I can't help but feel more alone than ever. The only 2 people in the world who looked out for me and loved me unconditionally, are dead. Unreachable. I have my boyfriend, and he loves me and looks out for me now. But knowing the emotional rollercoaster I'm on... . I have a hard time trusting he won't want off. This is why I need help. I need to learn to stabilize my anxiety/emotions so we can continue to be happy... .
Ugh... . where to start. I wish I could just come on here and have people know exactly what I want to say and need to say without having to go through paragraph after paragraph of back story.
This post is much longer than I intended... . so thank you for those of you who read all of this. I need as much help as I can get, and if anyone has been through this... . if nothing else, please tell me it gets easier.
-My mom asked me to go to her house 20+ miles away last christmas-time to shovel snow. I said no it wasn't safe, I wasn't comfortable (it really wasn't safe). She then told me I was dead to her. I stopped talking to her, spent christmas with my bf and my best friend/her husband instead of with family.
Since then I've managed to put that episode behind me for the most part and try having a relationship with my mom again. I was doing really well on boundaries, and we weren't getting in many knock down drag outs. She injured her back and had to have back surgery so I was on call 24/7 and some if not most of my boundaries seemed to get thrown out the window. I was constantly in an anxious state, and it was mostly bc of her.
Longer story short: my dream job/career might actually be coming together for me. I got an opportunity, I chose to take it. Now, my mom being the UBPD person she is decided to play "devil's advocate". In my life, "devil's advocate" is her way to feel like she has permission to all over whatever I'm going through. I have people (people who know what I'm going through and what I'm trying to do, and they've already succeeded in doing it ahead of me) supporting me and answering my questions in order to help me break into my chosen career path. I don't need anyone naysaying and ___ting all over my good news. Especially my mother. Someone who is supposed to love and support you right?
I wrote a really long email about how I just wanted someone to share in my joys and my excitement and not to be bombarded with advice I didn't ask for. What was she going to do if I got engaged? Pregnant? How was I supposed to come to her with the big things if she acted like this for something so... seemingly small. I didn't send the email. Decided it wasn't worth the drama.
SIDE NOTE: She wanted a dog. She tried to get a rescue, she turned out to be allergic. She wanted to get a puppy from my friend who's dog had a litter of puppies 12 ish weeks ago. See previous post: my mom's an f*ing hoarder. I didn't feel comfortable letting my friends give my mom a dog when her house was in the state it is in. It's not safe for her or for the dog, and for GOD's sake she just had BACK SURGERY!
After saying a firm no a million times to her and my friends-- it didn't matter. She was going to get a dog from the pound if I didn't help her get one from my friends. My friends needed to find homes for these dogs, so I said fine.
I told my mom I still had concerns. I tried telling her all the things she wasn't thinking of; like how a dog pees anywhere it wants until it's well trained, and even sometimes after it's well trained. How a dog chews on anything it can get ahold of (like a phone cord, a pack of gum, dirty or clean kleenex, etc). I told her I didn't think she'd proven to me or anyone including herself that she could change her behavior/habits and clean up enough for a dog to thrive and be happy in her home. I told her that I wanted her to stop telling me she didn't need a parent, stop fighting me, and to use that energy to show me that both my friend and I could trust her to have a dog. Especially when it was my neck on the line and not hers.
-------------
Further back story:
Since my grandmother died last year, it's like she's reverted back to childhood. She expects me to do all the things her mother still did for her (which my grandmother was not happy about doing btw, but she never had the courage to say otherwise). My gma did her dishes, her laundry, cooked her meals, paid for them/us to go out to dinner, all kinds of things a 50 year old woman shouldn't have needed her 80 year old mother to do for her.
--------------
My mom snapped at me during the conversation about the dog, told me she didn't have to prove anything to me or to anyone else. She didn't want anything to do with a dog that "reflected upon me". I told her that telling me "she didn't have to prove anything" was proving my point that she's not mature enough or responsible enough for a dog, especially considering the condition of her home. Then I told her that the pound actually does home inspections now before approval of adoption! She told me all about how they didn't, and blah blah blah. I told her she could argue all she wanted but it was true and she just didn't like what I was telling her even though it was the truth.
