My wife is renting a lot of a space in my head. We have kids.

[mywifecrazy]

I  don't have to rent space to her in my head. She must be occupying a lot of space in your head with the divorce and co-parenting of your kid.

Wow this speaks VOLUMES to me. I hate and despise my xwBPD for all the damage she has caused everyone around her but I can't get her out of my life OR HEAD because she's the mother of my 2 sons. I guess I need to count my blessings as she ran out on them too. She signed full custody over to me without a second thought, happy just to see them every other weekend to keep her from feeling too guilty I guess.

Not seeing her or talking to her is easy for the most part but how the hell do I get her out of my head? I don't love her or want her back (was married 18yrs), he'll I don't even like her. Someone said I should stop looking at this website as it takes the focus off of ME and keeps me focusing on her and has me looking backwards instead of forward. I'm not sure about this as these boards have been very helpful for me to understand her, it has helped my healing in knowing that there was NOTHING I DID to cause her bad behavior (infidelity). It is also helpful as I need to understand BPD more as my kids still have to be around her and I already seen evidence of her manipulating them to feel sorry for her and she lies to them about me.

Any advice?

[bluebell7]

Hello-  I am so sorry for your struggle, this is especially difficult when a child is involved.

I'd just like to comment on the question about "just how much self control... .

In my experience, that tends to vary -depending on just how angry the person may be... .  I think it's about the lack of emotional regulation caused by BPD.  Seems like the BPD's in my life have different ''modes".  Sometimes they can think things through and other times they just act on their emotions as if their feeling means a certain thing is true and they have the right to attack without any regard for others, and not realization of the consequences for their cruelty.  Actions and words are irrational, but the still rationalize it and fight very hard for their own justifications.  Without actually making a choice, they live only in that moment and whatever emotion that takes over their mind- and there's nothing anyone else can do about it.  At least that's what it seems like to me.

I feel sorry for the BPD's in my life but it was not always that way.  I was angry and confused, anxious and feeling guilty every day... .for years... .!  I hope you find the answers you need to settle your mind and your heart.  There are good resources on this site, book recommendations, workshops.  The techniques I've tried have helped a great deal.  So has individual therapy for myself. 

When they act out... .it can be like watching a toddler have a tantrum - but with a toddler, we wouldnt' feel responsible and we know our role in the situation... .I wish it was that simple with BPD... .

Or, sometimes it can be like a person with asthma... .we expect them to have asthma attacks... .its part of the disorder... .same with BPD- Even though it's so hurtful and destructive... .they will have episodes... .and I somehow, self control gets lost in the mix... .

Take Care of yourself!

[GreenMango]

Any advice?

Here's a little bit from the grief workshop.  The way your feeling will her better once you get to acceptance.  It's just getting there and how to cope in the mean time.

(if you click on the teal text below it will take you to that poll and thread)

The breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship can trigger similar grieving responses to the death of a spouse.

There are 5 common stages of grief that a person goes through.  These stages were first identified by the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. when she spoke at the The Ingersoll Lectures on Human Immortality at Harvard University in 1970.

Where are you in the process? 

What have you struggled with?  How might you have approached it differently?

How has your perspective changed as you have gone through the stages?

What have you struggled with?

Skippy



The five stages of grief are:

Denial

This is when we and our partner are on different page about our commitments to the relationship. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. 

In the Kübler-Ross model, if your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door.  The equivalent in a relationship breakup is that your partner is drifting away or has broken-up and you still think that he/she doesn't mean it - that it is a ploy or a reaction. 

Often in this stage we are engaged in relationship struggles and are expecting our partner to respond in the way that someone in a relationship would respond. However, they are in a very different, less caring place.  We are confused, hurt, put off by their behavior.

Anger/Resentment -

Anger often the reaction to being hurt and/or fearful, and helpless to do anything about it. The greater the loss, the greater the reaction.

In the Kübler-Ross model, you might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying (Kübler-Ross model).  In the relationship, you may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family. You may feel anger at your friends or family for supporting her and not you. You may be angry for being betrayed.  You may be angery for not being idealized any longer (ego wound). 

Anger is a very complex pat of grieving - many of us stumble in this stage with either unhealthy anger (misdirected, trapping) or no anger (no release).

We need to determine why we're angry and focus our feeling on the true issues - if not, anger can imprison people. 

Bargaining

You try to negotiate to change the situation.

In the Kübler-Ross model, if you've lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I'll be a better person if you'd just bring him back". In a relationship, you might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay, I'll change". 

Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

Depression

The is the "it's really over" stage.

After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end and we become depressed. We fell helpless and powerless and overwhelmed with sadness about the loss that we are experiencing.  We realize the situation isn't going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back.  Acknowledgment of the situation often brings depression.

Acknowledgment often starts the serious process of us trying to understand what happened.

Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

Acceptance is a final stage when we have finally sorting out what happened, accepted it and are more interested in moving forward than looking back. 

