Do They Cheat On The Ones They Are Cheating With?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have often wondered if a pwBPD is cheating on their partner, can they or do they also cheat on the person they are cheating with?

Say for instance they are in a triangulation episode and they see someone as a "Rescuer" and have a relationship with them. Can they yet again take on another partner who is not part of the triangle?

[Willingtolearn]

I have often wondered if a pwBPD is cheating on their partner, can they or do they also cheat on the person they are cheating with?

Say for instance they are in a triangulation episode and they see someone as a "Rescuer" and have a relationship with them. Can they yet again take on another partner who is not part of the triangle?

[Ironmanrises]

Yes.

Their behavior is not going to change... .

With the next person.

[Turkish]

I have often wondered if a pwBPD is cheating on their partner, can they or do they also cheat on the person they are cheating with?

Say for instance they are in a triangulation episode and they see someone as a "Rescuer" and have a relationship with them. Can they yet again take on another partner who is not part of the triangle?

My pwBPD's flame was kind of cheating on her. She told me she felt something like I must be feeling... .as if she couldn't before unless it happened to her? No moral center?

I seriously think that she doesn't reconnect with me because she feels she will be "cheating" on her flame. I saw some of what she wrote to him... .like a lovesick girl. It was sick. Very twisted... .

If I have the opportunity, which I think I will, I'll say, good luck with your cycling (of men). They will cheat on you... .and now that you have a "taste" for it, you will cheat on them. Have a nice life!

Sure, it will cause her some pain, but oh well. One small bit of vengeance... .I'll take it, especially since I am going above and beyond to be kind and patient with her now, still living under my roof.

[fromheeltoheal]

A trait of BPD is to look to external sources to soothe, since the sufferer does not have the ability to self-soothe.  This results in impulsive actions that can take a lot of forms, including sexual promiscuity.  Mine once had sex with 6 men and 2 women in less than two weeks, because hey, it was a rough two weeks, whadya gonna do?  

The good news might be they don't consider it cheating; since they are incapable of sustainable emotions and true intimacy, there wasn't much of a connection to their 'significant other' (funny term, considering) anyway, so bouncing from liaison to liaison chasing the chaos is their 'normal'.

[maxen]

my stbxw destroyed the marriage with an exit affair. she lied to me about her activities during that time, and then lied about lying about it. however, since then she has twice spontaneously raised the topic of reconciliation. we exchanged emails, she went home to her parents (far away) to think about it, and then we met for dinner. i can not imagine that she told her paramour that she was going home to see how she felt about leaving that situation or that she was going out to dinner with me to discuss reconciliation. so she has now cheated, at least emotionally, with her husband on her paramour.

[bpdspell]

I agree with From Heel to Heal,

What we consider cheating isn't cheating to them in the sense that it's betrayal... .it's sex to self-soothe their wildly chaotic emotions... .sounds kinda bogus to us... .but in reality is a real part of their maladaptive coping mechanisms (in response to their mental illness.)

It's like using sex as a drug to stabilize yourself. Like a temporary pain reliever.

What we need to remember/know is that their "cheating" isn't personal. It isn't about us or not being good enough. It's a coping mechanism for them. Hurts us to the bone but isn't connected to our self worth in the least.

I'm guessing that your post is inquiring if whether "others" get the ___ treatment also?

The answer is yes. We aren't "specially" chosen by them to get ___ted on. Their behavior is all about them and their disorder.

Spell

[Clearmind]

This is not BPD behaviour. If someone cheats on you the pattern will repeat itself BPD. Everyone can use sex as a maladaptive coping tool.

[fromheeltoheal]

This is not BPD behaviour. If someone cheats on you the pattern will repeat itself BPD. Everyone can use sex as a maladaptive coping tool.

