Not doing so well after all, haha

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys,

So, haha... just a warning: I'm feeling very very down, like "barely able to type" down. Please excuse me for a less-than-poised moment. First, I'm realizing that I have no real support. I can't turn to family. Father... dead. Mother... .uNPD, everything's all about her. Brother and sister, I love them but they really don't understand.  Closest friends have moved away and we've lost contact over the course of this last relationship. I'm just getting back from sitting, alone at freaking Starbucks, watching happy couples, holding hands, out at night... .and I'm effing alone.

I suppose my uBPD-exGF is a big part of it. Week 6: I've kept NC, admit to looking at her texts. In the past 36 hours, she's sent 10 texts, and called twice. She's desperately pleading for me to answer, telling me that if she could take everything back, she would, adding that she'll regret her mistakes for the rest of her life. Meanwhile, she added that she's been very depressed, and has just started taking a mood stabilizer.

She left me a voice message - I'm stuck. I don't know if I want to listen... .and hear her voice for the first time in 6 weeks (probably sounding tortured) or delete it and wonder forever what she's said (and feel cold). I know... .I just need to decide for myself, but I don't want to face it.

So, what am I feeling? Well, a deep sadness for her - a lot of guilt from that, since I've refused to answer any of her desperate pleas. But I suppose what I'm really feeling a lot of is, well... .loneliness, hopelessness. I want someone to love... .or at least I want to know that I have it again in my future. I feel like such a failure. I want so badly to be loved. I feel so sad for my ex. Haha... .pathetic. I don't want to be alone. I'm really feeling hopeless.

Sorry. Guess I needed to post here. I can't hold this stuff in and I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this. I just can't be the strong one right now. Sorry.

[DeRetour]

Hey guys,

So, haha... just a warning: I'm feeling very very down, like "barely able to type" down. Please excuse me for a less-than-poised moment. First, I'm realizing that I have no real support. I can't turn to family. Father... dead. Mother... .uNPD, everything's all about her. Brother and sister, I love them but they really don't understand.  Closest friends have moved away and we've lost contact over the course of this last relationship. I'm just getting back from sitting, alone at freaking Starbucks, watching happy couples, holding hands, out at night... .and I'm effing alone.

I suppose my uBPD-exGF is a big part of it. Week 6: I've kept NC, admit to looking at her texts. In the past 36 hours, she's sent 10 texts, and called twice. She's desperately pleading for me to answer, telling me that if she could take everything back, she would, adding that she'll regret her mistakes for the rest of her life. Meanwhile, she added that she's been very depressed, and has just started taking a mood stabilizer.

She left me a voice message - I'm stuck. I don't know if I want to listen... .and hear her voice for the first time in 6 weeks (probably sounding tortured) or delete it and wonder forever what she's said (and feel cold). I know... .I just need to decide for myself, but I don't want to face it.

So, what am I feeling? Well, a deep sadness for her - a lot of guilt from that, since I've refused to answer any of her desperate pleas. But I suppose what I'm really feeling a lot of is, well... .loneliness, hopelessness. I want someone to love... .or at least I want to know that I have it again in my future. I feel like such a failure. I want so badly to be loved. I feel so sad for my ex. Haha... .pathetic. I don't want to be alone. I'm really feeling hopeless.

Sorry. Guess I needed to post here. I can't hold this stuff in and I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this. I just can't be the strong one right now. Sorry.

[simplyasiam]

i feel the same way alot. i gave into her evry call and txt in hopes she would return only to have blow up in my face.

i know your hurting, before you give if you give make sure you have a plan about what you need from her and what you have to have from the r/s.

[DeRetour]

Simplyasiam, thanks for taking a moment to reply to my ridiculously pathetic post. I'm so sorry youre feeling down like this.

I suppose I need to do something to get myself out of this really bad place. The last time I gave in to my ex's pleas, we ended up together for 4 months. It ended... badly. No... .I will not give in this time. This wasn't my plan. No, when it comes to my ex... I've been struggling with a lot of concern for her well-being, and I've been feeling a lot of guilt. Then I remember all the sh!t I took from her, just to keep her and I get angry. Hot mess.

Anyway... .that's for me to deal with. I realize I'm being pathetic right now.

Simplyasiam, thank you much for reaching out, it means a lot.

deretour

[DeRetour]

Okay, I'm going to do something to get myself out of this awful place. I'm heading out to the beach for a good night-time walk alone... maybe at least get my feet wet. Think good thoughts... .

[heartandwhole]

DeRetour,

I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely and without hope.  I know the feeling well. We don't expect you to be the strong one.  You want what we all want, to love and be loved.  That's one thing that absolutely makes us all equal.  

I think it's a real challenge to get out of the FOG when you are reading texts and listening to messages.  Have you asked her not to contact you?  

We're here for you DeRetour.  Keep reaching out.  

