After 8 months and improving I've relapsed

[jollygreen]

This is just me venting and letting out, no expectations. It's been 8 months since the break. I never made any contact after because my personal view is if who I thought was the love of my life says they no longer love me, well then that's it (remove that from my life). They day befor my birthday she send a drawsomething message to my phone. I will never look at it.  Everything for me has been moving positively, I got a raise, been working out, living with friends, and staying busy.  When I see an old photo of us together, I don't really even recognize her, almost as if it were a dream I had forgotten and the picture is just a little sliver of her memory.

This past week was what would've been our 3 year anniversary. I know that because I left a damn notification on my phone. The one time I hate technology. It really set me back emotionally. Lots of drinking in the past week and sadness. I don't think it's because of her.

It's because of the effects it's had on my dating life. I've dated several women that were great dates. But I just didn't make a connection. Not anything like my ex. It occurred to me that it will most likely never happen again.  I understand that quite possibly that connection was made because of the type of person she is.  Which makes me wonder were the women that I dated normal for that connection not coming as immediate like before? With those dates I quickly mistook this lack of connection as their being uninterested in me and gave up on seeing them again. They good looking intelligent women and definite catches.

I've been online dating and about every other week I find someone great who matches me, get a phone number, and text back and forth. The moment in my mind that I think they are losing interest I let go and move on like a cycle. I don't even set anything for a meet up anymore.

My sadness comes from not missing my ex so much, but rather that I'm afraid to meet anyone new and open up to them.  I don't know that I can give out my heart like I did ever again and I hate being so afraid. I'm letting wonderful opportunities slip through my fingers every day.  I feel like my time is limited even though it's not.  Trying to move forward has been so tough, but I feel like the sadness comes less and less each day.  I think soon I will see a therapist not to help me solidify my beliefs about my ex, but to focus on me and getting back on track.

That was my rant, this is a wonderful community.

[crazytrain2]

How long were you with your ex?  "They" say it takes about half as long to get over a relationship than the time you were in it, though I suspect it's a little less than that given many relationships die well before they are put to rest.

In these volatile relationships we sometimes go from alive and kickin'... .literally... .to nada so I think it is natural.

I'm about the same amount of time out of mine as you are with yours.  A couple months back, I did sign up to a dating site and met several men.  A couple with red flags right off, but a few that were normal, fun, attractive people... .but there just wasn't that *spark* for me.  After a month or so I hid my profile, just not interested.

And I figure that is okay.  I got to get out there again and "practice" dating.  The men I met gave me a little bit of a shallow ego boost in that they were catches and interested in beaten down me. I just sense that my attachment tenticles are singed at the moment.  I'm emotionally bankrupt and therefore emotionally unavailable so I'm not really doing anyone a service by putting myself out there like that.

Please try not to worry about it.  I don't think it is that no one will ever compare to your ex.  I think it is possible you are just exhausted emotionally, still processing your last relationship on some level so are not yet emotionally available.  That will come!  Until then... .at least this is what I'm trying to do... .focus on making your life as interesting as you can.  You have freedom now that we don't typically get when we are in relationships and need to consider another person.  That will NOT last forever, so maybe just take a break and come back to it in a month or two?

[Waifed]

I think you are just not ready to date. Therapy will help for sure. My therapist told me I will not have that feeling again because what you experienced was the unconditional love of a young child. You are months ahead of me in time. I do believe therapy has helped me a ton.  I am doing it for me and my future. She is no longer the focus of the therapy at all.

[jollygreen]

Hey crazytrain, it was just shy of three years. The last year we lived together and saw each other every day as you can imagine. This definitely helped contribute to attachment issues.

Your quote "I'm emotionally bankrupt and therefore emotionally unavailable so I'm not really doing anyone a service by putting myself out there like that." this is exactly how I feel but keep saying to myself "well maybe next week."

