Something scared me: am I also potentially a "lost cause"?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is potentially more for "Personal inventory" section, but it could have saved me a lot of confusion if I could read it here.

I was having trouble accepting the concept that I also significantly contributed to this BPD relationship tornado that happened in my life. How is it possible that I did so much wrong? Which of my actions can be comparable to her repertoire of hurt? How come positive intent can be labeled as not-normal, i.e. codependent, that is in itself a disrder?

Then I stumbled upon an article that I cannot link, but in short it starts with telling a mechanic that we are all familiar with - how person with BPD splits his/hers undesirable parts and projects it on you. And hates you for that.

But then it explains that us nons do a very similar thing. We also split undesirable parts of our personalities (originating from core wounds), but instead of projecting (and hating), we displace them to our partners (so we can love from fixer position). In layman terms, we understand there is something odd in us, but instead of fixing ourselves, we find someone with similar flaws and try to fix them in order to compensate. Which makes it quite true that we found a person at a stage of emotional development similar to ours (however hard it is for me to accept).

Maybe this is all clear and I was having trouble understanding other means of describing this flaw in me, but this particular explanation stroke me deeply. It explains long-term dissatisfaction with my overall life, where I am pretty succesfull, but at the cost of choosing extremely stressful jobs (probably in order to prove my worth by wrong means). It also explains failure of some of my relationships where BPD was not involved - I simply stopped working on myself when I found someone else I can work on (and not growing can be pretty unattractive). Finally, it also explains why I put up with so much for so long in BPD relationship and allowed myself to be recycled countless times - she is just my kind of drug. Well, until she dysregulates.

But these realizations make me uneasy and scared. We know how BPD is deeply ingrained, resistant to treatment and without several strict preconditions to therapy, invariably a lost cause. But, what makes my, in all reality, pretty similar personality flaw any easier to treat? Should I be worried? Should I be very worried? Should I seek professional help urgently?

Sorry, I am a bit shook up right now. Opinions please?

[Numbers]

This is potentially more for "Personal inventory" section, but it could have saved me a lot of confusion if I could read it here.

I was having trouble accepting the concept that I also significantly contributed to this BPD relationship tornado that happened in my life. How is it possible that I did so much wrong? Which of my actions can be comparable to her repertoire of hurt? How come positive intent can be labeled as not-normal, i.e. codependent, that is in itself a disrder?

Then I stumbled upon an article that I cannot link, but in short it starts with telling a mechanic that we are all familiar with - how person with BPD splits his/hers undesirable parts and projects it on you. And hates you for that.

But then it explains that us nons do a very similar thing. We also split undesirable parts of our personalities (originating from core wounds), but instead of projecting (and hating), we displace them to our partners (so we can love from fixer position). In layman terms, we understand there is something odd in us, but instead of fixing ourselves, we find someone with similar flaws and try to fix them in order to compensate. Which makes it quite true that we found a person at a stage of emotional development similar to ours (however hard it is for me to accept).

Maybe this is all clear and I was having trouble understanding other means of describing this flaw in me, but this particular explanation stroke me deeply. It explains long-term dissatisfaction with my overall life, where I am pretty succesfull, but at the cost of choosing extremely stressful jobs (probably in order to prove my worth by wrong means). It also explains failure of some of my relationships where BPD was not involved - I simply stopped working on myself when I found someone else I can work on (and not growing can be pretty unattractive). Finally, it also explains why I put up with so much for so long in BPD relationship and allowed myself to be recycled countless times - she is just my kind of drug. Well, until she dysregulates.

But these realizations make me uneasy and scared. We know how BPD is deeply ingrained, resistant to treatment and without several strict preconditions to therapy, invariably a lost cause. But, what makes my, in all reality, pretty similar personality flaw any easier to treat? Should I be worried? Should I be very worried? Should I seek professional help urgently?

Sorry, I am a bit shook up right now. Opinions please?

[Lucky Jim]

Doubtless we Nons are fixers and enablers, to a greater or lesser extent, because it's sort of a given if you want to have a r/s with a pwBPD, yet I don't think that puts us in the category of a lost cause.  Just take what you've learned about yourself and move forward w/o all the BPD drama.  There are plenty of nice people out there who don't suffer from BPD!  Lucky Jim

[Lady31]

Hey 481 -

I have a thought here that may ease your worries.  While I agree mostly with all that was said in your post, the reason I find that not so scary for us is this:

The MAIN reason (from my understanding) a person with BPD has little hope of recovering is not necessarily because their issue is so deeply engrained (although that does mean they have to work harder/longer - but it is definitely not impossible to work through) - it is because they are unable to look within themselves because of the disorder.  It is because they are unable to face the reality of who they are so they CAN change. And also because of this fact, they don't seek help at all or for very long periods of time (don't stick it out.)