Acceptance can take a lot of time and a lot of processing. It involves understanding the situation, understand our role / understand their role, understanding what can be learned, and letting go / moving forward. 

Note: Each person mourns a loss differently.  You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes during the bargiaining stages we recycle the relationship. Or an event will trigger us to experience one of these stages again - like hearing your ex-partner is to remarry.

Also posting a thread on how you are feeling and what's going on helps.   

Sometimes its the grief over the dreams of what could have been.  Totally legitimate to be hurt and resentful to feel that.  And having the kids subjected to this.  Hard stuff.


A strong supportive group of people helps.  Do you have that?

Take a looking at the parenting board too.

[myst]

The fact that you share children forever connects you to your EX. She may always have some measure of space in your head. How much you allow her to, will be up to you.   

Taking the time to educate yourself about BPD. I believe is a positive thing. Doing so allows you to be able to protect yourself and better prepare your children.    I wish you luck traveling through this difficult time in your life.

[imstronghere2]

I  don't have to rent space to her in my head. She must be occupying a lot of space in your head with the divorce and co-parenting of your kid.

Wow this speaks VOLUMES to me. I hate and despise my xwBPD for all the damage she has caused everyone around her but I can't get her out of my life OR HEAD because she's the mother of my 2 sons. I guess I need to count my blessings as she ran out on them too. She signed full custody over to me without a second thought, happy just to see them every other weekend to keep her from feeling too guilty I guess.

Not seeing her or talking to her is easy for the most part but how the hell do I get her out of my head? I don't love her or want her back (was married 18yrs), he'll I don't even like her. Someone said I should stop looking at this website as it takes the focus off of ME and keeps me focusing on her and has me looking backwards instead of forward. I'm not sure about this as these boards have been very helpful for me to understand her, it has helped my healing in knowing that there was NOTHING I DID to cause her bad behavior (infidelity). It is also helpful as I need to understand BPD more as my kids still have to be around her and I already seen evidence of her manipulating them to feel sorry for her and she lies to them about me.

Any advice?

Holy Cow man!   You and I married the same woman and endured it for almost the exact same amount of time.  I held in for 19 years and mine never even bothered to READ the Separation Agreement OR the Agreed Parenting Plan.  Now she spends maybe 40 minutes a month with our son (13) and rarely sees our daughter (20).   I wouldn't expect your exw to keep up on visitation, just like mine never did.  Once they're gone, they're REALLY gone.  Checked out. 

So, how to get her out of your head space?  Takes time but it will get better.  I'm 2 years out and it's mostly the fallout that still plagues me.  They did SO much damage to us and our kids that we won't EVER have ANYTHING to do with them again but we did invest a huge amount of our lives to them and that's not a simple thing to get over.  I wish I could say it was going to be all roses and sunshine in X amount of days/weeks/months but it's just not like that.  The good news is, it will get better and its' WAY better for your kids that she's pretty much out of their lives now. 

It was strange to read your post as it was the first one I've read in the 2 years that I've been out of this that was so close to my experience.  I'm sorry you had to go through this.  I'm sorry ANY of us ever had to go through this.  We loved them as best we could and gave them the best life they're ever going to have. 

[mywifecrazy]

Yes Imstrong. I thought the same thing when I read other posts that were eerily similar to mine. I thought "Holy Cow, how many people was my wife married to"... .LOL (got to retain a sense of humor!). So far my UxwBPD is still picking them up every other weekend but she was so impulsive in the divorce settlement she did the following: Left without taking any pictures of the kids, not even when they were babies. It's like those memories are are wiped clean. She still hasn't asked for any. Couldn't sign over full custody quick enough during settlement. The only thing she mentioned about kids was that she would like to claim one of them for a tax write off (screw you woman!). She still does call them just about every day and ALWAYS with her sad little manipulation voice like she misses them so and she's being forced not to see them. The kids know better as I would offer her extra time over and over again but she would always have some LAME excuse why she couldn't take them. I can't wait to see how shes doing in a couple of years after she has BLOWN her settlement money.

The weird thing is how well she hid her actions from everyone around her. I didn't realize that she was BPD until after the divorce when all her lies came to light. I finally CAUGHT her on Fathers Day in bed with our family friend across the street. Her best friends husband mind you!  Tell me if your  xwBPD did anything listed below or similar to you:

*Told me she was molested by her father and her brother (not true) told me this 20 yrs ago when we were dating. Her way to get sympathy for her no doubt.

*Told me she had been beaten and raped by the boyfriend she was with before me (turned around and did the same to me 20yrs later)

*Had multiple affairs during our 18yr marriage. She was a MASTER at covering them up. I didn't find out until after marriage ended.

*would fake migraines and being sick to get out of family trips and kids sports, for her affairs no doubt. She would even fool the Drs. To pull of these ruses!

*faked migraines for many things!

*had sex with our neighbor on our back porch while his kids and mine were in our basement playing (she admitted to this). While I was at Church!

