Others who don't understand your situation

[Forestaken]

Going through a high conflict divorce with s2bxw, spending thousands of dollars,

2 kids in college, spending hundreds of dollars

My brother and sister expect me to go 1/3 of the expenses for family get togethers. I tell I don't have it.  They are unsupported because they don't understand, listen or care.

Part of the issue was I burned alot of bridges with family due to my s2bx demands.

[ForeverDad]

It is what it is.  The past is water over the dam, that can't be retrieved or redone.  Going forward you can be clear with your siblings that you are now aware of what you're dealing with as you unwind the marriage, won't neglect or avoid them any more due to ex's demands, but your finances are limited now.  Maybe later or in a few years.

How they respond is up to them.  Hopefully they will understand and make allowances for your financial limitations for the next few years.  If not, well, you tried, accept it and Let Go of any unwarranted feelings of obligation or guilt.*  You know that you'll do what you can and when you can.  The rest is up to them.  You can stand straight and walk tall even if they don't agree or still bear grudges.

* F.O.G. = Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

In another post you mentioned your ex had snagged a large sum of money from a joint account.  That's why we advise our members to avoid keeping excess money in joint accounts, it is just too tempting for one party to raid the accounts.  We know you wouldn't do it, but acting-out disordered people have no compunction from doing things we would never even ponder doing.  Even if we did take too much, we would always say, ":)on't worry, when the financials are reconciled or settled later, it will get straightened out."

That's what you need to do... .when the financials are reconciled or settled, often near the end of the case, ensure that what she took is documented in the accounting so that it will get straightened out and you will be credited back for your portion of those funds.  However, the odds are high that if you settle then the other side will just want to ignore what she did as though it never happened.  You may never get the cash back, that would be an uphill struggle, but probably you could deduct it from other assets that she would otherwise be getting.

[Turkish]

In another post you mentioned your ex had snagged a large sum of money from a joint account.  That's why we advise our members to avoid keeping excess money in joint accounts, it is just too tempting for one party to raid the accounts.  We know you wouldn't do it, but acting-out disordered people have no compunction from doing things we would never even ponder doing.  Even if we did take too much, we would always say, ":)on't worry, when the financials are reconciled or settled later, it will get straightened out."

When I found out about my BPDex's affair, I started using the joint account for all of my day to day things, which I didn't previously (I usually made the minimum transactions to qualify to get interest, and then reimbursed from my account).

Other than a few transactions for the household (diapers, housing supplies), she has kept her word to not raid it. But we verbally agreed that it would be part of her "seed" fund to get an apartment. I am lucky I never had to really worry about financial compulsiveness with her. My co-worker wasn't so lucky with his likely BPD ex. He had to divorce her or they would have literally ended up on the street. She was BAD.

[Forestaken]

In another post you mentioned your ex had snagged a large sum of money from a joint account.  That's why we advise our members to avoid keeping excess money in joint accounts, it is just too tempting for one party to raid the accounts.  We know you wouldn't do it, but acting-out disordered people have no compunction from doing things we would never even ponder doing.  Even if we did take too much, we would always say, ":)on't worry, when the financials are reconciled or settled later, it will get straightened out."

That's what you need to do... .when the financials are reconciled or settled, often near the end of the case, ensure that what she took is documented in the accounting so that it will get straightened out and you will be credited back for your portion of those funds.  However, the odds are high that if you settle then the other side will just want to ignore what she did as though it never happened.  You may never get the cash back, that would be an uphill struggle, but probably you could deduct it from other assets that she would otherwise be getting.

I always thought that legally those accounts shouldn't be touched. 

[ForeverDad]

I always thought that legally those accounts shouldn't be touched.

Well, you do need money to live on.  Not excuse for draining accounts, but... .  However, courts seem to be reluctant to make a huge issue of it, possibly because they know that toward the end of the case the financials will be calculated and adjustments can be made then.  But if the other person has already spent the money then that leaves you owed money or assets that the court may not be inclined to enforce repayment.

It can also be a case of "The poorly behaving person seldom gets consequences and the properly behaving person rarely gets credit."  If you did it, though, you might get consequences.  Not fair but.