Screaming/crying episodes with mother. Common with BPD?

[supergirl2]

My mother has no official diagnosis but it's clear something is very wrong. Her recent behavior is not new, as in she has never been "right," however, stress seems to have induced near psychotic behavior and I'm wondering if anyone else has witnessed their BPD person act in this way or if it is typical.

My mother is under stress as she has been estranged from my sister and grandchildren for over half a year now. This stress seems to have induced escalating VERY CRAZY behavior. It goes something like this:

1. She gets upset over something, usually the lack of someone engaging in an argument with her or talking with her, about her estrangement with my sister and grandchildren.

2. If she can't draw someone, anyone, into her intended conversation or argument, she then sends out verbal "zingers", I think to basically throw her pain outward onto others so she can be angry.

3. If all of the above gets no one to engage, she

    a)cries uncontrollably and escalates to long wailing very loudly like some kind of wounded animal, for 30 minutes +. OR

    b)she starts screaming at the top of her lungs over and over and over for 10-15 minutes or more. By screaming I mean absolutely screaming, not yelling words, just screaming. High pitched screaming.

4. This is followed by uncontrollable and very loud crying, while talking to NO ONE and she is impossible to understand. I couldn't tell you if what she says makes sense or not. She did this while by herself downstairs. It sounds like she may possibly be saying out loud what is making her sad, but I really don't know.

5. More often than not, she will then leave the house and wander around walking the neighborhood, seeming to be out of it, while crying. She has done this at 10/11 at night, walking alone in the neighborhood while holding a roll of toilet paper because she's "sad." The other time, she seemed completely like she was out of it when we found her after an hour. She claimed she was sitting against the neighbor's garage door at 11 o'clock at night because she "needed a place to sit down."

6. Within 20 minutes to a few hours later or the following day, she will act like nothing ever happened, like everything is fine. I know she knows what happened, but she acts like nothing happened.

The thing that gets me the most is the screaming. And she tends to do all of this when it's just me there to witness it. I feel almost traumatized by witnessing the screaming. She's not screaming AT me, she's just screaming at the top of her lungs. I can't even think of anything to compare it to.

She's acting like a person that's completely lost her mind and the following day acts like nothing happened, but I know it's just under the surface and can happen at any time. I'm stuck living with her in the same house and it's really really hard and getting harder every day.

Do BPD people do this? What is this?

I've suggested to my dad that she get some kind of help. Right now they are just in marital therapy. I feel like her recent behavior is really affecting me. I feel sad and really disconcerted, I can't relax or be happy or focus on something else since the last screaming episode because it's had such an effect on me.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi supergirl,

I don't blame you for being concerned--your mother's behavior sounds very unusual. That kind of behavior can definitely impact your mood. People with BPD can behave the way you described. It sounds like your mother doesn't have good coping mechanisms when she's upset or triggered. Is there anything besides the estrangement that seems to bring out this behavior in your mother?

It's hard having a mother with BPD and I know how that sad and disoriented feeling you described. How are you doing with this? Do you have a good support system for yourself?

[Kwamina]

Hi supergirl2,

I understand why this is getting to you, the behavior you describe is quite disturbing indeed.

The thing that gets me the most is the screaming. And she tends to do all of this when it's just me there to witness it. I feel almost traumatized by witnessing the screaming. She's not screaming AT me, she's just screaming at the top of her lungs. I can't even think of anything to compare it to.

I find the point you make here particularly interesting. My uBPD mother has exhibited crazy behavior too, not the things you've described but other things like sitting on the couch seemingly in a completely dissociated state. Or walking through the house with her hands at the side of her head constantly saying “My head is full, my head is full”. Just like with your mother, my mother mostly does these things when I'm the only one around to witness them. There were times that I believed she was in actual distress and on the verge of really losing her mind, but there were many more times that I was fully aware she was trying to manipulate me. Her crazy behavior often followed moments when I called her out on something or when I didn't comply to her crazy demands.

She's acting like a person that's completely lost her mind and the following day acts like nothing happened, but I know it's just under the surface and can happen at any time. I'm stuck living with her in the same house and it's really really hard and getting harder every day.

My mother does this too, act all crazy and 5 minutes later or the next day act like nothing happened at all. From the research literature I've studied on BPD I know that certain people with BPD actually don't remember very extreme episodes like the ones you've described. However, extremely manipulative behavior is often also an aspect of BPD and her 'acting like nothing has happened' could also be some sort of manipulation. Her behavior could be a form of gas-lighting, making you question your own perceptions of reality so you might actually start to believe that nothing happened or that it wasn't that bad at all.

