Recordings?

[Lady31]

I'm curious how many of you recorded conversations or took videos of stuff.

I started an anonymous blog as I saw that another poster did that a while back and I thought it would really help hammer home the reality of the situation I went through.  I'm in the process of working on that so I started going through his letters, pics I took of crazy stuff (like the noose he had hanging & dark crazy ramblings he wrote on the wall in sharpie, etc.), as well as videos & recordings of him going off in rages.

I felt like I had a pretty good grip on seeing him for who he is and coming out of the FOG.  However, when I started looking at all that stuff it really hit harder than I thought.  Not like I got upset, but more like - geez Lady, he's even worse than what I had come to terms with this far.  Like scary - not sure what he is REALLY capable of.

Anyone else get a chilling deeper revelation of them when reviewing the concrete evidence saved as opposed to going from memory alone?  I think our minds definitely "soften" it some.  There was just something different from remembering what he did and SEEING what he did.

Yikes.

[UmbrellaBoy]

Oh yeah. Going back through all the old messages and emails now that the fog has settled a bit it's like "oh, of course this is nuts, normal people don't talk this way or think this way or make decisions like this or go back and forth like this." But at the time I swallowed the koolaid and "bought" the inner logic of it, thinking he was just an unusually sensitive, fragile, and angsty guy.

[Theo41]

I have been keeping notes for years. The objective is to document and remember. Curiously, I almost always forget immediately what the upset was all about. Not sure if this is because my mind wants to forget or because it's usually something ridiculous. (my memory is usually pretty good on regular matters.) last month I stumbled across some of my notes from 2009. Shocking thing: I could have written the same thing in 2013! Nothing has changed in her behavior! What has changed is me ,and how I respond, thanks to counseling, this site, BPD Readings and Alanon. I now know she has an illness. I can set boundaries. I have options on how to react including leaving the room/house for a while, and I try to never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut. Its harder to sustain a dysfunctional argument or discussion when there' s only one person talking. So I'm less affected by her behavior and able to enjoy life w/o obsessing about what she did, what she's going to do and what I want to say to her but dont. These are all time wasters. I now focus on enjoying every day in my own way.

[goldylamont]

funny b/c i don't have any recordings of my ex, but i caught her recording *me* during arguments, . when i caught her she played some back and i was worried at first but then i didn't think i said anything too crazy (whew!). so in regard to being sly and underhanded she was always a step ahead.

i kind of wish i could see some of her behaviors again though just to see how far i've come? you know after we broke up was when i started hearing some crazy stories that i thought she would never do previously. she got into a fistfight with her roommate over something trivial (never even close to fighting anyone when we were together) and then later on when feuding over food/kitchen with her roommate my ex took a big knife and stabbed it into a box of cereal and left it on the counter as a threat to her roommate (and threw all her food on the floor). she was straight cray with me, sure, but this was new territory for me. also, and this was just a gut feeling, but i was over at her place and she was complaining about being tired of her roommate's kitten, she grabbed it and tossed it into her roommate's room then slammed the door really hard and said something like "i HATE that effing CAT!" i can totally understand being at your wits end with a roommate, but i'd never seen my ex act like that towards an animal itself, she was a big animal lover. i don't think she would have harmed the animal (right?) but still just her tone and intensity i hadn't seen that side of her (or perhaps i hadn't seen it when it wasn't directed at me  )

[DragoN]

Anyone else get a chilling deeper revelation of them when reviewing the concrete evidence saved as opposed to going from memory alone?  I think our minds definitely "soften" it some.

Yes, and if I were believing that Love could cure like a stupid fool still and do whatever it was to lessen his insecurities, I'd be writing the same emails. They are the same all the way back 10 years. No change really. I changed. Now I don't even bother to communicate. The Walls of Denial are too perfect and no point.  He can keep his denial and I am walking. This time though, he'd be half right about one accusation.

[fromheeltoheal]

I did an extra thorough job of purging when I left her, so I don't have anything concrete; the thought of it is a lttle scary. As I've detached my memories of what went down get more and more bizarre, usually ending in "what the hell was I thinking?" Well, I wasn't thinking, I was feeling, caught up in feeling, treading water, trying not to drown.  My first thought is that a video would be confirmation of the shocking, like the time she went into an unbridled rage because I ate too many Doritos; at least these things make me laugh now.

[charred]

I kept a few voice mails, and a lot of my exBPDgf's emails. Not sure what the point of doing it is though. When faced with proof of what they said, you get denial or a manufactured blowup with them telling you its all your fault (no matter what it is.) The emails a year later are depressing, as I feel like a chump for having stayed/put up with her abuse. The only thing good is that when I was pretty far past the r/s, I could refer to them to remind myself of just how bad the devaluing, gas lighting and painting black was.

Seems like the main person that needs convincing of how bad the pwBPD's behavior really is... .is us. We live in denial that the person we are hooked on, is beastly toward us. But even proof in writing, video, voice recordings... .doesn't sway us enough to leave them cold typically. I kept thinking it was me, or that she would change, or that we could work out our little differences... .but they were not little, it wasn't me and and she did change... for the worse.

