animals cruelty, treats anyone ?

[necchi]

I'm going to post my story soon but just cant find the strength,or patience right now, talking is so much simpler than writing it.

Anyone experienced sick love one w/BPD using your loved pet has bait so you do has tell... .strangling? Throwing? Hurting over the phone ?

[necchi]

Please tell me how did i put my children's and animals through this and still show feelings and empathy for this woman ? I feel so ashamed ...

[Lady31]

I'm not a big pet person, so didn't have pets for my exh to use as bait to get me to do anything.

HOWEVER - HE had different pets and was abusive towards them on different occasions.  "Body Slamming" (sometimes on it's head) the dog(s), raging/screaming at them, kicking/punching.  Has thrown the smaller ones across room that I know of.

Had a pet chicken (long story) and flung it through the air once.  Also, heard him yelling at the litter of puppies that were constantly crawling everywhere and whimpering "If you don't stop it and shut the f**k up I'm going to step on and crush you f**cking heads!" (Said in extreme rage.)

Yeah - the more I actually remember and type or verbalize these instances the more I see how sick and dangerous my exh really was.  

[connect]

Hi Marinro7,

Sorry you are struggling with this.

You sound like this is eating you up and I dont blame you one little bit. You sound like you do love your pets. I am also a huge animal lover and my BPDbf being cruel to a pet would definately make me take some action and also walk away from him.

So you want to maintain some sort of r/s with your pwBPD? But you dont want to subject your pets to any harm? Well you could do both. Your pets are innocent animals who deserve better and unfortunately they have no choice but to "stay" (like some of us co-dependant nons who had abusive childhoods had to stay in the family home.

So a suggestion for you.

Get the pets out of the house - get them to a friend, get them to a shelter. Domestic violence centres may have resources for looking after pets and may be able to help. Not saying you have DV but they would know of temporary help I am sure. Get them safe.

If your partner has the pets you could report them to the relevant authorities.

tell a friend family member who could help.

Do this under the guise of "the pets are too much for you right now" or simply "I wont allow the animals to be treated like this"

Do it when the pwBPD is at work?

Just some ideas. You will probably get an extinction type burst from your pwBPD but I am sure they would recover from this. Anyone in my book who is cruel to animals is so far gone down a bad route that I cant see they would miss a pet that much to even make a fuss.

Remove the pets and cruelty from the equation and then you can work on your own issues on feeling empathy for your pwBPD. If we know about the cruelty then I firmly believe that unless we stop it then we are allowing it to continue. You will have a clearer mind if you can take this out of your dealings with your pwBPD. It is obviousley upsetting you 

[Clearmind]

marinro7, can the pets go to a good home for a while? Boundaries need to be set around this.

[Waifed]

My ex slowly succeeded in limiting my time with my kids.  It makes me sick to think that I was that horrible of a father to my kiddos towards the end of the relationship.  My ex-wife was so disappointed in my behavior and had to make excuses for me to my kids.  Appalling. My reality was so screwed up the last year of the relationship.  It was all just a blur looking back.  I would never want to have to go through even half of what went on during that time.  It does make me smile knowing that she is probably going to live that way the rest of her life.  I pity the poor fools that she will destroy over the rest of her life.

[RecycledNoMore]

We had a dog, he was beautiful, so beautiful, my ex and I werent living together, so it was really his dog, he was the first dog Id ever spent time with, I fell in love with him instantly, Id always had cats, but this little boy, actually he turned out to be huge, he was so funny, he had the sweetest personality, still a puppy even though he weighed about 30kgs,his name was Loki, he was a menace, typical puppy, ripped everthing to shreads, the ex tried to train him, but would always get frustrated when Loki wouldnt do as he was told, so ususally the ex would kick or hit him, it would sicken me, we had alot of arguments over his treatment of Loki.When wed fight Loki would always try to protect me, if Id succesfully made it out of the house, Loki would try to follow, and hed end up getting a kicking, so id go back to comfort him,the ex would be ranting and raving, I didnt care as long as I could hold Loki, anyway, when the ex went to work, Loki would be tied up, one day the ex got home, he textd me and said that Loki was sick, I went over there straight away, Loki was "droopy" he could hardly stand, wouldnt eat, just sat next to me, with his huge head in my lap, the next day, he started bleeding, from his bottom, we took him to the vet, he died in there, at the vet, all alone, I was destroyed.The vet said he died of internal bleeding, we asked what could have caused this, she said either a blow or blows to his abdomen or maybe ingesting something like rat poison, the ex straight away blamed a guy who he was having a long running argument with, claimed that he must have beat him up or poisened him, he raged, sent furious txts,I was distraught, numb nauseaus, crying, and he raged.We buried Loki in the back yard.

