I really thought this would never happen

[Emelie Emelie]

First of all, and I'm sharing this part because it might resonate with someone else:  Had a big (albeit painful) breakthrough with my T.  The short version:  My Dad was only 16 when I was born.  He wasn't perfect but taking that into account I think he did a pretty good job.  However he had a violent temper and was highly critical of me as a child.  My T explained a child exposed to that violent temper needs to find a way to feel safe.  So you internalize it.  If I'm "good" it won't happen.  Bingo.  So all these years later I get out of a bad marriage and fall in love with a man who tells me it's his job to love, and take care of and protect me.  Then, due to his disorder, he starts to criticize and rage at me.  And I don't leave... .I just try to love him and support him and be a "better" girlfriend.  And he leaves me.  And I am devastated beyond reason.  It helped.  It doesn't take the pain away but it helps me understand what I was doing there and why the break up hurt so freaking much.  I left there with some peace about this for the first time. 

And then, last night, he texts me.  He knows "I don't care anymore and it doesn't matter to me" but he misses me.  Etc.  Opens the door.  I was blindsided.  I really did not believe he was the recycling type.  We've discussed his past relationships plenty.  I've said often enough in these discussions that the immature part of me wanted this.  Wanted him to want me.  So I could say no.  So I could feel loved and validated.  But it didn't feel good at all.  Brought it all rushing back and the peace I was feeling gone with it.  And I knew he was hurting.  At that moment in time.  Because his feelings change like the wind and I know that.  But I hurt for him and I hurt for me. I sat on it for a few hours.  Then I responded that it did matter and I missed him too.  But I didn't go through the door.  I know I can't.  But God did I want to.  Didn't sleep much last night .  Making up stories in my head that I could see him, didn't mean we had to get back together, just smooth it all over.  Justification city.  It was all I could do not to get in my car and go to him. 

So today?  I'm proud of myself that I didn't.   I'm trying to remind myself that it didn't really mean anything.  It was just a momentary thing with him.  And when I don't respond to him in the way he wants I'm bad again.  That's how he deals.  So I'm sure he's not feeling the same way today.  But I'm crying again.  Incessantly.  Trying like hell to find that peace again.

[saw_tooth]

Hello Emelie,

Can relate with every bit of your pain.

It takes a will of steel to not go back once a BPD opens a door for you,yet again.You have fantastic self-restraint which is very important in the process of detachment from a relationship like this one.

As for the pain and the hurt, they will reduce and cease to exist because your determination to move forward and defeat them is stronger than they are.

Take one day at a time,stay busy with things you love doing and focus on your own emotional needs.

Good luck.

[Clearmind]

Emelie, my father wasn't 16 when I was born however he was super critical of me, an alcoholic and he raged - its likely he is BPD.

I dated men like my father because it was what I knew - I tried to be so helpful so I wouldn't get raged upon - very reminiscent of my childhood.

You have made a very courageous link to your childhood as to why you choose Borderlines.

Our relationships were momentary for them and us. We chose them due to our past and they chose us for the same reason. Our past, upbringing really does dictate our choices.

Being pregnant now I am so conscious of not doing what my parents did.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  Clearmind congratulations on your pregnancy!  I have a daughter and I try really hard not to "shame" her when I'm upset with her behavior.  It's amazing how easy it is to go there! 

[Ironmanrises]

First of all, and I'm sharing this part because it might resonate with someone else:  Had a big (albeit painful) breakthrough with my T.  The short version:  My Dad was only 16 when I was born.  He wasn't perfect but taking that into account I think he did a pretty good job.  However he had a violent temper and was highly critical of me as a child.  My T explained a child exposed to that violent temper needs to find a way to feel safe.  So you internalize it.  If I'm "good" it won't happen.  Bingo.  So all these years later I get out of a bad marriage and fall in love with a man who tells me it's his job to love, and take care of and protect me.  Then, due to his disorder, he starts to criticize and rage at me.  And I don't leave... .I just try to love him and support him and be a "better" girlfriend.  And he leaves me.  And I am devastated beyond reason.  It helped.  It doesn't take the pain away but it helps me understand what I was doing there and why the break up hurt so freaking much.  I left there with some peace about this for the first time. 

