The end?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Dear All

Apologies for the lengthy post but its been some time since I posted on here and I feel an update is long overdue, especially as this site has been a life-saver for me over this past year.

My uBPDw and I are currently 3 months separated. The breakup happened after a drunken night out in my home country, when we went to party at a friends house and my W after getting very drunk fell asleep on the couch. I got a taxi back to my parents house by myself (I am not proud of this fact - we were both drunk and I should have known better). She awoke to find me gone and, feeling understandably upset and abandoned, came back to my parents house at 4am, shouting and waking everyone up.

After a shouting match between her and my mum, I (stupidly) agreed to drive my W to the airport. I got about half a mile down the road when she went ape -  attacking me, pulling my hair and punching me in the face. I stopped the car, got out and left her at the side of the road with her luggage. I went back to parents place with a bruised face (she had been wearing a large ring). She checked into a local hotel for the next few days - emailing her friends and telling them how I had abandoned her. Her violence was met with chorus's of approval and how I had deserved it. Several more meltdowns later she ended up at the local Samaritans centre. I reluctantly met up with her (though always with a friend as a witness). I somehow managed to convince her that we would patch things up, and I got her on her return flight to her home country. We agreed to work on things from a distance - both individually and as a couple - though I knew that this could well be the final time we would see each other.

During our separation, we kept in touch via email/Skype but things reverted to the same old arguing/blaming routine. We haven't spoken in a week now, and I feel like this is the end. Three months separated doesn't feel like a long time in my mind, but she has already met someone else and has asked if she is free to sleep with other people. At the same time she is not ruling out the possibility that we may get back together. I am pretty much resigned to the fact that this marriage is now over, though I have yet to file for divorce. Due to legal requirements in her home country, she cannot file for divorce for one year, so she is leaving me to file.  We have little in the way of shared assets and thankfully no kids. She has said on more than one occasion that she would not contest it if I filed. I just have to take that final step. And yet, despite all that has happened between us, I am still reluctant. I am going through the grieving process, while trying to figure out how I got myself into such an unhealthy, dysfunctional on/off relationship of 10+ years.

I have been in therapy now for the last 12 weeks and I am struggling with self doubt, self-loathing and a lack self esteem/confidence, shame, guilt etc. I know I was not the healthiest person for her. In her mind of course this justifies her feelings that my issues caused our marriage to fail. To my knowledge she has not sought any help and her family have not been at all supportive. I feel guilty for leaving her to fend for herself when she was in so much pain, but at the same time I have to look after myself. Things may have been different if she had sought help for her anger, but without her commitment to that process I felt that 100% of the changes required would have to come from me. At no point in this marriage have things ever felt equal - I ended up being her emotional caretaker and thats not what I signed up for. But despite all this, I am struggling to end this marriage - the FOG has yet to lift and I still care for this woman deeply.

[Sammamish]

Dear All

Apologies for the lengthy post but its been some time since I posted on here and I feel an update is long overdue, especially as this site has been a life-saver for me over this past year.

My uBPDw and I are currently 3 months separated. The breakup happened after a drunken night out in my home country, when we went to party at a friends house and my W after getting very drunk fell asleep on the couch. I got a taxi back to my parents house by myself (I am not proud of this fact - we were both drunk and I should have known better). She awoke to find me gone and, feeling understandably upset and abandoned, came back to my parents house at 4am, shouting and waking everyone up.

After a shouting match between her and my mum, I (stupidly) agreed to drive my W to the airport. I got about half a mile down the road when she went ape -  attacking me, pulling my hair and punching me in the face. I stopped the car, got out and left her at the side of the road with her luggage. I went back to parents place with a bruised face (she had been wearing a large ring). She checked into a local hotel for the next few days - emailing her friends and telling them how I had abandoned her. Her violence was met with chorus's of approval and how I had deserved it. Several more meltdowns later she ended up at the local Samaritans centre. I reluctantly met up with her (though always with a friend as a witness). I somehow managed to convince her that we would patch things up, and I got her on her return flight to her home country. We agreed to work on things from a distance - both individually and as a couple - though I knew that this could well be the final time we would see each other.

During our separation, we kept in touch via email/Skype but things reverted to the same old arguing/blaming routine. We haven't spoken in a week now, and I feel like this is the end. Three months separated doesn't feel like a long time in my mind, but she has already met someone else and has asked if she is free to sleep with other people. At the same time she is not ruling out the possibility that we may get back together. I am pretty much resigned to the fact that this marriage is now over, though I have yet to file for divorce. Due to legal requirements in her home country, she cannot file for divorce for one year, so she is leaving me to file.  We have little in the way of shared assets and thankfully no kids. She has said on more than one occasion that she would not contest it if I filed. I just have to take that final step. And yet, despite all that has happened between us, I am still reluctant. I am going through the grieving process, while trying to figure out how I got myself into such an unhealthy, dysfunctional on/off relationship of 10+ years.