We do not have that problem, at least not on the level like they do that makes it near impossible to make progress.

Also note - all nons are different.  Some of them (us) have much deeper issues than others.  So - really working on those issues may be more involved for some and not so involved for others.  HOWEVER - they (we) do NOT have the same grim hope for the future for the reason stated above.

Breathe and relax.  Your mind and emotions will become clearer and clearer.  This anxiety your feeling will pass and you will see that you can and will be just fine.

[Learning_curve74]

It makes sense that in general people do get into relationships with other people that are at similar level of emotional development. Otherwise the relationship probably would not survive very long or even get off the ground as one person or even both would reject the other as not compatible.

While there are some elements of codependency that might scare you, 4815162342 (I'm tempted to try calling that number on my phone  ), I do not believe that the prognosis for healing is similar between it and BPD. If you read up on BPD, it is a serious mental illnesses that is resistant to treatment. Oftentimes, a pwBPD has to forge a very close relationship with their therapist, and as you've probably read, pwBPD have a persistent pattern of chaotic interpersonal relationships. My exBPDgf never told me why she stopped seeing her therapist, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't be surprised if she just suddenly stopped therapy out of the blue, just like some pwBPD dump their partners suddenly.

Not only is "codependency" not listed as a mental illness in the DSM, there is also no single agreed upon definition of what constitutes codependency. There is also the view that codependency is often positive traits and behaviors that have gone to excess.

If you feel that you are hitting a block in your personal growth, it never hurts to turn towards professional help. I have found it extremely helpful to have a therapist. Almost as soon as I realized my exBPDgf was mentally ill and "driving me crazy" I've been seeing a T which has been a very positive experience. However, if you are not ready to try it, maybe it is worthwhile picking up some reading on codependency and possibly a workbook on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Heck, why not do some reading AND get some therapy?

4815162342, if you are willing to take on your own issues head on, then that is a very positive step. It is okay to be somewhat shocked to learn these things about ourselves. I certainly rejected most of the characteristics that I read about codependency upon first reading, but now that I've had time to think about it, some of them do apply to me. And it's scary to realize it! But are we going to let fear be an obstacle to our growth? I hope not.  

[Turkish]

This is potentially more for "Personal inventory" section, but it could have saved me a lot of confusion if I could read it here.

I was having trouble accepting the concept that I also significantly contributed to this BPD relationship tornado that happened in my life. How is it possible that I did so much wrong? Which of my actions can be comparable to her repertoire of hurt? How come positive intent can be labeled as not-normal, i.e. codependent, that is in itself a disrder?

The fact that you posted this, means your level of self-awareness is not a "lost cause."

I brought something like this up (my "rescuing women" thing, along with me not doing something about helping her with her severe depressive episodes) with my T today, and he smiled, held up his hands, and said, "ok, I don't think we need to pathologize everything [about me], usually things are simpler, or are just this or that, etc... ." and then we went on about talking about her and what has been going on, how I was and am going to deal with it and so on.

All in all, after I read him some stuff she had written on our computer over the years, he (who saw her for two individual sessions before she quite) said, "this gives me some compassion towards her." I asked what he thought about what I read (after he asked me, of course), and he said, "I think she needs to be hospitalized." Whoah! I was almost at the point of calling the suicide hotline once with her, but that was interesting. Now I feel guilty, because she seems so high-functioning otherwise, but I know the "real" her more than anybody in the world, all of the pieces, some no one has seen. I feel so alone... .thankfully, all of you are here, so you, shouldn't feel so alone either. Take care and hang in there. -Turkish

[nevaeh]

Ironically, this is almost exactly what I have been thinking about over the past few days.

I am readying myself to split from my uBPDh of 18 years.  I am terrified of taking that final step of "telling" him I want a divorce and I keep asking myself WHY? Why am I so scared to tell him?  What is it, exactly, that is stopping me from just doing it? 