The next day, the ex went right out and got a new puppy, Loki was replaced.He called her girl, she was so cute but I couldnt connect with her because I was grieving for Loki.

Needless to say, she got the same treatment,poor girl would urinate everywhere out of fear, I tried to stop him, tried to turn his anger on me so he wouldnt hurt her, this was around about the time I found out about BPD,I was at a crossroads in my life where I could take no more, I broke up with the ex, but girl was left behind,he ring and I would ignore him, 130 missed calls un a day, hundreds of txts, txts to my daughters phone, hed get his sister to call and say that girl was bleeding, I still ignored, the next day he text n said to please come, that girl had been burnt, what the heck? I went, she looked wretched, large patches all over her back, around her neck, I was sick, he said hed been making a pot of noodles, and girl had bumped him, and that hed taken her to the vet, and gotten cream etc fukn bulls*** , I went home, called the spca, but girl wasnt even registered, and how could they proove anything?

I got the reatraining order soon after that,the ex informed me that girl had been put down, whatever that means, said it was my fault, because he wouldnt have had to leave town if I didnt get the r/ s.

I still feel sick today, the guilt over Loki and girl eats me up inside, if only this, if only that.

If

[EdR]

I think this depends on the BPD individual. Maybe it also has to do with being the rage or silent type.

I know 'she' is very good with animals. She is very attached to her cat. I thought this was quite standard though   (as pets can't really let them down, or can make them feel emotional intimacy. So they never get triggered).

[LaSuede]

Recycled no more,

I am devastated reading your post. I understand your if that, if so... .I am doing it on a daily basis. To me it feels like you did what you could... .This is the harm a pwBPD does. We have to, or let ourselves, experience things that are way over our boundaries. We have to, or let ourselves, be present in situations and abuse that we never thought we would accept. The guilt, of course, gets overwhelming. And as a fixer, healer, codependent person the guilt is already one of the strongest reasons why I have let myself into a relationship like with my pwBPDexbf... .so the guilt is a catch 22 somehow. Do you have councelling... ? Some T to talk to? I guess those experience can be traumatic, without even have loved the dogs as much as you did. It's so typical that you preferred to be violated before the dogs, I guess it's like me and my kids (no my ex never violated them, but he put them in front of very traumatic situations). Because somehow my biggest guilt is that I "choosed" this man... .for this family of ours... .the difference for me is that I can heal by saying: "I can not let this continue anymore, for my kids (of which the smallest is also his)." Which for sure was the first step out of the relationship. With the dogs for you, what could you do? It was his dogs. You tried to report... .I truly believe you need to get the guilt off your chest. You are worth that.

Concerning the actual BPD+animals, I really agree with EdR. My ex was healing when around animals. He saved street cats... .the issue was, he could never really care for them, so it in one sense got "abusive". And once he told me he had a cat that was extremely afraid of the vacuum cleaner and he just could not let go of chasing her with it... .thought it was funny... .He was bitten severely by a dog when he was 3 years. He had hugged the dog so hard it bit him. He sort of knew it was his fault and felt bad when the dog got taken to be killed. In some way I think he saw himself like that dog. Misunderstood. That with animals he could reach that concern towards another creature. The thing was when it turned into "relationship" it did not work... .my oldest son wanted a hamster. I said no, since I knew it would end up be me taking care of it. My ex said: "of course we should have a hamster, me and D (my son) will take care of her!" I remember my heart melt at that point... .I loved him so much for being there and wanting my son the best. To have an animal he so much longed for.