Impulsive behavior in itself is not indicative of BPD, agreed, however when it is part of a constellation of traits that are common with the disorder, it can fit; that was one of many traits that are indicative of the disorder to me, as echoed countless times here.  Funny how that one really hits a nerve though; go ahead babe, cut yourself, pig out on ice cream, and lose yet another job, just you being you crazy girl, but screw somebody?  Major problem.  It's not uncommon for that to be considered a dealbreaker, but it's definitely something for me to look at.

[DownandOut]

My uBPDexgf met me for coffee (we were broken up at the time after a tumultuous 6-month relationship of constant recycling) while she was dating, and living with, another man. At the time we met for coffee, I didn't know that she was dating someone else. When we got back together, she told me that she had a boyfriend at the time we met and that she felt so guilty about it, but "something must have been wrong in [her] relationship that would cause her to do that." If only I would have known what BPD was I would have recognized this huge red flag. She was either having an emotional affair, or a sexual affair (not sure which one), with someone else when we were dating and I had begun being devalued. He ended up being my replacement.

The point I'm making is that, yes, they will cheat on anyone if the situation suits them and they will make up all kinds of excuses as to why they are justified in doing so. Sad, sad, disorder.

[winston72]

Yes.

Okay, I just had to offer a black and white, yes/no answer to a post!  It is my initial reaction, prior to all of my qualifying thoughts.  The other responses here are so good that there is not much to add.  In the context of this personality disorder, it is clear that the behavior of seeking out new connections will continue.  Even without a BPD perspective, someone who behaves this way while in a committed relationship is likely to repeat the behavior.  The dynamics described in the Karpman Triangle, which is described elsewhere on this site and to which I think you refer, play out in relationships with or without a disorder.  So while I would not use the pronoun "they" to describe another individual, I would still offer my answer as, Yes!

[Bananas]

My ex was involved with someone else while he was with me and there may have been another 1 or 2. We thought we were the only ones.  So in my case, yes. 

I have had a non-BPD bf cheat on me.  The difference was when they were caught.  My non BPDex was accountable and took responsibility for his actions, showed remorse and gave me a genuine apology.  The relationship ended but I was able to recover from it quickly.

I got none of that from my PDex.  Seven months later and I am still somewhat of a mess. 

[fromheeltoheal]

So while I would not use the pronoun "they" to describe another individual, I would still offer my answer as, Yes!

Good call winston.  While it is natural, once we see a package of traits that our ex displayed echoed time and time again on these boards, and that package of traits given a label, to use the collective "they" to describe "them", it's easy to take too far.  What we're talking about is our emotional pain, and playing victim to this evil, black disorder that is perpetrated by the evil "them" is an easy way out and feels good sometimes, is prevalent on these boards, I've done it plenty myself, and it's good to remember that we paint people, even groups of people, black too.  OK, it's natural to do for a minute because we're hurting, but there's a time to get off it and look at our part; it did take two to tango.  Thank you for that.

[gettingoverit]

So while I would not use the pronoun "they" to describe another individual, I would still offer my answer as, Yes!

Good call winston.  While it is natural, once we see a package of traits that our ex displayed echoed time and time again on these boards, and that package of traits given a label, to use the collective "they" to describe "them", it's easy to take too far.  What we're talking about is our emotional pain, and playing victim to this evil, black disorder that is perpetrated by the evil "them" is an easy way out and feels good sometimes, is prevalent on these boards, I've done it plenty myself, and it's good to remember that we paint people, even groups of people, black too.  OK, it's natural to do for a minute because we're hurting, but there's a time to get off it and look at our part; it did take two to tango.  Thank you for that.

