Don't know what to do

[Jd1980]

I have been married for 10 years and through the years my mother in law has been getting worse.  She's has been to a mental facility probably about 12 times (only because she's been forced to because of her rage) and yet she feels nothing is wrong and the world is out to get her. 

She has reached a critical point now where she shows up to relatives houses (3 hours away) and tries to set their house on fire telling them it's all their fault.  I could go into a list of incidents that have occurred recently but then this post would be extremely long... .I'll just say she is in a lot of legal trouble and what's worse everytime she is involuntary committed to a mental health facility she stays for a couple weeks, tells them what they want to hear and is released only to do something disorderly to end back at the same facility.  One time she showed up at our house looking for money... .when my husband told her 'no' she went into a rage and tried breaking into our house by punching our back door to find things she could pawn.  The cops showed up but she took off before they came and in the process... .she hit my neighbors car... .the incident ended up with her back in the mental health facility ... .only to be released again.

It doesn't stop, she has left voicemails repeatedly about how horrible her son (my husband) is, how dare he calls the cops on her, just insult after insult.  It was so bad that my husband had to block her number.  She's managed to use other peoples cell phones to leave more... .It's sad to see my husband suffering like this hoping that he could have his mom back to what she was... .and it's tearing him apart.

  I'm deathly afraid of her, I don't want her near me or the kids... .I want to be a supportive spouse but I'm at a loss here... .what should I do? Should we just move away ? Should we cut her out of our lives?  I know we can't help a person who feels that they have no issues... .

[Reg]

Hi Jd1980,

A very warm welcome to BPD Family.

The least one can say is that you and your family have been on a very rough ride with you mother in law !

It's hard to believe sometimes that people who need long term treatment, are released so easily again, but on the other hand, if I look to the little effort that is done often by hospitals and even the judicial system in my own country, I know just what is happening... .  Unbelievable isn't it !

If I read what you're saying, that she is driving three hours far to relatives to cause havoc and worse, I'm a bit afraid that moving away is no real option to solve the problem, and cutting her out of your lives, might be a solution, but I think she won't agree with that... .

I can believe that one get's afraid of such people and behavior,also for the children.  Have you done already some serious legal steps on the matter ?

Also I hear you when you say that she is released time after time by playing normal and is released.  Have you been involved to hear your side of the story on the matter ?

Hang in there ! You've come to the right place for support !

Reg

[Jd1980]

Thank you for your reply, we have taken steps to cut her out.  But she somehow forces her way back in by showing up.  When we don't answer her calls (when she uses a different phone number) she leaves voicemails offering money or gifts (with strings attached) and we refuse causing her to rage again.

I want to get a no contact order but my husband is showing guilt whenever we talk about it, thinking he is turning his back on his mom if he does it.  Even after she physically attacks him. It's taken its toll as he wants to avoid talking about it, and I can see he is dealing with a lot of childhood trauma... .and just can't convince him enough to talk to a professional on overcoming this.

I don't know how to be involved when it comes to being released but everyone in the family agrees that she needs to stay here.  We sometimes have suspicions that she might be abusing drugs but we have no clue because she is so secretive.   

[zone out]

JD1980

I would like to join Reg in welcoming you to BPD family - I am so sorry to hear of the situation you are your family are in with MIL.

I can understand why you feel scared - her extreme behavior must be very challenging to deal with.

Would your husband be willing to discuss his feelings of guilt with a therapist to enable you to consider a no contact order.   You need to feel safe in your own environment.

Keep reading and posting - let us know how things are with you.

All good wishes to you

Zone out

[survivor123]

As the person said above, have you tried contacting a lawyer for advice?  Perhaps a restraining order.  Yes, she could get arrested, but that may be a good thing.  The more legal trouble she has, the more likely she will be put away -- somewhere at least. 

[Jd1980]

She showed up today when we were watching a serious game of football.  He went out and demanded that she leave immediately.  She wasn't mean or nasty but he didn't want to chance it.  She eventually left, but I can see an immediate change in his composure and how sad he felt.  I talked to him letting him know he shouldn't feel bad but he said he felt sick to his stomach on how mean and harsh he was to her.  I think professional therapy might help.

[zone out]

JD1980

Your husband has taken an important step to protect his family.  I am sorry to hear of his distress.  do you think he would consider going to a therapist? - therapy would really help him to work out his feelings.  Lots of us on this site suffer from FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.  Just type in the key words in the search facility and see what comes up.

Do you think your husband would explore BPD family with you?  Reading lots of posts really helps to put things in perspective and it is good to know you are not alone.  He is fortunate to have your support and concern, a supportive partner means a lot.

There are lots of good articles -

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