Worst Christmas ever. Heartbroken.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This Christmas was the worst ever.


  My husband and I host every holiday, every birthday, Superbowl party, etc. for my family, my uBPD mother, enabling father, my sister and her family.  A lot of these occasions are "sleepovers" because everyone likes to have some wine but will not drive afterward.  After a particularly rough year of being the black sheep with my parents I was very nervous with Christmas coming but cancelled New Year's with the excuse of my college aged daughter having plans out of town with her friends.(which happens to be true)  The early part of the evening went okay, with me overlooking a couple of my mother's digs and constant coddling of my golden sister.  At one point, I mildly said " You know mom, you have two daughters."  She looked at me coldly and said "I know."  After a few seconds of glaring at each other.  I stated "Well, okay mom, we have almost 24 hours together, let's make the most of it."  She instantly snapped and ran to my father who did not care what transpired but was yelling at me.  They went to sit (pout) on the couch while I proceeded to put out all the desserts that I baked and bought, in hopes of salvaging the night for everyone.  I then went to sit down near them in hopes of discussing it but their attitude and body language showed that it wasn't happening.  I got up to go back into the kitchen to finish with the desserts when in the corner of my eye see my mother giving me the finger.  I stopped and looked at her saying "Wow, nice.  Merry Christmas to you too."  They both jumped up SCREAMING "that is it, we are leaving.  We never want to see or hear from you again.  You are sick and need help"  My mother pulled out her favorite card and proceeded to tell the whole house (including four grandchildren ages 11-20) how she got pregnant with me accidently at 18, which is usually followed by how "she could have aborted me but didn't and I don't appreciate it enough".  I screamed... "yeah, I know, I have heard it a hundred times".  My daughter stepped in to speak to them.  They would not hear her so she yelled, "No matter what your feelings are, this is my mother's house and you will show her some respect or you can leave now."  They slammed of of the house, ripping Christmas decorations off of the front of the house with all the door slamming.  The neighbors heard everything as they continued screaming out in the driveway.  My sister came back in, and along with her husband SCREAMED at me that I ruined Christmas.  They said that they get why I feel the way I do but that I could have picked another day to address it.  I agree.  My father wont speak to his first grandchild.  There has been no contact for 6 days.

The next day my sister spoke with me long enough to tell me not to call my parents.  They have reiterated that they are ":)one with me."

I am heartbroken.  I feel hopeless.  I have told my husband that I feel like I was never meant to be in this world.

(Sorry this was so long)

[sickandtired2]

This Christmas was the worst ever.


  My husband and I host every holiday, every birthday, Superbowl party, etc. for my family, my uBPD mother, enabling father, my sister and her family.  A lot of these occasions are "sleepovers" because everyone likes to have some wine but will not drive afterward.  After a particularly rough year of being the black sheep with my parents I was very nervous with Christmas coming but cancelled New Year's with the excuse of my college aged daughter having plans out of town with her friends.(which happens to be true)  The early part of the evening went okay, with me overlooking a couple of my mother's digs and constant coddling of my golden sister.  At one point, I mildly said " You know mom, you have two daughters."  She looked at me coldly and said "I know."  After a few seconds of glaring at each other.  I stated "Well, okay mom, we have almost 24 hours together, let's make the most of it."  She instantly snapped and ran to my father who did not care what transpired but was yelling at me.  They went to sit (pout) on the couch while I proceeded to put out all the desserts that I baked and bought, in hopes of salvaging the night for everyone.  I then went to sit down near them in hopes of discussing it but their attitude and body language showed that it wasn't happening.  I got up to go back into the kitchen to finish with the desserts when in the corner of my eye see my mother giving me the finger.  I stopped and looked at her saying "Wow, nice.  Merry Christmas to you too."  They both jumped up SCREAMING "that is it, we are leaving.  We never want to see or hear from you again.  You are sick and need help"  My mother pulled out her favorite card and proceeded to tell the whole house (including four grandchildren ages 11-20) how she got pregnant with me accidently at 18, which is usually followed by how "she could have aborted me but didn't and I don't appreciate it enough".  I screamed... "yeah, I know, I have heard it a hundred times".  My daughter stepped in to speak to them.  They would not hear her so she yelled, "No matter what your feelings are, this is my mother's house and you will show her some respect or you can leave now."  They slammed of of the house, ripping Christmas decorations off of the front of the house with all the door slamming.  The neighbors heard everything as they continued screaming out in the driveway.  My sister came back in, and along with her husband SCREAMED at me that I ruined Christmas.  They said that they get why I feel the way I do but that I could have picked another day to address it.  I agree.  My father wont speak to his first grandchild.  There has been no contact for 6 days.

