Guilt: now and before

[DeRetour]

Tonight I thought I'd reflect on something that I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. Guilt has come up a lot both in my last relationship with my uBPD-exGF, as well as with my FOO. I have recently begun to address issues with chronic anxiety. I was diagnosed with Gen. Anxiety, but I feel I have social anxiety as well. I mention this because I feel that guilt contributes significantly to the anxiety.

So, guilt... . tonight, my ex texted me. I've maintained NC, but admittedly still looked at her texts. She's expressed regret, sorrow,etc. Then texted again letting me know she was waiting in front of my building, asking if I'd see her. I resisted. This serves as a good barometer for where I'm at in the recovery process. I noticed that I tensed up - heart rate increased, stomach knot tightened, breathing got shallow, and I nearly froze up. Now that I write this, I'm thinking it's not just guilt, but anxiety. Well, the two seem to go hand-in-hand.

In this last relationship, I often felt guilt for not taking enough care of my ex. Guilt has often turned to sorrow, even tears still well up if I'm alone (or alone among happy couples), and I think of how much pain and confusion she probably lives with every day. Every time she showed just how severely burned she was from her life, I so badly wanted to protect her, and absorb her pain until it disappeared. I learned that it was never enough. And in the end, I never got the loyal life partner that I wanted in her.

Okay, since this is really about looking at ourselves, I'll go back to FOO guilt. It's hard for me to really think of a time when I didn't feel guilty in my childhood, haha. What I do remember is that anytime I'd do something that made me really feel proud (or simply happy) to be me, I'd feel guilty. I had issues with my dad - violence, stress, controlling behaviors, etc. However, he's deceased and I'd rather focus on my mom in this thread.

I love my mom, and these days we talk at least once a week - the most regular contact I've had with her in years. It's been hard to face this, but I think my mom has NPD traits. It's possible both of my parents had this, now that I think about it. I do know that a lot of my guilt really comes from anytime I began to feel good about myself. So, I learned to hide a lot of pleasure I had in and with myself.

So, what does this mean now? It means that I've spent so much of my life selling myself short, not speaking up enough, and not having fully satisfying relationships with people. I feel so incredibly bitter and lonely. I have a lot of resentment towards my mom and I feel guilty for it. Thoughts on my mom's narcissism could probably use a whole other thread, to be honest. But, that's where I'm at right now. And regarding my last relationship... I really think that I stayed with my uBPD-exGF simply because she felt so much like home, it's really quite eerie.

I've spent so much of my life living in someone else's shadow, selling myself short. It's really up to me to change this for good. The scary thing here is that I think there's a belief that goes something like this: If I'm fully myself, I might not be loved (at least not for the long run!). That's something for me to work on.

Anyone get to that point or have a similar belief - where you thought that if you were truly yourself, proud and enjoying yourself, that you'd not get the love you needed? How do you change this?

Thanks, as always!

deretour

[Rose Tiger]

I think it comes from being totally ok with being by yourself.  Enjoying your own company so that if an unhealthy person threatens to walk out, you say, ok bye.  And be ok with it.  Unhealthy people don't want you to feel good about yourself, that take the focus off them.  They will unconsciously use trauma bonds to keep you attached, believing that no one else could possibly love you if you walk away.  It's all a farce.  An illusion.

Healthy people want to see you succeed, they applaud your accomplishments.  They support you through your sorrows and encourage you.  They don't say you must be a particular way to have their friendship.  They accept you, warts and all, just as you are.

But you've got to love yourself enough to put the boundaries with unhealthy people and don't get sucked into people pleasing to win their affection.  Love you!  Unconditional self love and acceptance.  Be ok with yourself without others around.  Learn to enjoy and appreciate your own company.  Then as you let others in, if they bring that heavy feeling down on your shoulders, lessen that contact and develop other friendships.  There are good folks out there.  Boundaries are what you develop to open the gates to healthy and close to unhealthy.  Be good to you. 