And then, last night, he texts me.  He knows "I don't care anymore and it doesn't matter to me" but he misses me.  Etc.  Opens the door.  I was blindsided.  I really did not believe he was the recycling type.  We've discussed his past relationships plenty.  I've said often enough in these discussions that the immature part of me wanted this.  Wanted him to want me.  So I could say no.  So I could feel loved and validated.  But it didn't feel good at all.  Brought it all rushing back and the peace I was feeling gone with it.  And I knew he was hurting.  At that moment in time.  Because his feelings change like the wind and I know that.  But I hurt for him and I hurt for me. I sat on it for a few hours.  Then I responded that it did matter and I missed him too.  But I didn't go through the door.  I know I can't.  But God did I want to.  Didn't sleep much last night .  Making up stories in my head that I could see him, didn't mean we had to get back together, just smooth it all over.  Justification city.  It was all I could do not to get in my car and go to him. 

So today?  I'm proud of myself that I didn't.   I'm trying to remind myself that it didn't really mean anything.  It was just a momentary thing with him.  And when I don't respond to him in the way he wants I'm bad again.  That's how he deals.  So I'm sure he's not feeling the same way today.  But I'm crying again.  Incessantly.  Trying like hell to find that peace again.

In bold.

I literally cried reading that.

Hang in there Emelie.

We are here for you.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Emilie.

We are all in the same boat. You are very courageous. You show great will power Don't know if I could resist myself as there are times I just want to see my ex Stay strong. You are a good role model for all of us.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks guys.  So much.  Although Confused Hubby... .I'm no role model!  Been the biggest mess on the planet over this.  But I so appreciate the support.  Helps me stay strong!

[Hazelrah]

EE,

You've made a really important breakthrough in regards to uncovering childhood trauma and linking it to your BPD relationship.  It really amazes me how similar many of these relationships unfold, and how many of us nons carry many of the same scars from childhood.  I've made a similar link to my formative years (alchoholic step-dad that married my mom when he was 18; excessive raging, leading to my blaming myself for everything under the sun), and I've come to the realization that the unconditional love I seemed to receive intermittently throughout my relationship with my pwBPD filled a hole I'd been missing and chasing since childhood.  Many others here seem to be in the very same boat. 

You've come a long a way in the last few months--keep taking care of yourself.

[turtle]

So today?  I'm proud of myself that I didn't.   I'm trying to remind myself that it didn't really mean anything.  It was just a momentary thing with him.  And when I don't respond to him in the way he wants I'm bad again.  That's how he deals.  So I'm sure he's not feeling the same way today.  But I'm crying again.  Incessantly.  Trying like hell to find that peace again.

Good for you Emelie!  Realizing that it didn't mean anything is HUGE!  They have no clue or concern that these moments of reconnection (for us not them,) is like being snipered by a terrorist.

Took me a long time to stop entering enemy territory.

Just know that peace WILL return and one day... .he won't be able to rob you of that peace. 

turtle

[patientandclear]

This phenomenon is so hard.  It seems to me that a couple of months after imploding a r/s because the fears within the r/s were overwhelming, pwBPD feel enough relief from those fears to make room for the feelings of loss, and missing the person they pushed away.  The problem is that that, in itself, is not a solution to the problems that drove the push.

At about the same point, my ex expressed how sad he was at what had happened and that he always thought we would talk to figure things out (mind you, he never said a word to initiate such a talk -- it was a very passive sadness.  We only even had this conversation because I asked for NC, he reacted with statements about how devastated he was -- you'd have thought I broke up with him -- and I called him).

When we talked though, he had no insight about what had happened.  We determined quickly that the stated issue that caused him to leave me wasn't really an issue, it was something we even agreed about.  So, he said brightly, should we try again?

But when I asked that he do some work to figure out what caused him to leave me the first time, and how it could be avoided again -- and said "the bad feelings will happen again, about something else no doubt, but you will feel bad about something in this r/s again" -- he ended up not being able to proceed.  He got cold feet a couple days later.

So just to underscore your reaction, Emelie, that just because he is sad, doesn't mean he's prepared to or able to engage in a way that would play out differently.  Damn it.