The next day my sister spoke with me long enough to tell me not to call my parents.  They have reiterated that they are ":)one with me."

I am heartbroken.  I feel hopeless.  I have told my husband that I feel like I was never meant to be in this world.

(Sorry this was so long)

[Sitara]

I'm sorry to hear you had a rough Christmas.  It sounds all too familiar to me.  I've been screamed at during family events and told I "ruined" them.  Been told I'm the one who needs help.  However, that was what led me to seeking help and working on healing/improving myself. 

You deserve to be loved and respected.  There are a lot of tools here that can help you understand and figure out what you need to do to help yourself heal.  Post as much as you need to, we're here to listen and help as we can.

What do you want out of your relationship with your family?

[sickandtired2]

Thank you Sitara,

What do you want out of your relationship with your family?

Good question.  As much as the no contact feels wrong (almost like "boy am I in trouble" and sad, I know deep in my heart that it may be the best for everyone involved.  Just got to get used to it.  One day at a time, I guess.

Thank you for your kind words. 

[BlueCat]

 

My mother also got "knocked up" with me and "had to get married" and she would have aborted me if she'd known about abortion (or so she told me many times in my childhood). Wonderful thing for a parent to tell a child of any age, huh?

I'm sorry your Christmas went so badly  :'(

My advice is to allow time for everything to cool off. You don't have to think of it as NC or forever (you may decide that way but hey, you may not!), just take some time healing. Therapy is a good thing, honestly. But if that can't happen, then read a lot. Especially here.

And be kind to yourself   You deserve a lot better than what your parents gave you for Christmas.

[SeekingHealing]

I am so so sorry.  Please do not believe the awful things your parents say about you.  It must be so hard to hear them go on and on about your sister.  I would feel hurt too and it would be hard to ignore.  It might be a good thing to keep your distance for a while, for your own emotional health.

[inshock]

That sounds awful.  At this point, I think you need to focus on providing a healthy atmosphere for your kids.  Your mother really said some uncool things in front of her grandchildren.  Next Christmas, maybe you can have a short evening without everyone spending the night. Also, I think you might want to start practicing minimal contact. I would disregard her threats about being "done" with you... .sounds like a temper tantrum to me.

When you said "You know, mom you have 2 daughters", you were hurt and angry inside even though you were trying to be gentle about it. You need to know that your mother will never admit her favoritism and unfairness.  She will always blame you for being born (the ultimate weapon)... .that is why the conversation turned towards never wanting you.  Give up... .you will never change her. Find someway to relate to her once in a while that doesn't make you crazy. You are beating your head against a cement wall which hurts more.

Think of a new Christmas tradition for next year... .and practice disengaging emotionally during 2014.

 

[Moonbeam77]

I am so sorry that your Christmas went this away.  I also am a product of teenage parents and sometimes I thing they should have done everyone a favor and put me up for adoption!  I can also relate to being the family that does a lot of the hosting.  My father is uNPD and his fiancée is uBPD.  My father tends to go on a rampage around Christmas time raging at his kids then raging because they don't want him to be at the Christmas party.  This Christmas I intentionally didn't host.  It sounds like your children and husband are support of you.  Perhaps it is time to focus the attention on them at the holidays.  On Christmas eve my brother's family did still come over even if it wasn't really a party.  My 6 years had actually asked on Christmas eve if it could just be our own family so Mom and Dad wouldn't be so busy in the kitchen.   

