Was sure, now doubting myself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have posted on here previously when I left my ex for some time out after a year from hell. I only knew about BPD when my psychologist said it sounds like he has it. He is controlling, made me feel very isolated from family and friends, very black and white, shows no empathy for me or anyone else, never had my needs met it was all about him. Have been pushed away many times in our relationship only to be pulled back but only left about a month ago when it became too much, took a lot for me to leave but was pushed too far. Was called many names moron sl**t, stupid which I didn't deserve. Didn't know about BPD wish I did a long time ago but it seems to fit, I just can't seem to get through to him, he doesn't think rationally. I have told him about BPD, what have I got to lose but apparently he read up on it and said he can see some of me in the explanation as well.

Anyway after a month interstate when we had called it officially off (or so I thought) I still got texts from him seeing if I was coming back to try and make things work. No real admissions other than the fact he has learned from this, grown up and realised where he went wrong but always a but. But you are not united with me in this relationship (sorry not united in being rude to my parents), I need someone to love me 150% fully devoted to me (which I was he wasn't), your mum is controlling etc etc. I never thought the way to woo someone back was to abuse their parents again. He wonders why I hesitate to come back, when he realised I wasn't coming back he said I'm happiest now than I have ever been presumably as I don't have you lot in my life, I'm moving on to dating websites, I love you but have to move forwards. Take your status off Facebook and I can move on, stop playing games. So we had no contact again, I ended up writing a letter more for me to make sure I had been as clear as I can no confusion which took me all day to write and then 5 mins after sending he says because you are not staying to work things out it is well and truly over I am on a dating website let me know when you are going to pick up the rest of your stuff. Well if that isn't closure what is. He made ref to a couple of things, not how I felt but how I was having a go at him. Then the next night said good luck in your work assignment this week.

I decided I would go and get the rest of my stuff Sunday but wanted to see him because I did miss him and wanted to see what he said face to face. We had quite a heated conversation for the first hour where my ex tried to explain why he didn't like my mum, she apparently interferes. I worked on the farm didn't get paid and my mum asked me what happens with my super, I was like I don't know I'll ask, my ex was angry that it come from my mum. He says its like she doesn't trust me and that I'm controlled by her but she was only looking out for my interests as sometimes I'm a bit naieve in those situations. He said I didn't ask for a prenup so I trusted you. That is the only example he could give and because of his dislike for her, he tried to stop her having any part in our wedding, so cruel. He does recognise he has overreacted but he has been that mean to my parents they want nothing to do with him now which took a lot for them to say as they don't want to make it hard for me. They tried to talk it through with him for a year but he avoided it and things festered between them. He didn't care what position it put me in, I am very close to my family I just wanted them all to coexist is that too much to ask. He started to resent me after a while hence the name calling as I kept wanting him to make amends. He said if your parents don't apologise I won't either.

I know after reading this you are prob thinking how I would go back to him but it was really nice to see him last night the feelings are still there but it almost feels like I would be giving up my family for him. He doesn't like them staying (they are interstate) and I feel it wouldn't take much for my mum and dad to say anything and he might react. Should I just go and pick my stuff up Sunday and make that the end, I just don't know how we can come back from this?

[loz1982]

I have posted on here previously when I left my ex for some time out after a year from hell. I only knew about BPD when my psychologist said it sounds like he has it. He is controlling, made me feel very isolated from family and friends, very black and white, shows no empathy for me or anyone else, never had my needs met it was all about him. Have been pushed away many times in our relationship only to be pulled back but only left about a month ago when it became too much, took a lot for me to leave but was pushed too far. Was called many names moron sl**t, stupid which I didn't deserve. Didn't know about BPD wish I did a long time ago but it seems to fit, I just can't seem to get through to him, he doesn't think rationally. I have told him about BPD, what have I got to lose but apparently he read up on it and said he can see some of me in the explanation as well.

Anyway after a month interstate when we had called it officially off (or so I thought) I still got texts from him seeing if I was coming back to try and make things work. No real admissions other than the fact he has learned from this, grown up and realised where he went wrong but always a but. But you are not united with me in this relationship (sorry not united in being rude to my parents), I need someone to love me 150% fully devoted to me (which I was he wasn't), your mum is controlling etc etc. I never thought the way to woo someone back was to abuse their parents again. He wonders why I hesitate to come back, when he realised I wasn't coming back he said I'm happiest now than I have ever been presumably as I don't have you lot in my life, I'm moving on to dating websites, I love you but have to move forwards. Take your status off Facebook and I can move on, stop playing games. So we had no contact again, I ended up writing a letter more for me to make sure I had been as clear as I can no confusion which took me all day to write and then 5 mins after sending he says because you are not staying to work things out it is well and truly over I am on a dating website let me know when you are going to pick up the rest of your stuff. Well if that isn't closure what is. He made ref to a couple of things, not how I felt but how I was having a go at him. Then the next night said good luck in your work assignment this week.

