Im back at square one.

[clover528]

The last six months have been that rollercoaster ride thru hell. I thought i was stronger and knew better.  Not so much. I had legal matters in place then it expired. I then got manipulated with a call and cry for help. He was trying to go into rehab for his addiction problem. I fell into save mode. That of course fell through. then I was on the beautiful pedestal I got knocked off so systematically before. After a very short time of empty promises and me trying to trust, I get dropped on my head, terrorized again and now he is engaged. Been a crazy few months. Im a big ball of mess. Took so many steps forward now I am back at the beginning of grief again. Will i ever learn?

I feel horrible. I feel like I let not only myself down but all you wonderful supporters here. Im so sorry. For hurting me again and for believing in the lies. I doubt I am alone in what I am calling my relapse. Would say recycle but I never really agreed that I would be in the relationship again. I know, semantics dont really work in this situation. It is what it is after all.

I am wondering if these poor souls, ours included I suppose, can ever truly heal? I am doubting that in this moment. God bless us all.

[ShadowDancer]

You think your a big ball of a mess? Ah, aint nuttin like a recycling engaged drug addicted Borderline Personality.

    And you think YOU have problems.

[lightswitch]

Hey, Clover,

  Relapse is a pretty good word that you chose. I felt so weak when I chose to respond to emails, and thus re engage... .for me, I know that I was addicted to the relationship, AND just felt really really sad and hurt! Sorry, I still feel really sad and hurt. I also, truth be told, hate not being in a relationship. That's my scary, uncharted water to navigate. I'm doing so much to stay baseline right now.

  If I pay attention, I get little reassuring gifts throughout the day;I might run into someone who lifts me up, or hear something on the radio that is totally pertinent, ya know, spiritual serendipity. Yeah, we do need those blessings! Somedays, it's minutes at a time, or an hour at a time where I really need to persevere.  Consider this too, even if you were only dealing with addiction issues with your ex, that in itself can be a living hell, and there's no guarantee of recovery. Chin up, we need each other, and certainly nobody is judging you!

[Waifed]

No need to apologize. You are not the first nor will you be the last to relapse.  You may have taken a few steps back, but now you know that there is no reason to ever go back no matter the BS that your ex throws your way. Look at the positives. We will all get through this together.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Big Ball of Mess!  I'm stealing that... .

You didn't let anyone down.  Borderlines are seductive and our relationships with them like no other.  Evidence is this website for one; I don't see a lot of websites out there for people to use in getting over 'normal' relationships.  We were in relationships with a serious mental illness.

I understand the prognosis is good for a borderline in therapy, but it takes years, literally.  So if yours had gone to rehab and gotten clean, part of that process might have landed him in front of a therapist, who could diagnose him with BPD, he could be in a place where he was willing to accept help, enter specialized long-term therapy, and then, say 3 years from now, was in a place where he could relate to you as an ordered person.  Not likely for most borderlines, but possible.  That didn't happen in your case, so please lighten up on yourself and use the anger and disappointment to recommit to your healthy detachment.

[Learning_curve74]

clover528, I'm sorry you're hurting. It's really easy to fall for somebody you used to be with, they don't have to have BPD for it to happen nor for it to not work out the second time either. You're not alone. 

[clover528]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. and yes, I am a big ball of mess! When he mentioned getting clean and really went for help, my heart leaped. Did he go in as planned. Nope. Had a million reasons not too. He told me how he was so wrong for all he said and did to me. How he knew he was cruel and he was hurting and just wanted me to feel what he felt. He said all the right things. But with all BPDs it did not last. It was just a new thing. He said he wanted to prove to me he was the man i fell in love with. That we would take our time and heal together and work together. LIES! The entire time he was with his gf telling her I was chasing him etc. NOT TRUE. He begged me to just communicate and be patient. Then she pushed him to commit and he pushed me to move back. I said no. He raged and still is raging. Im satans spawn again. I found out about the gf after the fact of course. Today I found out they are engaged. All this in a matter of a few weeks of asking me to marry him again? Its so unreal how he can just flip like that. I really thought he felt true remorse. WRONG! It was manipulation. He cant be alone. Her forcing their relationship and giving him the ultimatum triggered his abandonment. When I wouldnt move back with him, he ran to her. I should have known. I really should have. Heck I have been down this road too often now. Four years of this actually. I am rambling. Obviously back in a thick fog. Havent replied to the nonsense in a few weeks now. It keeps getting worse. I hurt . He rages. Time marches on.

[fromheeltoheal]

Havent replied to the nonsense in a few weeks now.

Now there's something good, especially the fact you label it nonsense.

You've got a lot of history with this guy, this clearly unstable guy.  Will he ever be able to create the relationship you deserve and want with him?  The answer is obvious to me, but you decide.  I've found that I had to rely on my brain and facts as I detached, my heart protested every step of the way, but that waned with time.  Brain and facts only.  Take care of you!

[peas]

Did you ask your ex how he planned to marry two women?

[babyducks]

Hi Clover,

Nice to have you back with us posting again.   

Sorry for the reason for it.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

ducks

[clover528]

FHTH~ I agree the heart is a very slow learner. And History is putting it mildly. I am listening to my head only. I have caved my last time. his last rage toward me was very bad and recent harassing messages are unbelievably cruel. The tone of it all has gotten darker if possible. So no more reengaging for this gal.

Peas~ No I didnt ask him that. Haha! He sees nothing wrong with it. He lives by his own rules. It is the whole Boundaries thing he just cant grasp.

Ducks  ~ Thanks for the welcome. I am sorry for the circumstances also. i feel so foolish. Especially after all I have been thru since April. you were so supportive. I hope i can get back to the place i was before I allowed the mess to unravel again.

[Lady31]

Did you ask your ex how he planned to marry two women?

LMBO Peas!