hello

[widening/gyre]

After growing up with a mother whose raging loneliness, anger, fear, and overall emotional turmoil ruled myself and the rest of my family, I realized only a few years ago that her behavior wasn't normal, and that my mother seemed to be facing some pretty deep-set issues. After researching her symptoms, I found that Borderline Personality Disorder described the situation better than anything else I had ever encountered. Despite this though, my mother does not believe there is anything wrong with her, and is convinced that she's fine--but ever since I and my siblings reached adulthood and started moving out and away from her (two of us are across the country from her), her issues and problems have amped up, and she's now displaying BPD-like symptoms far worse than she ever did before.

I'm exhausted, terrified, and at a loss as to how to deal with her non-stop threats, ultimatums, temper tantrums, and needy behavior. My family members and I have discussed the possibility of confronting her about her behavior and the possibility of asking her to seek treatment, but everyone is too scared to try. We all say we're adults and aren't afraid, and that we've moved on, etc, and that we are happy, healthy, whole people, but the truth is that our mother has torn us apart individually, and as a result, we're emotionally alienated not only from her, but from each other as a result of her conquer-and-divide approach to raising us. She has turned us against each other on so many occasions.

The worst part is that while the three oldest of us, the siblings, are out and on our own, our father and youngest sister (she's in her early teens and is mentally handicapped) still live with our most lovely mother. If the older siblings do anything "wrong" in the sight of our mother, she is quick to take it out on our father and little sister through emotional and verbal abuse, and sometimes with our father, physical abuse. We live in terror of her, but we don't know what to do. I live in terror of her and don't know what to do. How do I move on and make my own life when she's threatening and abusing my family members? The guilt, the grief, the fear. It tears me apart.

[Waddams]

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  It's got to be quite the conflict as it feels to you like in order to break free and live free of the drama, you pretty much have to cut and run from the rest of the family?  All because your BPDmom is causing so much chaos?  

The first thing is are you in counseling?  This is a tough situation and the advice of a professional trained at dealing with BPD would be of great value to you.  There are ways to set boundaries and begin building better relationships at least with your siblings/father and perhaps even your mother.  So please take heart and don't think your situation is without hope.  There is hope!

This site has multiple resources that might be helpful to you.  Obviously peer support would be a good resource.  There are others that have dealt with similar situations.  Sharing with them and getting advice can be helpful to you and it also helps to know you're not alone and not crazy!  Try [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board.  I believe there are pinned threads at the top of that board that have links to articles/workshops here you can go through to help get you started.

How do I move on and make my own life when she's threatening and abusing my family members?

To me, I think you have to put yourself first.  Your siblings that are grown adults... . they are responsible for themselves.  You don't have to save them from her.  Same for your father.  You can't control what they do, what they tolerate, or how they interact.  You can set boundaries for yourself that provide for loving family relationships with them all, but also protect you and keep the drama with your mother at a minimum.  I know that's harsh, but they really are responsible for themselves at this point.

As for your younger sister, she's early teens, 13? 14?  What is her handicap?  Is there a diagnosis?  Is she being treated by a doctor for her condition?  I'd like a little more info. before speaking to that.

Also, the more you understand about BPD, how to communicate w/ BPD's, etc. the better off you will be.  A few more links to start with are:

Borderline Personality Disorder

Facts About Borderline Personality Disorder

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children


That's probably more than enough for now!

[widening/gyre]

"As for your younger sister, she's early teens, 13? 14?  What is her handicap?  Is there a diagnosis?  Is she being treated by a doctor for her condition?  I'd like a little more info. before speaking to that."

Thanks for the reply--I was in counseling while i was at college, but now that I've graduated, I don't have health insurance or a way to get counseling. My counselors were very supportive and great, but didn't really have background in BPD survivor stuff, but I did the best I could. 

yes, the conflict is huge--my father and siblings are all going through a lot of abuse from my mother because she's so angry that I won't come back to her. She's tried to drive a wedge between all of us (manipulation, lying, witholding/giving love, etc) and I think it's mostly worked. the rest of my family barely speaks to me now, and when i do talk to them, they've got a twisted view of me because they've listened to her lies. (she does this all the time, and in the past she's even tried to (unsuccessfully) separate my brother and his wife and she's successfully split up my older sis and a couple of my sister's boyfriends.)

Thanks for the resources! I've wound researching a lot on the topic, and thankfully have been able to find quite a lot.

As for my little sister, she's now 15 and has developmental delays as a result of premature birth (6months), ADD and Auditory Processing Disorder, and maybe a few other things. She's seeing a lot of therapists (speech, occupational) and specialists in her field. Idk how much help she can actually get now though, since my mother tends to lie to therapists about how my little sister is doing.