I decided I would go and get the rest of my stuff Sunday but wanted to see him because I did miss him and wanted to see what he said face to face. We had quite a heated conversation for the first hour where my ex tried to explain why he didn't like my mum, she apparently interferes. I worked on the farm didn't get paid and my mum asked me what happens with my super, I was like I don't know I'll ask, my ex was angry that it come from my mum. He says its like she doesn't trust me and that I'm controlled by her but she was only looking out for my interests as sometimes I'm a bit naieve in those situations. He said I didn't ask for a prenup so I trusted you. That is the only example he could give and because of his dislike for her, he tried to stop her having any part in our wedding, so cruel. He does recognise he has overreacted but he has been that mean to my parents they want nothing to do with him now which took a lot for them to say as they don't want to make it hard for me. They tried to talk it through with him for a year but he avoided it and things festered between them. He didn't care what position it put me in, I am very close to my family I just wanted them all to coexist is that too much to ask. He started to resent me after a while hence the name calling as I kept wanting him to make amends. He said if your parents don't apologise I won't either.

I know after reading this you are prob thinking how I would go back to him but it was really nice to see him last night the feelings are still there but it almost feels like I would be giving up my family for him. He doesn't like them staying (they are interstate) and I feel it wouldn't take much for my mum and dad to say anything and he might react. Should I just go and pick my stuff up Sunday and make that the end, I just don't know how we can come back from this?

[TakingWingAtLast]

I understand your pain and doubt.  Many on here struggle with such issues.  It seems to me that your first paragraph is laying it out quite well.   Follow your own advise above and take control.

We're all cheering for you!

[loz1982]

When you say take control do you mean stay strong and don't go back? I love him but something is holding me back!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dearest Loz, 

I'm no professional here.  I'm a newbie like yourself trying to figure this out.   I hardly know what's up or down myself.   If you think your partner is pwBPD, then yes, you should leave.   Or minimally, stay only if your partner agrees to DBT or similar therapy.  If you don't think he is, then you have to make your decisions about what you want to do.

The hardest thing for us nons is to take control and make a decision about your course of action.  But in fact that's what you have to do.   

For myself I choose freedom from such a toxic relationship.  Even as a suffer from the loss to my soul.

D

When you say take control do you mean stay strong and don't go back? I love him but something is holding me back!

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Loz, it sounds like maybe you were thinking the relationship was over but after talking in person, you felt like you miss him? Is that right? I think that is totally understandable. I'm sure that I'd feel the same if I talked with my exgf in person too.

One way that might help you decide on this is to make a list of things you want in a partner. Do you want somebody who is in tune with your feelings, someone who supports you in your endeavors, somebody who will listen to your complaints at the end of a long day, somebody who cooks you breakfast in bed on the weekend, what do YOU want? Then think about how well he fulfills your wants. What does it mean if he doesn't fulfill a majority of your wants?

Also, however your relationship has been, you should imagine it staying the same without him changing. Can you see yourself in a year with him with no change? What about 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?

It's totally fine to miss him. That's simply how you feel, and feelings can never be wrong -- they are just how we feel in the moment. However, shouldn't we also take into account our best interests when we make decisions on how we act?

Hang in there, Loz. 

[loz1982]

Thanks Learning you make very good points, I knew by going to see him would be a bad idea, stir things up in me again. It's just a really confusing state to be in, I've been in relationships before where they have broken up as one person has fallen out of love so it's understandable. This situation is we both still love each other and miss each other then why am I hesitating going back. I guess that is when I forget the bad times. What is really sad is that it is how he has treated my family that is holding me back, my parents said if we passed away tomorrow you would prob be back there. He has shown total disrespect for them the past year been very rude to my mum, they tried to see him to talk to him but he refused and it festered to the point it is today where they never want to see him again. It was only that I was wanting him to make amends with them for the sake of our future and my happiness that he started to resent me and call me names! I asked him did he think about things like our wedding future kids bdays when he acted like this and he said no, I guess that's the immaturity of BPD coming out. By going back I would feel I'm sort of losing my family over him which I don't think I could handle, maybe if we took them out of it I could go back with no needs being met and that is prob a reflection of me and my self esteem at the moment as I should want and deserve more for myself. I can't believe I didn't notice my needs not being met the last 2 1/2 years! My ex has finally admitted he overreacted about my mum helping out with flowers for our wedding, he was always going you should have spoken to him first so we could delegate roles with his parents or they would feel left out. I'm sorry I didn't do that maybe we wouldn't be in this position one but he knows I would have involved his parents in any way in any capacity if they had of asked. I found his dating profile and he wants a loyal devoted girl who loves to get her hands dirty on the farm, he had that in me but never appreciated it