[DeRetour]

Heartandwhole,

Thank you for reaching out and replying. Just as I was ready to go, I just couldn't bring myself outside - alone, past a crowd of people. Oh well.

So, here's how the whole NC thing unfolded. Six weeks ago, my uBPDex came to get her stuff. First we went through our dramatic yelling, etc. Then things calmed down. A few things happened. Then, I told her that there would be no contact after then. For two weeks, she didn't text. Then, I received a text from her that she's depressed, hurting, etc. I didn't respond. It continued. She upped the ante by adding that I'm "breaking her heart" and that she has "nothing to look forward to anymore" etc. I digress.

So, I brought up the NC in the beginning - 6 weeks ago. Since then I have said nothing. She slipped and began with her pleading after a couple of weeks. Yesterday, she apparently came up to my apartment building and waited for me. Now, I have an unlistened to voicemail and, apparently, a package coming in the mail. Honestly, I really don't want to reply at all. Perhaps I should follow through with what I was thinking - get that call blocking app and block her.

Heartandwhole, I know that you're familiar with this kind of thing. I'll say it many times... .it's really good to know I'm not alone. It's helping to write. Thank you again for your kind words and patience.

deretour

Oh, I should add... .in my last post I said something about feeling the need to be "the strong one". Sorry I shared that without context - this is the chronic feeling I've been dealing with, when it's come to my FOO. It's also a role I felt I had to have with my ex - as her emotional caretaker (and eventually scapegoat), I was held responsible for her low self-esteem.  I'm the oldest of 3 siblings, a male, and I'm finally addressing something with that - my mother's narcissistic traits. That's all for personal inventory. But, there you go. Thanks again.

[Learning_curve74]

So, what am I feeling? Well, a deep sadness for her - a lot of guilt from that, since I've refused to answer any of her desperate pleas. But I suppose what I'm really feeling a lot of is, well... .loneliness, hopelessness. I want someone to love... .or at least I want to know that I have it again in my future. I feel like such a failure. I want so badly to be loved. I feel so sad for my ex. Haha... .pathetic. I don't want to be alone. I'm really feeling hopeless.

Sorry. Guess I needed to post here. I can't hold this stuff in and I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this. I just can't be the strong one right now. Sorry.

DeRetour, a big hug for you because you deserve one. 

It's okay to feel alone, to feel sad, to so badly want to be loved. These are all natural feelings for you, for me, for any human being to have! At heart we want to love and to be loved. We have to accept these feelings because they tell us we are human and tell us that we still want love in our lives.

Everybody hits extreme low points in their life where they will feel sad, alone, and unloved. Being "strong" doesn't erase any of these feelings, in fact if we deny these feelings, I believe they will eventually return even stronger and more damaging in the future. Maybe this is why childhood traumas shape our adult experience so heavily? It would seem like there is a huge distance between when we were children and being adults, but these things can follow and shape us for an entire lifetime if we never take the time to address them.

Anyhow, maybe being "strong" is just getting to the next day regardless of how awful we feel? I don't think "strong" is being unfeeling or denying our feelings. But that's just me. How do YOU define "being strong", DeRetour? I am an intensely curious person and am sincerely interested in hearing what you have to say about this!

Everybody is different, but in my opinion, a strict policy of NC where you block her calls, texts, and emails can give you greater space to heal. She is already occupying a huge amount of your headspace, and each time a text from her pops up on your phone, a voicemail notice shows up, or an email arrives in your inbox, she is reinforcing her territory in your mind. Like you, I can hear a sad song, hear a happy song, see her favorite colors, see a happy couple, or just be sitting here and have an intense wave of sadness hit me! It would be much worse if I was being barraged by texts and calls from my BPDex like you are, DeRetour.

Here's another thing I just thought of... .When we feel these intense feelings of loneliness, we may often long for our BPDex even though we know the relationships we had with them were unhealthy. And in fact, isn't turning towards our BPDexes a dysfunctional way to soothe ourselves and our feelings of loneliness? It's not easy, but I believe we can change our coping strategies to avoid what can be potentially destructive or damaging ones like ruminating and recycling.

Hang in there DeRetour. 

[DeRetour]

How do YOU define "being strong", DeRetour? I am an intensely curious person and am sincerely interested in hearing what you have to say about this!

Learningcurve,

Thanks for really reading through all that. You know, I grew up with mixed messages regarding "strong". I think one common theme in my FOO, though, is to "not feel". My mother (haha, she's come up a lot recently in my posts!) always got to be emotional and expressive - for one, she's a woman and an artist.  Plus, well, she's my mother. I feel sh!tty resenting my own mother like this. I know that in childhood, I was strongly discouraged from displaying excessive emotion. There was a lot of shame attached to it. Yet, I had a hard time controlling it. Nonetheless, over the years, I did what I could to bottle it up.