[supergirl2]

Is there anything besides the estrangement that seems to bring out this behavior in your mother?

I hate to say it, but basically, living brings out abnormal behavior in her. This extreme behavior with The Screaming was brought about by the estrangement and her feeling torn away from her grandchildren. It was also brought about one time when she found out that my dad had been talking to my estranged sister and hadn't told my mom. Crying episodes are exhibited when she feels (more like decides) that my dad is taking advantage of her by not loving her enough or not loving/appreciating her right.

ALL of her behavior got significantly worse after we had taken in an 18 year old diagnosed borderline boy who was my sister's boyfriend, before we knew anything was wrong with him. He lived with us for approximately 7+ months. My mom has said that she could relate to what he went through. After he left our house was when my mom really started acting crazy and it's gotten worse in the 13 years since.

How are you doing with this? Do you have a good support system for yourself?

My support system is my dad, and I've told my best friend and he understands and is very supportive. As far as how I'm doing with it, I feel extremely angry and sad and I wish I could get away from her, but I can't.

[Drained Daughter]

This is probably not adding much, but my mother has exhibited all of the behavior you described.  Like you I particularly hate the Screaming.  And my guess is that it is traumatizing you like you suggested.

In terms of dealing with the situation finding this board is a great start.  I found that learning that other people have had very similar experiences with their BPD parents really helped me.  First I realized the behavior is not "normal," and that the particularly crazy things she did were not because I had set her off but were routine parts of an illness that other BPD people also do.

Also I would recommend learning more about BPD (Understanding the Borderline Mother is the best book on the subject for children of BPD IMO). 

Most importantly work on learning to take care of yourself.  As the child of a BPD it is very likely that truly caring for yourself, rather than trying to "be ok" so that you can anticipate her needs, is a skill you need to develop.  For me that entailed devoting more time to healthy relationships in my life (with friends, my sister, and my husband) and training myself to step away from her, her drama, and trying to fulfill her needs.  It is still tough though.

 to you.  It is very hard to be in the house with that level of crazy going on.

[P.F.Change]

The thing that gets me the most is the screaming. And she tends to do all of this when it's just me there to witness it. I feel almost traumatized by witnessing the screaming. She's not screaming AT me, she's just screaming at the top of her lungs. I can't even think of anything to compare it to.

I would feel uncomfortable witnessing fits of rage like that as well, and you're right that it can be quite traumatizing. What do you do when your mother has a screaming fit? Are you currently living with her?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Taolady]

Hello, Super girl.  My mother has done similar things, but not the screaming/crying extremes you describe. What do you think would happen if you told her that because something was obviously very wrong and she couldn't tell you what it was, that you were going to call 911? Do you think she would continue or do you think she would stop?  If she stopped, it seems to me that this was a manipulative tactic. If she continued, I think you would be justified in actually calling 911 because she obviously needs some help that you can't provide and it might be good to "get her into the system." Good luck to you. You've come to the right place.

[zone out]

Supergirl2

I feel so sorry for what you are going through - my mother throws wild rages, in her case it is more intermittent wailing and shouting at the top of her voice.   Being in the midst of all that drama must be very draining for you.  Take every opportunity to talk through your feelings with your dad and best friend.

There are lots of people on this site who have been going through the same thing, it really helps to know you are not alone.  Your mother definitely sounds like she needs professional help, have you talked this over with your dad?

My mother is undiagnosed too - I diagnosed her myself when reading Walking on Eggshells.  There are lots of good articles on this site. Facts About Borderline Personality Disorder

Have a read through them, I found it helped me to learn more about the condition.

Keep posting - let us know how things are going.

[mother in law]

Hi super girl 2

Yes I have heard of this, my ex DiL did the screaming alot when she and my son 1st separated. It was terrible for my granddaughter, so frightening. At my insistence my son reported it to her psychiatrist.  She was sent for anger management and eventually it stopped although the remaining BPD behaviours are still there loud and clear unfortunately. Good luck add it is a very scary thing to watch.

[foodie]

I haven't heard my mother have fits of rage like that for years, because I don't live at home anymore AND I am emotionally very distant from her now, but I remember it happening.  She used to go crazy often.  She wouldn't scream, but she would be in a "zone" or "mood" that really scared the hell out of us.  The scariest was when she would go completely silent and follow me around the house, shoving notes under the door and wouldn't leave me alone when I asked her to.  I would lock the door to my bedroom and she would fumble with the locks, constantly coming back silently to try to talk to me.  It is honestly one of the most unstable, scariest memories of my entire life, being a child and knowing how unstable my mother was.  It is very scary for a child who doesn't know different.