Feeling traumatized by BPD relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been a month since we last spoke.

I met Emily (name changed) online a year ago through Facebook. Things started off great, but once in a while I noticed that very minor things could set her off. The first time was an off color joke I employed to try and cheer her up, which resulted in a blowup and her withdrawing from me until the next day. It took serious work to get past this transgression, but after several hours we seemed to be sailing along again.

Very early in the relationship Emily told me that she was raped and molested by the son of a babysitter when she was kindergarten age. She said that her mother was aware of the abuse but failed to act appropriately. She described her father as an abusive, narcissistic alcoholic who left to start a new family as she was growing up. She also told me she has been living with another woman for the last 12 years, but assured me she was unhappy and that the two of them had not been intimate for the last 4 years. She also told me she suffers from PTSD and that she had a near death experience a few years back relating to a botched hysterectomy.

When Emily and I first met in person several months after we began talking regularly, some red flags began emerging in more detail. As we were preparing to sleep for the night, she came to bed completely naked. Perhaps that is normal to some of you, but it seemed strange since we had only met in the flesh hours earlier. We did not have sex, though we did fool around some. The following day, Emily was withdrawn and distant. We slept in separate beds that second night, and by the next day I decided I needed to return home (a 10 hour drive).

I stopped to stay in a hotel room not far from where we were, as I was too emotionally exhausted to make the trip. I got online to send her some messages, and she told me she had withdrawn because I came off as aggressive to her. She reiterated her difficulties in trusting people, and assured me it would be possible for her to trust me, but I would have to prove myself. Even though I knew I had not been aggressive in the least when we were together, I volunteered to enter counseling to work on "my issues." At the first session, my therapist told me to drop the label "aggressive," as it was not a trait she was detecting at all.

I started to unravel my story to my therapist. I told her that Emily has a hard life. I told her about her upbringing, about her PTSD, about her Lyme disease, her anxiety and her arrhythmia. I told her that I often felt at a loss as to how to support her, as I never seemed capable of saying anything right. I told her that she seemed to withdraw more the closer we seemed to become, and that she often would use silent treatments with me as punishment for my transgression, which was usually wondering where she's been and how she is doing. I told my therapist how emasculated I felt in the relationship, one moment seeming to be valued as a good person and the next moment compared to her abusive, narcissistic father.

When Emily and I first met, she told me of the most wonderful orgasm she had ever experienced. She said it was brought on by a couple. Months later, I brought this statement back up to her in conversation, and she denied ever having told me about the experience. She swore up and down she never said it, and I gave up trying to convince her otherwise, accepting her narrative to keep the peace. Another time, when on Skype, she mentioned with a smile, "If you want a threesome, I know a girl." I got a funny look on my face and said, "I only want you, Emily." Her facial expression quickly turned serious, as though she were scrambling, unaware of her folly. She promised it was a joke, but it certainly did not feel like one in the least.

Over time I wondered more about her living situation with Martha, as we'll refer to her. No matter how many times we would broach the subject of Martha, Emily would become uncomfortable each time. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know when the relationship between the two was going to end, and I wanted to know why there was so much secretiveness around a relationship she claims to be non-intimate. These conversations would go nowhere, with no answers, and would end with her not talking to me for several days.

One day, when describing the latest series of events, my counselor recommended I read a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." She didn't tell me what the subtitle was. I went home and purchased it on Kindle and read the entire thing that night, realizing by the end that I was in a relationship with a woman who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. Suddenly the woman who was once this person I was going to "help and rescue" (silly me) became, overnight, a person suffering from what seemed to basically be a hopeless condition. And, rather than run, I started to accept that fact and begin researching how a partner can best navigate a relationship with someone with BPD.

I thought I loved her. I wanted it to work. I didn't want to give up.

However, once I realized what I was dealing with, I began seeing the signs of BPD manifesting in real time over and over. I wanted out, but I didn't know how to break the tie. I began to assert myself more. I began standing up for myself. These were terrible, terrible actions on my part. I would make clear that i would no longer take the abusive anger and aspersions she would cast my way, making clear I would be leaving if the behavior did not improve. As she saw more often that I was quite serious, her rages became messages of love and wanting to make things worse between us. I'd see this shift in real time within a matter of a few sentences! She would go from, "It's all about you and your needs! You're such an ass. I see how it is. I thought you were going to be there for me, but I see I was wrong. I so get it." to "I love you and I want you to be the person I spend my life with. I don't really think you're an ass." A total 360 once the fear of abandonment was imminent.

