Feel Like I've Stopped Making Progress

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been awhile since I've posted so here's a brief timeline.

-uBPDexgf and I were together about 6 months.

-I ended it after all the chaos and emotional and physical cheating in Nov 2012.

-She got a bf instantly but her and I continued to be physical.

-She got engaged at the end of March and even then her and I hooked up.

-She got married at a court house in May yet still said she loved and missed me.

-The last time we were physical together was in June - right before she told me about the May marriage.

-I went NC with her in July even after she kept telling me she missed and loved me.

-July through August I'd get calls/texts/emails begging to talk to me.

-Mid Aug I email her that I wish her the best but that we can't be friends like she wants. She gets angry and finally goes silent.

-She has her actual wedding a few days later.

-NC since and for about a month.

I don't get it. In the last 2 months I've only emailed her twice and both were about NC. I feel like I should be so much more far along by now but I find myself missing her more and I feel like I've hit a plateau in recovering. I haven't dared search for her on social media since NC because I know there will be wedding pictures and that will hurt bad. I know this girl isn't good for me but I still have this layer of sadness regarding the whole situation. She was so chaotic with me and she was with her current guy while I was around too. I just don't understand how they've stayed together this long (and gotten married). It's not my business but I'd love to see them break up/get divorced. It pisses me off that this guy gave her what she wanted (marriage) even with her bad behavior towards him, the same behavior she had with me.

She will move 5000 miles away in about 2 months and that is bothering me as well. It shouldn't... I'll be able to not have to worry about running into her. At the same time it really makes it feel over, which I've realized that 100% accepting is pretty hard - even when you're the one that asked for NC. I think a lot of the depression comes from the feeling like she is moving on to bigger and better things... but it just doesn't seem fair or earned. She just found some guy willing to put up with the emotional/physical cheating and alcoholism and now seems to have things going well. Things aren't going bad for me but I just feel this anger and sadness about how everything played out. I hate being the last bf before she got married. The others before me probably got that validation when the next guy didn't work out. I didn't get that and it's even worse since she got married.

Don't know the point of this post. Just frustrated that I miss her and still feel this sadness even after we broke up in Nov, last saw each other in June, and last had real contact in July. I shouldn't wish divorce on her but a part of me thinks that if the relationship works out, a part of me will be hurting for a long time.

[me757]

It's been awhile since I've posted so here's a brief timeline.

-uBPDexgf and I were together about 6 months.

-I ended it after all the chaos and emotional and physical cheating in Nov 2012.

-She got a bf instantly but her and I continued to be physical.

-She got engaged at the end of March and even then her and I hooked up.

-She got married at a court house in May yet still said she loved and missed me.

-The last time we were physical together was in June - right before she told me about the May marriage.

-I went NC with her in July even after she kept telling me she missed and loved me.

-July through August I'd get calls/texts/emails begging to talk to me.

-Mid Aug I email her that I wish her the best but that we can't be friends like she wants. She gets angry and finally goes silent.

-She has her actual wedding a few days later.

-NC since and for about a month.

I don't get it. In the last 2 months I've only emailed her twice and both were about NC. I feel like I should be so much more far along by now but I find myself missing her more and I feel like I've hit a plateau in recovering. I haven't dared search for her on social media since NC because I know there will be wedding pictures and that will hurt bad. I know this girl isn't good for me but I still have this layer of sadness regarding the whole situation. She was so chaotic with me and she was with her current guy while I was around too. I just don't understand how they've stayed together this long (and gotten married). It's not my business but I'd love to see them break up/get divorced. It pisses me off that this guy gave her what she wanted (marriage) even with her bad behavior towards him, the same behavior she had with me.

She will move 5000 miles away in about 2 months and that is bothering me as well. It shouldn't... I'll be able to not have to worry about running into her. At the same time it really makes it feel over, which I've realized that 100% accepting is pretty hard - even when you're the one that asked for NC. I think a lot of the depression comes from the feeling like she is moving on to bigger and better things... but it just doesn't seem fair or earned. She just found some guy willing to put up with the emotional/physical cheating and alcoholism and now seems to have things going well. Things aren't going bad for me but I just feel this anger and sadness about how everything played out. I hate being the last bf before she got married. The others before me probably got that validation when the next guy didn't work out. I didn't get that and it's even worse since she got married.

Don't know the point of this post. Just frustrated that I miss her and still feel this sadness even after we broke up in Nov, last saw each other in June, and last had real contact in July. I shouldn't wish divorce on her but a part of me thinks that if the relationship works out, a part of me will be hurting for a long time.

[Jbt857]

I feel you. Me and my BPDh finally broke up in February. I ended it. I was doing ok. Pretty good. I think after the past 9 years, it was just a relief. In August he started reeling me back in, only to then tell me he'd met someone else. I hit a brick wall.

I'm back on the upward trajectory again, mostly through keeping on with the positive things I was doing before - seeng friends, pursuing my interests, excercising, reading this forum.

Try and be realistic. Do you really think her and this guy will work out? It's a recipe for disaster.

My friend put it brilliantly. He told me I'd got my get out of jail free card, and I played it. He's right. Know that she won't be winning any wife of the year trophies any time soon and be thankful you're not the fool who's going to have that to deal with when it hits. Look at what their marriage is made on: infidelity, lies, alcohol abuse. How do you think that's going to work out?

Of course it's sad. Of course you miss her. I miss mine so bad sometimes, but the truth is, I miss what we could have been, not what we were. I miss the illusion, not the reality. Lose the rose tinted glasses. If I had been worth saving, you'd have (both) saved it.

Keep looking and moving forward. What you feel is part of the process. We all have us and down, but nothing continues indefinitely. It will get better.

[Surnia]

me757

so sorry to hear that you are feeling stuck on the way to detachment.

Its okay to feel sad and angry about her fast moves and the marriage. Can you accept this?

What about new things in your life? Like a project or a new hobby or some renovation in you rooms? I am not opting for rushing in the next rs. To have some changes however can help to move on. Our brain needs something to focus on.

Hang in there, it will get better. 

[Learning_curve74]

Hey me757, you said that she had been emailing, calling, and texting through mid-August, so you've really been getting a low level exposure to her that whole time. It's only really been a month since you've been strict NC. It seems like for most people on the Leaving board, it takes strict NC for us to really start working on detaching because there's always that little piece of cheese hanging there enticing us into the mousetrap otherwise.

If you want a reality check about how "perfect" their marriage is going to be, beyond the fact that she was cheating on her husband with you and telling you that she loves you even though she married him!, please feel free to read as much of the Staying board posts as you can take. One of those members could very well be her husband!

pwBPD are steeped in denial. You don't have to be. It's okay to be angry. What's not okay is to deny the facts, and once you acknowledge them, your vision can start to be clearer. Best wishes to you me757. 

[me757]

Thanks for the replies. I needed that. Jbt857, you are right... I miss the illusion. I must remember that is all it really is. Surnia, it is hard to accept what has gone down because now that I'm more removed from the chaos, it seems so crazy in hindsight. It doesn't seem real. Part of the reason I get mad is that it just feels like this whole experience has cheapened marriage for me. Luckily, I do have a lot of hobbies which really help. Learning_curve74, you are right about acknowledging the facts. She cheats, lies and only cares about her needs. Not a good combo for a relationship or marriage.