I don't want to high jack this conversation, but I think for someone who has been recently cheated on and been left, it can be all they think about. I think it's a far question. I have to admit whenever I read people posting things like "focus on yourself" or the things I highlighted above my back goes up. I am not denying that we as nons play a huge part in the dysfunction, I do think there is a MAJOR difference between the role we played and the role our BPDs played. I have been on these boards long enough to notice one common thread... .when nons leave their BPDs, they try to do it in the most respectful manner, they try to limit the damage and truly care about how their decision to leave their BPD affects them. When the Bpd leaves on the other hand, they will lie, cheat, gaslight, play the vicitm and essentially follow a scorched earth policy when it comes to their SO. For the non that can and does leave damaging effects. They are being re-victimized by their BPD leaving them... .never mind the crap they went through while still dating. So although well meaning, telling someone to start focusing on themselves after they have had their heart and soul handed to them is a tad insensitive.

To answer the posts question, I have always followed the adage that "if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you". And as my mother used to say "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Sooner or later the draw for greener pastures will force our lovely BPDs to do what they do best.

[fromheeltoheal]

OK, it's natural to do for a minute because we're hurting, but there's a time to get off it and look at our part; it did take two to tango.  Thank you for that.

I don't want to high jack this conversation, but I think for someone who has been recently cheated on and been left, it can be all they think about. I think it's a far question. I have to admit whenever I read people posting things like "focus on yourself" or the things I highlighted above my back goes up. I am not denying that we as nons play a huge part in the dysfunction, I do think there is a MAJOR difference between the role we played and the role our BPDs played. I have been on these boards long enough to notice one common thread... .when nons leave their BPDs, they try to do it in the most respectful manner, they try to limit the damage and truly care about how their decision to leave their BPD affects them. When the Bpd leaves on the other hand, they will lie, cheat, gaslight, play the vicitm and essentially follow a scorched earth policy when it comes to their SO. For the non that can and does leave damaging effects. They are being re-victimized by their BPD leaving them... .never mind the crap they went through while still dating. So although well meaning, telling someone to start focusing on themselves after they have had their heart and soul handed to them is a tad insensitive.

To answer the posts question, I have always followed the adage that "if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you". And as my mother used to say "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Sooner or later the draw for greener pastures will force our lovely BPDs to do what they do best.

Yes gettingoverit, asking someone who is in pain and recently traumatized to look at their part can be insensitive and can sound like blame-shifting, especially if done too early.  It's a process, and someone who has been blamed for everything for a long time will naturally lash out as they detach, get their feet on the ground and process what really happened.

And the difference between us and a BPD is they have a serious mental illness which leaves emotional wreckage for all concerned, we do not.  Nobody wins but the disorder, and what it is mostly is sad, but having realized that, and with time and with healing, the focus needs to shift to why did we put up with what we did for so long, and how do we grow so it doesn't happen again.  Not doing that and focusing on how the BPD wronged us is a way to get stuck; there's a time for everything.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I agree we have to look at the red flags and why we stayed however I think we need to be very careful not to make the healing process harder. I think it can be dangerous to assign too much blame. These people are master manipulators and take advantage of trusting good people. They hide a lot until they know they have you hooked. Once you are fully hooked is when these behaviors start to many times slowly surface. It is a hard thing after that. Chemicals are involved, obligation, love ... .It's like the adage of the frog in the boiling pot of water. Something like if you put him in a warm pot and slowly increase the heat he will boil and die. If you threw him in a pot of boiling water he would jump out.

I would bet most people here would never have gotten involved had these behaviors started from the get go. If they were always bad than we wouldn't have stayed. We kept hoping that what we were seeing were just flukes. I don't subscribe to the theory that we are all damaged or we wouldn't have been with this person. Like my 18 year old son said compassionately. You are a good person in the right hands it would have been wonderful. He tricked you. He tricked us all. He was very good at his deception.

I just don't think it does any good to blame ourselves. My t says the same. Yes learn from it and work on some things but sometimes we have to be burned by the fire to even know it's hot or people like this even exist. I mean it's not like we are still in it either. If we learn and go back maybe there's a problem.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I also want to add that the reason we talk about what they did is the brain and the heart must process all that has happened to us or it's called repression( like BPDs do) and we will not be able to heal properly. Unfortunately it takes a lot of time and work. Forgetting is not healing. Yes someday but not this soon.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Sorry just one more thing. We have to remember.