This began creating an even unhealthier dynamic in our relationship. I began using the "leave you" card more often as a way to get what I so desperately wanted - her love and affection. It often worked, and I began to even enjoy seeing her panic. Somehow this validated in me that she actually gave a crap about me, that she wanted me in her life.

Finally I could not leave the elephant in the room unaddressed anymore. I decided I needed to end the relationship as I could handle feeling as though I were some horse being told to go right and left even 5 seconds any longer. I sent her a heartfelt message and information on BPD. She panicked to get me back but would not admit to the obvious truth. I suspect she avoided reading about the disorder, as that would be too painful for her. For some reason I wound up taking her back. I was so addicted to her, really. Minus the BPD, amazingly enough, she would be a perfect mate. But, that's a major obstacle, now isn't it?

We met again in late May. Once again things got bad toward the end, ending with me leaving in the middle of the night to drive another 10 hours. We actually lasted a week this time, which was amazing. Of course, whenever we did meet, it had to be entirely on her terms. We could not mention it anywhere on Facebook or post photos (in fact, she abhorred the thought of having her photo taken). That was one other issue that continued eroding away at me. Everything about her became more and more private and secretive. I didn't want to be some guy she hides away from view anymore, pretending like we're just good old pals. I found it insulting in time, as though she did not value me.

Toward the end here, it was a constant stalemate. I no longer would accept the treatment, and we got in merry-go-rounds of projection. It always seemed like, eerily, everything she accused me of being was, at heart, who she was. It happened with such frequency and accuracy that I would marvel at it. I mean, I've heard of projection before, but this was some serious projection!

Emily never took ownership for any of our issues. At best, she would do some half-concession that always involved my taking co-ownership in the verbal and emotional abuse. "You should have known not to say that. You know trust is hard for me. You know I have PTSD. I wouldn't have responded to you that way if my boss wasn't such a b**** today. I've been running nonstop and just got in. All of my other friends understand that my life is really difficult these last few years, but it's always about you! You and your needs!"

My needs were better communication. For almost a year, I could not call her on her cell phone. I waited for her to set times for Skype, which were rare. We spent time chatting on Facebook a lot, though that became intermittent, too, as she would utilize silence as some strange punishment. Every single communication was on her terms and her schedule. I began to cringe anytime I heard something stressful happened in her day, as I knew it meant I would be on the receiving end of her wrath and emotional abuse.

So, here I am now, one month with no contact. She split me black and told me in the end she is alcoholic and needed to go inward. She closed her Facebook account and removed her Linkedin account. She also was losing her job at the university and being shuffled as a temp to another department (this was not new, as she'd moved departments or been out of work numerous times in the years leading up to it all). I finally decided to send her "roomate" an email one which was cordial, explaining our relationship, what I'd been told, and stating I was sharing it with them because they deserved to know it, as I doubted they did. I wanted to know it, too.

I received a legal response about cyberbullying from her hours later, and the exact same letter from Emily that evening, ccing in one of her powerful judge friends. I was shocked. I've not responded and will never respond to her should she ever initiate me again. I missed a delivery requiring a signature from me today from her neck of the woods. The delivery confirmation states it was sent on the same day the emails were sent, so I'm suspecting this will just be a formal letter like the one I received via email. Who knows how she painted me to other people in all of this.

I'm starting a new relationship now, admittedly in part to help dull the pain and what feels like trauma. I find myself very distrustful of women all of a sudden, vigilant and looking out for keywords or early signs. Even though nothing of the sort has manifested at this point, I'm still frightened and almost expecting to find it. I know they are sick, but I wish those with BPD knew what damage they inflict on others. I wish they had some self-awareness. Sadly, at core, they don't even know who they are, though, they are chameleons who latch on to anyone and anything that might be their next savior, incapable of loving any one of them.

So sad, and so destructive for all involved.

[numb_buddha]

It's been a month since we last spoke.

I met Emily (name changed) online a year ago through Facebook. Things started off great, but once in a while I noticed that very minor things could set her off. The first time was an off color joke I employed to try and cheer her up, which resulted in a blowup and her withdrawing from me until the next day. It took serious work to get past this transgression, but after several hours we seemed to be sailing along again.