[sickandtired2]

Thank you all for your kind words.  Sometimes I feel like I am the crazy one.   There has still been no contact and I am sort of okay with that.  What does hurt though, is that my sister is avoiding me also.  This hurts because she knows that all I said is true but it inconvenienced her and her holiday plans.

I have an appointment to go back to my therapist today, that I took a break from 18 months ago because I thought I was strong enough to go it alone.

Thanks again for listening.  I helps a lot.

[Botswana Agate]

Oh, sweet girl.  I wish I could just reach through the screen and hug you.  Trust me, I am doing so virtually.   

It doesn't sound like you're at the point where you are done with them yet, are you?  I'd almost say your parents and your sister gave YOU the gift of leaving you--they did the leaving and cutting off!  But, it doesn't sound like you're at that point where you can say, "hey, they got out of my life?  Good riddance!"  The leaving might take a while, but it sounds like it must happen, for your own sanity and normalcy, and that of your children.  Even your own daughter can see it, by the way she stood up for you. 

And when you get to that leaving point, you'll wonder why it didn't happen sooner.  ((HUGS)) Here for you on the journey. 

[seahorse]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I understand your sorrow.This too was my worst Christmas ever and l too had my Dd24BPD stand up for me and my other daughter to my NPD mother and uBPD sister. I was used as a scapegoat. But l've reached an emotional saturation point ,now. I need to model to my daughters self-respect and self- love by showing that l won't be emotionally mistreated with blame and false accusations. The consequence  of this boundary is NC with my sister and NC with my mother which l will have to shift to LC because l feel obliged as she is widowed and l am the closest living relative. In a strange way, our christmas and new year with just us four, was the calmest and most stress free we have ever had! But l did remain a bundle of nerves because l feared their wrath and wanted to hide us away! Not what someone my age should feel!

[bpdfamfan]

... . I need to model to my daughters self-respect and self- love by showing that l won't be emotionally mistreated with blame and false accusations... .

You are meant to be here, for you & your family (husband, kids, friends) 

I too am sorry to read this happened, but I do hope you enjoy your time off from them (I'm serious   )

[sickandtired2]

Thank you for the hugs Botswana!  I flip between being ready for no contact and feeling very alone.  Each day that goes by, though, feels a little easier.  I am almost counting in my head, eight days of no aggravation.  Today is my mother's birthday and to her that should be a national holiday(and I don't mean because it is New Year's Day}.  To not call and wish her a Happy Birthday is a huge statement.  You just don't do that to her and get away without a major guilt trip.  You are very right about "them leaving me".  That is what happened but somehow it gets twisted and I feel guilty.

Seahorse, I am sorry that you had this happen to you.  You are so right about setting a healthy model for your daughters.  It is sad that our daughters have to defend us to our own mothers and sisters.  That is not what family should be and not something they should have to do especially at the ages they are(or ever).  I know what you mean about being a bundle of nerves.  That is sometimes half the battle of no contact.  My husband and I and our children went to a local restaurant for lunch and I feared, with my luck, my parents would decide to go to the same place.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of the front door and in my head planned an escape route.  You would think I was hiding from the enemy not my flesh and blood.  Stay strong for yourself and your daughters!

[nevermore]

Sick and Tired, I'm so sorry they treated you so badly.  I am into the 7th day of no contact. It is getting easier. Just try your best to keep telling yourself that the problem is in their behavior and has nothing to do with you really.  It does make us tend to feel like we are the ones doing something wrong... . but that is just part of the head games.

