Acceptance hurdle: how do I not care what he thinks of me?

[daylily]

I have been focusing on my role in conflict with my uBPDh, and I am now accepting that he's not going to provide many of the things that I want or need in our relationship.  I'm also working on looking at his criticisms, insults and angry comments as being "his stuff" rather than true assessments of me.  Okay... .so what he's saying is not true.  It's more about him than me.  Even if I accept this, how do I stop caring about what he thinks of me?  Even if what he's saying isn't true, he thinks it's true (sometimes only in the moment, sometimes always).  I find myself JADEing because I care about what he thinks of me and I feel the need to try to change his mind.  Of course, it never works and only ends up escalating things.  But regardless of whether or not I JADE, I am still going to experience that sickening feeling that he thinks of me as a [insert insult of the day here - the worst one to me is that my parenting skills are lacking].  Does anyone have any tips on how not to care about what your pwBPD thinks of you while still caring about them and loving them?  It seems like the only alternative in my mind is to shut off my feelings for him completely, and I don't want to do that any more than I already have.

  Daylily

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[bongo]

In al-Anon they have a slogan that says, "What you think of me is none of my business".  This strikes me over and over... .I get sucked into other peoples "reality" and second guess myself because they seem so confident! 

Do you have a trusted person in your life that can reassure you?

The hard work is in moving from intellectually knowing you fall into this trap and actually moving on----let others think what they will.  Focus on yourself.  What do you think?

Just my 2 cents.

Does JADE mean anything specifically? 

B

[daylily]

Thanks for your response, bongo.  That slogan is good advice.  I actually have people in my life who support me, and I know what he's saying isn't correct, no matter how confident he is in his presentation.  My problem is that I still care about what he thinks (even if I know it's not true) because he's my husband.  I realize logically that it makes no sense to care because it's the product of a diseased mind.  What I'm having trouble with is making my emotions match that. It seems incongruous to love someone yet not to care what they think and feel about me.  Make sense? 

I suppose my question is this: For those of you who have come to a place of acceptance, have stopped making things worse in your relationship, and have "owned" your side of the fence, what are your feelings for your pwBPD?  Did you have to detach emotionally from your partner to achieve your own emotional health?  Specifically, how do you deal emotionally with the fact that your partner feels negatively about you most of the time?

JADE is an acronym for Justify Argue Defend Explain.  It's in the lessons on the right, and it's what we're not supposed to do, as pwBPD don't react well to logic when it's contrary to their feelings. 

  Daylily

[connect]

Hi daylily,

Am waiting with bated breath to see what other replies you have to this. Something I also struggle with. The two things: loving someone whilst not caring what they think of you seem to be so at odds. Sometimes I wonder about the definition of love in a BPD r/s. We don't get some needs met and we detach from what our partners think of us?

I like you understand intellectually this is about radical acceptance but emotionally getting it is harder. I have been really trying and working on this. Sometimes I do get it. I have made great strides since February. It just doesnt come naturally. When I do this I can feel like I am jumping through a BPD hoop rather than protecting myself. Perhaps that is where the shift needs to be for me - to make this about me and not him.

[123Phoebe]

We don't get some needs met and we detach from what our partners think of us?

Yep

No one person can meet every single one of our needs.  As we go through life some our needs change and we can't expect others to keep up with our ever changing needs, either.  When we're happily and honestly (not reluctantly) meeting our own needs (through other sources), we naturally detach from what our partners or anyone else thinks about us in a negative way.  It's easier to recognize what's our stuff from their stuff and to keep the focus on our stuff, not their stuff/ their thoughts in a consuming way... .

We're not looking at them as a means to an end, to complete us = pressure for us, for them, for anybody!

It's not so much a matter of shutting off our feelings towards them, as it is getting in better touch with our own, while behaving according to our values.

I've found that when I'm truly living an honest life and that means being open and vulnerable, not rigid and defensive wrought with worry, my existence expands rather than shrinking into my head = my stuff = a wormhole for BPD behaviors to get the better of me.