Very early in the relationship Emily told me that she was raped and molested by the son of a babysitter when she was kindergarten age. She said that her mother was aware of the abuse but failed to act appropriately. She described her father as an abusive, narcissistic alcoholic who left to start a new family as she was growing up. She also told me she has been living with another woman for the last 12 years, but assured me she was unhappy and that the two of them had not been intimate for the last 4 years. She also told me she suffers from PTSD and that she had a near death experience a few years back relating to a botched hysterectomy.

When Emily and I first met in person several months after we began talking regularly, some red flags began emerging in more detail. As we were preparing to sleep for the night, she came to bed completely naked. Perhaps that is normal to some of you, but it seemed strange since we had only met in the flesh hours earlier. We did not have sex, though we did fool around some. The following day, Emily was withdrawn and distant. We slept in separate beds that second night, and by the next day I decided I needed to return home (a 10 hour drive).

I stopped to stay in a hotel room not far from where we were, as I was too emotionally exhausted to make the trip. I got online to send her some messages, and she told me she had withdrawn because I came off as aggressive to her. She reiterated her difficulties in trusting people, and assured me it would be possible for her to trust me, but I would have to prove myself. Even though I knew I had not been aggressive in the least when we were together, I volunteered to enter counseling to work on "my issues." At the first session, my therapist told me to drop the label "aggressive," as it was not a trait she was detecting at all.

I started to unravel my story to my therapist. I told her that Emily has a hard life. I told her about her upbringing, about her PTSD, about her Lyme disease, her anxiety and her arrhythmia. I told her that I often felt at a loss as to how to support her, as I never seemed capable of saying anything right. I told her that she seemed to withdraw more the closer we seemed to become, and that she often would use silent treatments with me as punishment for my transgression, which was usually wondering where she's been and how she is doing. I told my therapist how emasculated I felt in the relationship, one moment seeming to be valued as a good person and the next moment compared to her abusive, narcissistic father.

When Emily and I first met, she told me of the most wonderful orgasm she had ever experienced. She said it was brought on by a couple. Months later, I brought this statement back up to her in conversation, and she denied ever having told me about the experience. She swore up and down she never said it, and I gave up trying to convince her otherwise, accepting her narrative to keep the peace. Another time, when on Skype, she mentioned with a smile, "If you want a threesome, I know a girl." I got a funny look on my face and said, "I only want you, Emily." Her facial expression quickly turned serious, as though she were scrambling, unaware of her folly. She promised it was a joke, but it certainly did not feel like one in the least.

Over time I wondered more about her living situation with Martha, as we'll refer to her. No matter how many times we would broach the subject of Martha, Emily would become uncomfortable each time. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know when the relationship between the two was going to end, and I wanted to know why there was so much secretiveness around a relationship she claims to be non-intimate. These conversations would go nowhere, with no answers, and would end with her not talking to me for several days.

One day, when describing the latest series of events, my counselor recommended I read a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." She didn't tell me what the subtitle was. I went home and purchased it on Kindle and read the entire thing that night, realizing by the end that I was in a relationship with a woman who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. Suddenly the woman who was once this person I was going to "help and rescue" (silly me) became, overnight, a person suffering from what seemed to basically be a hopeless condition. And, rather than run, I started to accept that fact and begin researching how a partner can best navigate a relationship with someone with BPD.

I thought I loved her. I wanted it to work. I didn't want to give up.

However, once I realized what I was dealing with, I began seeing the signs of BPD manifesting in real time over and over. I wanted out, but I didn't know how to break the tie. I began to assert myself more. I began standing up for myself. These were terrible, terrible actions on my part. I would make clear that i would no longer take the abusive anger and aspersions she would cast my way, making clear I would be leaving if the behavior did not improve. As she saw more often that I was quite serious, her rages became messages of love and wanting to make things worse between us. I'd see this shift in real time within a matter of a few sentences! She would go from, "It's all about you and your needs! You're such an ass. I see how it is. I thought you were going to be there for me, but I see I was wrong. I so get it." to "I love you and I want you to be the person I spend my life with. I don't really think you're an ass." A total 360 once the fear of abandonment was imminent.

This began creating an even unhealthier dynamic in our relationship. I began using the "leave you" card more often as a way to get what I so desperately wanted - her love and affection. It often worked, and I began to even enjoy seeing her panic. Somehow this validated in me that she actually gave a crap about me, that she wanted me in her life.