Of course it did not take long at all, maybe days, when he did not care about the hamster. I fell in love with her (yes, I cried as h-ll when she died!javascript:void(0);!) , so it was not hard to care, but it was a bit the last I needed in the situation of life I was, and I was the one that had been realistic about it. I mean you can not even travel if having a hamster... .I struggled on and on some occasion I said: "Hey, was it not you who was suppose to feed and clean and take care of the hamster?" It came immediately: "Stop wining! I can strangle her if you want!" and when once said, it was a threat whenever I was tired of being the one baring everything... .I remember that "strangling" say hurt me more than some of the really abusive stuff. He never did anything, but just be able to say it... .Meanwhile I have seen him make abused dog melt in his arms... .very mixed up. I guess it's all about the "relation" towards the animal too... .the "responsibility". A stray-cat that you save, can not have it worse really, than it had, so you become a hero no matter... .

Ps. The hamster died symbolically on my birthday and I still feel guilt, cause I have this idea she was badly treated, not cared about the last weeks (I had had a bad, bad flu)... .so I called like 3 vets to check out what can have caused the death, asking questions to see if it was me... .Still feel its "all my fault".

Guilty personality + pwBPD = a perfect match, a perfectly bad one... .

[necchi]

Lol, sorry for my late follow-up,the pets are safe since a while.more then 3 years.

I no longer live with my ex... .Ok going back to all your posts i didn't read them all yet.

[ShadowDancer]

I damned near cried reading about Loki and Girl. :'( As the past manager of a county wide humane society it brought forth such deep feelings and profound regret. :'( I left that position with PTSD that was much more deep and disturbing than the BPD dissolution PTSD. Recovery IS slow and painful still... .two decades later. I was so young and idealistic then.

I do know one thing... .things I saw and things that I did there will surly haunt me the rest of my days on earth. I meant well... .I just did not really "know" what I was getting into... .I sort of lost faith in humans on a certain level as a result. One thought that has helped me along the road since, and a belief that I hold very dear is the knowing that    "All dogs go to heaven".

[RecycledNoMore]

Recycled no more,

I am devastated reading your post. I understand your if that, if so... .I am doing it on a daily basis. To me it feels like you did what you could... .This is the harm a pwBPD does. We have to, or let ourselves, experience things that are way over our boundaries. We have to, or let ourselves, be present in situations and abuse that we never thought we would accept. The guilt, of course, gets overwhelming. And as a fixer, healer, codependent person the guilt is already one of the strongest reasons why I have let myself into a relationship like with my pwBPDexbf... .so the guilt is a catch 22 somehow. Do you have councelling... ? Some T to talk to? I guess those experience can be traumatic, without even have loved the dogs as much as you did. It's so typical that you preferred to be violated before the dogs, I guess it's like me and my kids (no my ex never violated them, but he put them in front of very traumatic situations). Because somehow my biggest guilt is that I "choosed" this man... .for this family of ours... .the difference for me is that I can heal by saying: "I can not let this continue anymore, for my kids (of which the smallest is also his)." Which for sure was the first step out of the relationship. With the dogs for you, what could you do? It was his dogs. You tried to report... .I truly believe you need to get the guilt off your chest. You are worth that.

Concerning the actual BPD+animals, I really agree with EdR. My ex was healing when around animals. He saved street cats... .the issue was, he could never really care for them, so it in one sense got "abusive". And once he told me he had a cat that was extremely afraid of the vacuum cleaner and he just could not let go of chasing her with it... .thought it was funny... .He was bitten severely by a dog when he was 3 years. He had hugged the dog so hard it bit him. He sort of knew it was his fault and felt bad when the dog got taken to be killed. In some way I think he saw himself like that dog. Misunderstood. That with animals he could reach that concern towards another creature. The thing was when it turned into "relationship" it did not work... .my oldest son wanted a hamster. I said no, since I knew it would end up be me taking care of it. My ex said: "of course we should have a hamster, me and D (my son) will take care of her!" I remember my heart melt at that point... .I loved him so much for being there and wanting my son the best. To have an animal he so much longed for.