She told me "No, I just don't like you."
It didn't really hit me until the conversation ended shortly thereafter. I don't need this. This isn't healthy. A normal and healthy person doesn't continue to have relationships with people who tell them untrue, nasty things about themselves.
I'm done having conversations about how I'm selfish, abusive, careless, lazy, a bad daughter, a bad person, dishonest, a liar, unappreciative, etc, etc, etc. I'm tired of having to defend myself every other conversation. Regardless of whether I'm giving her a dose of reality, or just telling her about my day; 1/2 of our conversations end in her telling me one of a hundred ways about how awful I am. A minute number of my conversations end in her telling me how proud she is of me etc etc. I don't believe this conversation when it happens. It feels forced, fake, and insignificant in comparison to all the detail and reason she has behind thinking I'm a bad person/daughter.
I sent her a text message that basically said thus:
"I gave my friend your phone number. I'm out. I really do want you to have a dog. One of these dogs because they're awesome. As far as we're concerned-I'm done. I'm tired of making excuses for you and I'm tired of cleaning up after you. If I'm not allowed to "parent"-I'm done cleaning up after you: in your house, with your drunk friends' car accidents, whatever it is. You told me to look at my life- I didn't ask you for help with the bank [I've got a situation with my finances that isn't fun and requires legal assistance]. I informed you, trying to have a conversation and share what's going on in my life with you. I didn't ask you for help with my dentist, or my rent, or my relationship, or anything but the ONE thing you offered to help me with. Since you lost your mother last year, you've been acting like a child. Maybe because she didn't call you on your s*it like she wanted to, or like I do. You say i need to fall on my ___ in order to learn but you're a hypocrite. She held your hand until she died [she really did]. Your mother was kind because she was your mother [my mom told me that I was mean and her mother was much kinder to her in parenting]. My mother tells me all the ways she hates me. I'm done feeling responsible for your life going well or going poorly. I've been worrying and concerning myself with you and what to help you with and how you're doing and feeling guilty for telling you no. I'm tired of it. I need to live my life. You cause me anxiety. You treat me nicely only to pull the rug out and tell me how much you don't like me. Every conversation that goes someway other than the way you want it to turns into a conversation about how mean and rude I am. How I'm a bad daughter, how I'm selfish. How I don't appreciate anything. You told me last year I was dead to you because I didn't come shovel your driveway. So many people don't understand how I could still talk to you. I tried because i love you and more than anything I want you to love me in a true and emotional way. You have broken my spirit and torn me down too many times. I'm broken. I give up. I love you. I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore." then I sent later "Maybe at a later time in life we can each be better to each other and try again."
She didn't respond. [But she blocked me on facebook] Then 2 days later she starts texting me trying to guilt trip me about how I "crushed the neighbor boy's hopes of having an after school puppy sitting job". She told me how my friend could come see the house and what a great job she's done of keeping it clean [b.s.] Then the next day she goes on to start talking about construction she's deciding to have done on the house [the hoarder house that probably isn't going to get anything out of what she puts into it financially because of the economy, the housing market, and the area she's in].
Then she sent me a picture today of the puppy in her bed.
I'm feeling so much guilt, and like I need to "undo what i did" because in her head I'm sure this whole thing has just "proven her right". Her friends all tell me I do more than any adult daughter/child would do. That I can't make her happy, that she pushes people away with her behavior... . they all see it and her for who she really is... . and yet I feel like total crap.
Every single one of my friends who knows me (and some who don't even know me that well) tell me they're proud of me and I'm doing the right thing in choosing my mental health.
My boyfriend told me "you can't make anyone love you babe. It's not up to you."
I just can't understand why I don't have a mother that acts like a mother. She acts like a bratty, self involved, vindictive older sister. (I'm an only child so I can only compare to cinderella and the like.)
Why can't I just let it go and move on? Why does this have to be so hard?
**I don't have a therapist right now because I don't have health insurance and I don't have the balls to apply for medicaid.