[Emelie Emelie]

Damn it is right.  We wish and wish and wish it could be different.  But he gave me something.  A gift of sorts.  He told me I was important to him with that message.  I knew I was but was feeling as if he's totally moved on.  It was a rough night.  In addition to his message I was out with some people after work and ran into a couple, friends of his, that I really liked.  I'm not sure what he told them but apparently they know he dumped me.  Or they had seen him with someone else.  (They had just come from a wedding and I wondered if he was there with a date.  A stretch but that's where my mind goes.)  They were like OMG we could not believe it... .are you okay?  I told them I was fine.  (Lied )  She was very nice.  She said I thought I'd never see you again.  Asked for my number and said she wanted to get together.  Gave it to her but don't think I can do that.  Too close.  Too hard. 

My T told me I have to stop taking care of his feelings and start taking care of mine.  The way xBPD put it... ."not that it matters or you give a $hit... ."  (Poor him of course.) I wanted to respond "Well you really f'ed up."  Or "I miss you too but I am seeing someone."  But I just couldn't do it.  And why?  Why not let him feel that I've moved on?  Take some of my power back? 

The sad part is I was at the point where I wasn't expecting anything from him.  So of course now I'm waiting to see if he'll reach out again.  Sucks and makes me mad.  I'm letting him jerk me around.  I feel like I took six giant steps backwards.  It's been two and a half months and I'm still crying over him.  Great.

[peas]

Emelie, does the guy you are seeing now know you worry and cry over your ex? Does he have an idea that you are struggling with unresolved feelings for another man?

The reason I ask is I am conflicted about dating right now precisely because I'm still hurt from BPDex. I want to date -- and I went on one online date since the b/u (I've since removed my profile). With the online guy, I came clean right away and said my heart is not in it right now and I'd like to just be friends. I'm not romantically attracted to him, but he's cool and he revealed his own breakup baggage. So now I have a breakup buddy and when we meet we check in on our healing and talk about life in general

Anyway, I have a secret crush on a man I see around my office building and I have wondered what if went out with him? I would feel bad seeking out a r/s with him if I was still upset over my BPDex. That's where I am now. I don't know if I'm still upset over the ex or if I'm in a place where I can open myself again.

[allibaba]

Thanks guys.  So much.  Although Confused Hubby... .I'm no role model!  Been the biggest mess on the planet over this.  But I so appreciate the support.  Helps me stay strong!

It doesn't matter how much of a mess that we have been in the past.  All that matters is who you are today!   

If you are doing the right thing today then you are a role model.

[Emelie Emelie]

Peas:  No the guy I'm seeing now has no idea.  He knows I'm just out of a long term relationship and it was a difficult break up.  I suspect he's also seeing other people.  It's just casual dating at this point.  I don't feel obligated to reveal too much.  I have a good time with him and he's gorgeous   .  A very smart and nice man to boot.  At this point we're just having a nice time and honestly it's a good distraction for me.  After the self esteem shredding I took it's nice to have a guy like this interested in me.  I know I'm not ready to get seriously involved with anyone yet.  But maybe if he remains interested and I start to have feelings for him I will be? 

I think it's good to get out... .meet people, go on a date.  It beats the hell out of sitting home sobbing over the other one.  As long as we're honest and not taking advantage of someone else. 

[Suzn]

I have to say Emellie I don't see 6 steps back, you are still grieving this relationship so of course you are going to be sad. Especially after contact with a guilt trip to boot. You took your power back the minute you decided not to go to him, to fix him, because we know that that's really to fix you isn't it? Good for you! And that little bit of anger shining through is also part of that detaching.

You took steps to take care of you. You reached out to your resources, posting here and going to talk this over with your T. You are on the right track. Look at you! 

