another mum

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I spent this weekend away with some friends and ended up sharing a room with a friends mum. She was so lovely and was really relaxed and easy going with everyone, she was more like another friend. Just brought it home how including my mother in a fun social occasion is something I can never do. I came home to be greeted by my own mother, who didn't even ask me if I enjoyed myself. I feel like I did when I was at school: I used to wish my friends mums were mine and that one day I'd find out I was adopted.

[sophiegirl]

I spent this weekend away with some friends and ended up sharing a room with a friends mum. She was so lovely and was really relaxed and easy going with everyone, she was more like another friend. Just brought it home how including my mother in a fun social occasion is something I can never do. I came home to be greeted by my own mother, who didn't even ask me if I enjoyed myself. I feel like I did when I was at school: I used to wish my friends mums were mine and that one day I'd find out I was adopted.

[Contradancer]

My mother is BPD.  I understand what you are feeling.  It's difficult sometimes when we get to spend time with a nonBPD, only to have to go back to our own BPD parent or spouse.    I wish I had an answer, instead of just empathy for you.

[GeekyGirl]

It's so normal to be jealous or envious. I know what you mean, sophiegirl. It's nearly impossible to not feel that way when you see someone else's loving and considerate mother.   

How are you doing today now that you're back?

[lkic]

I have a son who I suspect is BPD he is a  nightmare to live with,  I got into the habit of looking at lads his age and wishing they were my son and really envying their mum.  Even lads who looked like thugs or neds I envied their mothers.  My rock bottom came one day I was in Sainsburys and saw a mother with her downs syndrome son looked about the same age as my son and they were shopping together, she was asking him what type of cereal he wanted, it seemed so affectionate and I was so jealous, I actually had to leave the shop because I started to cry.  I am crying now as I know in my heart of hearts that that poor woman has many major issues about her own mortality etc.  I can't think about that day without crying.  I wish I had a normal son any form of normal is preferable to this walking on eggshells and knowing that he cannot stand you.  My heart breaks for you but I totally understand your pain.  It's just not fair and it's not fair for my son or your mum either.

[sophiegirl]

Thanks for your replies and sharing your thoughts too lkic, its sad but comforting to know I am not alone, I really thought I was before finding this board. I just don't understand why I have a mother I can't even have a reasonable conversation with without causing some sort of scene. I don't want to use up all this energy setting boundaries, how nice would it be if we said the wrong thing by accident just to laugh and say 'whoops sorry, you know what I mean' and not have to brace for impact? I am hardly ever relaxed, I am so used to being on my guard, even when I am relaxed part of me is just pretending, I even worry I'm turning into her sometimes . sorry, I am just being a pity me at the moment as life is just feeling a little unfair. But what has really brought it home was that I have a friend who didn't need to think twice about unexpectantly including her mother in a social weekend whereas I would have just cancelled.

ok, rant over! thanks for reading!

[GeekyGirl]

I just don't understand why I have a mother I can't even have a reasonable conversation with without causing some sort of scene. I don't want to use up all this energy setting boundaries, how nice would it be if we said the wrong thing by accident just to laugh and say 'whoops sorry, you know what I mean' and not have to brace for impact?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could pick our parents? You're right--it does feel sometimes like we got unlucky in the parents department. It's ok to be sad about that and have some empathy for yourself.

I am hardly ever relaxed, I am so used to being on my guard, even when I am relaxed part of me is just pretending, I even worry I'm turning into her sometimes . sorry, I am just being a pity me at the moment as life is just feeling a little unfair.

You deserve some happiness and relaxation. Do you feel like you can't relax around your mother, or in general? When do you feel like you're at your best or happiest?

[sophiegirl]

happiest on my bicycle!

[GeekyGirl]

happiest on my bicycle!

Do you get to ride often? Is there a way that you could use that to help you feel more comfortable in other areas of your life?

[lkic]

It would be lovely if we could cherry pick our family members, alas we cannot and have to put up with the ones we are allocated.  I often think though that at least we can walk away from it, or get away from it either by going on holiday or going out on our bicycle but they cannot, they are stuck with it 24/7.  My son said that to me, he wished he could escape from himself and his destructive thoughts.  I try to have sympathetic thoughts towards him but it's hard sometimes and I have accepted that once he is a bit more able to cope that he will stop all contact, he says he won't but I know he will due to past experience.  Very sad situation for me but ten times worse for him.  Sophie I feel so sorry for your mum because you sound like a lovely young lady and yet it sounds like she is not capable of appreciating you.  Very sad for you but sad for her too.  This disorder is horrible.

[sophiegirl]

thanks Lkic! I can't imagine how you cope with having a son with problems, it is I'm sure much harder emotionally than having a difficult mother. I will have to confess, although its nice to be thought of as a young lady I am actually 47 and  a caregiver for my mother who is 88.  I have just been so downhearted by my situation this year I probably come across as a rather grumpy child! On the surface everything looks great, nice home, nice family and good job, people tell me how lucky I am to still have my mother alive and living with us. But the reality is quite different as I actually feel a sort of revulsion towards her. sorry if that sounds horrible, but this is the only place I can say whats on my mind... .

[lkic]

I understand that completely, in fact how could you not feel that way.  When I lived with my son I felt like an abused wife,  I am still suffering from the trauma of that even though I have been away for 3 weeks, it will take me months to find my way back to my normal.  Had I had to  stay there I would have continued to feel the hatred inside me and that is what is so sad about their illness or condition, never sure what to call it.  We, I mean you, me, my son and your mum have all been dealt a rotten blow and I know inside that another person in my situation would have sunk like a stone, people in your situation would have sunk like stone.  We are strong people but even strong people have a breaking point and that is why you need to escape for a while to save your own sanity.  I did think you were younger but in a way that's even sadder because it means you have been putting up with this for longer.  Has the last year been different or has it gotten worse or are you just a bit worn down?  Do you get holidays, a chance to recharge your batteries?  That is essential especially if you are the main care giver to an 88 year old woman never mind one with issues. 

[sophiegirl]

Hi,

Well this year she has refused respite care, we generally get away for  just one weekend a year as a family. So my husband and I have been away separately a couple of times which I feel quite resentful of. She has also been ill which has worn me down too. We do plan to get away for 3 days just before Christmas and have arranged a house/mother sitter. People say we should just go on holiday and leave her but she works herself up into such a state its really too much, last time we organised respite care she ended up getting admitted to hospital, we went anyway as I was determined not to relent to her and we weren't going far, but it does mean that 'proper' holidays are off the menu. I haven't put up with this for the whole 47 years, I left home at 18 and kept her at arms length as much as possible, monthly visits and Christmas day, I became caregiver just during the last 5 or 6 years but now its daily contact, sometimes when shes really on a roll I just don't speak to her for a few days, she calms down and is normal for a while.

Will you see your son at Christmas / New Year?

[lkic]

No I won't see him at all he doesn't want anyone with him he prefers to be on his own.  Having people around causes major anxiety for him.  I find it totally soul destroying but I can't change things. 

Seems such a shame you cannot get a holiday with your husband, I hate to say this but if she is 88 that situation will not last forever.  I have a friend who moved in with her mother when her mother got old and frail and that woman got ill every time my friend booked a holiday.  She also ended up in hospital while my friend was away.  Definitely control freak tactics and that woman did not have BPD she was just domineering.  Actually she died last year and my friend was really devastated even though we used to say what an old witch she was .  Sad.