uBPD/NPD Mom + Wedding Planning

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello!

This is my first time writing on the board.   

I am having some issues with my mom regarding wedding planning and I was wondering if any of you had any insight. I don't know if my mother is BPD or NPD, but she has traits of both disorders. My BF of 5 years recently told her that he was proposing soon and she is already attempting to make our experience unpleasant. I do not want my wedding to be yet another event that leaves me in a fit of tears and panic, and I do not want to allow her to make my future engagement and wedding planning hell.

Some background: My mother has been emotionally and verbally abusive my entire life, and she is also physically inappropriate.

She is at her worst when there is a special event that is even the slightest bit about me. Birthdays, Christmases, graduations, school events, etc. have been hell since I was an adolescent. I was routinely grounded for perceived slights and made-up offenses the day before or the day of my birthday. She planned a Sweet 16 birthday dinner for me and all my friends and then made me pay for it when the check came. As an adult, my mother has started arguments with me on my birthday so that I was in tears before going out, and she has called my family and cancelled family birthday dinner plans behind my back. Regarding my boyfriend, whom she tells everyone she loves, she makes sexually inappropriate comments to/about us and tells me that he is going to leave me eventually. My BFs mother died earlier this year and she has made him upset several times by telling him how much his own mother's death affected HER (she met his mom twice). When his mother was sick, my mother berated me for not "spending time with [my] OWN mother." When I called my mother after I had literally watched my BFs mother die, she got angry with me because she assumed that I didn't tell his mom that she was thinking about her enough.

Basically my mom has zero empathy or boundaries and cannot handle any situation not being about her.

So far, she wants: to walk down the aisle in front of me and give me away; to bring a date (her past boyfriends have all made sexually inappropriate comments about my body); to invite my estranged father, whom she hates (abandoned me as a child, is emotionally abusive, sabotages special events, and told me recently he wishes I weren't born and that my mom wanted to abort me); to have her friends walk down the aisle, sit on the first two rows, and wear boutonnieres; to pay for and help pick out my wedding dress (when I go shopping with her, she literally gets angry with me if something doesn't fit right, she constantly critiques my body/clothes, and she will not buy a dress if she doesn't approve). She insists on us getting married in our college town and texted me a really cruel text during my friends' wedding because I said I liked her venue. She also got pre-emptively angry with me for not including enough people of my race in our wedding (we are an interracial couple), although she has no idea who will be in my wedding party and has no concept of the irony of worrying about the racial ratio of an interracial wedding. She doesn't just "suggest" things. She yells or sulks and is very accusatory. If I tell her I do not like an idea she rolls her eyes and just brings it up later. She does not listen when I tell her I do not want to talk about weddings, and she even proposes more and more outrageous things and laughs when I'm clearly uncomfortable.

I'm not giving in to any of this. Her demands clearly show that she wants the wedding to be about her and her friends. I have also decided that I will not take money from her because she has changed her mind several times (and we have never asked her for money). I would just like to know how to stop my engagement and wedding from being yet another experience ruined by my mom. I know she will say what she wants and she will text me non-stop, but should I just completely cut her out of the wedding? Should I give her little tasks to keep her occupied? I can't even trust her with the invitations because she has stolen/hidden mail from me on several occasions :/ Should I use this opportunity to try to mend our relationship? I'm very tired of trying to predict her behavior and of having to tell her no about every little thing. If I don't include her in things, I know she will try to make my life hell. Is there any way to avoid this?

Thanks so much for ready. Any help is really appreciated!

[spring1413]

Hello!

This is my first time writing on the board.   

I am having some issues with my mom regarding wedding planning and I was wondering if any of you had any insight. I don't know if my mother is BPD or NPD, but she has traits of both disorders. My BF of 5 years recently told her that he was proposing soon and she is already attempting to make our experience unpleasant. I do not want my wedding to be yet another event that leaves me in a fit of tears and panic, and I do not want to allow her to make my future engagement and wedding planning hell.

Some background: My mother has been emotionally and verbally abusive my entire life, and she is also physically inappropriate.

