20 year old daughter just diagnosed

[Beth-GN]

Hi- My 20 year old daughter was just diagnosed with BPD.  It's been horrid the past 2-3 years as she got worse and worse.  She still lives with us (her dad, 15yo sister, 12yo sister and 8yo brother.). Does not work or go to school.  Trying to get her to go to the DBT program in Seattle.  So far she says she would rather live on the streets.  She has destroyed our family.  :)estroyed my marriage.  She has been in therapy, sees a psychiatrist, takes many meds... .she is just so mean and physically violent.  My youngest sees a child psychologist to help deal with the traumatic things he has seen and heard the past couple years.   I can't leave my kids alone with her.  It's awful.  My family all has their great advice but of course they have no idea what it's really like.  So anyway... .joined to learn more, get information and support.

Meds... .she has been and is on many meds.  Many.  First prescribed by family care ARNP, now we have found her a psychiatrist (not an easy task when you have good health insurance!) so the psych prescribes now.  The newest med being tried is depakote for her rages and anger.

She has chronic back pain from a car accident 3 years ago.  Been to every dr and specialist around.  Tried all treatment options.  Oxycodone is all that will relieve the pain.  I have all her meds locked up due to her past attempt to take her life and continuing threats to do so again.  She is being weaned down from the oxy.  Can't wait till she is off totally.

She has ADD and learning disabilities

She has an auto immune disorder that nobody can diagnose.  Started at age 14.  Thought it was behcets but now they don't think so.

I am about ready to take my 3 younger kids and get the hell outta dodge!

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

When she gets violent... .call the police. They may put her in psych ward and maybe she could get help.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, and 

I'm so sorry for the trauma and stress that you and your whole family is going through... .We are all parents on this Board, and we can certainly understand! The troubles that our children (even when they are adults!) go through when they have BPD are something that cause angst and pain to everyone in the family... .I'm glad you found us!

Have you had the chance to do any reading on this site yet? At the top of this Board's page are some great links to check out: Suggested Reading for members who are supporting a son or daughter with BPD and What can a parent do?. The information at those links are invaluable in learning how to deal with exactly the same things you are dealing with. Have you read here, yet, about validation techniques? Here are some links that can help you right now with that: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth.

The links I gave you above might not be the magic formulas to solve every problem, but I've found in my own relationship with my adult (36) Diagnosed BPD Son, that once I read all those links, learned all I could about how his brain works and how to communicate with him without pushing every one of his buttons, things really did get a lot better... .Right away, actually!

I am truly sorry for all of your daughter's troubles... .My own son was diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Anxiety, Hyperactive Thyroid, has a rod and pin in his leg that give him chronic pain, and has had Suicidal Ideations and Substance Abuse problems. He was only diagnosed with the BPD this past April, and since then has gotten treatment for it. And, with my newfound knowledge and usage of the communication tools learned on this site, things have been getting better every day. Please don't give up; we are here for you   

[vivekananda]

It is chaos isn't? You have been so deeply hurt by someone you love so much. I expect you have felt the fear, probably a sense of obligation and guilt that we all have (that spells out FOG which obscures our vision). While all of our situations are different, the effects upon us are more or less the same. You are among friends here, people who know what it feels like, welcome   you are in a safe place here.

My dd (dear daughter) is 32. She left home at 18 and hasn't been back. She seems to be doing ok given she is probably not working and is struggling with her own mental anguish. My dd maintains no contact or limited contact with my dh and me.

When I first joined this site, I was a bit of a mess. I would like to reassure you that here you can find support and guidance so that you can begin to see a way forward and please let me reassure you, it is possible to improve your relationship with your dd.

You mention she is physically violent. Do you have a safety plan in place to protect yourself and the family? Lovesjazz says call the police if she gets violent, that can be a very good idea. Do you have ideas how to protect the little ones till the police come?

Are you seeing a therapist yourself, or a support group? My first concern is that you take care of yourself. Your children, all of them, need a mum who has her feet on the ground and is able to cope. How are you taking care of yourself?

Cheers,

Vivek      

[Desperate to Know]

Hi,

I just read your post and your description of your situation is something I can really really relate to.