[lucyhoneychurch]

hi... . if I may add to these other lovely sentiments... . someone saying things that leave you feeling like you don't belong anywhere or in this world - that's not just rough, that is devastating. I am one week shy of 51 and my mother did this to me my entire life - childhood, teens, adult, as a parent in my own right - every single time I got around her. She had favorites, too, just like yours - my father always took her side just like yours - your description of the "magical thinking" of having everything pretty and tempting and yummy and hoping it would create the right spirit - oh how many times I did that too. 

Things for you to remember as you re-establish your footing - they always implode/explode at holidays. They always split the progeny - kids can't stand together and shed the abuse when someone's the favorite vs the black sheep.

They always whip the accusations around to where they are the victims, not the outright abusers.

Your sister's abandonment (it feels like that I am sure) is only too close to my heart right now. I wrote this big long intro that will be too close to yours too.

Nothing will ever change how they function. Because they are the hotbed of dysfunction. They do not mean to be. I have learned that in the last few years - everyone would love to be good, kind, normal.  We are surviving the best way we know how and a uBPD and enmeshed family is hitting it all wrong - because they sort of walk on the bodies of the fallen - someone has to be knocked flat for them to get through their day. Most of us just need a good cup of coffee or glass of wine, that will do, but they need practical emotional bloodshed.

They hijack what should be decent family times like holidays.

They emotionally blackmail us with details like how we should be grateful for the breath in our bodies.

The list goes on. You know how tough you are just being on this board looking for answers and wanting to find a way to be better and feel better? we are as sick as they are because we are so caught up in a battle zone mentality when all we want is to breathe deeply and safely... . sick in the sense... . we are so upside down and tired and worn and weary.

I would say their insanity was the deal breaker. No more holidays at your house. Make it about your family. And wow, hug that amazing daughter, she rocks! voicing that to her crazy-making grandparents - but let her see  you standing up for yourself by *removing* yourself from the brawl. They can go make their crazy someplace else. Save your pretty desserts for people who care. 

Sorry so long got carried away. Feel really bad for you. You are stronger than you will ever know. I can testify to that.

[sickandtired2]

Hi Nevermore... . I do keep reminding myself of what the problem is.  That does work.  My husband even wants me to write it down so that I can refer to it when I start to second guess myself.  Maybe that would work for you, also.  I am at 10 days no contact now and today I woke up thinking I will be okay.

lucy... . wow, do you get it!  You hit every nail on the head.  I am sorry that you get it because that means that you have lived a similar life.  I am not much younger than you and I am ashamed of how "scared" and "controlled" I am by them and the games, at my age.  Thank you for you kind words.  I hope you are in a good place right now.

[lucyhoneychurch]

If you think about it, "scared" and "controlled" is only natural. It's where they need us... . in a perfect world, they wouldn't want us there, would never give us cause to bounce off their behaviors like we do. But since it's never a perfect world, we have to figure out a game plan that drives out the fear and where we have control.

I am in a good place today just because it's today and every new day bears hope in its light.

Solidarity does a body good too and I appreciate the voices on this board.

[Katou]

"They hijack what should be decent family times like holidays."

After nearly 20 years of similar upsetting crazy holiday times, I ME I called it quits... . it was soo hard since that's not what my family was like (I'm talking about my mother in law) I for sure always thought I was the nutty one, but after counseling, came to realize I was perfectly 'normal' (if that exists) and the therapist was amazed that I stuck out her crazy behaviours for so long!  after about 8 years of Christmas' with friends (MIL and her golden son went to their preferred side of the family) we finally began going down south with our two children who by then were in their early 20's.  DH would go for Xmas lunch with kids before we went away and I would not attend.  Her only lament over the 15 or so years was... . but how do I explain this to my friends? they don't think it's normal!  no it wasn't but it was my only defense and that of my dh... . he was also stressed beyond belief!  On a glass is half full note I learned so much from those experiences, about the BPD and about myself.  I was 20 when I met her and completely unaware that such disorders existed.  My heart goes out to you, I got counseling as my self esteem was at an all time low... worked and worked at understanding my own reactions etc... . I am now dealing with a sister and potential daughter in law with symptoms... . just cause you eliminate one problem, doesn't mean there aren't others around the corner!  EDUCATION... . and support like on this message board!   hope this helps you realize you're not along and it's not ONLY you... . it IS you, but never feel like the victim or you'll become one!  fight back with knowledge!

