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BPDFamily.com
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Confronting past "abuse"
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Topic: Confronting past "abuse" (Read 609 times)
LivingLearning
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 93
Confronting past "abuse"
«
on:
November 13, 2013, 08:24:44 PM »
This is something I've been struggling with/considering. I heard and actively listened so much to some pretty rough stuff with my ex. A lot of the typical abuse, and some small gestures of physical threat.
We are friends with some shared people, and I don't think they will ever understand what she said to me, or that she even could have said it the way she did. I think they'll think I must have caused it.
Anyhow, part of me wants to just let it all go. All the things I never said. Let it be in the past an be thankful I'm done with her that way and any new stuff will be less intense as she's better now that she's not intimate with me and can pursue other men, And I'm sure is.
Another part of me feels like it might actually be a sign of me NOT moving on by not having the courage to say it or write it to her.
1) it feels in someway like a bit of a responsibility in the world. I'd say something if this happened to another person, so why wouldn't i do the same for me?
2) I wonder if I'm afraid, like I always was, that she'd attack me or make up bad stuff to my friends.
Do I really want to be afraid of that?
I wonder if I communicate some of the stuff I never did, from the space of no longer being partners, that whether she can hear it it not, at LEAST I SAID IT.
I remember I stood up to my brother once that way, I got angry with him actually (healthily so- good communication) and I felt so good after! And our relationship improved and I see him in a much more compassionate way. Maybe I felt I had integrity.
Any thoughts are welcome on this!
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ShadowDancer
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Re: Confronting past "abuse"
«
Reply #1 on:
November 13, 2013, 09:00:42 PM »
Well from my side of the fence the answer is of course you are a person of integrity and this explains your instinct to put your cards right on out there on the table thereby owning them by showing them and playing them where they fall and for what they are worth to you, BUT on the other hand a smart card player knows when to show em, hold em, or fold em.
Or, once you have been in crazy town long enough you understand that It stands to responsible reason responsibly expecting a responsible reasonable response from the unresponsively unreasonable is not responsibly reasonable. Or was that the other way around?
What ever you decide to do in your quest to feel comfortable inside your own conscience, expect the ... .oh you already know!
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LivingLearning
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Posts: 93
Re: Confronting past "abuse"
«
Reply #2 on:
November 13, 2013, 09:52:58 PM »
Thanks for the reply, and yeah it might be time to fold them. Not sure if I'm a smart card player or not.
I think it's more about me more living and sharing my truth in the world, then being comfortable with my conscience. Not being afraid of the repercussions.
I also want to be careful that there isn't some subconscious motive as well, like fixing, staying connected etc.
There is a fine line here I think... .
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ShadowDancer
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Re: Confronting past "abuse"
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Reply #3 on:
November 14, 2013, 01:14:30 AM »
A fine line there for sure. To be honest I'm kinda a FTW sorta fellow. I don't really care what the world thinks, at night on my pillow, there is only me, myself, and I.
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LivingLearning
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Posts: 93
Re: Confronting past "abuse"
«
Reply #4 on:
November 14, 2013, 04:49:21 PM »
Yeah, in a way there are times I would just want to, if I run into or if she calls me again, just speak my mind. In a way that's what I'm talking about. Not pussyfooting around what I think and trying to be understanding. Say it like I see it whether it's accurate or not. I suppose that's kind of FTW.
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DreamGirl
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4017
Do. Or do not. There is no try.
Re: Confronting past "abuse"
«
Reply #5 on:
November 14, 2013, 05:12:58 PM »
What would the letter you write to her look like?
I've written a similar letter before. It was a suggestion by my therapist - it was really interesting how it turned out.
How much it was about being really mad at myself... .and really sad. Disappointment of not feeling like I was enough.
It brought to surface all the pent up emotions - the grief, the pain, the anger, the hurt - it brought it all up so I was able to experience it (and not run from it like I love to do). Feel it. Sit with it.
Deal with it
. So I was capable of letting it go.
It's the infamous Robert Frost saying,
the only way out is through.
I also never sent the letter... .but how necessary it was for me to write.
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"What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews
LivingLearning
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 93
Re: Confronting past "abuse"
«
Reply #6 on:
November 17, 2013, 10:09:01 PM »
Hi dream girl,
Interesting for me to hear from you again. It sounds to me like you are giving me advice through the way of offering your experience. I like it when advice is given to me more directly.
I understand that worked out for you. I also agree that's such a useful excercise to write a letter and process those emotions. It's something I've done many times with my ex (hundreds of unemailed messages). I work with therapists over the years and workbooks on such stuff. It's really helped me.
A practice I also do is that I write them, and I "turnaround" every sentence to be about me, or how I abandon/decieve/manipulate/ her, or myself. It has been a great exercise to go through. And I figure it will be again, so yes that's also a good reminder from you.
Also, what I'm considering is something different. What's your opinion on actually sending it once you get more clarity? Or is clarity-gaining part of the process? We are a community of Individuals, when do we talk, when don't we?
These are some questions I consider... .
Also, I wonder about a letter, or in person, or asking her to see a therapist with me. (Same with my mom). I also think about not, ever. Trying to get in touch with what really feels like what I want to do, and what feels most rational and kind to me and others. And also, what feels... .fun! There's a weird word. I'm really enjoying being happier lately, and doing what I want. That maybe being me ain't so bad afterall
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LivingLearning
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Posts: 93
Re: Confronting past "abuse"
«
Reply #7 on:
November 17, 2013, 10:16:23 PM »
(And to clarify, I've asked both my mom and my ex, who I'm realizing can be some very abusive women at times, to see a therapist with me, to very limited success. At the same time, I can see both could be open to it. The healthier I am the more I notice they aren't afraid I will subtley attack them as many nons understandably do. This is why I sometimes wonder about trying again. My mom and my ex are people. And I care about them as I do myself.)
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DreamGirl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4017
Do. Or do not. There is no try.
Re: Confronting past "abuse"
«
Reply #8 on:
November 17, 2013, 10:46:04 PM »
Sorry for not being more direct in my advice. Its kinda how I roll, I relate through common experience.
Here's the thing. I don't think there's a right answer when it comes to confronting abuse... .or your abuser.
Its more about... ."what's right for me.".
Some need to be heard. That's OK too. For me, be it the unwillingness to grace him with my time or the acceptance that my words would be only meaningful to me, I didn't.
I also know that in the process, when you are finally in a place to ever admit that you were abused, and the shame is being released, shouting it from the mountain tops feels like the right thing to do... .but then time and clarity suggest that redemption can be found within.
I'm at peace with my note that was never sent. Others in my shoes may need more - and it makes perfect sense to me. Its perhaps why I suggested writing the letter first... .With sending it being an option.
Sometimes just the act of writing it helps. But it sounds like you already knew that.
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"What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews
LivingLearning
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 93
Re: Confronting past "abuse"
«
Reply #9 on:
November 17, 2013, 11:01:03 PM »
Hi,
I don't believe you that that is why you roll that way.
Regarding gracing him with words, can you explain more? I'm not sure I understand.
Thanks!
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