How to move from Marriage Counseling to PD diagnosis

[A Dad]

Hi,

My wife and I are going for marriage counseling but I have come to the point where I know we have to separate, at least for now. Hopefully we will continue MC to get better understanding of each other and to improve our communication.

Before starting MC, I asked the psychologist if he has experience with BPD. He asked me if I suspected that my wife has it, and I told him that it is possible. He said that he knows about BPD (described it as an emotional disorder) but is not able to diagnose it. For that, he will have to send her to another institute.

In the next one or two MC, I want to bring up the idea that it is time now for us to seek individual therapy and work on our issues before we can continue on any therapy together again. Any tips on how I can guide us from MC to individual therapy which will hopefully lead to a diagnosis (or an all clear, though that seems unlikely)?

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[Mike76]

Wow... .adad...   you story seems one of the most similar to mine when it comes up MC.

First of I take it your wife does not suspect the BPD?

Here is my story... .you may see one possible situation.

FYI... .I married my BPDw a little more than 5 years ago.

Year 2 we attend a marriage commutation retreat, because we had to share communication it did not go well.

Year 3 I started asking for MC, but was refused

End of year 3 started T for myself and to find ways to get my wife to MC

Mid year 4 finally got my wife to MC number one, it blew up because the MC pushed my wife, this cancelled the MC, but got my wife to MC.

Few month later we started MC again.

My wife has now been in T for a year,  my wife told me she has a diagnoses but has never mentioned the BPD.  I happened across a book of hers that said "Living with BPD" or something.   So she has been told she has BPD,  I have figured it out for myself.  The problem is she has not told me yet.

By the way we have not separated yet.

Looking at these boards I am sure you have read bad stories about MC.   In my case the MC was only a goal to get her to own T.   In may case it work and she is now in the process of slowing getting help for the BPD.  For my it has become painful place right now, she know she has BPD, I know she has BPD.   The problem is we can not talk about, because she is not ready to.   My guess is unless I really push it we are looking at another 3-6 months.   So your strategy is what I have done, and it work so far for me.   The biggest problem is I had a goal of 6 months from her T to talking about BPD and we are at 14 month, and still several months from my goal.  So your plan may work, for the most part it worked for me.    The MC does not know I know of the BPD, but the MC knows of the BPD.   The MC does know I know there is diagnoses.  At the last weeks session, the MC mentioned,   SET,   I said I have read about it, and a few other things.   So I now believe the MC knows I knows what everyone else knows.   Other than the fact my wife knows, that I know.

Progress Yes.

Also do you have your own T?  I suggest if you can one to get one, you will need it.   That being said maybe try this MC session.  "I am struggling on how to be the best husband I can be... .I know I am part of the problem on why we are sitting her today. I may consider getting my on T to work on these issues"

Hopefully your wife will then agree to individual T as my wife did.   If you MC in a practice with out T, try to work with them.   This way can possible speak to each other, if needed.

[A Dad]

Hi Mike76,

Thanks for sharing your story. I read through your old posts briefly as well to see how it went for you.

We have a MC session in a couple of days and then another one in a week's time. Hopefully things go the way I am hoping. In my case, my goal is only to get my wife to the diagnosis. Right now I am at a point where I am actually looking forward to a separation (this might change, you know how these things go), so what she does with that diagnosis is up to her, but at least she will have the option of getting therapy to fix her issues so she doesn't f**k up as a mother as she did as a wife.

I will be getting my own T as soon as possible as well... kinda waiting to move forward with the separation as I will then be moving to a nearby bigger city.

[Mike76]

I have talked to my C many times about the following:

"I am not sure if my goal was\is save my marriage"

or

"Help me wife"

I have always stayed on the staying because that is my hope and dream.   I have never spoken the the MC individually so I am not sure the MC my goals.

My stress level has gone up on down over the years,  usually on up for a couple hours, days, maybe a week.  Right now I am about 4-5 weeks of stress and now maybe depression. I am really looking forward to meeting my own T tomorrow. It has been about 3 weeks since the last meeting, with my T.