Of course it did not take long at all, maybe days, when he did not care about the hamster. I fell in love with her (yes, I cried as h-ll when she died!javascript:void(0);!) , so it was not hard to care, but it was a bit the last I needed in the situation of life I was, and I was the one that had been realistic about it. I mean you can not even travel if having a hamster... .I struggled on and on some occasion I said: "Hey, was it not you who was suppose to feed and clean and take care of the hamster?" It came immediately: "Stop wining! I can strangle her if you want!" and when once said, it was a threat whenever I was tired of being the one baring everything... .I remember that "strangling" say hurt me more than some of the really abusive stuff. He never did anything, but just be able to say it... .Meanwhile I have seen him make abused dog melt in his arms... .very mixed up. I guess it's all about the "relation" towards the animal too... .the "responsibility". A stray-cat that you save, can not have it worse really, than it had, so you become a hero no matter... .

Ps. The hamster died symbolically on my birthday and I still feel guilt, cause I have this idea she was badly treated, not cared about the last weeks (I had had a bad, bad flu)... .so I called like 3 vets to check out what can have caused the death, asking questions to see if it was me... .Still feel its "all my fault".

Guilty personality + pwBPD = a perfect match, a perfectly bad one... .

I never, in a million years thought Id be the kind of woman who would let this happen,never, it just sort of crept up on me over the years, I had no boundries,and your right, even before the uBPDex, I had a guilty personality,we were the perfect match of dyfunction, I hear what your saying about your ex, teasing the cat with the vacum and thinking it was funny, mine also thought some very strange thingss were funny, like old people falling over and getting hurt... .crazy,my ex also had a strange fondness for cats, I hear you about the guilt, my ex never physically hurt my daughter, but once , exposed her to a traumatic experience, after that, I limited their contact dramatically, but I felt like you did la suede, I was the 1 who chose this man for our family, yet more guilt to add to the pile.

I Have just today recieved a letter through the courts about recieving councelling, I am so relieved, I really do need help, I havent thought about Loki and Girl for a while now, well, ive blocked it out really, so it was quite freeing to be able to say it here amongst you all, so thank you.

In regards to your hampster, I hope Shadow dancer is right in saying" all dogs go to heaven" Im sure theres plenty of room up there for a hampster too... .

Guilty personality+ uBPD= bad, very bad, sad but very true,thanks again.

[RecycledNoMore]

I damned near cried reading about Loki and Girl. :'( As the past manager of a county wide humane society it brought forth such deep feelings and profound regret. :'( I left that position with PTSD that was much more deep and disturbing than the BPD dissolution PTSD. Recovery IS slow and painful still... .two decades later. I was so young and idealistic then.

I do know one thing... .things I saw and things that I did there will surly haunt me the rest of my days on earth. I meant well... .I just did not really "know" what I was getting into... .I sort of lost faith in humans on a certain level as a result. One thought that has helped me along the road since, and a belief that I hold very dear is the knowing that    "All dogs go to heaven".

how on earth did you cope with a job like that? I can only imagine thr terrible things you had to witness and do? I admire you tremendously for taking on that role, im not surprised at all you ended up with PTSD... .

[RecycledNoMore]

Lol, sorry for my late follow-up,the pets are safe since a while.more then 3 years.

I no longer live with my ex... .Ok going back to all your posts i didn't read them all yet.

So glad your pets are ok marino, finally a silver lining:)

[necchi]

Back then i had 3 cats and a chiwawa, and i still have them, everyone were telling me to bring them to the spa or had all kinds of wonderful ideas. When i get a pet its for life, and i am not the master of their lives so getting "rid" of them was no options for me. In the end i saved then all. My 3cats are over 15 yrs old and my chichi is 4.

so this said, how can we still love those monsters?    Th BPD i mean

[RecycledNoMore]

I know! How can we " still love these monsters"?, I suppose thats why im here, to figure out why and how to shore up my defences etc, so it will NEVER happen again, looking back on it now, it all ses so surreal, like im watching a horror movie, I just cant believe how it all got so bad,even when I post things, I read it back to myself, sometimes im just astounded,I never thought I would let this happen to me, shadow said something to me in another thread, " this too shall pass" I have to believe that, I have to carry on, for my daughter, and myself.