[blake1974]

So sorry that happened to you. What is it about the holidays? I had a similar thing happen where my mom attacked me in front of my 3 year old and it was the worst day of my life. Of course my father was in another room when it happened, as always, and she ran to him saying how I picked a fight with her. They were staying at my house and left the next morning without saying goodbye. The only contact has been terrible emails from both of them accusing me of not appreciating them for a laundry list of things they have done for me since I was a child. The most heartbreaking thing is that my daughter is now scared of her grandmother and who knows when/if my daughter will see her grandfather again who she LOVES, since my mother controls his every thought and move. Ughhhh!

[sickandtired2]

Hi Katou.  I'm sorry you have had to deal with this for so long.  The good thing is that therapy does help you see who has the problem.  They really have a way of making it seem like you have the problem.  You are so right about educating yourself.  It helps to hear from people who know what you are experiencing.

Blake... . wow, how sad to have a three year old involved.  My Christmas experience  went the same way, dad no where around, her running to him to tell him I picked the fight and him jumping to her defense.  My parents seemed to have stopped communicating with my daughter.  I guess the same rules apply to their beloved first grandchild... . if she doesn't agree with them... . she is no good.  That is where I have to draw the line.  I have let myself be manipulated but I will not allow them to play the game with my children.  Your daughter should not have witnessed that and shame on your mother!

[Deb]

I guess the same rules apply to their beloved first grandchild... . if she doesn't agree with them... . she is no good.

Have you read the book called "Controlling People"? It really helped me undestand the above. Basically, the controllers don't see others as real, but only as what they want you to be. And when you express a different opinion/belief etc, they get very upset and lose it. I found the book very helpful with it's insights.

[sickandtired2]

Hi Deb.  No, I have not read the book but I will look for it today!  It is impossible to understand how they think, so anything will help.  Thanks.

[Shadowcat]

I am so sorry your Christmas was that bad. I've had them before, although it was almost 2 years ago at my birthday that was the worst, with Mom inviting the family out to dinner, cancelling the last second, and then coming to the restaurant, banging on the windows and flipping us off in front of everyone there. I wanted to melt and die and to this day my birthday is a painful and not pleasant event for me.

One of the best tools I've found for dealing with a BPD or uBPD mother is the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It costs a lot because it's out of print but it really paints a picture of what these people (and their enablers, like your father) are like. It also has tools for dealing with each "type" of mother. I highly recommend it. And, just as a thought, I will let you know that after my birthday those few years ago, I went NC for a while and it really did help. It was most difficult at first due to my mom flipping out on me, but I eventually gained peace, and my mother actually did start to realize that I meant what I said. Good luck to you, and I hope you can find some healing here.

[MammaMia]

sickandtired2

Wow.  I am sorry things went so badly.

If this is typical behavior when your parents visit, you may wish to consider excluding them from future gatherings at your home.  You do not HAVE to include them.  They disrupted what everyone hoped would be a pleasant occasion and created an  uncomfortable situation for everyone, including your sister who is caught in the middle.  She does not want to upset your parents, yet she may actually feel guilty about the way they treat you.  No matter who she tries to please, SOMEONE is going to be hurt and/or angry at her.

If you can accept the fact that your mother resents THE SITUATION she was in (her pregnancy) and understand she is transferring her anger and guilt about it on to you, you may be able to get past this.  You did not cause her unhappiness ... . she did, and she is blaming you for something you had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with.  She needs to take responsibility for her actions.  It is not your fault.