Strong... .on a cerebral level, I understand that it takes courage and strength to truly feel and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Now... .internally, I still feel a lot of shame for having such strong emotions. I suppose my immediate thoughts associated with being "strong" include: in control of emotions, rational, cool-headed, prepared, protective of others, not focusing on myself, not easily manipulated, understated, self-possessed, poised, outspoken, organized, and the perfect gentleman... .yes, all of those wrapped in one - that's what comes to mind when I think of the "strong" I suppose. Good question.

Everybody is different, but in my opinion, a strict policy of NC where you block her calls, texts, and emails can give you greater space to heal. She is already occupying a huge amount of your headspace, and each time a text from her pops up on your phone, a voicemail notice shows up, or an email arrives in your inbox, she is reinforcing her territory in your mind. Like you, I can hear a sad song, hear a happy song, see her favorite colors, see a happy couple, or just be sitting here and have an intense wave of sadness hit me!

Yes, as scary as it is, I may need to move to this next step in NC - blocking calls. I can't control what my ex will do. When she told me about her meds, I found myself worried that she's taking something that will make her a zombie. Honestly, it stings me inside when I think of how much pain and disorder she lives with. And to not answer to her pleas... well. So, yes, maybe this is the next step I should be taking. Thanks for stepping forward and sharing your opinion on that matter. She does take up a lot of headspace with this current form of NC.

Learningcurve, I really appreciate that you replied and offered some helpful thoughts. We're all works in progress here. The work continues. Thank you so much.

-deretour

[clairedair]

Simplyasiam, thanks for taking a moment to reply to my ridiculously pathetic post.

... .

I realize I'm being pathetic right now.

deretour, why do you feel that you are 'being pathetic'?  I think a lot of us here feel this way - it's interesting that we rush to tell others 'there's no need to feel that you're pathetic given what you've had to deal with' but we're not so good at telling ourselves this!

Is feeling that you're being pathetic related to having had to be 'strong' growing up - you don't feel that it's OK to be struggling as you are now?  If you want to start a Taking Inventory post about growing up with "being strong" messages, I'll bet there's plenty of us who could write something about this.

take care,

Claire

[DeRetour]

Hi guys,

First off, my apologies... .I probably seemed a bit melodramatic in that last post yesterday. I commented on how I felt pathetic. I regret that I said that. I want to make it clear that I do not think it's weak to be in the healing process. I had been crying on and off for much of the day, and pretty much uncontrollably last night. It was Saturday night, I had been reading my uBPD-ex's texts and it was highly emotional for me. I realize I was being really hard on myself. I was feeling divided between feeling guilt, concern and sorrow for my ex, and shame and anger towards myself. Beyond that I was feeling feeling lonely and scared.

I'm working on not excessively apologizing. But, we're all works in progress here. I am so thankful that we have a place to work on these things, to process and to help each other out. Thank you all so much!

deretour

[DeRetour]

Is feeling that you're being pathetic related to having had to be 'strong' growing up - you don't feel that it's OK to be struggling as you are now?  If you want to start a Taking Inventory post about growing up with "being strong" messages, I'll bet there's plenty of us who could write something about this.

Claire,

Thank you for reading/responding. I'll admit, I've struggled even to get myself to post up here. I'm sure I'm not alone with this particular problem, but I grew up having a really hard time asking for help. There was the pressure of being the oldest son in my FOO. Plus, as I've mentioned in the Personal Inventory threads, both parents have shown NPD traits. Depending on each one's mood, my problems were usually criticized or ridiculed. I share this, because I think you made a good point by asking me about why I was feeling pathetic.

I think it takes a lot of strength for each of us to, first off, acknowledge that there's an issue, and then to have the courage to share. We are all working on healing from some difficult relationships. I'll continue to do my best to share my situation, as well as offer my listening ear, sympathy and empathy.

Thanks again, Claire.

[clairedair]

Hi deretour

what kind of day are you having today?  Being 'bombarded' by your ex can't be helping your healing - difficult enough receiving them but even if you delete straight away, the very fact that you know she's trying to make contact can set you back.

I think part of what I like about coming here is that it's anonymous and I don't have to worry about people knowing that I'm a lot more messed up than I appear to friends/colleagues.   I don't share the way I do here in my 'real life' (sometimes with T). 

I am an eldest child too and definitely a people pleaser/avoider of conflict.  My parents were always helping other folks out and because these folks' lives were a lot worse than mine, I probably felt guilty about wanting more attention.  I was very well loved and always knew that but I also know that I wanted more attention.  I then married someone who worked in caring professions and again I found myself in a position where I felt 'second' to others who deserved exH's attention more.  Plus, I had the shame of not being  a 'helper' like my parents/husband so I felt 'not good enough' and selfish. 

I think it takes a lot of strength for each of us to, first off, acknowledge that there's an issue, and then to have the courage to share. We are all working on healing from some difficult relationships. I'll continue to do my best to share my situation, as well as offer my listening ear, sympathy and empathy.