[DeRetour]

Healthy people want to see you succeed, they applaud your accomplishments.  They support you through your sorrows and encourage you.  They don't say you must be a particular way to have their friendship.  They accept you, warts and all, just as you are.

This is exactly what I need to remember. I told myself this during my relationship with my uBPD-exGF. I told myself I needed something healthy. But, ah! I see that I encounter resistance to the thought of being in love with someone completely healthy. It’s been hard to admit, but thoughts come up like:

“Boring.”

“She won’t make my heart beat like crazy.”

“Yeah, but will the sex be nearly as mind-blowing?”

"But if she isn't so expressive, how do I know she really wants me for the long run?"

Or, “I won’t get those tears that I got with my uBPD-exGF.”

This is a good thing for me. Here, I can identify a wall of resistance - a physical boundary from the healthier world. What do I mean by this? Emotionally, I’ve been attached…addicted to the belief that there won’t be any passion without that crazy factor. Or, as you put it, the trauma bond.

They will unconsciously use trauma bonds to keep you attached, believing that no one else could possibly love you if you walk away.  

This is essentially one dimension of my own Relationship Hall of Mirrors, wall one: addiction to trauma bonds.

Supporting this wall is another belief. It goes something like this: “If I meet a girl who’s truly self-possessed, poised, assertive, etc., I won’t show up on her radar. If I do, eventually, she’ll see that I have issues (ie., not stable enough, too “beta”,  insecure, filled with shame, having dark, inappropriate thoughts, …”). She'll leave me for someone more alpha. I have to remember that this isn't the same as assertiveness. At this point in my life, I realize that things aren’t black or white. I know that people can be complex – we can have healthy traits coexisting with some not-so-healthy ones. I can rationally tell myself that I’m a good, kind person and that it’s normal to have some flaws. Wall two:  belief that I can’t sustain the love/affection of someone healthy.

Learn to enjoy and appreciate your own company.

Yes, I am finally beginning to take a circumstance that’s brought up so much anxiety – being alone – and I’m beginning to embrace it. I’ve been physically sick and haven’t eaten much of anything, but…a couple of nights ago, I treated myself to a dinner – out, in a trendy part of town that I’ve avoided due to it being a regular hangout for my ex. And you know what – I sat at that table alone, and I was okay…I didn’t die of embarrassment or shame for being out alone among couples and friends, haha.

I am beginning to connect some dots to form the physical dimensions of this destructive pattern – the Relationship Hall of Mirrors. There are boundaries to this issue. This means it can be contained! Whereas, I’ve struggled with viewing boundaries, of any sort, as closing us off from possibilities, I’m finally beginning to realize that they also contain things to provide structure. Boundaries are a good thing.

Rose Tiger, you inspired some constructive thinking here. Thank you so much for sharing some good food for thought!

-deretour

[Rose Tiger]

The feeling that you will never feel that way, or in love again, is your heart saying, no thanks, don't want to do that again.  It's protection right now that wears away in time.  Odds are you will be with someone again.  Just tuck that statistic away for now and tell heart, yeah, love, ha, what a joke.  No point in fighting with heart.   

Focus on friendships for now.  Until heart is back to it's normal and ready for love self.  Trust takes time to rebuild towards others.  Everyone is suspect for a while, while on high alert.  As you grow stronger, more in control, more able to avoid sht, your confidence will build.

Might want to keep Mom on low contact for now.    Kudos to you on dining sans company.  Sometimes it's fun to people watch, imagine their stories, imagine what tables you'd like to be at, and ones you are thanking God you aren't at.  I was telling my counselor, a big while back, I am so low on family, wah.  She said, some people would love to be in your shoes, ones that dread every family get together.  True, I don't have that worry!