She is at her worst when there is a special event that is even the slightest bit about me. Birthdays, Christmases, graduations, school events, etc. have been hell since I was an adolescent. I was routinely grounded for perceived slights and made-up offenses the day before or the day of my birthday. She planned a Sweet 16 birthday dinner for me and all my friends and then made me pay for it when the check came. As an adult, my mother has started arguments with me on my birthday so that I was in tears before going out, and she has called my family and cancelled family birthday dinner plans behind my back. Regarding my boyfriend, whom she tells everyone she loves, she makes sexually inappropriate comments to/about us and tells me that he is going to leave me eventually. My BFs mother died earlier this year and she has made him upset several times by telling him how much his own mother's death affected HER (she met his mom twice). When his mother was sick, my mother berated me for not "spending time with [my] OWN mother." When I called my mother after I had literally watched my BFs mother die, she got angry with me because she assumed that I didn't tell his mom that she was thinking about her enough.

Basically my mom has zero empathy or boundaries and cannot handle any situation not being about her.

So far, she wants: to walk down the aisle in front of me and give me away; to bring a date (her past boyfriends have all made sexually inappropriate comments about my body); to invite my estranged father, whom she hates (abandoned me as a child, is emotionally abusive, sabotages special events, and told me recently he wishes I weren't born and that my mom wanted to abort me); to have her friends walk down the aisle, sit on the first two rows, and wear boutonnieres; to pay for and help pick out my wedding dress (when I go shopping with her, she literally gets angry with me if something doesn't fit right, she constantly critiques my body/clothes, and she will not buy a dress if she doesn't approve). She insists on us getting married in our college town and texted me a really cruel text during my friends' wedding because I said I liked her venue. She also got pre-emptively angry with me for not including enough people of my race in our wedding (we are an interracial couple), although she has no idea who will be in my wedding party and has no concept of the irony of worrying about the racial ratio of an interracial wedding. She doesn't just "suggest" things. She yells or sulks and is very accusatory. If I tell her I do not like an idea she rolls her eyes and just brings it up later. She does not listen when I tell her I do not want to talk about weddings, and she even proposes more and more outrageous things and laughs when I'm clearly uncomfortable.

I'm not giving in to any of this. Her demands clearly show that she wants the wedding to be about her and her friends. I have also decided that I will not take money from her because she has changed her mind several times (and we have never asked her for money). I would just like to know how to stop my engagement and wedding from being yet another experience ruined by my mom. I know she will say what she wants and she will text me non-stop, but should I just completely cut her out of the wedding? Should I give her little tasks to keep her occupied? I can't even trust her with the invitations because she has stolen/hidden mail from me on several occasions :/ Should I use this opportunity to try to mend our relationship? I'm very tired of trying to predict her behavior and of having to tell her no about every little thing. If I don't include her in things, I know she will try to make my life hell. Is there any way to avoid this?

Thanks so much for ready. Any help is really appreciated!

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Spring and 

Wow, I can just hear the stress in your "voice"! Relationships with parents can be difficult to start with, but when you add BPD/NPD and a wedding it rather stacks, doesn't it? Sorry you're dealing with this.

My mom was also some mix of BPD and NPD, and yes, whatever you do is really about her. I realized when I was in high school that she wanted me to be my own person--HER way.

We have some great boards where you can tell your story (even cut and paste from this first message) and ask questions, and learn to deal with the BPD person in your life. Boundaries are really key to taking care of yourself in any situation with a pwBPD (person with BPD) or NPD, as they help safeguard you and your values. This engagement and wedding needs to be about celebrating you and your spouse to be, and here at BPD family you can learn some skills and tools that will help you do the best job you can to make this occasion exactly what you want. (I caved on something I really wanted but my mother wanted differently, and I always regretted it.)

Here's a discussion onWhat is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)? that you might find interesting.

Do you and your mother live in the same area or is there some distance? What things are most important to you about this wedding as regards your mother?

Anyway, welcome to the greatest place to learn and grow, and I look forward to learning more about you.

[nomom4me]

This is very, very familiar.

My mom has lots of the same issues, read this as a cautionary tale;  my mom booked wedding sites (without permission) and started announcing a date to family, the other side of the family would have been unable to attend on that date she chose and I didn't even like the sites.  The wedding she planned would have driven me deep in to debt, she didn't care - she was more interested in showing off to her family.  She seems to think that if she puts the wheels in motion we'll just go along with her plans.  She went as far as buying a dress I had tried on (non-refundable).  I ended up having a small ceremony, very casual and never heard the end of it... .she wailed about the dress for YEARS and blamed the whole ordeal on me.  I saw the sites, I tried the dress on - but I never agreed to any of it.  I was so busy trying to manage her emotions about the event that it took me years to get to my own anger over having my day hijacked by her.

