How do we know when we've had enough?

[nosuchdragon]

I have not been on  here for probably a year. Why? Good question….One no privacy Two stolen computer Three…maybe I gave up. AFter my husband lost his job he was home all the time. It left us with no money hence the inability to pay the copays. So we searched for alternative help. He found a self help group about 30 minutes away. It seemed great. Life was stressful with no money but the chaos died down.  A summer family event then exacerbated my feelings about how ridiculous his family is. The best times are when we have nothing to do with them. Well, now he is in more contact and I feel now I want to run. I had to start another work project which took my attention from him down to zero! I cannot multitask or deal with too much. My heavy load because of him makes my life different. And I know my limits. In Sept. he started telling me he was concerned about his suicide attempt anniversary.  I told him to just keep moving and not create a self fulfilling prophecy. Well…I've been living in hell since. And I just don't care anymore. I am tired. I am tired of threats, guilt trips, drama, insecurity, his family, his twisted sense of the facts, his downright no memory of what really was said, his inability to function without needing me! I don't like it anymore. I have asked for two months he get more help he won't. I ask if he goes to his self help group then he gets defensive. I admit I refuse to get help with him. I can't stand sitting there watching the counselor be manipulated and get all the blame for our situation. I know this project is wearing me down. But I feel so alone. No one understands. Even after a year his mother lives this lie. He lives this lie. There is something wrong with them. With him. I cannot do this alone. I have the best friends and family but I am so tired of needing help because of him. Well he'll be back. I have to go before he interrogates me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DreamFlyer99]

OH Nosuchdragon, I hear you on this one!

I've asked my T the same question on several occasions, and like you, it's when I hit "Overload," or what I like to call "The Stack Factor." For you that looks like difficult r/s / keeping up with work/ interactions with dysfunctional family members ... .but probably the difficulties with your marriage could be sandwiched in between each of those, right?

My T says "you'll know." And so far each time I've asked, I've managed to find my own balance again, the balance that is my own little island of knowledge and tools. Like you, it's when I haven't stood by my own self-care promises because too many things seemed to be happening. And once I'm able to dig around and pull those "how to care for myself no matter what" tools out, I'm able to see beyond what's bugging me.

If you haven't been around here for a year I bet you've had a hard time staying on top of your own needs, one of which is the support of people who know what you're dealing with. now that you're back on bpdfamily, you may find hope again as you look at how to take care of yourself again. Any heavy work situation seems to be a stress in a marriage, even without the traits of BPD being involved.

You said you cannot do this alone. You're right. You need support. Do those friends and family seem bothered by your needing help? If not, just accept that they love you enough to want to help you... .I think we often lose our sense of who we really are when we're caught up with the needs of someone else, whoever it is. Would your friends or family let you spend some time on their computer so you could come here and refresh your memory on tools to communicate with your husband more effectively, how to recognize when it's a good time to not engage, and how to take better care of yourself?

I hope you can, nosuchdragon! It's really helped me a LOT!

[MammaMia]

nosuchdragon

Been there, done that.  As your therapist said, "you will know" when you have hit the wall for the last time.  When that happens, do you have a plan?  Has your therapist made any suggestions?   

Would your employer(s) allow use of your work computer to join us during the lunch break or other "personal time" when you are off the clock? 

In the interim, please accept help from family and friends. Just sharing is therapeutic, provided they are knowledgeable about BPD.  However, if they do not understand the disorder, they may contribute to your frustration.  As you know, it would most likely be an effort in futility to talk to your spouse about the level of stress you are under. 

I hope you can find a way to continue to post.   We are glad you are back and want to help.

[living in the past]

To no such dragon,my BPD friend is painfull enough to deal with God bless you ,i don't know if i could handle a marriage,best wishes

[Grey Kitty]

It sounds like you have had enough--now it is time to do a few things that take care of yourself. Can you carve out a little of your day or your week just for yourself, not work, not your H's issues, not anything else?

Or just spending some pleasant time with a friend where you can not deal with all your problems for a little while.

Hang in there!

 GK

[nosuchdragon]

I do actually take time for myself. I have a new friend and I am able to communicate with her and we were able to get away and spend the morning together. It's really the "I want to die" texts or the 500 texts a day. Even when I tell uBPDh that I am at work, I cannot return the texts immediately and that it is way too much. He has no sense or limits or boundaries at all. He doesn't even remember what we talk about. I have resorted to wanted to keep texts to show him he does say what he says he doesn't. Also, I asked him whether he tells his mother about us (because her comments were word for word from my uBPDh) and he tells me know. Yet I ask again and he tells me he tells her he feels unloved. Um... hello! Talk about there is no way to trust my uBPDh he is now creating more issues with his family. I can't take it all. it's too much mostly because I need support outside of the virtual world (no offense to this board I love it) because he needs someone to treat him or talk to him that has the training to work with BPD! These professionals don't really exist around my area.

[MammaMia]

nosedragon

Your situation is horrid.  I think you need a new therapist.

I cannot see how you can work effectively with his firestorm of tests.  Have you considered blocking him or not responding?  At least you have documentation as to his mental state.

The last thing you need is to put your work in jeopardy.

Does your h have a medical doctor?  General practitioner, family physician... .anyone who could help get him into a hospital?  I would think his statements about wanting to die would qualify.  Another option would be law enforcement.  They can transport people who are suicidal to the emergency room for a psych eval and while you may not know of many opportunities for treatment in your area, the medical profession will. 

Please do something.  It will be up to you, because, if he is truly BPD, he will not seek help on his own.

I am so sorry for your situation. 

[Grey Kitty]

We have some good resources on how to deal with suicidal thoughts or threats. "I want to die" is in a grey area... .however it is always something to take seriously. Here are some things you can read to prepare yourself. (If he is talking/txting about committing suicide NOW, call 911 or a suicide hotline immediately, instead of reading stuff here!)

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

As for 500 texts a day... .you can address that by setting and enforcing some boundaries of yourself.

I was just posting about that on another thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214124.msg12347897#msg12347897

[DreamFlyer99]

With that constant barrage of texts most of us would feel pretty pressured and overwhelmed!   That's intense. What kinds of boundaries have you tried for the situation?

i'm so glad you still carve time out for yourself, that's so necessary in the midst of all the constant attention he clearly wants.  

One thing my therapist has to remind me of from time to time is that i can't make anybody change other than myself, and sometimes that takes some big boundaries. Your husband does sound pretty anxious and depressed, and that's really difficult to deal with day after day. Is there a therapist familiar with BPD you could see? Mine has helped me clarify what stuff is mine to be responsible for and what's my husband's. i'm gonna go look at those links Grey Kitty put down.  

i'm with everybody else here that says to be sure to spend some time where you can be uninterrupted... .

It's definitely work to find some balance, but worthwhile.

Pullin' for ya, nosuchdragon!