Trying to break ties

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I asked my ex-BPD to move out of my house last night.  This of course resulted in several hours of fighting.  I spoke to the police before having this confrontation and was disheartened that I can't just have her escorted out of my home.  Since I invited her into the residence, she has a right to be there.  If I change the locks, she can legally break in.  The only thing I can do is evict her, which could take up to 90 days and has to go through the court.  She will leave, but she will only do so with our youngest child.  I won't allow this because I'm pretty sure she will take him and run.  She has no legal claim to him, but views him as hers. 

I want to be out of this relationship.  I'm tired of the verbal and emotional abuse.  My kids are suffering, and it looks we are stuck with another two months of this.  I've been looking in to childcare resources for my youngest, but now I don't know what to do as far as this living situation.  We are a much happier family when she isn't there.  My friend suggested I move and let the bank have the house.  She couldn't fight a foreclosure.  I don't want to do this, but I really am afraid of what she will do if I hand her an eviction, including taking my child.

Advice?

[tayana]

I asked my ex-BPD to move out of my house last night.  This of course resulted in several hours of fighting.  I spoke to the police before having this confrontation and was disheartened that I can't just have her escorted out of my home.  Since I invited her into the residence, she has a right to be there.  If I change the locks, she can legally break in.  The only thing I can do is evict her, which could take up to 90 days and has to go through the court.  She will leave, but she will only do so with our youngest child.  I won't allow this because I'm pretty sure she will take him and run.  She has no legal claim to him, but views him as hers. 

I want to be out of this relationship.  I'm tired of the verbal and emotional abuse.  My kids are suffering, and it looks we are stuck with another two months of this.  I've been looking in to childcare resources for my youngest, but now I don't know what to do as far as this living situation.  We are a much happier family when she isn't there.  My friend suggested I move and let the bank have the house.  She couldn't fight a foreclosure.  I don't want to do this, but I really am afraid of what she will do if I hand her an eviction, including taking my child.

Advice?

[frustrated b/f]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know how frustrating it can be when there is no clear path forward. Sounds like you have a very complicated scenario with several variables. You first and foremost thoughts should be whatever is best for the child(ren) involved.

G/L 

[fromheeltoheal]

I was in a similar situation.  Things got very, very ugly as we got close to the end of the relationship, to the point of her calling the cops and telling them she was afraid for her safety; I never touched her mind you, she did most of the yelling, and it was in MY house, and she wouldn't leave.  Talk about powerless, but she was disappointed that the cops realized she was full of it.

So I ended up renting an apartment and filing an eviction notice, it took months, but she was finally kicked out, by law enforcement, which I have to admit felt good.  She backed me into a corner, I was afraid the whole time that she'd burn the house down, but no, just a few holes in the walls and graffiti.

I got my house back, she's god knows where, and the time since has been about me, healing, and asking how the hell did I let myself go so far down the rabbit hole.  Sure, she's Jodi Arias-level disordered, but I was there too, very sobering.

There were no kids involved and I only needed a lawyer for the eviction notice.  Your situation is more complicated, but renting an apartment may not be a bad idea for your own sanity.  Good luck to you.

[babyducks]

tayana,

a couple of thoughts, most of which have already probably gone through your mind.

The health, safety and well being of the children come first, everything else is small potatoes.  Its good that you are looking into childcare for the youngest. 

Its important you make every effort to stay strong, calm and consistent.  I don't know if you have ever heard of an extinction burst, there has to be a workshop on it somewhere on this site.  Basically it means as you try to enforce boundaries and changes, our disordered partner's behavior dramatically worsens.

I would strongly suggest you don't participate in hours long sessions of fighting.  When the arguments reach the circular stage,  and the verbal abuse starts draw a boundary.  Leave the room.  If necessary leave the house.  Take the kids with you.   Say something calming as you are leaving,   makes for less holes in the walls.   What was suggested to me was to use the phrase "I can't continue to discuss this right now, I am going to ______ and I will be back in 2 hours, in the morning,  late tomorrow."

If you can afford it get some legal advice.  Take a look through the L3 board, family law, divorce and custody.

Take the time to plan this out.  And plan for the worst and hope you never need that plan.   If she has no legal right to your youngest child make it clear you will file kidnapping charges if she absconds.  And then follow through on that boundary.

Her moving will create a lot of push/pull behaviors and you will need to be very strong to stand up under them.

babyducks

[tayana]

So we hashed things out and now I'm back to being a "good" friend.  She's acting as though nothing ever happened, almost gloating since I couldn't force her to leave.  I'm trying to keep her happy while I do the legal and planning stuff in the background.  I hate feeling so dishonest, but I can't live like this anymore.   

I have made it very clear to her that she has no legal claim to the youngest.  She keeps coming back to a vague promise I made to her that I don't remember making.  I am consulting an attorney.