Looking for support please

[LivingLearning]

Hey,

So I met with my ex today by her request. I thought a lot about it, and decided I wanted to face my fears. Face why i let stuff bother me.

There was no drama. We talked as friends. And yet I left feeling bad that she sounds like she's doing well, or says she is. Yet I still see a rapid speech and some form of disconnection I can't describe. So why does it irk me she's so social and probably flirting a lot.

Why if I'm clear I don't want to be with her, do I care? I do think she was abusive to me. And yet that was only because we were intimate. Now she is not.

I'm really frustrated with myself for feeling this.

[ShadowDancer]

Jealousy. It is a dangerous and infectious thing. One rotten apple will turn the whole barrel bad. Stop meeting with her and these "up-DATES" won't happen.

The rapid speech is she is repeating her rehearsed lines in character. You were in the play. It's called "It's all about MiMi". You were a prop and she was dress rehearsing. Sounds like she nailed it.

[LivingLearning]

I like that notion of a "play". That feels right in some ways, and feels like a part of what I'm realizing feels fake. So I was pretty quiet in our mtg. The more I observe the better it feels.

And on clarification: I had sad she's not intimate, what I meant or what I wrote and was autocorrected by my phone was "we aren't intimate". As in, now that things arent intimate, she's not abusive so in frustrated I still haven't gotten over it.

Your advice to stop meeting with her... .hmm... .maybe I will now.

I just want to do that (not meet) out of want, not fear.

[ShadowDancer]

Living,

if fear works... .USE IT! And I use the play analogy for a very good reason. It starts as a love story, becomes a melodrama rather quickly, and before you know it is a tragedy in full epic proportions. Then in the end you will realize the comedy of it all.

[frag1911]

Living, I have to agree with Shadow, but I look at it as a game for our BPDs.  They want to win at all costs to raise them self up, but everyone else has to pay for it. 

I just ended my BPD relationship today.  I'm bitter and angry; bitter towards her and angry at myself.  I know that I will not want any contact with her, and I'm sure that at some point I will weaken and think about it.  My test will come.  I hope I ace it.

I hope you're doing good, and decide on your strengths.

[LivingLearning]

This is good for me. Thanks.

Fear. I see it as meaning im weak. But It's interesting to revisit it as something healthy. Still, my trouble with that is this... .she's manipulative, can put me down, and lies. She's also really fun, and at times admits her faults. When she says stuff to me, it seems it's my problem if i let bother me.

I guess that's the thing that's really getting me. Why the f do inlet it bother me? And that's the key I figure. I'm no stranger to therapy, but this still is amazing to me. That it bothers me. I think I still have something to learn.

   And yeah, maybe it's to call billhit. To stay away. To move on. Wow... .maybe it is.

[Learning_curve74]

if fear works... .USE IT! And I use the play analogy for a very good reason. It starts as a love story, becomes a melodrama rather quickly, and before you know it is a tragedy in full epic proportions. Then in the end you will realize the comedy of it all.

We have a role in the play too. However, we have the freedom to flip the script and author a different play.