Finally I could not leave the elephant in the room unaddressed anymore. I decided I needed to end the relationship as I could handle feeling as though I were some horse being told to go right and left even 5 seconds any longer. I sent her a heartfelt message and information on BPD. She panicked to get me back but would not admit to the obvious truth. I suspect she avoided reading about the disorder, as that would be too painful for her. For some reason I wound up taking her back. I was so addicted to her, really. Minus the BPD, amazingly enough, she would be a perfect mate. But, that's a major obstacle, now isn't it?

We met again in late May. Once again things got bad toward the end, ending with me leaving in the middle of the night to drive another 10 hours. We actually lasted a week this time, which was amazing. Of course, whenever we did meet, it had to be entirely on her terms. We could not mention it anywhere on Facebook or post photos (in fact, she abhorred the thought of having her photo taken). That was one other issue that continued eroding away at me. Everything about her became more and more private and secretive. I didn't want to be some guy she hides away from view anymore, pretending like we're just good old pals. I found it insulting in time, as though she did not value me.

Toward the end here, it was a constant stalemate. I no longer would accept the treatment, and we got in merry-go-rounds of projection. It always seemed like, eerily, everything she accused me of being was, at heart, who she was. It happened with such frequency and accuracy that I would marvel at it. I mean, I've heard of projection before, but this was some serious projection!

Emily never took ownership for any of our issues. At best, she would do some half-concession that always involved my taking co-ownership in the verbal and emotional abuse. "You should have known not to say that. You know trust is hard for me. You know I have PTSD. I wouldn't have responded to you that way if my boss wasn't such a b**** today. I've been running nonstop and just got in. All of my other friends understand that my life is really difficult these last few years, but it's always about you! You and your needs!"

My needs were better communication. For almost a year, I could not call her on her cell phone. I waited for her to set times for Skype, which were rare. We spent time chatting on Facebook a lot, though that became intermittent, too, as she would utilize silence as some strange punishment. Every single communication was on her terms and her schedule. I began to cringe anytime I heard something stressful happened in her day, as I knew it meant I would be on the receiving end of her wrath and emotional abuse.

So, here I am now, one month with no contact. She split me black and told me in the end she is alcoholic and needed to go inward. She closed her Facebook account and removed her Linkedin account. She also was losing her job at the university and being shuffled as a temp to another department (this was not new, as she'd moved departments or been out of work numerous times in the years leading up to it all). I finally decided to send her "roomate" an email one which was cordial, explaining our relationship, what I'd been told, and stating I was sharing it with them because they deserved to know it, as I doubted they did. I wanted to know it, too.

I received a legal response about cyberbullying from her hours later, and the exact same letter from Emily that evening, ccing in one of her powerful judge friends. I was shocked. I've not responded and will never respond to her should she ever initiate me again. I missed a delivery requiring a signature from me today from her neck of the woods. The delivery confirmation states it was sent on the same day the emails were sent, so I'm suspecting this will just be a formal letter like the one I received via email. Who knows how she painted me to other people in all of this.

I'm starting a new relationship now, admittedly in part to help dull the pain and what feels like trauma. I find myself very distrustful of women all of a sudden, vigilant and looking out for keywords or early signs. Even though nothing of the sort has manifested at this point, I'm still frightened and almost expecting to find it. I know they are sick, but I wish those with BPD knew what damage they inflict on others. I wish they had some self-awareness. Sadly, at core, they don't even know who they are, though, they are chameleons who latch on to anyone and anything that might be their next savior, incapable of loving any one of them.

So sad, and so destructive for all involved.

[GreenMango]

She overshared some really private things very early.  This isn't the sign of someone with good healthy boundaries.

It looks like it just got weirder and more bizarre from there huh?

I wouldn't attempt to contact her or anyone who knows her.  She's in damage control mode.  Now with that formal letter you could land yourself with some criminal problems. 

Have you had a chance to read the leaving lessons it some of the clinical info on BPD?   It helps a little.

[numb_buddha]

She overshared some really private things very early.  This isn't the sign of someone with good healthy boundaries.

It looks like it just got weirder and more bizarre from there huh?

I wouldn't attempt to contact her or anyone who knows her.  She's in damage control mode.  Now with that formal letter you could land yourself with some criminal problems. 

Have you had a chance to read the leaving lessons it some of the clinical info on BPD?   It helps a little.