I have been in therapy now for the last 12 weeks and I am struggling with self doubt, self-loathing and a lack self esteem/confidence, shame, guilt etc. I know I was not the healthiest person for her. In her mind of course this justifies her feelings that my issues caused our marriage to fail. To my knowledge she has not sought any help and her family have not been at all supportive. I feel guilty for leaving her to fend for herself when she was in so much pain, but at the same time I have to look after myself. Things may have been different if she had sought help for her anger, but without her commitment to that process I felt that 100% of the changes required would have to come from me. At no point in this marriage have things ever felt equal - I ended up being her emotional caretaker and thats not what I signed up for. But despite all this, I am struggling to end this marriage - the FOG has yet to lift and I still care for this woman deeply.

[GreenMango]

It's a pretty common thought to think "hey I should have done more, we could try this therapy, or how do leave someone so clearly incapable of handling much of anything".

One of the crazy things is once the abuse starts its not really a couples issue.  It's a personal control issue.  Most counseling for couples doesn't recommend doing couples counseling first if there's extremes like this.  Maybe later if each person gets a handle on their personal issues first - but you've said she's blaming and not taking responsibility.

The 100% - no person can do this because they are only 50% of a two part solution - that's it.  And the physical abuse isn't okay - don't buy into her rationalizations that it is.  Here's one to think about - if you beat the crap out of her in the car how would she react?  I'm pretty sure you telling her she made you do it and she deserved it would go over like a lead balloon.

All that being said 10 years is long time.  You love(d) her and the dysfunction isn't going to change that.  It's a loss and letting yourself grieve is a good idea.

Can you lean on your loved ones right now?  Soft place to land?

[hopealways]

Very true.  Reverse the genders for a second - if the man had punched the woman in the face while wearing a ring, leaving her bruised, then asked if he could sleep with other women, 10 out of 10 people would say he is a loser, a jerk, and to run and not look back.  It shouldn't be any different if the woman did the same to the man. 

Yes 10 years is a long time but you have to start healing at some point.  The longer you wait to start the more you are missing out on a beautiful life. I KNOW right now everything seems dark for you and you cannot imagine a life without her but TRUST ME we were all there and it does get way better, but not until you establish no contact and run as far as you can.

[DragoN]

Very true.  Reverse the genders for a second - if the man had punched the woman in the face while wearing a ring, leaving her bruised, then asked if he could sleep with other women, 10 out of 10 people would say he is a loser, a jerk, and to run and not look back.  It shouldn't be any different if the woman did the same to the man. 

Yes 10 years is a long time but you have to start healing at some point.  The longer you wait to start the more you are missing out on a beautiful life. I KNOW right now everything seems dark for you and you cannot imagine a life without her but TRUST ME we were all there and it does get way better, but not until you establish no contact and run as far as you can.

Agreed^^^

Sammamish

10 years here too, agree with Mango. And were the roles reversed you would be in jail. Her actions are intolerable. The drinking? Along with BPD, is hell.

I have been in therapy now for the last 12 weeks and I am struggling with self doubt, self-loathing and a lack self esteem/confidence, shame, guilt etc. I know I was not the healthiest person for her. In her mind of course this justifies her feelings that my issues caused our marriage to fail. To my knowledge she has not sought any help and her family have not been at all supportive. I feel guilty for leaving her to fend for herself when she was in so much pain, but at the same time I have to look after myself. Things may have been different if she had sought help for her anger, but without her commitment to that process I felt that 100% of the changes required would have to come from me. At no point in this marriage have things ever felt equal - I ended up being her emotional caretaker and thats not what I signed up for. But despite all this, I am struggling to end this marriage - the FOG has yet to lift and I still care for this woman deeply.

How long has it been since you came out of the FOG? Detachment is a process. Not a one minute deal.

[Sammamish]

Thanks for your replies.

Green Mango - I'm lucky to have supportive family and friends. During the past year I had become isolated, living far away with my W in another country - an ideal environment for any pwBPD to unleash their crazy-making behaviour without anyone around to provide support or question why I was putting up with it.

Hope - Many people have said the same thing. One thing I noticed is that married people are more reluctant to talk about their relationship problems. It seems a lot of couples get into physical arguments - Many people put up with violent behaviour without even questioning whether it falls into the "abuse" category.

Sabratha - I'm still in the fog, but therapy is helping. For now I am taking one day at a time, and focusing on my own well-being. The biggest challenge will be trying to maintain NC.