We were all in relationships with someone with a mental illness these were not normal relationships!

Even my mom said the hardest part to get through my head is he seems so normal a lot of the time. You start to forget until he suddenly erupts out of nowhere. You are blindsided again.

If he was running around muttering like a crazy person you would never have been with them.

[sm15000]

In my case yes.

My ex admitted (at the end) he was seeing 6 other women for a number of years (couldn't pin him down on that but i'd say 3 or 4).

I think when he cheats, he will always cheat multiply, because as lots have mentioned, it's a self-soothing mechanism.

He noted to me on a number of occasions, how women, he is cheating with don't mind if they know he's already in a steady r/s. . .but if they find out he's sleeping with someone else, they go mad - he thought it was hypocritical. . .on reflection, I think he has a point  

[Turkish]

I just don't think it does any good to blame ourselves. My t says the same. Yes learn from it and work on some things but sometimes we have to be burned by the fire to even know it's hot or people like this even exist. I mean it's not like we are still in it either. If we learn and go back maybe there's a problem.

So does mine. I threw out my "rescuing" tendencies due to my mother, and he stopped me and said, "ok, I don't think everything needs to be pathologized! You didn't do anything wrong. She is still trying to justify the unjustifiable." The cheating.

Ok. Deep breath.

Still dipping my toes into self-blame. And I think the recent post about the lonely child/abandoned child resonates deeply with me, as it did with others.

[winston72]

A most thought provoking thread!  Thanks to all... .

My observation from my time on this site is that many people here who were burned in their relationship with someone with BPD traits (I am falling short of declaring the full disorder as the behavioral traits are damaging enough) are prone to be overly responsible and self-recriminating to start with.  It is a challenge for many of us to define and declare the inappropriate actions of our partners.  So, an initial step of healing is to "face the facts" and that means laying the responsibility for our pain in the right place.  In my case, I struggled to hold my partner accountable for even the most egregious behavior.  It was/is a problem that is now highlighted for me.  So, oddly, I had to learn to be clear about what she did and how it made me feel.  It is hard for me to even write this.  Yikes!

Then, and only then, I began to gain perspective on how my feelings and subsequent behaviors allowed me to be used.  I am not responsible for having been mugged, but I did walk along a dark street without paying attention to my surroundings.  Many realizations have come my way and I am now much more alert... .I am more in touch with myself.  In this way I am taking more responsibility to create better outcomes for myself.  But, I am not culpable for her behavior.  I do not take responsibility for her behavior.  My vulnerability does not explain or excuse her behavior. Still, I can learn, change, grow to put myself in a better place.

I am, of course, processing my own thoughts and history as I write this... .not so much commenting on the other posts. 

[maxen]

A most thought provoking thread!  Thanks to all... .

My observation from my time on this site is that many people here who were burned in their relationship with someone with BPD traits (I am falling short of declaring the full disorder as the behavioral traits are damaging enough) are prone to be overly responsible and self-recriminating to start with.  It is a challenge for many of us to define and declare the inappropriate actions of our partners.  So, an initial step of healing is to "face the facts" and that means laying the responsibility for our pain in the right place.  In my case, I struggled to hold my partner accountable for even the most egregious behavior.  It was/is a problem that is now highlighted for me.  So, oddly, I had to learn to be clear about what she did and how it made me feel.  It is hard for me to even write this.  Yikes!

that was very brave to write, winston, and what you wrote certainly applies to me. i'm accommodating, trusting, have been maybe weak-willed, my BPD stbxw has blasted me with accusations that are patent half-truths and yet i accepted all the blame. she displayed egregiously irresponsible behavior and i didn't like it but i didn't set boundaries either (a bind there: if i had given her the "emotional support" she demanded she might have felt secure enough to do it (drinking, say) more, but since i didn't give her enough emotional support she was driven to more (drinking, say)). i was meticulous in my obligations and she was careless of hers. the recovery will involve finding the core strength to say "stop" and be ready to accept the consequences.