Waifed, I don't think I've thought of that perspective "what you experienced was the unconditional love of a young child." it makes sense. I don't have a child to take care of and focus on any more. That should be liberating, but of course here we are. Therapy has always been one of those things where I think I can figure things out on my own. But I know that's not possible.

[HarmKrakow]

Will it be difficult to hear that you might never get such a warm intoxicating relationship ever again?

[Clearmind]

Jolly, firstly our healing is not linear and we will take a few steps back every now and then. When that happened to me, I turned my focus to what was going on my life at that point and work through my faulty thinking. 99.9% of cases it had nothing to do with my ex. I would again recite 5 deal breakers my ex did that I could never go back to.

Connection! Well my friend - you and i will never have that connection again like we did with our ex - and that is a wonderful thing - because it was a fantasy that could never last. Real love lasts, fantasy, as we came to realize was a complete farce!

Finding real love takes time and connection sometimes comes or it doesn't - but its never instant. Be patient with yourself. If you are after instant fireworks and bonfires then we maybe have some more work to do on ourselves - because - it usually means we are needing to fill a void rather than have someone join us.

Dare greatly Jolly - feel the fear and vulnerabilities and jump in anyway. What have you got to loose if you open yourself up! Its our lack of opening up that got us into dating a Borderline. Who ever needs to be vulnerable if someone is idealizing us - we can't put a foot wrong in those initial stages... .this was not real.

Change your perception of what love is, what a connection means and the world of dating will open right up to you. If we have worth we don't look for Cinderella and the coachmen (or in my case Prince Charming) - we look for real and sometimes real is not always perfect - but its balanced, fun, drama free and relaxing, where a person does not need to change you or you them ---> acceptance.

[Accepting]

After past recycles I tried online dating and went on dates with some perfectly viable people (and some weirdos -  ) but it didn't make me feel better. It made me miss my guy more - and made it easier for me to run back to him when he came calling. This time I'm turned off the 'search' for someone new. I'm focusing on putting all my energy in to feeling good within - and then I'm hoping that one day in the future, someone with a natural connection will fall across my path. I think searching to fill the void they left is dangerous - cos you are searching for an intense connection to match the one they have taken away - yet if you met someone naturally, perhaps the connection would form over time and hence be much healthier - it would grow and come out of the blue, over the course of time maybe. I think this is maybe the way real love is meant to happen - not forced, not searched for... .but 'just happening'... .I know that failed dates only make me feel sick and like I want him back... .I feel good for having tried in the past and for having put myself out there and for meeting people... .but since this last split, which seems so much more final, I have a strong urge to focus my energies within and try to be happy just being me. It is kind of nice and relaxing after all, not being part of a couple... .just chilling, doing your every day stuff. I think it is also more fair on a future partner if I allow time to heal me first from this experience rather than bringing it in to something new. My ex is on an online dating site atm, seeing him on there makes me weary of the health of people on online dating. I know there's plenty of healthy minded people who use the medium, but it also leads me to feel that it is a good way for people to mask their issues and to portray themselves as who they want you to see, not who they are. Meeting naturally, in real life, is far harder - I personally don't meet a lot of singles that way - but I think seeing as it's such a rarity to come in to contact with someone who's really compatible, then allowing it to happen naturally is the way to go - the time will come when we least expect    

[HarmKrakow]