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Suzn - I really appreciate the encouragement.  I did a dumb thing tonight.  I was missing him a lot and started to read over all the old texts.  There were a lot of sweet ones, but this one, just a few weeks before he broke up with me, kind of did me in:  "Good morning Baby.  Just want you to know how much I love and appreciate you.  Don't know what I'd do without you."    I realize that he would often be over the top sweet and nice to compensate for when he wasn't.  And I know the morning he wrote that he meant every word of it and was probably treating me like crap again, and meaning every word of that, shortly thereafter.  I also thought about the trap of "clinging to words that were said" in the break up advice on this site.  I even had a brief fantasy about forwarding it to him and saying, "So how are you doing without me?"  I'm just so sad and so f'ing mad at him for destroying everything.  I'm sad and mad that there's just no hope.  He even told me that once after one of his rage episodes.  He said "There's just no hope for me."  He looked so sad and scared.  It just broke my heart.  I assured him that wasn't true.  I said your BPD is part of you, it's not all of you.  I love you and everything's going to be okay.  Except of course it wasn't.  I just want all this freaking pain to stop.  I know reading old texts isn't a good strategy to accomplish that but I just can't bring myself to delete them.  It's about all I've got left of him.  I just miss him so much sometimes and it hurts.

[Suzn]

Emelie I'm sorry this is so painful. I think it's pretty telling that you refer to "clinging to the words said", meaning, that you've grown, you are automatically recalling the traps. This is really a good sign of where you are today. You have internalized the skills to refer back to.

Revisiting what was said is part of your grieving process. I think it's great that you see these statements for what they are. Why do you think you cling to the words that were said? For me it was about feeling special when normally I didn't feel special at all.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Emelie.

Sorry to hear of the hardship you are going through. Hang in there. Your strength is an inspiration to many of us.

I sometimes read old texts to remind me of how things were but afterwards I realize that they were just a cover. A pwBPD is so impulsive and childish they say the first things that come to there mind without any follow through. Mine would always say to me "I don't know what I would do without you" or "I want to spend the rest of my life growing old with you". But no sooner than she would say it she would be off cheating, lying, manipulating etc. She ruined my life and those of my two daughters (age 7 & 8).

As for the new guy you are seeing: Just a word of advice from a males perspective. I would not tell him that you are still have feelings for your ex. Many men would see that as unappealing. They are not as understanding or sensitive as women would be. I think its the macho exterior / insecure interior complex that so many men have. Obviously there is nothing wrong with having feelings for your ex. It shows how devoted and loving a partner you were and how you cannot so easily (or cheaply) discard one partner for the next (like BPD's can). But unfortunately many men don't see it that way.

Again stay strong. Your friends on the boards are rooting for you.

[Emelie Emelie]

Emelie I'm sorry this is so painful. I think it's pretty telling that you refer to "clinging to the words said", meaning, that you've grown, you are automatically recalling the traps. This is really a good sign of where you are today. You have internalized the skills to refer back to.

Revisiting what was said is part of your grieving process. I think it's great that you see these statements for what they are. Why do you think you cling to the words that were said? For me it was about feeling special when normally I didn't feel special at all.

I don't know exactly.  I guess it's just remembering the good parts of the relationship.  The times I felt really loved.  That's it I guess.  Feeling loved and valued and appreciated.  And I know he felt that way some of the time.  Probably most of the time.  Guess that's why the devaluing and his eventual leaving was/is so hard to take.

As for the new guy you are seeing: Just a word of advice from a males perspective. I would not tell him that you are still have feelings for your ex. Many men would see that as unappealing. They are not as understanding or sensitive as women would be. I think its the macho exterior / insecure interior complex that so many men have. Obviously there is nothing wrong with having feelings for your ex. It shows how devoted and loving a partner you were and how you cannot so easily (or cheaply) discard one partner for the next (like BPD's can). But unfortunately many men don't see it that way.

Again stay strong. Your friends on the boards are rooting for you.

Thanks Confused!  And no, I would definitely not tell the new guy I have feelings for my xBPDbf.  I really don't discuss the relationship much at all with him.  As I've mentioned we're just dating very casually right now.  He does knows I'm just out of a long term relationship and it was a difficult break up.  I need to take it slow.  He gets that.  At this point I feel like it would be okay if I went out with someone else.  And he may be dating other people.  I don't know.  So I don't feel like I'm misleading him.  If he was looking for something more at this point that would be a different story.  I certainly don't want to toy with someone else's emotions.  He also travels a lot for work so it's really kind of perfect right now.