[Changingman]

I love dogs, i've had some over the years but didn't want any new ones at the time. I had been living with my uBPDxgf for a year and she said lets get dogs... .No I said we need to be more stable (HA, funniest thing I ever said) in our relationship, dogs are 10-15 years with you. She went on and on about it, showing me internet ads with dogs constantly, this was done in a sweet and caring way. I finally relented thinking she was really commiting to our RS. Within 3 months she had lost interest in them and I was caring full time for them and their condition/walks/nuitering /training became a constant discussion, I started saying if you want the dogs Nuitered,... .you take them... I knew she wouldn't. ... .take them training, they fight all the time... .not after she left, then they calmed down, it was shocking they were suffering under her condition as well. When she left she knew one of the dogs was deaf and would bite strangers, so she had to be put down and the other adopted into a lovely family. She never asked or cared about their fate at all, I text her when at the vets before putting the dog down, for her closure... .nothing. (she might have been in bed with her new BF).

Nothing, cut off like 4 years were erased from her mind, and repeating the beginning of all her RS, you are amazing I'm so sexual etc etc control, control, control.

They are the stinkiest people I know

They Stink up the room, relationships, people and dogs.

roughly 10% of BPDs successfully commit suicide.

[ShadowDancer]

I damned near cried reading about Loki and Girl. :'( As the past manager of a county wide humane society it brought forth such deep feelings and profound regret. :'( I left that position with PTSD that was much more deep and disturbing than the BPD dissolution PTSD. Recovery IS slow and painful still... .two decades later. I was so young and idealistic then.

I do know one thing... .things I saw and things that I did there will surly haunt me the rest of my days on earth. I meant well... .I just did not really "know" what I was getting into... .I sort of lost faith in humans on a certain level as a result. One thought that has helped me along the road since, and a belief that I hold very dear is the knowing that    "All dogs go to heaven".

how on earth did you cope with a job like that? I can only imagine thr terrible things you had to witness and do? I admire you tremendously for taking on that role, im not surprised at all you ended up with PTSD... .

Cope? If puking each and every morning before the work day is coping, well I guess we do what we have to in making it thru another day. Fake it till you make would be the order of the day then. I would then admonish each new owner with, "there is only ONE guarantee in all of this and that is one day he/she is going to break your heart, cherish and appreciate each day together until that time comes". What I brutally learned was in some humans that heart does not exist. That is the reality, and all good things about them and in them suffers. The animals... .us... .everything. Nothing is "sacred" in those empty chambers. And then there is us... .we the lucky and fortunate and blessed in our pains of the heart... .stand in witness, as difficult as that may seem to us now, in this moment, to admit that stark reality.

Today I will never find a "peace" with what I've done then in that most noble attempt of the heart, even with the intentions I had I was helpless as much then as I am now. Each and every eye that closed, each and every last breath taken, each and every last moment will be forever etched upon my heart and burned into my conscience and I can only answer to me alone in that. Much like the scars in common we all attempt to share and reconcile on these boards. A very private regret. A familiar pain. It is difficult for mere words to express. A certain sadness in our own helplessness in the whirlwinds of the holocaust is never avoided or forgotten. Time only softens the memory. It becomes a part of who we are regardless of our resolutions. I tend to see it as a process. I try to learn from my regrets as opposed to simply dwelling on them. I did then with the what I knew, now that I know better, I do better.

In spite of all that I have been so very blessed as well. I today measure and gauge the times and stages of my life by the dogs and critters that have shared that frame of time with me. I have had some great and memorable adventures. I have had my heart broken blissfully. In that breaking I have learned to appreciate the simple blessings of time and the impermanence and imperfections of this life on earth. Some bridges are fallen down and some are still around. We put one foot in front of the other. We learn to endure of perish ourselves. Don't sweat the small stuff. Everybody suffers. And so it goes... .

[Suzn]

marinro7 I applaud your commitment to the care and love for your animals. This is a very sad story. I'm so sorry this happened. Animal cruelty is against the law where you live. It is also a very big red flag to possibly more serious diagnosis. We can not diagnose anyone here, you may want to check further into this behavior since you say you have children with this woman. Animal cruelty has been noted to be more prevalent in antisocial personality disorder, one of the characteristics is a lack of remorse. This goes for people as well as animals. 

Being coerced by someone by harming an animal is domestic abuse. This is about enforcing control over you.