Suspect people with a pwBPD and kids might want to record the craziness for a divorce or proof for the world to see the partner is wildly dsyregulated... but states have laws on when you can record and whats admissible... so it might not even be allowed or cause you to be in trouble with law... .and certainly it is poking the bear. Don't think there is a chance in the world that confronting your pwBPD with proof of anything will help you long term, as it certainly would solidify you as the evil bad person to them.

Anyway, the r/s became absurdly abusive... .she maintained a yelling at me and going on and on fight for 7 hrs straight... and I finally accepted that she was mentally ill. My rationalizing staying gave way to getting out and getting on with life. The voice mails and emails were hurtful to look back on, then became irrelevant.  Thought her folks should know all she said/did... but realized they know her better than I do... .and haven't been able to do anything about it.

Only place to really improve things is with yourself, you can get help, find out what hole in you the pwBPD filled and address fixing it so you can do better with the next r/s.

[Ironmanrises]

I have always wondered... .

Had i been able to record... .

The horrifying... .

Dysregulation... .

That i experienced... .

In person... .

On the day of my birthday... .

In her house.

(I mentioned it in an old thread)... .

Then again... .

It would serve no purpose.

The memory of which... .

Has been... .

Brutally burned... .

Into my brain.

It plays on auto... .

Sometimes... .

By itself.

And i have to withhold... .

Myself... .

From wanting to scream.

A concrete recording... .

Would almost be... .

Surreal in retrospect.

[anystar]

thank you for this post! it's so good to know others are coping the way I am coping. I was with my uBPDx for five and a half years and I recorded so much of his dysfunctional, abusive behavior. at first I started with writing down all the curses/names he called me. then I started journaling entire episodes of fights. then I did a couple of recordings of some of our last conversations as  a "couple."

I felt like I had a pretty good grip on seeing him for who he is and coming out of the FOG.  However, when I started looking at all that stuff it really hit harder than I thought.  Not like I got upset, but more like - geez Lady, he's even worse than what I had come to terms with this far.  Like scary - not sure what he is REALLY capable of.

I have the same exact experience! I'm two months out of the relationship and whenever another crazy memory emerges, I write it down. I'm finding that there were so many alarming red flags... .before I left, I thought he was "only" emotionally abusive, now two months later I see he was also physically and sexually abusive in small, pervasive ways. he made a habit of pinching me or pulling my hair just to annoy me, even when I insisted that it hurt. and although he never picked up a weapon or hurt me in anger, a few times he "playfully" cornered me in the kitchen with a knife! it's so crazy how a sick person can convince you their "jokes" are harmless and YOU'RE the one being a bad sport/oversensitive/whatever.

I just keep repeating it to myself to reinforce the memory and to keep me from feeling protective of him/codependent: he cornered me with a knife. he said he was "joking around," but he had me pressed between a wall and his body with a knife in his hands.

[toomanytears]

I have been keeping notes for years. The objective is to document and remember. Curiously, I almost always forget immediately what the upset was all about. Not sure if this is because my mind wants to forget or because it's usually something ridiculous. (my memory is usually pretty good on regular matters.) last month I stumbled across some of my notes from 2009. Shocking thing: I could have written the same thing in 2013! Nothing has changed in her behavior! What has changed is me ,and how I respond, thanks to counseling, this site, BPD Readings and Alanon.

I'm finding this string very helpful. I stupidly got into a sweet seductive text exchange yesterday and I now ache for my BPDh who left in August and who I last saw a month ago. I'm not good at remembering the bad times - I guess it's been my way of coping with the stress and anger flung in my direction over the last 30 years.

I've been making a list of red flag moments and am reading and adding to that when I feel the longing wash over me. At the weekend my best friend reminded me of the time 20 years ago when my BPDh accused me of infidelity while we were staying at her house. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and his rage and anger were quite an eye-opener to her. I had completely forgotten this - she remembered it clearly... .now I've added it to my red flag list.

[numbr3]

I brought a tape recorder to our last counceling session.  I listened to it many times. How I confronted him on his lies and how he tried(badly) to get out of them.  He had all the verbage of a pathological liar.  At one point the therapist left the room so we could talk privately.  His tone changed when he was alone with me.  We even continued out in the parking lot.  Then he really let loose.

I am glad I had the recording, if I felt lonely for him or thought he might change I went back over that.

It did help me detach and see how messed up he was.  Lies, lies and more lies and lies to cover the lies.

[eeyore]

I'm curious how many of you recorded conversations or took videos of stuff.

I did because so many times events would happen and later his recollection was totally different.  The tapes helped me to see that my recollection was factual.  And I was not going crazy. 

For example he thought someone slashed his tires.  I thought there was something wrong with his tires.  Turns out they were dry rot.  To this day he claims I'm over exaggerating the story.  I kid you not he was up in arms that someone was being malicious.  And now the story has even morphed some more.  He thought it was someone doing it because of me.  Now he says it was his ex's bf.