Mistake

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I just couldn't take the pain anymore and went to my BPDex and asked to get back together.  Told him I'd be all in and everything. He wasn't happy becasue I left him... .which I know is a big deal for BPD's.  He said he loved me, would work on it, tell the new woman he was seeing that we are going to try, and then slept with me.  

He is still spending every night at her house... .so I assume he didn't tell her anything.  He sent me a text saying that we could go see his therapist next Tuesday to work on us.  I then texted, called, and email asking why he is not responding to any of my communication after he said we'd try and slept together.  I also pointed out that if he's with her every night until we go to therapy there isn't much point in going and why didn't he just tell me no. Why didn't he just say that he is with her now and that we are not going to work on anything. I'm sure she has no idea we slept together so now he is lying to her.  He says he can be alone he just WANTS someone... .doesn't NEED someone.

We've only been broken up for a month, he's only known her a week and he staying the night every night. I know this is on me... .I broke NC... .but now I'm even more of a mess than I was.  I see a new therapist today and have signed up to volunteer with rescued horses this weekend (equine therapy)... .how do I get out of this place? How do I not beat myself up for going back and asking when I new that he would use the opportunity to hurt me again as much as he could?

[cooper8675]

So I just couldn't take the pain anymore and went to my BPDex and asked to get back together.  Told him I'd be all in and everything. He wasn't happy becasue I left him... .which I know is a big deal for BPD's.  He said he loved me, would work on it, tell the new woman he was seeing that we are going to try, and then slept with me.  

He is still spending every night at her house... .so I assume he didn't tell her anything.  He sent me a text saying that we could go see his therapist next Tuesday to work on us.  I then texted, called, and email asking why he is not responding to any of my communication after he said we'd try and slept together.  I also pointed out that if he's with her every night until we go to therapy there isn't much point in going and why didn't he just tell me no. Why didn't he just say that he is with her now and that we are not going to work on anything. I'm sure she has no idea we slept together so now he is lying to her.  He says he can be alone he just WANTS someone... .doesn't NEED someone.

We've only been broken up for a month, he's only known her a week and he staying the night every night. I know this is on me... .I broke NC... .but now I'm even more of a mess than I was.  I see a new therapist today and have signed up to volunteer with rescued horses this weekend (equine therapy)... .how do I get out of this place? How do I not beat myself up for going back and asking when I new that he would use the opportunity to hurt me again as much as he could?

[hopealways]

We have been there - it hurts even worse, and you beat yourself up for basically flushing down all the progress you made, PLUS giving the BPD the satisfaction that you are still emotionally there for them (that's what they thrive on).

When he says he can be alone - so did mine - he is not being honest.  They say that because they want to believe it. Their patterns and actions, as with everything else about the BPD, speak louder than their words.

The only solution is NO CONTACT - yes, again.  My dear, could you imagine ever sleeping with one person while going to therapy to work on a relationship with another? Does it get more dysfunctional than that?  You deserve so much better.  You deserve normalcy and time to heal. I was a wreck for a week after I reached out to my BPDex and she gave the typical BPDex responses.  I will never do that again. Ever.

[cooper8675]

Thank you.  hopealways... .I'm trying to keep it all in perspective but I haven't been to work in a couple of days nor have I eaten much.  I have to go back tomorrow... .hopefully the therapist I'm seeing tonight will help get me out of bed!  Had I fully understood what would happen within me I would have never done it in the first places, but I thought it couldn't get any worse.  I was wrong.

[bpdspell]

Cooper,

Beating yourself up about breaking No Contact is a waste of time. Your human, you're still attached and you weren't done. Big Deal.

We all get up from the table when we're full. In your particular case you are enshrined in the midst of classic triangulation. Your BPD has two sources of supply and the ego validation that you still want him back. Ultimately this is not healthy for you. The only way out of this messy situation is to take yourself out of the triangle.

I was in your shoes when I recycled with my ex for the third time. This time there was another woman involved who he admitted he was sleeping with all the while telling me that I needed to "prove" that I really wanted him back. Emotionally I stooped to an all time low as I accepted his bargaining chips in the midst of deep humiliation. For the life of me I couldn't shake his hooks. I wanted him back but I didn't even like his warped entitled personality. This is called enmeshment.

What helped me to finally go NC was BPD family and learning about the severity of narcissism and this shade of it which is called BPD. They are very, very, very sick people with sick minds and there is nothing we can do that will get them to treat us with respect, reciprocity, and emotional integrity. They are emotionally stunted around the ages of 3-6 and emotionally act and behave as children. The more you want them; the more they devalue you.