[loz1982]

Well very upset tonight I made an error and caught up with my ex I had planned to collect the rest of my stuff but couldn't do it with him there I'm not strong enough as I love him to bits and I can't face the finality of it all. When I first got there he was quite confrontational but then he got quite emotional bought out the smokes he hasn't done that since I have known him and said since I have left he sits out on the deck and has a drink and smoke because he is so sad! It tugs at my heart strings cause even though his words haven't exactly encouraged me to come back I know deep down he is hurting really badly. He said I just want you to come home, I wish he'd of just said that instead of some of the texts he sent. I'm happier now that I don't have u and your family in my life, it's completely over I'm on dating website now and your family are no hopers as they don't have as much money just to name a few! I don't like to see him hurting so much and I can fix that but at what price. He still says I'm the boss, I'll always have the last say, your parents need to respect me in my house are comments that concern me, there is no boss in a relationship and he should respect my parents especially as they have done nothing to him! I've been left very torn by this visit and he said you have my heart no one on the dating websites compare so I need to make up my mind so he can move fwd with his life so now all the onus is on me but I haven't caused this  how do you make such a life changing decision? I need a crystal ball!

[HarmKrakow]

Well very upset tonight I made an error and caught up with my ex I had planned to collect the rest of my stuff but couldn't do it with him there I'm not strong enough as I love him to bits and I can't face the finality of it all. When I first got there he was quite confrontational but then he got quite emotional bought out the smokes he hasn't done that since I have known him and said since I have left he sits out on the deck and has a drink and smoke because he is so sad! It tugs at my heart strings cause even though his words haven't exactly encouraged me to come back I know deep down he is hurting really badly. He said I just want you to come home, I wish he'd of just said that instead of some of the texts he sent. I'm happier now that I don't have u and your family in my life, it's completely over I'm on dating website now and your family are no hopers as they don't have as much money just to name a few! I don't like to see him hurting so much and I can fix that but at what price. He still says I'm the boss, I'll always have the last say, your parents need to respect me in my house are comments that concern me, there is no boss in a relationship and he should respect my parents especially as they have done nothing to him! I've been left very torn by this visit and he said you have my heart no one on the dating websites compare so I need to make up my mind so he can move fwd with his life so now all the onus is on me but I haven't caused this  how do you make such a life changing decision? I need a crystal ball!

You don't need a crystal ball.

You do need to focus on your own healing. He's poking, he's itching and biting and seeing how and if you would respond.

If you didn't cause this, why are you in pain? If a neighbour kid rings the door and tells you, lady I hold you responsible for kicking away our ball. And you'd be like, whatever, that doesn't concern me and you drop that away.

So why don't you drop it away here? Oh wait, you had feelings for this persons, very deep feelings. Entangled emotionally. But were you in love with him? Or were you in love what he gave you? The mirror he held up every time you guys met and you basically fell in love with yourself?

What do you seek from him? An apology? A 'im sorry'? Or a moment of wisdom or clearance? Aint going to happen, and even if it does, would you believe the kid in front of your door saying; "sorry?" ... It's just a kid. We let them play and we move on.

[heartandwhole]

loz1982,

I'm sorry you are feeling so torn and upset about this.  It's really hard to think straight when the emotions are running high.    I've been there.

I don't like to see him hurting so much and I can fix that but at what price.

Unfortunately, no, you can't "fix" his hurt.  Even if you sacrifice yourself, your family, and everything you want in a relationship, and get back together – he will still have his pain to deal with, and so will you.

Please don't do anything rash.  You are not responsible for his actions, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.  Your gut is telling you something– his behavior conflicts with your values. 

If you can, take a breather and really focus on what you want and need in a partner, like learning_curve74 said.  A relationship in which none of your healthy needs for intimacy are being met can be a super catalyst for change – in you – which will eventually lead to much better relationships.  It's all about what's going on inside of you, not him.

heart

[loz1982]

Thank you HarmKrakow and Heartandwhole, your comments are greatly appreciated. The child with the lost boy analogy hit home, I've too empathetic for my own good, always put other peoples needs before my own, perhaps that is what I need to work through with my psychologist. I know ultimately it is his actions that put him in this position but I don't think he sees that as he isn't getting any help, I feel the weight of his happiness on my shoulders.