We are programmed to think that weddings are about families, but really - it's about you, your union with your fiance.  Do what makes you happy, invite who you want. In the 1950's a bride was expected to have a big white dress and every relative, now the guideline is to invite people you have had social contact with in the past year -  the rules are different now, destination weddings and smaller ceremonies are more common. It's not unheard of for the groom to do some planning. There is the option of having a private ceremony and a larger reception, if you can't agree with her maybe she can plan (and pay for) a reception that you and your partner just show up to.

I know it's an emotional process, most girls dream about their wedding day.  As children of disordered parents we can have difficulty putting ourselves first.  Try to be objective about who and what you want at your wedding and do what will make you happy. 

[Pam64]

So sorry to read about your problems with your Mum. I too had similar issues on my special day. In the end I ended up doing what my husband and I wanted and kept Mum completely out of the loop because I wanted to have a special day.  I even asked her that it was really important to me that we were all happy on my day.  Unfortunately it didnt work out and Mum ended up having a tantrum and throwing chairs at the wedding.

It is so hard and I am no expert - it really is a decision of whether you have her there or not.  If I could redo my wedding I honestly dont know if I would not invite her because that too would upset my day.  Maybe have some chats with a professional might help.

Wishing you all the best.

Pam

[DreamFlyer99]

Spring, are there any updates about your situation with your wedding? I love what both Pam and Nomom said--the day needs to be about YOU TWO.

[Drained Daughter]

Spring,

My mother is also a big event ruiner (my sisters med school graduation, birthdays, holidays etc).  She even admitted to me once that when there is an big celebration she finds it anxiety provoking and a pressure build in her that drives her to act out.

I can hear from your post that 1) you have zero belief that she can control herself on your wedding day and 2) it will really hurt you in a lasting to have her being all crazy at your wedding.

Honestly, if I were you, I would not invite her to your wedding.  My guess is that you will still have a raging tantrum, but maybe you can get it out of the way beforehand and have a little more tranquility on your wedding day (which you absolutely deserve).

If that is too extreme an option for you to stomach you could try what my sis and I did with my mom at my law school graduation party and my sis's wedding.  For each event we assigned the other sibling, who understood the situation fully and "got it" to police my mother.  We gave my mother an ultimatum advance that if she started and BS, that person would escort her out of the event and to her hotel room or the airport. 

That actually worked for us--no huge public rages (thought it was still annoying to have her around because she was passive aggressive).  However, using that approach might depend having other family members who understand her disorder willing to act as the policeman and on having had enough conversations with her about her behavior that you think you could have a conversation.

Good luck to you and let us know how things go.  BTW Congratulations!

[zone out]

Spring 1413

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding! - as so many of the members above have said, your wedding day is all about you and your partner and should be your special day.  The decision whether or not you invite your mother has to be yours, but I think if she is coming to the wedding, a back-up plan like Drained Daughter suggests would help give you peace of mind -  have a few people primed to remove mum from the proceedings if she starts any trouble.  It might be useful for you and your BF just to sit down and prepare a plan of exactly what you want on YOUR DAY.  You can always factor mum in  for a few helping roles (what about putting together favors) - probably better to sort out the invitations yourself.

My mother (uBPD) (we have very few relatives) wanted me to be given away by a cousin (who I had never seen!).  (Yes we are not a particularly close family either).  Well you can imagine how ridiculous that would have been - I made a stand, and won eventually.

I have experienced this attention seeking/almost jealousy when a close relative of my husband's died and I was accused of neglecting her.  Best to ignore this behavior, it is just an extension of being jealous of time spent with friends.  Makes you realize that the BPD's thought processes are very different... .being jealous of a dead person.

You are embarking on a new exciting phase of your life.  It is a good time to redefine your relationship with your mother.  There are lots of good resources on this site - above all I found it such a relief to know I was not alone in what I was going through.  God bless ... .

[spring1413]

Thank you all so much for your replies! I really appreciate it and I have been thinking about how to apply them to my situation. The ideas about having friends/family helping out to make sure mom doesn't misbehave were especially helpful.

My mother called me a couple of days and laid into me because she did not feel "significant" or "know her place" in regards to us celebrating my BF's completion of his thesis. She is angry that she has to drive down alone and that I get to go help him set up but not her. She is also angry because she thinks I should stay in her hotel room and BF and his dad should stay in one. Another event that she is trying to ruin/be the center of, but I am determined not to let her issues ruin my boyfriend's thesis defense. I told her that him being focused and prepared is my first priority and that her driving down alone was the only option that she has.