*Told family members and friends that I was an Ogre that made her curb floors 3x a week on her hands and knees as well as perform other harsh chores

*Told family member and her best friend that I beat on her, beat on my kids and raped her (just like she told me 20yrs ago about her boyfriend). It was eery because it was almost word for word what she told me 20 yrs ago. She even had the neighbor across the street so convinced that he said he had pictures. This freaks me out, did she actually harm herself so he would take pictures?

*i have her cell records and it looks like she is running around with at least 3 different guys.

You can't tell me that your xwBPD did similar things can you? 

[imstronghere2]

Left without taking any pictures of the kids, not even when they were babies. It's like those memories are are wiped clean. She still hasn't asked for any. Couldn't sign over full custody quick enough during settlement.

The weird thing is how well she hid her actions from everyone around her. I didn't realize that she was BPD until after the divorce when all her lies came to light.

*Had multiple affairs during our 18yr marriage. She was a MASTER at covering them up. I didn't find out until after marriage ended.

*would fake migraines and being sick to get out of family trips and kids sports, for her affairs no doubt. She would even fool the Drs. To pull of these ruses!

*faked migraines for many things!

*i have her cell records and it looks like she is running around with at least 3 different guys.

You can't tell me that your xwBPD did similar things can you? 

What's quoted here is what is not only similar but almost exactly the same.  My exw's ailments included back pain, ovary pain and a slew of upper respiratory infections.  She ALWAYS had to be sicker than anyone else in the house.

I sure hope you have a therapist.  Mine was worth his weight in gold in getting me through this mess.  You should be commended for showing great restraint considering everything she put you through.  I felt a huge amount of anger and rage and I can only imagine what you must have felt.  I'm past that stage thankfully but the scars left behind run incredibly deep.

I'm actually surprised she spends as much time with your kids as she does.  Mine has never spent more than about an hour a month with our son since she left.  Last year total was around 10 hours.  She is completely detached. 

How long have you been divorced?  I was still a total wreck for a good 6 months after it was finalized.  Hell, I'm just recently starting to really feel like my old self again.

[mywifecrazy]

Left without taking any pictures of the kids, not even when they were babies. It's like those memories are are wiped clean. She still hasn't asked for any. Couldn't sign over full custody quick enough during settlement.

The weird thing is how well she hid her actions from everyone around her. I didn't realize that she was BPD until after the divorce when all her lies came to light.

*Had multiple affairs during our 18yr marriage. She was a MASTER at covering them up. I

didn't find out until after marriage ended.

*would fake migraines and being sick to get out of family trips and kids sports, for her affairs no doubt. She would even fool the Drs. To pull of these ruses!

*faked migraines for many things!

*i have her cell records and it looks like she is running around with at least 3 different guys.

You can't tell me that your xwBPD did similar things can you? 

What's quoted here is what is not only similar but almost exactly the same.  My exw's ailments included back pain, ovary pain and a slew of upper respiratory infections.  She ALWAYS had to be sicker than anyone else in the house.

I sure hope you have a therapist.  Mine was worth his weight in gold in getting me through this mess.  You should be commended for showing great restraint considering everything she put you through.  I felt a huge amount of anger and rage and I can only imagine what you must have felt.  I'm past that stage thankfully but the scars left behind run incredibly deep.

I'm actually surprised she spends as much time with your kids as she does.  Mine has never spent more than about an hour a month with our son since she left.  Last year total was around 10 hours.  She is completely detached. 

How long have you been divorced?  I was still a total wreck for a good 6 months after it was finalized.  Hell, I'm just recently starting to really feel like my old self again.

DETACHED... .Yes That is exactly where my xwBPD is at. Once I found out the truth and the complete truth about her complete pattern of lying which I was totally unaware of until I caught her in her affair I was able to start my healing as I come to complete realization that none of this was my fault I did nothing to make her be this way nor can I do anything to change her. Now my anger has been replaced with complete empathy for her. When I look into her eyes they just seem so vacant like there's nothing inside there and I actually do feel sorry for her. She is sick and I only pray that she gets help for herself. I would never go back to this woman not only has she burn bridges but she's dropped nuclear bombs on them. She has alienated everyone around her so she's now DETACHED herself and is completely wiping away her past relationships and memories almost like you would a hard drive. It's just so sad that she has to create a whole new world with new acquaintances and friends and people to run around with that don't know her so that her past lies will not catch up with her that's no way to live! I TRULY AM HAPPY WITH WHERE I AM AT NOW. I AM HAPPY THAT I SURVIVED BEING WITH THIS WOMAN FOR SO LONG AND THAT MY FUTURE IS STILL IN TACT!

[necchi]

The mom of my 2 oldest ( she has  BPD traits ) didd the same, gave custody without much battle than moved an hour and a half with her bf. I stop asking myself questions on how she could do things like these but did for long. Now its an other story with my present ex, she is using our S3 to hurt me... .go figure