Well mail wasn't delivered today and the post office was closed due to an emergency. I'm praying it's just a reiteration of their two emails in written form, as I have no desire to engage her again. My worst fear is it's some kind of initiation for legal proceedings. The good thing is our entire relationship, or the bulk of it, is in written form by way of texts and Facebook messages. I am also a public figure who reached out to many prominent people behind the scenes to share my struggles with them, who could be called on if necessary. At the same time I'd like to avoid it all if possible. She won't hear from me again, but I suspect I'll be hearing from her someday. These are sick people.

[GreenMango]

Was a lot of the relationship long distance?

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Many, many parallels with my 15 months relationship with my ex-bf... .

So far as your new relationship goes, I think the two things that leap out at me as I read more and more on this are mirroring and the push-pull-push-pull dance.

So if I were trying to trust in a new relationship, I would be looking for one which moves veeerry sloowly. No instant soulmate, no incredibly intense messaging, no constant contact. Just getting to know each other over several months, contact and communication which is steady, maybe daily, rather than all day every day. A BPD, I don't think, could cope with only having replies once a day, and no instant-intensity-soulmate reassurance.

And if a new partner and I fell out and had no contact for a while, I would be looking for proper discussion when we re-established contact. Acceptance of fault on both sides, discussion of what led to it, genuine apology for each one's part in it, and sincere determination for it not to happen again - and then I would want to take it slowly in reunion. Again, I think a BPD would want little or no discussion, brief meaningless apology, no ownership of blame, and they would be straight in there with new mirroring, making the reunion incredibly intense once more.

So... .slow. Very slow. And steady.

Think of the days before internet. I had LDRs then, and what it meant was writing once a week and phoning for 20-30 minutes a couple of times a week.

Can you imagine a BPD permitting that low level of contact with an online relationship nowadays? They'd never keep up the mirroring.

Slow. Steady.

And be proud of your achievements in moving on.

[numb_buddha]

Yes it was, GreenMango.

[numb_buddha]

Many, many parallels with my 15 months relationship with my ex-bf... .

So far as your new relationship goes, I think the two things that leap out at me as I read more and more on this are mirroring and the push-pull-push-pull dance.

So if I were trying to trust in a new relationship, I would be looking for one which moves veeerry sloowly. No instant soulmate, no incredibly intense messaging, no constant contact. Just getting to know each other over several months, contact and communication which is steady, maybe daily, rather than all day every day. A BPD, I don't think, could cope with only having replies once a day, and no instant-intensity-soulmate reassurance.

And if a new partner and I fell out and had no contact for a while, I would be looking for proper discussion when we re-established contact. Acceptance of fault on both sides, discussion of what led to it, genuine apology for each one's part in it, and sincere determination for it not to happen again - and then I would want to take it slowly in reunion. Again, I think a BPD would want little or no discussion, brief meaningless apology, no ownership of blame, and they would be straight in there with new mirroring, making the reunion incredibly intense once more.

So... .slow. Very slow. And steady.

Think of the days before internet. I had LDRs then, and what it meant was writing once a week and phoning for 20-30 minutes a couple of times a week.

Can you imagine a BPD permitting that low level of contact with an online relationship nowadays? They'd never keep up the mirroring.

Slow. Steady.

And be proud of your achievements in moving on.

Thank you. Yes, we are going slow. Also, there is no litany of how terrible her life is, or of how terrible her upbringing was. I think I found someone who is relatively healthy! That's a start. I admit I'm not getting the same "thrill" out of it as I did with my exBPDgf, however. In both cases I approached these woman, but with my BPDex I was the one who felt hopelessly drawn to her. This one feels so normal I'm a little frightened by that, actually. But I know what I want is something healthy. I do know that, and it's what i worked my ass off to no avail to accomplish with my ex. So I'm taking this slowly and so far it's been pretty great.

[fromheeltoheal]

I no longer would accept the treatment, and we got in merry-go-rounds of projection. It always seemed like, eerily, everything she accused me of being was, at heart, who she was.

Oh my god.  There are a lot of similarities among stories on this site, but this one takes the cake; it was EXACTLY my experience.  Sorry you too went through that buddha; your story is very well written and very painful for me to read.  Mine ended pretty much immediately when I got fed up with her sht and started giving it back to her, you went further than I did, kudos for that, thick skin required, I'd just had enough.  I hope your new gal helps and you are able to shed crazy quickly without repercussions.

[SinnerLloyd]

its good that you are able to start over again. Good luck

[GreenMango]

Sometimes that distance is what keeps the relationship going.  The pressure of intimacy isn't as bad. 

When you add the intimacy and the desire for more it can trigger the behavior can get wacky.

Make sense?