The toxic dance with them is idealization, devalue, discard... .rinse, wash, repeat... .

There is not working it out with them because they are controlled by their sickness. There is no happy ending with them... .only more abuse as they project their shame and self-hate onto anyone who gets close.

You may feel like the other woman is winning; but she isn't. In time he will do the same thing to her that he's done in all his past relationships. Once they drop the mask who they truly are is no prize worth our dignity and self-respect.

Hope this helps.

Spell

[fromheeltoheal]

Saying a BPD does something to hurt you as much as he could is giving him way too much credit.  A BPD's labile moods are the result of the continual emotional chaos the disorder creates, and it's all they can do to keep a lid on it, it has nothing to do with you, and whatever he was feeling when he was with you was 100% real for him at the time.

Also, don't give any weight to the words, they don't matter, the actions are the truth.

[Ironmanrises]

We have been there - it hurts even worse, and you beat yourself up for basically flushing down all the progress you made, PLUS giving the BPD the satisfaction that you are still emotionally there for them (that's what they thrive on).

When he says he can be alone - so did mine - he is not being honest.  They say that because they want to believe it. Their patterns and actions, as with everything else about the BPD, speak louder than their words.

The only solution is NO CONTACT - yes, again.  My dear, could you imagine ever sleeping with one person while going to therapy to work on a relationship with another? Does it get more dysfunctional than that?  You deserve so much better.  You deserve normalcy and time to heal. I was a wreck for a week after I reached out to my BPDex and she gave the typical BPDex responses.  I will never do that again. Ever.

Spot on Hope.

That barrier will give you space... .

To heal.

Hang in there.

[DragoN]

What helped me to finally go NC was BPD family and learning about the severity of narcissism and this shade of it which is called BPD. They are very, very, very sick people with sick minds and there is nothing we can do that will get them to treat us with respect, reciprocity, and emotional integrity. They are emotionally stunted around the ages of 3-6 and emotionally act and behave as children. The more you want them; the more they devalue you.

The toxic dance with them is idealization, devalue, discard... .rinse, wash, repeat... .

There is not working it out with them because they are controlled by their sickness. There is no happy ending with them... .only more abuse as they project their shame and self-hate onto anyone who gets close.

You may feel like the other woman is winning; but she isn't. In time he will do the same thing to her that he's done in all his past relationships. Once they drop the mask who they truly are is no prize worth our dignity and self-respect.

Really they are a sick lot only to be pitied and avoided.

[cooper8675]

Thanks everyone.  I did cut off complete communication with him again.  While I'm in a lot of pain I have no interest in letting him have the opportunity to say anything else to me.  I wrote down what  his actions are actually like with me and re-read them anytime I feel like I'm only remembering the good.  It has helped.

And Spell thanks for pointing out he is getting his ego met by two women... .I hadn't thought about it like that.  I realize that his behavior hasn't changed nor will it.

I can't wait for this fog to lift!

[maxen]

hi cooper. i agree with BPDspell above, don't beat yourself up about making contact. just don't do it again. i know how hard it is, i'm 2 1/2 weeks into total NC with my BPD tbxw, and it feels every day like my chest is collapsing in on itself. literally. it's that bad, but there's no alternative that i know, so brace for it.

every thread i read here has some tidbits that mirror my experience.

This time there was another woman involved who he admitted he was sleeping with all the while telling me that I needed to "prove" that I really wanted him back. Emotionally I stooped to an all time low as I accepted his bargaining chips in the midst of deep humiliation.

My dear, could you imagine ever sleeping with one person while going to therapy to work on a relationship with another? Does it get more dysfunctional than that?

my wife deceived me and left the marriage on one hour's notice, and moved directly in with the other party. in an email out of the blue two weeks later she pondered out loud if she could save the marriage, then torpedoed the idea and went to a lawyer. two months later she suggested we meet to consider reconciliation, and, humiliated and still too stunned to establish any terms, i agreed, and at that dinner she said "i'm here to listen", viz, she wants to know what i have to offer that would bring her back. when we parted she had agreed to go to CT (yes, my idea), while living with the other party, whom she was therefore deceiving just as she deceived me. after that i pulled myself together as best i could and sent the 'sorry, no more' email. sending that felt like an amputation with no anesthetic. she wrote back that she got it but wasn't going to read it, but she does care very deeply for me. objectively, it doesn't get any more dysfunctional than that. but i can't be objective.