NC not working

[dazednconfused2954]

So I'm starting to think maybe my ex isnt BPD. How do I know? I mean its so hard. She left me for someone else and had them moved in with 2 weeks. The NEXT day she was with someone after breaking up with me. Today I talked to her and I told her it was like she just replaced me. She said no thats not it at all. She said I knew this person for 15 years and I didnt replace you. She said thats just how I deal with things. To me it sure felt that way. Then she goes back to how we didnt work out because I was so messy and didnt respect her because I was messy and it was her house. HELP im going insane.

[Perfidy]

It sucks I know this. Sorry you are hurting. Just wanted to point out that someone who moves on that quickly can't be too healthy because there are feelings to deal with that don't just shut off like a light switch. Don't know about your particular situation but doesn't sound like she is dealing with much feelings. It isn't that easy. Just know that whatever line of crap she has for you it is about her not you. Something about her is what she acts on and it has nothing at all to do with you. She could pick any reason in the world. Being messy is the mark of genius. We as geniuses don't sweat the small stuff. It will get better. Focus on you and ignore her. She isn't any good for you and you can do better. Someone that loves you doesn't care how messy you are. You be good to you.

[Changingman]

The lack of accountability, the blame game, the replace for fear of being alone... .maybe enough... .but

The never getting any conversation that doesn't end in some crazy not me/you nonsense.

Still talking to her and thinking she is logical is stinking thinking.

If you think about you and what is really real I think is more true and honest than you will get in a 40 year conversation with them, so frustrating, chaotic, dumb and circular.

[damage control]

Hi D&C

So sorry this has happened to you.

If it helps any, my ex dumped me in the morning and then went on a first date that very evening. He then stayed that weekend and last weekend (just gone) with the new woman. Thing is, it was this ability to 'move on' so damn quickly that made me (finally) start questioning his mental health ... normal people don't do that. He doesn't seem to have a cue how hurtful this is, none whatsoever - yours is possibly the same way; they just.don't.get.it.

My ex once said to me (major red flag that I rationalised at the time) that his first ever breakup was very hard and it took him months to get over her (he was a teen at the time), but that each subsequent breakup got easier and easier until now, according to him, it takes him no more than 15 minutes to get over someone. They don't feel like we do, think like we do or process like us nons. To me, that confirms that he has issues rather than makes me question if he does.

[Changingman]

Hi D&C

So sorry this has happened to you.

If it helps any, my ex dumped me in the morning and then went on a first date that very evening. He then stayed that weekend and last weekend (just gone) with the new woman. Thing is, it was this ability to 'move on' so damn quickly that made me (finally) start questioning his mental health ... normal people don't do that. He doesn't seem to have a cue how hurtful this is, none whatsoever - yours is possibly the same way; they just.don't.get.it.

My ex once said to me (major red flag that I rationalised at the time) that his first ever breakup was very hard and it took him months to get over her (he was a teen at the time), but that each subsequent breakup got easier and easier until now, according to him, it takes him no more than 15 minutes to get over someone. They don't feel like we do, think like we do or process like us nons. To me, that confirms that he has issues rather than makes me question if he does.

Yes this is so odd, no regrets, everything forgotten, start the same robotic dance again, like a video looping, like a goldfish memory. Question I'm asking is horrible... .maybe they felt nothing else but a buzz, maybe they are the worst of people and cold self absorbed control with abuse is their game. Mental illness, it's hard to understand

[Changingman]

My ex felt nothing at the end, just uncomfortable she couldn't be the victim, just revealed as the abuser. Fake tears then rage when fake tears didn't work.she tried to be the victim of love but had no words, said I love you but I'm not in love with you. I almost laughed. Then when that didn't work started to get angry and agressive trying to make me hit her. I didn't it was all so fake I was shocked. My secret to see this... .silence, if you don't engage with them they have nothing. Provoke, provoke, provoke.

[Changingman]

I wasn't being clever or had a plan, it was just so odd and I hadn't seen her for a week, so I was clearer and less confused than I had been in 4 years. Without making you crazy you start to wake up, they know this instinctively i think, you aren't as easily manipulated and they can feel their control is less.

[Changingman]

I have found it frightening that this relationship with her was built on abuse rather than love, companionship and empathy. Just the most shocking thing I've encountered. Really scary, the raw face of the disorder, staring into the eyes of a sociapath. Lizard or insect, not a mammal.