My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and has many many anger issues.  I also believe she has co-existing conditions, with all reading I have done Borderline Personality Disorder, fear of abandonment, clinging, attention seeking, angry, revengeful, etc.  In addition, she has very very bad impulse control and has addictive tendencies with alchohol and drugs, trying almost any drug out there.  The one she is struggling with the most is PCP and I will tell you that even though she can be off in treatment for 14 months she comes back and does it again.  So it is really confusing, not knowing how to deal with her.  She is very manipulative and after all the chaos of the new crisis is very convincing to me about her pain.

I never know what's going to happen the next time I come home from work or when the phone rings at night.  Seizures, being taken to the hospital etc.  She is finally seeing a good counselor but this past week I am exhausted from all the manic activity and street activity and drugs.

She is 26 and says she can do what she wants but she lives at home and is dependent.  Wants to rule the house as her right, sense of entitlement.  My husband and I are in our sixties.  We just take it a day at a time and are slowly, and I mean slowly, this has been going on for the past 9 years, beginning to divorce ourselves from her actions, while trying to keep our own peace.  This is by no means an easy task; however, the alternative is dumping her out on the street, where she will not last more than a week, or just waiting for something critical or even fatal to happen.  It is a situation which no one and I mean no one can understand unless they go through it for themselves.  The answer always is "tell her to leave, throw her out, call the police, all of which we have threatened and sometimes did but she will not listen to the point that when we lock the doors she will with her temper and depending on what she's on will break down the doors or become very revengeful when she doesn't get her way.  Always fighting with her friends, etc. 

She does have a good side to her and always has had a kind heart and looks to help people, but this is disappearing more and more with the constant use of drugs.

There comes a point when you can do no more. and you have to learn how to manage your emotions which takes a lot of practice.

So please share anytime I can truly emphathize with you.

Desperate to Know

[vivekananda]

Hi desperate   I would like to welcome you also to our boards here. There is always that dilemma isn't there of trying to support a person who is dependent upon you but who believes they are independent adults living life as it should be lived. If your daughter is anything like mine (now 32), she also blames you for the problems in her life. What a conundrum we have to cope with.

Now, rather than hijack our Beth's thread with a response to your entry, would you like to start your own thread here and introduce yourself to the other parents here. You could copy and paste bits of this post here if you'd like... .This is a wonderful site where we can gain support and guidance from each other... .as you can see with the varied discussions taking place.

I will keep an eye out for you on our board.

cheers,

Vivek    

[Winifred]

Such a sad disorder that will destroy the lives of caretakers if we let it. Our daughter was diagnosed in her early 20's, but was showing all the symptoms from age 13. We just didn't know what was going on -- neither did her therapists. Here is my advice, based on my experience with my daughter, now 32 with a 5 month old baby. 1. Allow no violence in your home. Call the police and press charges. Don't bail her out. Have a safety plan. If she threatens violence and won't leave your house, you leave and return with the police. Stay strong and consistent about this. My doctor, who has worked with BPD's, says that they are adept at finding resources. That seems to be true. We have sent her out into the cold winter rain and she survived. We have pressed charges against her for domestic violence and now she's in court-mandated therapy and psychiatric care. We have opened four CPS cases, and she has complied with all requirements, including a protection order against her abusive boyfriend. 2. Do not allow verbal abuse in your home. When her moods escalate, require her to leave your home for a mandatory time out for de-escalation. Keep your home a safe place, physically and emotionally, for the rest of your family. Some years ago, we set these requirements: no attitude and please and thank you. While it's taken years, the attitudes are gone in our presence. Please and thank you are heard more often, and recently effusively in return for the loan of one of our cars. It was a joy to  hear, "I really, really appreciated this! I am so appreciative!" That would not have been thinkable even a year ago. Hold on tight to the rest of your children and protect them from the worst of it. They are innocents. Support her in the positive steps she takes, don't make a big deal of tertiary things, such as hygiene and dress. I'm told that BPD tends to burn itself out in the 30's and 40's. That's what we're hoping for. Try to hold on until then. My prayers are with you. Winnie