[connect]

Nice one Phoebe 

When I am focused on myself I agree that the tendancy to be sucked into the BPD reactionary behaviours is definately dimished for me too.

[daylily]

When we're happily and honestly (not reluctantly) meeting our own needs (through other sources), we naturally detach from what our partners or anyone else thinks about us in a negative way.  It's easier to recognize what's our stuff from their stuff and to keep the focus on our stuff, not their stuff/ their thoughts in a consuming way... .

It's not so much a matter of shutting off our feelings towards them, as it is getting in better touch with our own, while behaving according to our values.

I've found that when I'm truly living an honest life and that means being open and vulnerable, not rigid and defensive wrought with worry, my existence expands rather than shrinking into my head = my stuff = a wormhole for BPD behaviors to get the better of me.

Thanks, Phoebe!  I think what you're saying is that once we are able to focus on ourselves, defeat our own resentment and meet our own needs, the emotional ability to cope with our pwBPD's negative feelings about us will follow naturally.

  Daylily

[briefcase]

Insults are usually boundary issues.  Meaning that conversations end and you take a little time out when he calls you a name or insults you. 

And yes, you will need to detach (in a loving way) from him a bit to gain a better perspective on the "his stuff/your stuff" issue.  It's not detachment like they mean over on the leavng board though.  It's just changing your persepctive a little.  It's like when a 3 year old tells you they hate you because they can't have ice cream for dinner.  It's not really a catastrophe.   

[daylily]

It's just changing your persepctive a little.  It's like when a 3 year old tells you they hate you because they can't have ice cream for dinner.  It's not really a catastrophe.   

Thanks, briefcase.    When my S5 and D2 say things that hurt my feelings, I take a step back and realize that they'll probably feel differently in about 5 minutes, and it's a product of being 5 or 2 years old.  I suppose the same could be said about a pwBPD.  They'll feel differently in a few minutes and it's a product of the illness.  But I know that generally my kids love me and have good feelings about me because the negative comments from them are few and far between, and most of the time they are giving me affection and even compliments.  H, on the other hand, has nothing but negative things to say about me.  He makes it clear on a regular basis that he would not be with me if it weren't for the kids.  That's harder to change my perspective on.  I know I have to do it, it's just hard. 

  Daylily

[Linlu53]

Day lily, I so feel your pain! I want to cry and throw my hands up with you! I'm so glad you posted because I have learned from the replies. But getting it from just knowledge to actually doing it and feeling it is another thing. My uBPDh was so critical for 30 plus years. Back and forth between idealizing and devaluing. I thought I was losing my mind. After I separated 3 years ago now for about 2 months he has been much better. But the crazy makin continues. I was crying on my way to work wondering to myself, do I really even love him anymore. He projects all his negative feelings about himself onto me. I never know how to correctly deal with it. Trying to learn from this site. Anyway, hang in there! Hugs!

[Stamp]

  I'm also working on looking at his criticisms, insults and angry comments as being "his stuff" rather than true assessments of me.  Okay... .so what he's saying is not true.  It's more about him than me.  Even if I accept this, how do I stop caring about what he thinks of me?  Even if what he's saying isn't true, he thinks it's true (sometimes only in the moment, sometimes always). 

This is something I struggle with all the time.  I know it's not true, I even know that, for the most part, when she's regulated again she doesn't believe what she's saying when she's disregulated (I don't even think she remembers most of what she says at those times), but it is still so hard to be objective about it.  I'll call or text a close friend for a reality check, that helps.

[waverider]

First of all take some of the pressure off yourself.

Care what they think / Dont care what they think.

They very black and white extremes. We are not black and white, we are human, by nature we are a shade of grey somewhere.

Replace "dont care" with "not take it so much to heart". That is take some of the weight out of the words, rather than just attempting to eliminate it altogether. You will fail, and you will then feel the weight of failure added to it.

Of course you care, accept that, but be realistic about the real meaning of their words / behavior.

The more you come to accept this the lighter becomes the shade of grey, but it will never be truly white. That is not the way life is.