After past recycles I tried online dating and went on dates with some perfectly viable people (and some weirdos -  ) but it didn't make me feel better. It made me miss my guy more - and made it easier for me to run back to him when he came calling. This time I'm turned off the 'search' for someone new. I'm focusing on putting all my energy in to feeling good within - and then I'm hoping that one day in the future, someone with a natural connection will fall across my path. I think searching to fill the void they left is dangerous - cos you are searching for an intense connection to match the one they have taken away - yet if you met someone naturally, perhaps the connection would form over time and hence be much healthier - it would grow and come out of the blue, over the course of time maybe. I think this is maybe the way real love is meant to happen - not forced, not searched for... .but 'just happening'... .I know that failed dates only make me feel sick and like I want him back... .I feel good for having tried in the past and for having put myself out there and for meeting people... .but since this last split, which seems so much more final, I have a strong urge to focus my energies within and try to be happy just being me. It is kind of nice and relaxing after all, not being part of a couple... .just chilling, doing your every day stuff. I think it is also more fair on a future partner if I allow time to heal me first from this experience rather than bringing it in to something new. My ex is on an online dating site atm, seeing him on there makes me weary of the health of people on online dating. I know there's plenty of healthy minded people who use the medium, but it also leads me to feel that it is a good way for people to mask their issues and to portray themselves as who they want you to see, not who they are. Meeting naturally, in real life, is far harder - I personally don't meet a lot of singles that way - but I think seeing as it's such a rarity to come in to contact with someone who's really compatible, then allowing it to happen naturally is the way to go - the time will come when we least expect    

Is there not some sort of acceptance that you will never find the bond you found with the BPDer in your life and that having to settle for 'less', is not a problem?

[Accepting]

Is there not some sort of acceptance that you will never find the bond you found with the BPDer in your life and that having to settle for 'less', is not a problem?

I think what I'm (hopefully I can stick to this    ) starting to have an acceptance for in that regard, is that the bond I felt with 'him' was intense but almost 'cheap' - like, it was intense and I felt like I was in blissful moments stuck frozen in time when I was with him... .but that these were often fleeting and maybe caused by heightened emotions - the craziness of it all meant that I was growing accustomed to clinging to the moments he allowed me 'in', to be close to him... .

I have once tried to settle 'for less' with a lovely, genuine guy - before my BPD relationship. I'd had a previous long term relationship where he had issues we could not resolve so we split - and after this I dated a really nice guy who had similar goals and aspirations for life and love - but alas, I was not in love and I couldn't keep seeing him. So, from this experience, I know I can never 'settle' - I have to feel genuine connection and spark - but I feel as though there is a loving, down to earth, excited but real kind of spark I'm yet to experience - that is not the same as the blindsiding spark felt with my BPD ex. I just think that life for me has always got better - every thing that happened in the past that felt awful at the time lead me to learning and growing and in hindsight I'd never forgo those experiences no matter how painful - cos they lead me to what happened next - and I'm having faith that this too will be like that. That one day I'll be able to say that this love I felt and 'shared' with 'him' was a stepping stone to something happier and greater again.

I guess this is what makes me feel separate from him... .my ability to keep looking forward even in times of adversity - trying to see positive light in the darkness... .trying to learn from life and appreciate that I do not know what it has in store for me. Don't get me wrong, I still cry for him, I still hurt deeply inside - it's only a month since I saw him for what I feel will be the last time... .but I still wake happy to be me, to have my life and to have all the great things that many others would be over the moon to have - the bare simple necessities, warmth, food, a loving family... .I try always to be grateful and that is something I want to feel re him - grateful not regretting having ever met him.

[alliance]

The beginning stages with a person with BPD is like living in a fantasy. It is your television/movie fantasy in human form. It is intoxicating, and invigorating, and passionate, and exciting. It makes you feel alive, desired, worthy, important, and a whole lot of stuff in a way you only dreamed was possible.

Until it isn't.

I suspect returning to the dating scene is difficult for 2 reasons. One, fear of running into another person who will turn our life upside down. The other, we want the things the BPD exposed us to but with a healthy, normal person.

The hardest thing for me, has been realizing that normal and healthy is pretty boring and mundane in the scheme of things.

 

[Accepting]

I kinda feel like maybe I built him up in my head and he wasn't oh so great afterall. The intensity was there, for sure... .the chemistry was out of this world... .but I'm wondering if that can not be beaten by having a sense of reciprocated commitment - joy - pleasure in feeling stability - just someone you can feel partnership with.

I don't want to feel like with him goes the last I'll ever feel such bliss. Cos that is not a nice thought - I think it's not healthy to allow them to have so much say/sway/control in our future happiness. It's like they're still holding the reigns then - even though we're no longer with them.