[RecycledNoMore]

I damned near cried reading about Loki and Girl. :'( As the past manager of a county wide humane society it brought forth such deep feelings and profound regret. :'( I left that position with PTSD that was much more deep and disturbing than the BPD dissolution PTSD. Recovery IS slow and painful still... .two decades later. I was so young and idealistic then.

I do know one thing... .things I saw and things that I did there will surly haunt me the rest of my days on earth. I meant well... .I just did not really "know" what I was getting into... .I sort of lost faith in humans on a certain level as a result. One thought that has helped me along the road since, and a belief that I hold very dear is the knowing that    "All dogs go to heaven".

how on earth did you cope with a job like that? I can only imagine thr terrible things you had to witness and do? I admire you tremendously for taking on that role, im not surprised at all you ended up with PTSD... .

Cope? If puking each and every morning before the work day is coping, well I guess we do what we have to in making it thru another day. Fake it till you make would be the order of the day then. I would then admonish each new owner with, "there is only ONE guarantee in all of this and that is one day he/she is going to break your heart, cherish and appreciate each day together until that time comes". What I brutally learned was in some humans that heart does not exist. That is the reality, and all good things about them and in them suffers. The animals... .us... .everything. Nothing is "sacred" in those empty chambers. And then there is us... .we the lucky and fortunate and blessed in our pains of the heart... .stand in witness, as difficult as that may seem to us now, in this moment, to admit that stark reality.

Today I will never find a "peace" with what I've done then in that most noble attempt of the heart, even with the intentions I had I was helpless as much then as I am now. Each and every eye that closed, each and every last breath taken, each and every last moment will be forever etched upon my heart and burned into my conscience and I can only answer to me alone in that. Much like the scars in common we all attempt to share and reconcile on these boards. A very private regret. A familiar pain. It is difficult for mere words to express. A certain sadness in our own helplessness in the whirlwinds of the holocaust is never avoided or forgotten. Time only softens the memory. It becomes a part of who we are regardless of our resolutions. I tend to see it as a process. I try to learn from my regrets as opposed to simply dwelling on them. I did then with the what I knew, now that I know better, I do better.

In spite of all that I have been so very blessed as well. I today measure and gauge the times and stages of my life by the dogs and critters that have shared that frame of time with me. I have had some great and memorable adventures. I have had my heart broken blissfully. In that breaking I have learned to appreciate the simple blessings of time and the impermanence and imperfections of this life on earth. Some bridges are fallen down and some are still around. We put one foot in front of the other. We learn to endure of perish ourselves. Don't sweat the small stuff. Everybody suffers. And so it goes... .

     Im so sorry shadow.

[nolisan]

My ex had a nice but completely neurotic dog. Oh my how she loved that dog or so I thought.

We were in the mountains once and the the dog was splashing at the edge of a very swift river. I called the dog back because I worried that she would get swept away. The ex said "no big deal ... .it's just a dog". What the heck?

It made my blood run cold. Another example of how things "just didn't line up".

[Phoenix.Rising]

I was just thinking about a list I intend to make on qualities I will not compromise on in a potential future mate.  One of those is the way they treat and interact with animals.  This, in my opinion, speaks volumes about a person.

We were in the mountains once and the the dog was splashing at the edge of a very swift river. I called the dog back because I worried that she would get swept away. The ex said "no big deal ... .it's just a dog". What the heck?

Yes, that is bizarre, Nolisan.

[frag1911]

Having seen this thread go for some time, I can finally feel ready to respond.

Being a "hero" type all my life (and served in the military), when I find situations where the absolutely defenseless are being abused, I can't even begin to stop myself from acting.  Pets rate right after babies. 

Marinro, I'm so glad you came back and updated us that your pets are safe!

[necchi]

I've hit twice when she was acting like that, and felt so ashamed still it hurt me so much, and I'm not a violent person but what was i supposed to do ?

she has denied,or forgot those act's,and used them i time to paint me black towards people... .Now that its all in in the past, what good was all this for !

think of the consequence of your actions,i always did this why can't they, and this is only a sub layer beneath the frosting

Love you all! And you know what? I realy do, thank you for being here at the same time I'm sorry for you all xx