[damage control]

It's only been 2 weeks for me and we are in the same house so, still feeling the crazy. But, I have made an effort to not sun into him and to stick to my room ... as you say, not feeling it all the time helps. I just can't wait for it to lessen, for the craving to subside a bit.

It IS scary. It's scary to find out that there are people like this in the world, scary to think that we were/are so attracted to them and scary to think of how hard it is to let go and how much they were able to hurt you at the end. Very scary.

[dazednconfused2954]

Thanks all of you Because I needed that reasoning from logical people. Its like the more I talk to her the more she manipulates and she still has that control. I tried NC and she calls me from other phone numbers if I block her but then as soon as I tell her something real like I miss her and this is hard. She says I am sorry you are hurting. I said how can you just move someone else in, like replace me. That was our home where we had memories and she had bought that house and we moved in together. She just moved me out (was with girl same day) and moved her in. No remorse, no guilt. Your right that is NOT normal. You have to process feelings and heal. Become a better person. Does she really love this person? It was her best friend for 15 years. What kind of a person could just move in is my question. They both love drama and have sent me pictures of them both. She is just playing games with me isn't she? Keeping me near in case the new relationship fails. I deserve better but its hard to start over and pick yourself up from this deep hole. Being left is one thing but for someone else who is not half the woman you are. This girl has no car, job, license. But I didn't contribute. Do they really believe this stuff to be true?

[dazednconfused2954]

I do want to add this. Her and I had been dating about 3 years and I had this forward at work, it was a sociopath test. It is a legit test. I asked her and her answer was DEAD on. Doesn't necessarily mean she is one but they train of thought is there... .I think she may be and yes it is SCARY. Scary that I didn't know her... .she could act for 5 years. Scary that I loved her and still do and she just doesn't. She says she does but really its because she needs something from me? I mean to me its just so textbook BPD. She is something... .and its not normal and THANK YOU ALL for helping me realize that. I needed the reminder she gets in my head and makes me think I am crazy AHHHHHH

[GreenMango]

BPD is marked by a lack of empathy when emotionally volatile.  Antisocial, or aspd, also has a lack of empathy.  But there are huge differences.

BPD is an impulsive emotional attachment disorder with instability in self direction, identity, empathy and intimacy.  Many of the more hurtful things partners experience is driven by the fear of rejection.  The behavior resembles an alcoholic more than a sociopath.

When she said this below, it was the gods honest truth.  This is how she copes.  The contradiction of having intimacy and abandonment fears rolled up into one.  It's hard to wrap your head around a paradox.

She said thats just how I deal with things

Not all pwBPD behave the same -each person has a go to set of ways to soothe just like other people.  Someone with BPD's way of behaving can be more destructive to relationships though...  They aren't bloodsuckers, vampires or sociopaths. Its a disorder.

Good question to ask yourself is would you want to be with a person who soothed this way?  the unablity to be alone and the constant need for attention or assurance from anybody can put a huge strain on a partner.  Sometimes the facts of the disorder can bring some clarity.

[Juno]

I'm sure your hurting because you had some wonderful memories with her. I have no ideal as to how your ex feels about you? It does seem she is more than willing to keep you around. ie-phone calls, text msg's, etc. etc... .From my perspective she wants you in the shadows. She wants to make sure your there if things fall apart with the new guy. It goes back a BPD fearing abandonment. She doesn't seem to be too concerned for you feelings as long as the grass is greener for her. Bottom line is this... .She's in her comfort zone because you both are communicating. Yet, the minute this current fling flickers out, and trust me my friend, it will flicker out. She will be at your door step begging for you to come back into her life.

Your at a fork in the road. I sense you see the red flags. You can do the heavy lifting right now. That means no contact. There is no doubt it will hurt. Your only human and you still care for her, but it's better to fight this battle now. If you wait for this current relationship to run its course and get recycled, you'll be hurting even more in the future. You may think NC is hard, but I guarantee you, once your ex realizes you have left her for good she'll do everything in her power to get you back in her life. That will be the real test for you. You must think about yourself and the long term. If you want to see where this goes, just read all the new intros. Everyone saw red flags early on in the relationships. Yet, everyone ignored the red flags. It doesn't end well. My advice is stay the course and fight the urge to remain in the shadows.

