stbx wife wants to explore lesbian relationships

[A Dad]

The other day out of the blue uBPD stbx wife said she might want to try being a lesbian! Says there is so much to explore...

What the heck woman, you have two little boys, one of them with special needs, about to lose your marriage, husband and a "could have been so good" life in a loving family, and she wants to explore... sigh!

She has been hanging out with a female colleague of hers a lot. The funny thing is that a few days ago I was thinking that I wouldn't be surprised she starts something with her next. It is almost like I have started to know her better than herself

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[Stamp]

That must really be tough to hear!  How are you faring?  As a lesbian, it's not at all uncommon for me to hear straight friends in rough patches in their relationships, or just out of relationships say that maybe they'll try being gay because it's got to be easier than what they're going through.  It's usually said tongue in cheek, but not always, and sometimes they actually do explore it, only to find out that you can't make yourself gay anymore than you can make yourself straight, and that even if they could, relationships are not easier.  That might be what your wife is going through.  Is there a possibility that she actually is gay and has been in denial or closeted?  Either way, not easy for you.  My uBPD partner went through a period of threatening to 'become' straight and leave me for a man, she had been going through a bad spell of deregulation and, of course, blamed the constant rages on me, so her logic was that a guy would be less emotional and not get upset when she got 'a little bit angry'.  She didn't do it, and we're still together, but I know how you feel!

[A Dad]

Thanks Stamp for chiming in.

Before I learned about BPD this would have hurt me. A few months ago I found out that she was cheating on me with her colleague... and she says things like this as if her hooking with another woman instead of a man will not be cheating. We are still living under the same roof, still married, going for MC, planning what to do for our kids for heavens sake.

But now I don't let her words hurt me. I know they are just words, they are just expressing whatever she is feeling that day. They mean nothing more than that. I just saw this as another sign of how confused and lost she is. Gave me validation that separating and giving my children a safe, stable environment is the right thing to do. Unless she really accepts her problems and puts in the effort needed to change and grow up, in the long run me and my children will be healthier and happier away from her.

Still a battle going on between my head and heart. I still love her so much, but I have learnt to put a lid on it and trained myself not to let it surface. From time to time, I remember how much she must be hurting inside and I will give her a hug or show affection. On rare occasions I get some back too, and then I have to remind myself to not become too hopeful as it won't last