[heartandwhole]

DeRetour,

I relate to so much of what you have written.  I have felt growing up, and even now to some extent, that it's my job to make sure that my mother is happy, or at least not sad, upset, angry, or hurting.  There has often been no room for me and my feelings, hers were all that mattered, and if I was hurting from something she did, it would cause her so much discomfort that I'd immediately have to apologize and soothe her - for hurting me.    In the family, I had to be the good one, the strong and quiet one, because otherwise my parents would be stressed and that was not a good thing.

Your bottom line about not being good enough for a healthy person is something that I think so many of us struggle with. I have that idea inside of me, too. It's funny, I think a lot of us are afraid of boring relationships because deep down we are afraid that we are boring.  But then again, if someone can't sustain their love and affection for us, maybe that just has to do with his/her own needs and growth, and has nothing to do with us being defective at all?  We don't have to take on things that don't belong to us, anymore. 

Great inventory, DeRetour, thank you for sharing.  It's an example for all of us.   

[DeRetour]

Heartandwhole,

There has often been no room for me and my feelings, hers were all that mattered, and if I was hurting from something she did, it would cause her so much discomfort that I'd immediately have to apologize and soothe her - for hurting me.  huh 

Yes, I'm so sorry that you had this kind of experience growing up. I can totally relate to this feeling. After my parents separated, my father convinced me that I should live with him. Before he officially had custody, he had 11 year-old me roleplay being questioned in the judge's chamber! (another story). During the first year after that, when I visited, I was not really allowed to show strong emotions if I was upset for myself. "Come in happy spirits... .or don't come at all!" She'd often tell me.

Your bottom line about not being good enough for a healthy person is something that I think so many of us struggle with. I have that idea inside of me, too. It's funny, I think a lot of us are afraid of boring relationships because deep down we are afraid that we are boring.

It's just that historically, I've found myself attracted to girls who seem to have some combination of being artistic, sulky, melancholy and elusive. So when I met my ex - and she began to open up to me and started in with the idealization, I was completely mesmerized. Perhaps I should remember though, that there are so many faces of "healthy". Beyond this, what I'm realizing is that I've had chronic feelings of inadequacy. I don't fully believe that I can sustain attraction.

Sigh... Yes. It's really time to focus on myself. It's so scary being alone. I hate it. I just don't know what I'll do with myself like this. I hate that I feel so desperate. But... another thread, haha.

Heartandwhole, thank you so much for replying to this thread and reading it.

deretour

[DeRetour]

Might want to keep Mom on low contact for now.

Rosetiger,

Thanks for being the voice of encouragement regarding contact with my mom. My god, its just such an uneasy feeling. I really don't want any conflict with my mom. She's such a strong force to reckon with. She always had this charm about her. So many people just seem to fall under her spell. Although, historically, I've also heard of others despising her, talking behind her back. And she's always seemed to get her way with things. Well, aside from some abusive relationships. That's another subject.

But speaking of contact, last week my mom texted me and, this will perhaps sound weird, but I was aware of a similar kind of nervousness that I often feel when my ex texts me (during and post-relationship). As an adult, I have to consciously work to maintain my dignity and groundedness when relating with my mom. It's this balance between respect and self-preservation. So when she asked me to do something that I felt was controlling, I did what I often do these days: "Thanks Mom, and I love you." Her response: :/

Eeegh. I felt this cold sinking/flushing sensation throughout my body. This is exactly how my ex replied (when we were together) anytime she was upset or thinking of not seeing me.

That said, I am considering some sort of controlled contact. I don't know. It's tough because it's my mom. But thanks for mentioning this. I have a lot of guilt and resistance, but this is something for me to discuss in therapy.

I was telling my counselor, a big while back, I am so low on family, wah.  She said, some people would love to be in your shoes, ones that dread every family get together.  True, I don't have that worry!

So sorry you deal with this feeling. That said, your counselor brings up a good point - those dreadful get-togethers, haha! Hang in there as well. Stay strong!

Thanks again, Rosetiger