coming back after a break up? Why did you want her to come back? She may be ill, however, this is an issue that says something about ourselves!

You may also want to take a look at the concept of FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. It is what often keeps us doing from what we know is best for ourselves!

You can hope for vindication, however, it will probably not come from her. The good thing is, you can find it within yourself! You must be truthful with yourself, and take comfort in your truth, and if necessary, forgiveness of yourself if you did anything that you don't feel good about!

Best Wishes,

Val78