Any thoughts appreciated

[TigerEye]

I have just run in to my exBPDgf's D21 and she has told me that the man with whom my then gf had an emotional affair with has died. They started the affair last year whilst in residential rehab, he was there for a serious drug addiction which he returned to after leaving the facility. I believe it was this that finally killed him. The affair affectedly ended at the end of last year.

The affair had a devastating impact on our relationship at the time and contributed to the loss of trust in her which resulted in me finishing the r/s nearly 4 months ago. There has been LC since then, we had to spend a week together working back in June, but I have not seen her since then. There have been regular attempts to reengage me since then which I have not taken up. I am making a conscious effort to stay clear and work on me with T and Mindfulness practice. I am getting ready to leave the country in a few days to work for the next 6-7 weeks, which I have been looking forward to as a chance to remove myself further from any drama and to concentrate on me, and from what I've heard, there is much drama including a visit to A&E for treatment of a serious incident of self harm, possibly caused by her dealing with the death of this man.

My dilemma is, do I do what my compassionate side wants, which is to send a simple text sending condolences, or do what my head says which is to leave well alone? I cannot yet stop caring about this woman, she is after all a human being that is having to deal with a debilitating and destructive illness that was not of her making. This would not be a reason to reengage for me, only to show some compassion.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Tigereye, I suggest that you sit with your feelings more before doing anything.  What is the real reason that you want to get back in touch with your Ex?  Is the death of her BF just an excuse for you to reach out to her?  I suggest you tread carefully here.  Lucky Jim

[TigerEye]

Thank you Lucky Jim, wise words. I have only found out today, and it explains the feverish attempts to reengage by her this past weekend. There has been a definite air of cognitive dissonance in my head of recent, hence the desire to go on this job and get some real space.

There are still a few days for me to work out my reasons for wanting to do this, I have T tomorrow as well, so I will sit on it for now and see what feels right.