[bauers220]

Not only was I the "woman" in her life that she cheated on her husband with... .she also pursued other women behind my back time and time again... .Tells me this summer that she did it for attention... .while I sat on the other end of the keyboard watching it all happen... .being yelled at and devalued when I confronted her - being accused of watching her every move while she insisted at the time these were just friends (insert name here)... .Zebras don't change stripes... .and she is still the same... .seems to always have someone who is fawning all over her every FB post... .her pushing me away but clearly someone has her attention... .and I am again devalued... .too paranoid - don't go with the "flow" enough... .blah blah blah... .

I use to think it was because her father cheated on her mother... .then I saw the BPD... .now I wonder if Daddy had BPD as well... .that I will never know.

[Clearmind]

If someone is cheating on someone else with you it stands to reason they will also cheat on you as well.

Look for someone's actions - they tell you a lot if we choose to take note.

[Peterpan]

My answer is yes... .mine pursued me relentlessly for nealry two years before we got together,the way he pursued me, stalked me, mirrored me, was stifling, he wasoblivious to my personal space physically, he told me over and over he was obsessed with me and from his actions I believed every word of it.

Why then did I feel something was not quite right when I saw him givng the same actions to another woman?

I let my suspicions go becasue of those obsessive actions and words from him, I saw it with my own eyes, felt it in my gut,,but I still chose to believe he would never cheat on me with her as well,, after all, he and I were both married, both had the same risks, both investing everything we had built up for years fro each other,I couldn't allow myself to believe I had done what I did with a conman, a mirage, someone who was so convincing and obsessive over me would never do that to me would he?

Yes he did! he was married, cheating with me... .and also cheating with another one as well,someone I knew, he was triangulating with us both, and yet keeping us both apart.

Even when I could prove what he'd done, he gaslighted me so much that I was made to feel bad for thinking it of him... .that is how good they are at what they do.

If you ever have any little doubts, red flags, things that don't add up, don't sweep them under the carpet like I did. I had been brainwashed with his ' I'm so insecure, everyone hurts me'  that I didn't dare question him... .I held it all inside and drove myself to a near breakdown.

The crazymaking behaviour is so vast that we stay because we are gaslighted into believing WE are the ones who may be wrong.

If it doesn't feel right, if you feel you can't ask simple questions for fear of looking stupid... .something is wrong.

Yes they will happily have another source of supply in the background for when you are not around.

Sadly they are obsessed and deeply in love with any new challenge, the thrill of the chase it gives them helps them to feel on a high... .That is what they constantly seek.

Sadly their lack of empathy and conscience means that your feelings don't matter. When they have another exciting challenge, that is all they can think about.

[DownandOut]

Not only was I the "woman" in her life that she cheated on her husband with... .she also pursued other women behind my back time and time again... .Tells me this summer that she did it for attention... .while I sat on the other end of the keyboard watching it all happen... .being yelled at and devalued when I confronted her - being accused of watching her every move while she insisted at the time these were just friends (insert name here)... .Zebras don't change stripes... .and she is still the same... .seems to always have someone who is fawning all over her every FB post... .her pushing me away but clearly someone has her attention... .and I am again devalued... .too paranoid - don't go with the "flow" enough... .blah blah blah... .

I use to think it was because her father cheated on her mother... .then I saw the BPD... .now I wonder if Daddy had BPD as well... .that I will never know.

My uBPDexgf's father cheated on her mother and then married the woman he cheated with. I'm pretty sure this has a lot to do with why she is the way she is.

[bauers220]

My answer is yes... .mine pursued me relentlessly for nealry two years before we got together,the way he pursued me, stalked me, mirrored me, was stifling, he wasoblivious to my personal space physically, he told me over and over he was obsessed with me and from his actions I believed every word of it.

