She wants to end it

[antlen]

I split up with my ex 7 months ago, we were going through alot of changes at the time.  she was pregnant, we'd just moved and got engaged.  I was struggling with becoming a dad for the first time.  7 months went past with little contact, only things we talked about was baby.

After she'd given birth and I'd met the baby, we started to chat again just as friends first.  Then one day all the feelings I had for her came flooding back.  I told and at first she said she didnt understand and didnt feel the same.  Needless to say I was gutted and seeing her every week became unbearable. 

We carried on talking and we were getting on great, then one day I suggest we go out for the night and she agrees.  A few days later she tells me she's got a surprise for me, after giving me hints for a few days we go out for the evening and have a lovely time.  At the end of the evening she tells me that my surprise is that she still loves me and wants to try again! I'm over the moon, ive been thinking about this for months.

We start out dating again and everything is going great.  We've been honest about eachother and discussed everything that went on between us when we split up.  We've had a couple of issues but they have been sorted out.

The other whilst at work i heard a story from a co-worker who has been going through a pretty crap time and it made me think of my partner and how happy I am that we've managed to put everything behind us and are giving it another.  I call her in the evening and begin to tell her the story, but screwed up my words pretty bad and she got really annoyed (quite rightly).

ever since then, shes been saying she can't do this anymore and that she doesn't want me and her to be together anymore and that she can't risk the kids getting hurt again.  I totally understand this and respect this, but I have been working on my issues for the past 7 months and know atleast from my side things will be different, no matter what I say she maintains this isnt what she wants.  That she doesn't want to hurt me and wishes that we worked but we dont.

Part of me wants to convince her that we do but the other part knows I need to give her time and space.  How do other people deal with the pushing and pulling?

I'm so proud of how much better she's doing with kids and wouldn't do anything to ruin that but at the same time I know we're very good together.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi antlen

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with the push/pull.  Sounds like your girlfriend is feeling engulfed within the relationship.

Do you have visitation rights?  How often do you see your child?

Hang in there... . 

[allibaba]

Hi Antlen,



The push/ pull is hard.  At some point, we come to terms with the fact that we don't have control over that.

In the interim, I have found most success - letting my BPD know that I love him and then giving him the space that he needs to feel comfortable.

I hope that this helps.

Alli

[antlen]

I see my daughter atleast a couple of times a week. My partner is very good when it comes to that. I am on the birth certificate so if anything changes I have that in my favour.

I'm just going to tell her I love her and then give her some space.

[antlen]

Hi alli,

I had a moment of realisation earlier, I can only tell her how I feel once. Do it to many times and it will push her away, she has to make her own decisions.

It's hard but as I'm in this for the long term, I've got to show her i respect her decisions

[allibaba]

Hi Antlen,

This is actually really common for BPDs.  I find it to be a fine balance.  I don't say 'I love you' a million times to my husband in a day because he starts to be suspicious... .I also don't avoid saying it more than once just because I might trigger him. 

I used to believe that if I managed 'things' in our relationship well enough that I would someday find a place where I wouldn't trigger him.  Now I understand that his triggers are his responsibility.  Not matter how much I would walk on eggshells - if he felt like going off of the rails then he would do it.  I have a long history with my husband and things had started to go SOUTH badly.  Years of placating his every whim + some outside stressors led us to a very bad place and I realized that I needed to change things for us.

I started with the lessons ---->  (on the right)

If you haven't started taking a look at those - I highly recommend them.  At a minimum they have saved my sanity.  Ultimately they may save my marriage.

A good place to start is the video about 'before you can make things better... .you have to stop making them worse.'

We're really, really happy you are here.

It's hard but as I'm in this for the long term, I've got to show her i respect her decisions

This shows a lot of wisdom on your part! 

Welcome again.