Really tweaked perceptions the norm?

[unortel]

In the process of divorce from wBPD, mediation next week.  When ever she tells me something about the kids I need to check with them about what she said. They respond with a "NO, nothing like that".  She has labeled me as narcissistic, "not being mean, just food for thought" and sent me a diagnosis . Saying the kids are feeling hit_x . Again checking and their response is "what?"

Is this the norm?

I understand we all have our own realities, but does the BPD live in what seems like another dimension? 

[Century2012]

Oh yea.

[GreenMango]

My experience there was a lot of mind reading going on and assumptions not based on reality.

Your wife has a diagnosis shes in denial about and refuses dbt if I remember reading correctly.  And she was confronted about it.  Id say the next predictable step is exactly what she did - conscious denial and projecting out.  Not saying whether you have narcky traits or not - but that its pretty common to deflect from the issue at hand "her attending to her mental health" by foisting off this stuff.

Projection and enmeshment are pretty common.  it doesn't take BPD to do it but it is a common behavior of people with poor coping skills when the ego can't handle things and is trying to safe guard the mind.

Its good to do what you did and just ask the kids.  Her feelings in many cases are facts.  The kids know how they are feeling.  Just keep tryig to make it a safe place for them to share.

[unortel]

About the narky traits. Do we as non-BPDs get tho the point were we disconnect from the situation in the end so it looks as if we are self involved?  

I currently do not own and stay out of her problems or drama. I know that drives her (more ) nuts because I am not partaking in her world.

I am in the third person when talking with her because I can more accurately see were she is attempting to manipulate me.

[Century2012]

I would just stare at him sometimes, thinking he was nuts.

I remember one time, my brother and his family were in town. We played baseball over at the park with my nephews. The next day we went to brunch. He was living with me at the time, so he stayed at a friends house. When he was late in the am, I called him. He said he couldn't make it.

He told me later that he had gotten drunk and slept in the creek in the park nearby. I blew it off. Just figuring he was too hungover or stoned and was making up crazy stories. Then I ran into our local homeless man. He knew I was dating him and verified the story. Because he too slept down by the creep that night.

You know what the homeless guy said? He called my exBPD a loser. You think I would have paid attention to that red flag.

Yep, another dimension. Who would ever do that? Much less admit to doing that.

Knowing about BPD, I suspect he felt like a "loser," as my brother is a successful physician.

[GreenMango]

Do we as non-BPDs get tho the point were we disconnect from the situation in the end so it looks as if we are self involved?

My experience as I started to step away from the daily crap and detach - first came a bunch of over the top attention seeking behavior and then the accusations (they varied from what I was thinking to feeling to who I am and what I was doing - not real in touch with actual events).  A lot of it not very kind and some it being that I was "too busy" "I never notice things"  - things I'd never heard from anyone before. 

Mostly I was just tired.  It's hard to have the stamina for this stuff and I'm pretty introverted in daily life ( finding these things draining).  It came off aloof and unconcerned - when in actuality I was tapped out.  I cared but didn't have anything else to give.  That wasn't acceptable.

But we all have baggage though.  When I get angry or frustrated/exhausted I can be a real narky jerk.  I'm sure that came through.

[DragoN]

Mostly I was just tired.  It's hard to have the stamina for this stuff and I'm pretty introverted in daily life ( finding these things draining).  It came off aloof and unconcerned - when in actuality I was tapped out.  I cared but didn't have anything else to give.  That wasn't acceptable.

But we all have baggage though.  When I get angry or frustrated/exhausted I can be a real narky jerk.  I'm sure that came through.

That^^^^ much so. Exhausted dealing with the PD insta flip the switch new emotion based on who knows what and soothe the beast and get it wrong then blow up ensues.

Him: " You Don't Care!""

Me: " That's right. "

Him: " That's the problem! You don't care, you Never cared!" volume is on high

Me: Mentally : Can't listen to this crap anymore. " I'm still here so you must be right." exit stage left

[eeyore]

My experience as I started to step away from the daily crap and detach - first came a bunch of over the top attention seeking behavior and then the accusations (they varied from what I was thinking to feeling to who I am and what I was doing - not real in touch with actual events).  A lot of it not very kind and some it being that I was "too busy" "I never notice things"  - things I'd never heard from anyone before. 

Mostly I was just tired.  It's hard to have the stamina for this stuff and I'm pretty introverted in daily life ( finding these things draining).  It came off aloof and unconcerned - when in actuality I was tapped out.  I cared but didn't have anything else to give.  That wasn't acceptable.

Yes that's exactly how I have felt totally tapped out.  It's been weeks for me since I left yet I still feel tapped out.  Slowly getting better but feel like I should have made more progress in getting myself back to my comfort zone.

[GreenMango]

Id also say I disconnected for safety.  Emotional safety mostly getting caught up in the whirlwind had got me burned several times and I'd had enough. 

That disconnecting signals a lot to partner.  It never quite made the circle of reason on when you act this way it has x,y,z effect - as in people don't generally want to get closer to someone who doesn't treat them with at the very least decency.  There's seems to be some kind of unspoken assumption that there aren't any boundaries when you get involved in these relationships and no matter what happens its unconditional. 

Which is really unrealistic when you choose a partner.  Everyone has conditions no matter how small and relationships aren't a free for all.

[eeyore]

Green Mango, I remember being at the airport and there's a yellow line at the train that takes you from the terminal to the main airport.  The signs say do not cross the yellow line.  My exBF put his toes just over the yellow line. 

It's all about getting away with as much as they can get away with.  That's why it's a constant test of your boundaries to see if they can eliminate the boundary... .in my case until I couldn't live with myself after having so many boundaries plowed over there was that one that was the ultimate deal breaker.

We all have different needs for a safe disconnect.  I think some people need the big blow up.  As for me I needed to put my safety net in place and leave slowly and comfortably.   In the end I left on my terms with a clear conviction that I was doing what was best for my emotional well being.  I think he thought that since I didn't have the big blow up he didn't take my boundary seriously.  I had already taken care of my home nest so breaking up with me was no longer a threat for me. 

Then came him saying anything that he thought would get some reaction as he wasn't getting any reaction to anything good/bad/indifferent.  This is where the crazy delusional stuff comes in.  The day I was moving out he told me some things that were really far out there.  Particularly that he wanted to move far away and get a fresh start.  I knew that couldn't be at all true.  Now if you ask him about those facts, He doesn't remember ever saying them.  It was just one of his tests to see how I would react.