Not sure how to help my dad

[sad4mydad]

My parents have been married for 39 years, and my mom had BPD.  When I was growing up, my dad always said that my mom just had bad PMS or menopause.  Three years ago, I finally got him to read some materials and he now realizes that my mom has BPD.  Two years ago, things got really bad and I spent a lot of time helping my dad get access to resources for help, but he never took advantage of them, unfortunately. 

This past week, I had a chance to spend a few days traveling with my dad. We had a really special time.  He opened up and told me how bad things have gotten with my mom.  She has never been officially diagnosed with BPD, but her doc has put her on meds for clinical depression.  When she stays on her meds, things are great, for the most part.  But it sounds like things are getting worse and my dad is having a hard time - especially now that he is retired and can no longer escape her wrath.  They've been fighting alot and she has threatened to separate or divorce.  Then my dad went on to say that he's glad that there's not a gun in the house.  I pressed him about this, thinking he meant that their fights had escalated to the point where he thought my mom might use the gun on him.  No, he didn't mean that.  He said he was scared he might be tempted to use it on himself.  He went on to say he could never kill himself because it would cause too many people pain and I don't think he was threatening to do it.  My therapist once said I was pre-suicidal; I think my dad is, too.

I talked to my dad about getting help and using the resources that I shared with him two years ago.  He genuinely seemed to be interested in doing something.  But since my mom has never been diagnosed with BPD and seems to be completely unaware that she is "off," he doesn't know how to get help. Both of us agree that he should not be the one to tell her.  There's a support group that meets once a month in his town, but if he says where he is going, she'll get upset.  He doesn't want to lie to her.  I told him about this forum, but they share computers.  I've given him names of therapists in his town who are familiar with BPD, but it's the same situation as the support group: he doesn't want to lie and doesn't know what to say to my mom.

Have others experienced this?  How do you get help if you don't want your family member or SO to suspect anything?  My dad needs help and I want to make sure he gets it. 

[zone out]

Sad4mydad

Welcome to BPD family - you have reached a good place here, you will be able to get lots of support and empathy from other members, many of whom have gone through similar experiences.    You are so right - any diagnosis needs to come from a specialist.

Your poor dad sounds like he is really going through it, and with retirement he has so much more exposure to the situation.  He has one very valuable resource and support - you. 

I have attached a link for you to share with him.  Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

I see that he doesn't want to lie to your mother and he may well be tied up in fear and obligation but there are times when you have to do things you might not want to - for the best.  Hopefully he will find a way to get support from a therapist.  Show him the resources on this site.  Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

[WiseMind]

Hi Sad4mydad,

I wish I had some good advice for you but I think your dad needs to want to help himself. It sounds like he's getting there and I sincerely hope he does. My dad recently retired, mom is uBPD but dad is a HUUUUUGE enabler and she's successfully manipulated him. I can't even talk to him about her. So sadly I have a strained relationship with both of them since I need to have little contact with mom. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I can understand what you and your family are going through and I really hope your dad does something to help himself in this situation. 

WM