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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: My BPDw's karma  (Read 488 times)
Samuel S.
Formerly Sensitive Man
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1153


« on: October 26, 2013, 08:56:39 AM »

My BPDw, with all of her positive things going on in her life from getting so-called therapy to pursuing a new career, was and has been negative, degrading, and selfish. It finally has come back to haunt her. With a change in management, she is reliant on another woman with whom she has worked. That woman, now in a position of power, feels she can dictate what others can do based on how she arranges the work schedule. Beforehand, it was much better with the previous manager asking the workers. My BPDw came home last night complaining about how awful this new manager is and how my BPDw could also make things very difficult by revealing the negative, dishonest things that the new manager has done. I said that would be "dirty pool" which she didn't like. My BPDw began crying. I comforted her by validating what she was feeling, that this new manager's actions are not humane. Then, my BPDw said that she would figure it out how to make it work under the circumstances. While I was genuine in my validating, reflecting on what happened in the past and what is happening to her now, this is my BPDw's karma for all of the negativity that she has sprung onto me and onto others. She kept on saying that this new manager is going to get her karma. While all of this emotional trauma has merit and while this should not happen to anybody, it is like one bully acting against another bully in her work situation or just adding fuel to the fire.

While all of this is going on, I have a medical concern which I am somewhat concerned about, but I am not willing to share with her just yet, because I don't know for sure. About 15 years ago, I had a benign tumor removed from my neck. Within the last 6 months, I have been feeling some discomfort, but not pain, from that area. I also have a discoloration of my lower lip but mostly inside of it. So, I informed my dentist and now my doctor who said it may be due to my medications or may be cancer. I am seeing a dermatologist next month, and we will take it from there. I have told my closest friends and relatives about this, but not my BPDw, because she is not capable of being compassionate or validating. Again, she is selfish. I'll let you folks know when I know. In the meantime, I have so many positive things that I am focusing on, like teaching, tutoring, writing, giving workshops, and even a TV pilot. So, I am focusing all of my positive energy in those enjoyable events in my life much more so.
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 394



« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2013, 11:05:22 AM »

Hello Samuel,

Just wanted to send you a  . Sorry you have some health concerns - I am glad you are getting it sorted. It is so difficult when you need support and don't get it from your partner. I think we all know that feeling here. Am glad you have some good friends around you.

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Samuel S.
Formerly Sensitive Man
*******
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1153


« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2013, 11:30:48 PM »

Well, I made a mistake this evening. Out of sheer desire to share with my BPDw about my lip concern and neck discomfort, I decided to tell her that I am seeing a dermatologist in mid-November. For a split second, she was receptive to what I was saying. Then, she started laughing, saying that due to her studies of acupuncture, that she could analyze what I am dealing with. Then, she momentarily apologized, but it was one of those apologies that did not really have any substance. You see, if she hadn't said anything, then, there wouldn't be any need to apologize.  Again, if she can talk about herself, it is okay. If she can analyze situations or people, then, she can be very sterile and heartless. If this would be happening with her instead and if I were to laugh her off, she would become very emotional with crying and being angry. Again, I made a mistake sharing with her, because she obviously is not empathetic.
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lonelyh1
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: mARRIED
Posts: 71



« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2013, 08:40:49 AM »

I certainly understand karma.  Eventually what we do, does affect the environment(people) around us and the environment then has an impact on the person that created it.

I have had some health issues recently.  My uBPDw moved states to start a new job , one she wanted to do very much.  So I supported her and quit my decade long job to move with her. A job which I loved ,and I worked with people that loved me back.  She was so happy for a while.

Then out of the blue she tells me. 

":)ue to my new job,  I can not support you , even if you are dying in hospital, you have to die alone."  I have no idea where this came from as I had no need of any support.   Other than the fact it was designed to make me sad. 

I think some times it helps her to see me devastated. 

I wish the best for you.  I hope it turns out to be nothing major.  But either way, I do recommend finding some one that can support you emotional. 

Take care

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lonelyh1
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Relationship status: mARRIED
Posts: 71



« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2013, 08:42:32 AM »

I cant modify the above post.

But What I meant was that you should look to a friend or family member or co-worker to get the emotional support you need.

I was not advocating leaving for another.  That is decision only you can make for your self.
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Samuel S.
Formerly Sensitive Man
*******
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1153


« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2013, 10:43:49 PM »

Lonelyh1, I can't think of anything else so devastating and so unbelievable as what she said to you. I agree with you that it was her intention to make you feel devastated. I sincerely do hope you are getting the necessary medical attention that you deserve, no matter what she says or does. How hurtful! I am so very sorry for your emotional pain you have experienced! That's awful!

Last year, I was in the hospital 3 different times for 15 days totally due to blood clot issues. The second stay was the longest at 7 days. At first, my BPDw was very nice, bringing me books, etc. By the third day, she was stressed that I was still in the hospital. She had the nerve to come to my bedside to say the following: "you know this is going to cost us a lot of money." There was no mention about how I was feeling or what the doctors had said. I was tired both emotionally and physically already. So, I didn't even look at her afterwards. She left. Then, one of the nurses came in, asked how I was doing, and I started to cry. That's when I revealed about the hell I have been going through. The next day, I talked with a social worker who advised couple counseling, but my BPDw said no. UGH!

As for my medical things going on, I am concerned, but I am doing my best to keep myself busy with positive people and activities.

I just wish all of us nonBPDs had the emotional support and compassion from our SOs. It sure would make life easier for us! Yes, Lonelyh1, I do have a lot of friends and relatives with whom I talk and visit, and they are my life savers!

BTW, my BPDw actually asked me today how my day was today. I said okay, but it's hard to trust, because she is erratic based on her mood!
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