Why then did I feel something was not quite right when I saw him givng the same actions to another woman?

I let my suspicions go becasue of those obsessive actions and words from him, I saw it with my own eyes, felt it in my gut,,but I still chose to believe he would never cheat on me with her as well,, after all, he and I were both married, both had the same risks, both investing everything we had built up for years fro each other,I couldn't allow myself to believe I had done what I did with a conman, a mirage, someone who was so convincing and obsessive over me would never do that to me would he?

Yes he did! he was married, cheating with me... .and also cheating with another one as well,someone I knew, he was triangulating with us both, and yet keeping us both apart.

Even when I could prove what he'd done, he gaslighted me so much that I was made to feel bad for thinking it of him... .that is how good they are at what they do.

If you ever have any little doubts, red flags, things that don't add up, don't sweep them under the carpet like I did. I had been brainwashed with his ' I'm so insecure, everyone hurts me'  that I didn't dare question him... .I held it all inside and drove myself to a near breakdown.

The crazymaking behaviour is so vast that we stay because we are gaslighted into believing WE are the ones who may be wrong.

If it doesn't feel right, if you feel you can't ask simple questions for fear of looking stupid... .something is wrong.

Yes they will happily have another source of supply in the background for when you are not around.

Sadly they are obsessed and deeply in love with any new challenge, the thrill of the chase it gives them helps them to feel on a high... .That is what they constantly seek.

Sadly their lack of empathy and conscience means that your feelings don't matter. When they have another exciting challenge, that is all they can think about.

WOW this could be my ex to a T!  It didn't matter what it was - a person or something new she was involved with like forming a new band - she would put her ALL into it and you could not engage her in ANY conversation - she just literally DROPPED off the face of the earth.  Then when I would walk away from her - she would suddenly lift her head and go ... .wow I lost Shawn again... .quick quick... .and she would cry, beg, say all the right words and obsess about ME for days and days... .then it would cycle again... .

Sad really... .cause in her own way I know she love(s)(d) me... .she just can't give me what I need... .steady... .

[Turkish]

Not only was I the "woman" in her life that she cheated on her husband with... .she also pursued other women behind my back time and time again... .Tells me this summer that she did it for attention... .while I sat on the other end of the keyboard watching it all happen... .being yelled at and devalued when I confronted her - being accused of watching her every move while she insisted at the time these were just friends (insert name here)... .Zebras don't change stripes... .and she is still the same... .seems to always have someone who is fawning all over her every FB post... .her pushing me away but clearly someone has her attention... .and I am again devalued... .too paranoid - don't go with the "flow" enough... .blah blah blah... .

I use to think it was because her father cheated on her mother... .then I saw the BPD... .now I wonder if Daddy had BPD as well... .that I will never know.

My uBPDexgf's father cheated on her mother and then married the woman he cheated with. I'm pretty sure this has a lot to do with why she is the way she is.

I briefly described my ex's father to my lawyer, and she replied, "so her father has BPD, too." Yes, I replied, you are probably right. And I am convinced my ex's older brother does, too. His love obsession/idealization is more obvious, in addition to several other traits. Her younger sister, though higher functioning now than mine, has a few of them, but she doesn't live close. The trauma the older kids experienced (repeated cheating, domestic abuse of their mother, lack of real emotional connection with his kids, his periodic absences) no doubt contributed to this. Still, I wonder if there is not a genetic component in this family... .in that, I fear for my children, especially my son who even at 3, I see has a similar personality as his mother. The good thing is that he is a kind kid (he gets that from me... .no, seriously), so that is a good foundation. The unfortunate thing is that even at this age, and before she cheated and left on me, I had already picked up on her devaluing him because he is male, in-between her loving him to death. Sigh... .I already see my own childhood! Intense love/devaluation/anger/intense love... .rinse/repeat.