She is now very angry with me because I am not inviting extended family to my wedding. I have told her before that I would only invite immediate family (meaning my grandmother, all of her children, and all of their children) and that I'd rather not talk about the guest list because we are not engaged yet. My extended family consists of my grandmother's brother and sister and their children. My grandmother's sister is racist, emotionally terrorized every member of my family including me, and her husband molested my aunt. My grandmother's brother's family is nice but I have not seen or spoken to them in almost a decade. They have never met my boyfriend and we've been together for 5 years.

My mother told me that I was inviting friends over family, and that family would always be there for me, not friends. I never mentioned friends, just that only our close family would be there because I do not want a big wedding and I don't want to invite people that I haven't seen for years before the wedding and will never see after. She kept railing against my friends and saying that I just don't have the same concept of family as her. Rich. Also typical, because she hates that I have friends and always belittles them or gets annoyed if I spend time with them. I told her that my friendships mean a lot to me, and she said "Obviously they do." I finally let her have it. I told her to remember this conversation, because it was the last time that I would be speaking with her about the guest list, and that I would not explain or justify any decision that was made by me or BF about the wedding. I told her that she is always belittling my relationships with my friends and that is it not up to her to decide which relationships are important to me, because they are not her relationships or reflective of her relationships. I said that we are separate people, this is my/BFs wedding, and that she does not have boundaries. She didn't acknowledge anything I said and went on to say that she can have opinions too and she can share them if she wants. I told her to not expect me to converse with her about her opinions. She also offered to pay for extra family, but I told her that she cannot just pay to change things that she doesn't like.

I don't want her to be involved with anything. I want a small, laid back, fun wedding with the family and friends that I love. I want it to be nice but not frilly and ostentatious. She wants it to be this huge preppy show off for her friends and to one up my BFs dad bc she's obsessed with the fact that he is wealthy. The personal shots that she takes when I make a choice that she does not like let me know that she doesn't have my best interests at heart when it comes to my wedding or my life in general. BF and I have always planned to pay for our wedding ourselves, and will definitely make it the day that we want it to be.

Thanks again for all of your advice. It's really hard for me to put my foot down with her but I am really trying to create those healthy boundaries!

[Drained Daughter]

Congratulations for standing up for yourself Spring!  I know that wasn't easy.   

(also congratulations to your BF on his thesis defense, I know that is a very emotional/stressful time)

Setting boundaries takes a lot of time and energy in itself, but it is worth it. And it will get easier.  One thing I've learned is that the BPD will not make it easy for you to set the boundary.  When I started, I thought setting the boundary meant saying what I felt and needed.  That was difficult for me because I spent most of my life sublimating what I wanted to try to meet her needs.

I was surprised when I thought I "set" the boundary by saying it and she pushed back, continued her demands, and failed to acknowledge my needs.  I've since learned that articulating the boundary is the first step. The harder part is enforcing the boundary by actually letting their be a consequence to the BPD for breaking the boundary.  Like you end a conversation, don't invite them to an event, don't make the visit you were planning, etc. 

At first that feels like you are punishing them (and they may say that to you) but actually having there be a consequence is protecting yourself.  That is what the boundary actually means.  Best of luck to you with all of the exciting events in your life right now.  Keep up the good work!

[Sunnys Blues]

She is now very angry with me because I am not inviting extended family to my wedding. I have told her before that I would only invite immediate family (meaning my grandmother, all of her children, and all of their children) and that I'd rather not talk about the guest list because we are not engaged yet. My extended family consists of my grandmother's brother and sister and their children. My grandmother's sister is racist, emotionally terrorized every member of my family including me, and her husband molested my aunt. My grandmother's brother's family is nice but I have not seen or spoken to them in almost a decade. They have never met my boyfriend and we've been together for 5 years.

Thanks again for all of your advice. It's really hard for me to put my foot down with her but I am really trying to create those healthy boundaries!

BRAVO to you, for setting boundaries as to who you will have celebrate your special day!  One thing I've learned from my uBPD mom- no matter what I do, it's going to make her angry!  Unless, that is- I put her on the pedestal, and make "it" all about her. No thanks! 

[DreamFlyer99]

I tried my whole life to please my mother--and then learned that she would not be pleased unless she dang well wanted to be pleased!

So WELL DONE YOU! for calmly asserting your boundaries. It's a process, and some days it goes easier than others so as long as you know that you'll be fine.