I was thinking deeply about this last night and had an "a-ha" moment... .I am scared because I realize I myself have contributed to where we are.  I have enabled H in SO MANY ways.  I have seen a divorce attorney 3 different times and have dreamed about divorcing him so many times I couldn't begin to count.  I have yelled at him, screamed at him, participated in his days/weeks of silent treatments, given him sex when he wants it, even when I don't.  I have listened to him insult, swear at, and berate our kids, especially S12 for YEARS.  I have picked up his messes he made during a temper tantrum and threw things across the room/all over the house, etc.  I have fixed walls, doors, and other various things that he broke during a rage.  I have lied about things that have happened to prevent him from losing his temper.  I keep things from him.  I try not to engage him in conversation because it becomes too stressful.  I don't ask him to help clean or do housework because he usually loses his temper and breaks something.  I terminated a pregnancy when we were dating because he said I had to choose him or having a baby... .he would not marry me and he knew he wasn't "ready" to be a parent.  I have ignored his porn surfing, cyber affairs, and have forgiven him for an affair he had while deployed in Iraq.

I HAVE LET THIS GO ON FOR 23 YEARS!  WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS WRONG WITH ME?

So, I think a large part of what is making this difficult for me is that I have to accept that I have let this go on far too long.  When I "explain" to H that I want a divorce, should I be honest and tell him that I don't really know when I actually stopped loving him and started "pretending" to love him?  Should I tell him that I have tried faking it for too long?  In fairness to him (and me) I should have ended it long ago so we both could have gone on with our lives.  He will say he still loves me and he doesn't want to lose me, I know he will. 

Then, there is this annoying, nagging question that goes something like "Am I the one who has BPD?"  I definitely have had black and white times over the years.  I have lost my temper.  I have loved him and hated him.  I *THINK* that my actions were justified by the things H has done but then I start doubting myself when he tells me that he only loses his temper because I don't give him enough sex.  Is he right?  Is he only like this because of me?

I think you hit on a very important point that we are both to blame for where we are at in our marriage.  The main difference I see is that I'm not sure, but I think H is OK with it how it is... .we have some bumpy times but we always rebound back.  I don't want to live like this anymore.  Ahhh, but maybe he thinks I'm thinking the same thing because I always stay with him after his tyrades... .I always try and make him feel better... .I play along with the silent treatment, etc... .go back to paragraph 3. 

I just realized last night that I can't reconcile all of this in my own head, let alone how in the world do I explain it to him and have him understand that I mean it this time and I don't want to be married to him anymore?

[DragoN]

Javamom,

Could have written most of your post.

File for divorce. Get the ball in motion and go from there. It's hell, but living with the BPD maelstrom? Is hell on earth and for what? More of the same? Pass

How is it possible that I did so much wrong? Which of my actions can be comparable to her repertoire of hurt? How come positive intent can be labeled as not-normal, i.e. codependent, that is in itself a disrder?

1. You and I and most of us here, never heard of BPD. I know I had no idea.

2. Most of them unfortunately. From the BPD perspective, you are the source of their pain.

3. Positive intent, when it becomes self sacrifice is the tipping point on the scale. Balance. We over do it, move our boundaries around to accommodate the BPD, or they smash through them.

My thoughts.

[Numbers]

4815162342 (I'm tempted to try calling that number on my phone 

Well, if you wish to talk to my ex, go ahead! I am joking, these are numbers from TV show "Lost". n.b. they did not win the lottery for me so far 

If you feel that you are hitting a block in your personal growth, it never hurts to turn towards professional help.

Well, I might just do that. It is kinda invalidating to admit that for the first time in my life I cannot heal myself. And I am a bit scared to throw that invalidation on top of the pile. You see, I am currently caught in a loop questioning everything, so I find little solace in elements of my life that should bring me at least some measure of self-worth. My few remaining friendships are being reevaluated for reciprocity, I have trouble with my physical appearance, my daily work is poisoned with fears of incompetence. Such a pitifull mess. Throw in deep depression, age, autoimmune problems and no wonder I am scared of being "lost cause".

I *THINK* that my actions were justified by the things H has done but then I start doubting myself when he tells me that he only loses his temper because I don't give him enough sex.  Is he right?  Is he only like this because of me?

This is beyond ridiculous (of him). I am (obvoiusly) male and to apply such pressure is unthinkable. If I would really miss more sex, I'd try to talk it out with you. Ultimately, if I really, really, still missed it, I would separate myself. What is happening here is that he found his button to push and is pushing it, circumventing the need to explain himself or take positive action. Even you trying to satisfy his needs above your desire makes you a million times better person. Temporarily blind, but better  .