[Changingman]

Yes Juno,

To engage with them is very dangerous, I have heard about a partner who was constantly recycled and kept around. He ended up in a mental home. Your mental health should be your first concern, you are dealing with a serious mental health condition.

[Turkish]

My ex felt nothing at the end, just uncomfortable she couldn't be the victim, just revealed as the abuser. Fake tears then rage when fake tears didn't work.she tried to be the victim of love but had no words, said I love you but I'm not in love with you.

mine said something similar, "I'm not in love with you,  but I  have a  love for you."  cruel,  no?  not "a  love"  more like an attachment. I  know she wants to be on some level,  but doesn't know how. I  can't tell her,  nor will anything I  do change it.  so I  stopped trying.  She can go off and have her  two dimensional,  unhealthy  attachments  she mistakes for love without me... .

[dazednconfused2954]

So I talked to her tonight and the replacement texted me too. She wanted to know why I wouldn't leave her alone. My ex called me and told me if I tell her truth she will blow up my world. She turned crazy so obviously she LOVES this girl. She said it so logically what happened was that I wasn't any good for her and she dumped me and moved on whats so weird about that? You moved someone in within 2 weeks of me moving out after 5 years. Is that weird to anyone geezes. Anyways I told the replacement the truth and she thanked me and said that she is a liar and is going to leave her. I doubt it but that's not my issue. Now my world will get blown up. Geezes

[dazednconfused2954]

I am walking away though. Ive had enough pain. I don't get why she wants to bring me in constantly. She hurts me over and over and breaks me down to nothing.I hate this.

[GreenMango]

A healthy relationship wouldn't be filled with this junk.  The emotional rollercoaster is very destructive.

When we talk about not having contact with a person its for times like this.  When the chaos is hurting you and you need some time to get back on you feet.  You aren't obligated to talk with either one of these two. 

 

[Changingman]

It's only been 2 weeks for me and we are in the same house so, still feeling the crazy. But, I have made an effort to not sun into him and to stick to my room ... as you say, not feeling it all the time helps. I just can't wait for it to lessen, for the craving to subside a bit.

It IS scary. It's scary to find out that there are people like this in the world, scary to think that we were/are so attracted to them and scary to think of how hard it is to let go and how much they were able to hurt you at the end. Very scary.

I have to say, that I have to look at why I was fooled, why I allowed these damaged individuals into my emotional life. let them find the soft, hurt things inside me.

A lonely child, a hurt and lost emotion, left abandoned by me. I want to find my abandoned self and bring it out into the light and love it like it should have been. Like it deserves.

[Turkish]

It's only been 2 weeks for me and we are in the same house so, still feeling the crazy. But, I have made an effort to not sun into him and to stick to my room ... as you say, not feeling it all the time helps. I just can't wait for it to lessen, for the craving to subside a bit.

It IS scary. It's scary to find out that there are people like this in the world, scary to think that we were/are so attracted to them and scary to think of how hard it is to let go and how much they were able to hurt you at the end. Very scary.

I have to say, that I have to look at why I was fooled, why I allowed these damaged individuals into my emotional life. let them find the soft, hurt things inside me.

A lonely child, a hurt and lost emotion, left abandoned by me. I want to find my abandoned self and bring it out into the light and love it like it should have been. Like it deserves.

Hi Changingman... .you may find this useful:

Lonely Child, Abandoned Child Dynamic

[dazednconfused2954]

So i finally got sick of her not listening to me about not contacting me so I told the replacement and she thinks I am lying. I just dont get how two ppl can be so in love after kicking someone out. The replacement said no wonder why she dropped you like a bad habit. I mean they have been so mean in the words they say. I have t heard anything since. I did mess up about a month ago and sleep with her. (Weak moment) i want to tell the replacement so bad and I have proof but thats just more drama that inwant to end but as much hit as she has talked about me... .i want her to see she is the one not moving on

[Juno]