If she cannot control her behavior, and you cannot get past it, you and your family may be happier avoiding any contact.   It is your home and you make the rules, not your mother.  Family gatherings should be pleasant.  Unfortunately, that is not always the case.  

You do not have to tolerate bad behavior.  If you condone it, you are allowing it to continue.  You can stop this.

[TiredofBeingAfraid]

I am so sorry you had to go through all that. As you can see from my username, I completely understand how you feel. Not this Christmas but the Christmas before, I had a not-so-great holiday myself because of my fiance's brother who has BPD. Luckily, this Christmas I didn't have to see him or my fiance's family, and I have a feeling if I had been coerced into going, it would not have been pretty.

I can commiserate because I am desperately trying to figure out how the holidays are going to work for our families in the future. Not only do I not want to be around his brother, but I don't want any other relative of mine to be subjected to him either. I can only hope that he will move far, far away. Make that far, far, far away, just to be safe... .

We're all here for you if you need to vent. *Hugs*

[Cindy]

It was most difficult at first due to my mom flipping out on me, but I eventually gained peace, and my mother actually did start to realize that I meant what I said.

I have not been here for a while, but after reading your posts I want to put my 2 cents in.  I can definitely identify.  I have spent a few days listening to YouTube Videos about Codependancy, Narcissism, etc.  It was all validating, but there was one video on Boundaries that helped the most.  If we have to maintain some sort of contact with them, which I do, as my mom lives only a few blocks away, we can set and maintain a boundary.  Everyone who posted made some good points and I agree with all of them.  It is not your fault.  You know that, but it still doesn't make sense.  The golden sister has to side with the mother; the enabling dad has to revolve around the mother. 

I am an only child, and didn't know that I had a problem until way into adulthood.  My father was a buffer between the two of us.  However, when he died and she remarried the tables turned.  The man she married cannot make a move without her permission, and yet he seems to spy on me.  He will deliver something to my house and somehow let my mother know that it wasn't clean according to her standards.  Whoops, I digress.  My bad experience has to do with my upcoming birthday and a remark my mother made about the African Violets that I gave her for her birthday 2 1/2 months ago, which seem to be dying.  Since it is too much trouble to keep them alive, she will use the basket they came in as a makes a good fruit basket.  I told her I didn't care what she did with the African Violets.  I wanted so badly to call her and give her a piece of my mind.  I had done everything correctly regarding her and endad's birthdays, and Christmas.  Why is she now stepping on me emotionally.  The day of my doctor's appointment (last Wednesday) she said "You never even come to visit me".  Since my step dad was my ride to the doctor, I asked him if we could stop by her house on the way home.  I went away with a few trinkets as she wanted me to look at her "stuff".  My guess is that she is not getting the attention she needs now as it is now time for my birthday so she had to let me know that something went wrong with her Birthday Gift.  I didn't mean to ramble, but I could go on and on about how I tried to do everything right and thought I did.  No, it doesn't matter if we do everything right.  It isn't about us. It's about them.  They think we are causing their emotions, supposedly.  BUT I think they have to throw in a mean jab once in a while just to stir things up a bit.  Back to the boundaries.  If anything is ever going to change with them, the boundaries we set are going to have to hurt them a little.  By that, I mean they will have to feel that the power shift has changed.  We also have to stick to those boundaries.

In the meantime, you have a wonderful daughter,  Save the desserts for your immediate family.  I have spent the last 2 Christmases and Thanksgiving with just me and my adult daughter with Autism.  My mother chose not to even drop by this year.  It was her choice... . and as for you... . no more guilt!

Cindy

[sickandtired2]

Thank you all for your posts.  It is sad but you all seem to get how I am feeling.  I guess because you all experienced the same type of lives.  My husband understands as long as I am staying strong about staying NC.  As soon as I start second guessing my feelings he questions how I could even speak to them ever again.  He hasn't lived a life like this so he doesn't understand how they get into your head.  You guys get it... . thank you.  It helps so much to come to this board for my "sanity check".