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UmbrellaBoy
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« on: October 02, 2013, 01:35:43 AM » |
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Reading about BPD, one of the things I hear about is "splitting," is the "black or white" thinking/feeling about people or topics.
And I'll admit that, while I definitely saw some odd idealization of certain people (including myself) at certain times, and while I certainly think a distancing/devaluing process went on before he finally dumped me and cut me out... .his thinking, in general, was nuanced and was rarely "all good" or "all bad" about things at any given moment.
However, what I DID notice was that how he felt at the moment (even if it was a particular mix of good and bad) was always "the truth" even if just days or weeks earlier he had felt differently, had felt a different mix. So, for example, one day he might be feeling very positively towards me. Not totally, I wouldn't say necessarily "painted white," he still was nuanced enough to notice pros and cons... .but, boy, when that particular set of emotions was in place, then it was reality, and guided his actions. But then just days later, doubts and hesitancy and other desires could set in on his part and even though he didn't paint me black and still recognized good qualities in me... .suddenly the doubt and hesitancy and the more-negative-than-positive evaluation was suddenly the reality that he would act on.
So I have a theory from my experience that "splitting" is less about thinking in "all good" or "all bad" terms, and more that it is about only being able to identify with their CURRENT present emotions. That is to say, they only have "first order" desires, but are not able to experience a continuity formed by any overarching "second order" desires.
So, for example, if they are feeling warm and loving towards you, then that is their truth at the moment. But if they get angry, then THAT is reality. For most of us, if we are angry with someone we love, we still love them underneath. We'd say, "Yes, our surface emotions at this moment are angry and pretty negative, but deep-down [ie, our second-order desires] we still love you and if there was a sudden emergency our anger would not prevent us from acting in a manner that was guided by that deeper love." The overall trajectory of our behavior is still maintained in a continuity by the deeper second-order desire.
But I think for the Borderline, the present emotional state is all there is, or at least all they know how to relate to or understand or access consciously, and so if they're angry, there is no "but deep-down I really still" idea.
I don't think that anger or bad emotion has to be "total" or "absolute," though. It may be that at a given moment they're feeling a mix of emotions good and bad (indeed, isn't ambivalence their hallmark?) but it's just that whatever mix they're feeling at that particular moment is THE reality guiding their behavior, with no continuity of deeper second-order desire to structure their overall trajectory over time, to keep them on a consistent general course through the vicissitudes of the day-to-day mood swings.
This is what I witnessed or how I saw splitting manifested, at least. Not necessarily "all black" or "all white" so much as "can't identify with any desires other than the 'first order' emotional state of the current present moment"... .but I'm not sure it necessarily means, for all of them, that the emotional state of the current present moment can't be nuanced or mixed, just that there is no "deeper" structure of continuity to it.
In February when he came back to me I said, "But you decided you didn't want this" and he said, "Yes, but in the time apart I realized that my love was the deeper truer emotion and that my doubts were just on the surface." Flash forward a few months later when he's dropping me I say, "But you said you wanted this and realized you did love me" and suddenly it was "Yes, but now I've realized my doubts were the deeper truer emotion and that was just on the surface." It was like he couldn't describe whether a zebra was "white with black stripes" or "black with white stripes." Except, as I said, in his case it wasn't necessarily total-black and total-white so much as "dark grey versus light grey." But the the point was still that he didn't seem to be able to identify with any deeper emotional continuity other than the one that he was currently feeling or which was most prevalent in the immediate past, and so there was a lack of any consistency.
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