Learning to live with (and in spite of) co-dependence

[Forward2free]

I don't know if I have ever really accepted that I have any co-dependence. Actually, I think I have been happy to believe what the psychiatrist told me, that I am just a good hearted Christian girl who loved and forgave BPD/Nxh too much.

I am researching co-dependence to see what I can turn up and to see what resonates with me. Turns out the feelings I had about not wanting to fill the gap and be everything to my recent ex-boyfriend is perhaps me pushing away my co-dependency traits?

This spoke to me:

"I often find myself still deep within the shadows of my enabling and codependence. Still fighting to lift the heavy burdens that I created for myself and then locked myself into. I have to remind myself that I can't be everything to everyone all of the time. Still suffering from the exhaustion of it all, breaking all of the ties that bind is certainly more difficult than I would like for it to be. You don't have to be in a romantic relationship with someone for them to hurt you and take advantage of you. Sometimes simply letting someone know that you will always care about them is enough for them to think they have carte blanche when it comes to their treatment of you. Once they see you in this light, they always will."

[Forward2free]

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others Previously, not so much now

A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue Not anymore

A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time Previously, not so much now

A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts Previously, not so much now

An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment Previously, not now

An extreme need for approval and recognition Previously, not so much now

A sense of guilt when asserting themselves Yes

A compelling need to control others Previously, not so much now

Lack of trust in self and/or others Previously, and still now

Fear of being abandoned or alone Previously, not so much now

Difficulty identifying feelings Sometimes

Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change No

Problems with intimacy/boundaries Yes

Chronic anger No

Lying/dishonesty No

Poor communications Yes

Difficulty making decisions Previously, not so much now

Understand the signs of being codependent. Below are some things to ask yourself in order to help you decide whether you are codependent.

Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? Yes

Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? Previously, not so much now

Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? Yes

Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? Yes

Are the opinions of others more important than your own? Previously, not so much now

Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? Previously, not so much now

Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? Previously, not so much now

Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? Yes

Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? Previously, not so much now

Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? Yes

Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? Previously, not so much now

Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? Yes

Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? Previously, not so much now

Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? Yes

Do you have trouble asking for help? Yes

5 Ways to Stop Being Codependent

#1: Therapy: Behavioral psychotherapy, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy (i.e. medications) for accompanying depression and/or anxiety.

#2: Support Groups: There also exist support groups for codependency, such as Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), Al-Anon/Alateen, Nar-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the twelve-step program model of Alcoholics Anonymous.

#3: Spend Time with Yourself: Go to a movie by yourself or go shopping. Maybe take yourself out to eat at your favorite spot. Think of it as taking yourself out on a date.

#4: Read Up on the Subject: Many self-help guides have been written on the subject of codependency.

#5: Maintain Your Boundaries. If others do not come to respect your needs and/or growth, however, the healthiest choice is to find ways to make choices that are independent of their needs. In worst-case scenarios, curtailing contact may be necessary for personal growth.

[laelle]

I see ALOT of (previously, but not now) !   

We are all codependent in ways. Society enables us all for it at birth.

No one is perfect.  It sounds like you are learning to recognize where your strengths are, and working on yourself where you feel you need change.  Need I remind you that you are doing this yourself and are not asking anyone else to do it for you... .totally NOT COD.

Tell the voice of criticism to take 5, you are not being chased by lions in the jungle.  If you are ever in the jungle you will let the voice of criticism know.

Pat yourself on the back...   you are doing fabulous!

[Forward2free]

I see ALOT of (previously, but not now) !   

We are all codependent in ways. Society enables us all for it at birth.

No one is perfect.  It sounds like you are learning to recognize where your strengths are, and working on yourself where you feel you need change.  Need I remind you that you are doing this yourself and are not asking anyone else to do it for you... .totally NOT COD.

Tell the voice of criticism to take 5, you are not being chased by lions in the jungle.  If you are ever in the jungle you will let the voice of criticism know.

Pat yourself on the back...   you are doing fabulous!

Thank you! I would have answered so differently a few years ago and I had forgotten how far I have come. Yay me!