Notes and Letters

[downandin]

I have a quick question.  Since my wife gave me a note saying she wants to separate, I've been thinking maybe I should write her a note telling her how much I still love her and that I don't want our marriage to end.  I was wondering if maybe a note would make more of an impact than talking, since talking seems to be doing no good.  I would strive really hard not to put anything in the note except positives and try not to JADE.  What do you think?  Has anyone else tried this with any success?  Sometimes I think my wife understands things better if she reads them instead of hearing them.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

You can try it, but usually notes like this don't have the effect we hope for.  Have you read about DEARMAN?  Whether you talk to her or write it out, it's a good way to ask her for something you want or need - like a chance to work on the marriage, or counselling, etc.

You can write your thoughts here, or practice conversations with her, and we'll give feedback.   

[downandin]

Have you read about DEARMAN? 

No I'm not sure what ":)EARMAN" is.  If it is on the site somewhere, then it is something I have missed.  As far as practicing here, that would be nice.  I won't have time to post today, but I will work on something and try to post it tomorrow.  I will really appreciate feedback.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi downandin, here's a link to it: TOOLS: D.E.A.R.M.A.N - asking for what we need

A very quick summary or the first four steps, as they would be the main parts in a written note:

-describe the situation

-express how you feel about it

-assert yourself (state what you want)

-reinforce reward (state how this would be beneficial to the other person)

How are you doing?

[downandin]

Hi downandin, here's a link to it: TOOLS: D.E.A.R.M.A.N - asking for what we need

A very quick summary or the first four steps, as they would be the main parts in a written note:

-describe the situation

-express how you feel about it

-assert yourself (state what you want)

-reinforce reward (state how this would be beneficial to the other person)

How are you doing?

Yes, I do remember reading this now, thanks for the link.  I don't know if this will work for what I want to write, since, it is more an expression of how I want to work on the marriage than asking for something specific.

Thanks for asking how I am doing.  It is rough, but better than a few days ago.  I'm not completely painted black anymore, but she still says she wants to separate.  I will write out something, trying to use DEARMAN as a general guide and post it tomorrow for feedback.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

It's good to hear that you're doing a little better 

I'll look for you note tomorrow, then

[Sugarlily]

I've only used notes/letters a few times, but when I have they always helped. My bf refers back to them when he is struggling. I started using them because he doesn't always remember properly what I have said. The same is true of emails that he will look back through them and they seem to be provide the type of reassurance that he needs much better than anything verbal.

[briefcase]

If you don't want to ask her to work on the relationship, but just want to share your feelings, you can use S.E.T.

Make a statement of Support

Make a statement of Empathy

Then speak your Truth.

All of these communication tools are in the Lessons, which are linked on the right side of the screen.  There is a ton of information in the Lessons so don't worry if you forget some of what you read - it's a process!

[downandin]

If you don't want to ask her to work on the relationship, but just want to share your feelings, you can use S.E.T.

Make a statement of Support

Make a statement of Empathy

Then speak your Truth.

All of these communication tools are in the Lessons, which are linked on the right side of the screen.  There is a ton of information in the Lessons so don't worry if you forget some of what you read - it's a process!

I actually did not write a note, that's why I didn't post one.  I wrote her a very long poem instead.  In it I talked about all the good times we have had, made it clear how much I love her and that I'm willing to let her go, and asked that she remember the good and not the bad.  She 'thawed' a great deal after reading it.  She told me that she still loves me and doesn't want me to be alone.  She still says that she wants us to separate, though, to give her time to think.  I told her that I am going to try and work on myself and my own issues, no matter what she does.  As far as separation, I simply explained again that I have no place to go.  It takes every penny I make to pay the bills, and usually I am short.  That is pretty much where we left things. 

What struck me most was her saying that even though she loves me, she sees people all the time that "have it all" and she doesn't understand why she can't.  I told her that she needs to always remember that these people may 'appear' to have everything, but that she does not live in their houses.  This has always been the problem in our marriage.  I make concessions and concessions and compromises and compromises.  She wants what she wants and is not willing to make the short-term concessions to reach the long-term goals.  Do you know what I mean?  Her father told me when I went to him to ask if I could marry his daughter (yes, I really am that old-fashioned) that "she is a wonderful girl, but she will never be happy."  I truly know now what he meant. 

[briefcase]

Oh yeah!  I know exactly what you mean.  My wife is much like this too - wants more than we have, tries to keep up with the Jones.  When my wife expresses these things, I feel very uncomfortable with her unhappiness and my first instinct is to try to make her happy.  I spent years trying. 

I've had to really work on my side of that issue.  Learning to live with her emotions that I don't understand or even like.  She is really the one in control of her own happiness (even though she blames me sometimes).  I don't have special powers to make her feel happy.  She needs to do things that enable her own happiness.  I can support her in that, but I can't make it happen for her.

Her happiness is not your responsibility.  But learning that lesson is.  It's hard, but there is hope.

[empathic]

What struck me most was her saying that even though she loves me, she sees people all the time that "have it all" and she doesn't understand why she can't.  I told her that she needs to always remember that these people may 'appear' to have everything, but that she does not live in their houses.  This has always been the problem in our marriage.  I make concessions and concessions and compromises and compromises.  She wants what she wants and is not willing to make the short-term concessions to reach the long-term goals.  Do you know what I mean?  Her father told me when I went to him to ask if I could marry his daughter (yes, I really am that old-fashioned) that "she is a wonderful girl, but she will never be happy."  I truly know now what he meant. 

My wife said something similar recently, that other married couples go on nice vacations, get babysitters and do fun things together etc etc. She has a big problem with envy and during that talk she actually admitted to being very envious of others.

I similarly told my wife that she does not know what goes on behind closed doors with those other couples. But I have given up on trying to reach my wife with logic, usually she will bring up the same thing on a later occasion without remembering any conclusions from previous discussions. It has started to get really complicated arguing with her, because I don't see the point in arguing anymore... .she is what she is and the best I can do is try to make myself happy, and I hate arguing!

Can also relate to compromising a lot with my own wishes but not getting anything in return. She hardly ever compromises when she wants something.