Well earlier on I sought an apology especially for my parents for the sake of a happy future, he made the most disgusting phone call to my parents but when it come to the crunch, his apology was basically he meant what he said but shouldn't have said it out loud. Then after I left yes I was seeking clarity, an admission to what he is done to convince me he is aware so it won't rear its ugly head in the future but he might have moments of this when he said he needs to see someone to talk about his unhappy childhood (I believe it is where it all started) to a week later having none of what he said. Going on tablets to taking himself off them when he hasn't been properly diagnosed anyway, he went to his mums doctor who gave him the same tablets as she was on. Yesterday saying he overreacted to my parents but earlier in the day was so antagonistic again. Who is the real person? Which part of what he is saying does he believe? Do you think he knows what he is doing and is deliberately appealing to my softer side? It was like two different people yesterday.

Yes that is what my gut is saying, I always said I wouldn't date anyone who was rude to my parents but I let all those values go out the window which doesn't say much for my resolve. I mean my mum isn't perfect but she has never done anything personal to him, maybe if she had moved on and dropped it we might be okay now but I understand why she wanted an explanation about why he is so rude to her. Shouldn't he be made accountable for his actions? My friend pointed out you seem to be the type that rely on a guy to make you happy when you should be happy within yourself, when you have been through what I have been through, your self esteem gets even lower. I have never been asked of so much out of a relationship and not gotten much back. Do people with BPD actually love? I love him but the more I think about it I love the good him, there has been too much of bad him in the past year. Why did I have such a good 1 1/2 years then this happen? I think too much damage has been done but I could see that we were going to get to this point if it kept going the way it did, he was in control but he never did anything about it

[GreenMango]

Loz I think your gut and read on this man are spot on.

Yeah he's move when he's getting his way but he's also been pretty emotionally manipulative.

I think about the fact that he's very isolating for you.  And he needs to be the one who calls the shots.

Please run thru what life would be like in this situation long term.  It's an important exercise to see the things as they are - the facts - and not the potential if they change and how that will impact your happiness, your family, any future children, your job, etc.

It's ok to miss the person.  That doesn't always mean the person is a good choice long term.

What would a future look like with him seeing the hints you've seem so far?

[loz1982]

Thanks Greenmango, you are right about someone who likes to call the shots, he continually mentions that he is the boss and that he always has the last say. That is fine in working life, he has got where he is because of this but not in personal life. My cousin said to me the key to most successful relationships is there is no boss, I mean I like tradition and I am not a good decision maker and pretty cruisy but doesn't mean I don't want my opinions to matter. He said I need to stand up for myself more, I have been for the past year trying to make him take ownership for his actions and all I have got is resentment and name calling. He has really struggled with this situation as I am in control now and he isn't handling it very well. I think that is why he reacted to my mum making some suggestions about flowers for our wedding, I didn't come to him first so it was out of his control, never mind he didn't even care about the flowers. He said I have been imagining what my wedding would be like all my life and it wasn't going how I imagined it. He can't handle any deviation in anything outside his beliefs. That doesn't bode well for a relationship.

That is why I hesitate to go back, I might be upset now but would I be happier in the future if I didn't go back, short term pain for long term gain sort of thing. I worry as Mum and Dad don't want to have anymore to do with him, who will walk me down the aisle, no one on my side would be happy for us at the moment especially if I got pregnant, what about kids birthdays how awkward would that be. What about when I first have a baby it would be nice to have my mum there but he sort of scoffed at that as I have him there to help. That's not the point! He didn't think of these things before he acted a year ago, are they just not capable of thinking things through? Do BPD sufferers always act so impulsively? Is that something they can learn not to do? Is he a good choice for anyone, am I just a trigger or a test case for him, do you think he has learnt a lot from us to have a better relationship next time? I do feel like he isolates me, once upon a time he said my parents weren't even allowed on the farm and he isn't sure about our kids hanging out with them, he has since taken it back but who says those sort of things! Every other person can see what has happened but not him or maybe he can see but is just incapable of saying sorry, his pride is in the way!

[GreenMango]

are they just not capable of thinking things through?[/quote]


If it's BPD generally speaking emotions take precedent.  And it's more about alleviated crappy emotions than anything. 

Do BPD sufferers always act so impulsively?

Impulsivity is a characteristic of the disorder.  Knee jerk reactions to emotions and thoughts.  Sometimes those thoughts and feelings aren't real grounded in reality - so to speak.  They can be distorted - like when your ex felt that your mom was a threat because she wants to be involved in the wedding.  Or thinking that you won't need your mom when you have a baby because he will be around - it's more of fear of abandonment, poor self worth thing.