Hey Dazed,

I feel your frustration and its very easy to get caught up in the dysfunction. This isn't going to be easy for you, but you MUST pull yourself out this environment. It means no contact with any of them. Unfortunately, the "replacement" seems more than willing to do your ex's talking. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't contact anybody associated with your ex. The only way you move forward is breaking all contact. Yes... .it will not be easy! Your going to have to endure a lot of lonely days. Your ex and the "replacement" won't contact you in the near term. In my opinion, they are conditioned to the fact that you make overtures of contact. They're both in their comfort zone. What that means is they both expect YOU to make some type of contact every 1-3 days. You must stop talking to them. It's never going to help you by communicating to them. They will just feed off of it and drive you crazy. Your a better person and deserve a much better life than this. Things might seem bleak for you right now, but you know what? You never know what's around the corner? There is a better person out there for you. All you have to do is move on and give life a chance. All of us have fought these battles. It's not easy and all of us have had setbacks. That's why we're here for each other. Trust me my friend, your going make it through this. Your not alone and we'll be here if you need us. Give yourself the benefit of doubt. Your not the problem. Your ex is the one with the problem. Trust me... .your going to find someone that truly cares for you.  That person is out there all you have to do is find them.

[MammaMia]

Dazed

You have the power to enforce NC.  Stay completely out of your ex's business.  Block her everywhere and NEVER respond to her.

What you are doing is an open invitation for your ex and the new bf to hurt you.   You may not realize it, but contacting your replacement tells your ex you are jealous and trying to break them up so you can get her back ... .the exact opposite of your real intention.  She sees it as your way of staying in touch with her and I bet she is loving the fact you are upset.

So STOP.  Silence speaks louder than words.  Go NC and stay NC.

[GreenMango]

Dazed

Part of the problem of getting in the middle of triangle dynamic is it galvanizes the intensity of the relationship these two are having. 

It doesn't matter that she's been on contact with you or cheated on this other person.  Most likely they are grappling to eachother in this and you are becoming the interloper who's trying to drive a wedge into this "mystical and soulmate" union. 

The facts don't matter when people are cleaving together trying to save something no matter how ridiculous, bizarre and convoluted the whole thing is.

We all know how bad we want to defend when this nonsense starts. 

Have you given some thought to shutting this stuff down?

[dazednconfused2954]

Ok update on this. The replacement contacted me and wanted to know everything. I told her everything and showed her messages etc. The replacement wanted to mess around with me to get her back ( we are lesbians). What is this? Triangulation? do they both get off on this? I mean really? She just wanted to make her jealous. I did get the truth though about cheating in the past and I promise myself that that was the closure I needed. Im glad it happened but they are still fine and I know they did think I was trying to break them up. I don't want them to break up. So basically they both tried to cheat already. This is a sick game. I met up with the replacement and she had the SAME bracelet on that my ex gave me. Its a game for her. A pattern. I also found out I was a replacement. There was a girl that lived there before me with 2 kids she kicked out. The replacement doesn't seem to care. So its a very toxic relationship. I take comfort in that. I am going completely NC with both of them. The replacement actually told me that she always WANTED to have sex with me? What?

what does this mean:

It doesn't matter that she's been on contact with you or cheated on this other person.  Most likely they are grappling to eachother in this and you are becoming the interloper who's trying to drive a wedge into this "mystical and soulmate" union. (greenmango) They obviously aren't soulmates if they continue to cheat on each other. Or I guess your saying in their worlds it is ok? 

[GreenMango]

In their world it is.  This kind of high drama, cheating and making up, getting the person to pick them or winning, hurt for hurt is intense.  It's emotional intensity and they are drunk upon it.

Most people find that kind of drink poisonous.

Leave these two fools alone.

[dazednconfused2954]

Update: I have left it alone and they have left me alone! They do feed off of each other. The toxicity of this relationship is crazy and I witnessed it first hand. I am bowing out and moving on. They are both LOVING this. Although... .I do not know how. Its too much for me. Its been 3 days no contact. I will not be the one to break and this may be early but I truly think they will BOTH leave me alone. Any thoughts on that? Am I speaking too soon?

Now it is time to focus on me and just that I will do.

[Juno]

Thanks for the update. Its still going to be a long road, but eventually you'll be able to move on. I read something about forming habits. The article stated the first 21 days are the toughest. If you make it past 21 days the battle gets easier and easier. Approach the NC like forming a good habit. Focus on 21 days straight with NC. I'm sure after 21 days you'll start seeing things much differently. Good luck my friend and thanks for the update!