Is that something they can learn not to do?

Generally speaking yes in the right kind of therapy.  The DBT course (recommended therapy for BPD) is extensive anywhere from 2-3 years.  Relearning emotional regulation skills, interaction skills, etc.  It takes patient commitment and that usually is the barrier.  Patient rejection of therapy.

Is he a good choice for anyone, am I just a trigger or a test case for him, do you think he has learnt a lot from us to have a better relationship next time?

From what you wrote, his insecurities, control issues, and skills to conflict management don't read as good potential for a partner.  Most self-help and healthy relationship characteristics don't advise entering into a relationship with a person where these behaviors are as bad as he seems to exhibit and when the person denies any problems.   It might be different if he was trying to work through these destructive emotions and behaviors but he seems to be stuck in blaming. 

Honest opinion, a person like this isn't good choice if you want a harmonious relationship. He maybe a good choice for a person who doesn't have family, any outside obligations, and prefers to have a partner that needs to be in control while being in a submissive position.

Try to not measure yourself against whether it would work for someone else.  It's a way to make yourself feel like crap. 

One thing that helped me Loz was to write a list of what kind of values, principles and personality traits I felt were a good match for me and then to write a list of the other person's traits.  Then compare them.  It might give you a better sense of what he's offering and whether that works for you.

Do you want to write the list here?

[loz1982]

Thank you for breaking down my message Green Mango, it really helps me understand that Im not going crazy and I'm not overreacting to my ex's behaviour. He did appear to get help through the middle of the year went on tablets and saw a psychologist but I think he used the psychologist to talk about my parents more than himself or otherwise she might have diagnosed him. He went to 3 sessions then we went away on holidays and he hasn't been back since. He took himself off the tablets as well cold turkey. I wish I had to known about BPD earlier I would've pushed the issue, set some boundaries (or tried too) told him to stick with help or I'm leaving and most of all not take it personally. His mum was the one to say to him to get help, she saw some of her in him and she is on tablets.

He seems to admit things but its quickly followed by blame for someone else so it counteracts what he is saying. I just don't know how to break my own heart, I never thought I would have too and break his in the meantime. How do you get the strength to do that? I mean do I say if he gets help for the long term like a year give me a buzz and if Im single Ill see if anything has changed (sounds stupid I know)

See I'm quite a submissive passive person I do like a male to take control but not this much, this affects my happiness, he should not interfere in my relationship with my family and friends, that is sacred. I wouldn't even dream or have the energy to do that to him why does he want to bring these extra stresses to his and our lives. Doesn't he realise relationships are hard enough? He seems to want to control my life if he feels I'm being wronged by my mother he feels it is his place to intervene. I can fight my own battles I appreciate his support but he has done so much harm this way. He sees it as helping I see it as interfering.

What traits I value in a partner:

Someone who respects my family and friends,

Someone who is honest

Someone who is easy going and relaxed

Someone who judges me and likes me for who I am not what I do

Someone who respects me and my opinions

Someone who doesn't play games what you see is what you get!

Someone who is loving, puts me first most of the time and I will in turn put them first

Someone who is thoughtful thinks about their consequences before they act

Someone who works as a team, inside and outside the house

My ex personality traits:

He can be quite loving and we are always cuddling

He has a great sense of humour and often makes me laugh

Loves spending 24/7 with me going to the supermarket shops, enjoyed each others company when all was good

He is very driven work wise and has been very successful financially

He is controlling

He can often judge me in what I can do for him not who I am

He is very anal about cooking and cleaning believes that is my job but wants me to help him in the chicken sheds

He has a short temper, can often take things out on me

Is very caveman in his views on life, he is the boss

Wants me to be more assertive but in turn doesn't take anything on board when I do speak up

Hasn't shown me respect or my family, he treats his family a certain way and expects me to do the same

Is very mixed up, says one thing one week and can change his tune the next week, not sure what is true and what isn't!

I am pretty easily pleased but I wasn't really getting any needs met so that is where I draw the line. I could almost be happy with just meeting his needs without all the other stuff that happened with my parents etc. I know I shouldn't say that I should want more for myself, I guess I have never really had more in such a long time so don't know what that is like anymore so I just settled as I loved him and thought it would change!

[GreenMango]

As far as a therapy and requesting it you can do that.  It's one of those tough situations and requires a clear idea of articulating your expectations.  DEARMAN is best in those situations.

It requires looking at his 'performance' while in therapy and measuring changes.  Letting him show you if he's committed to it.

It really doesn't matter if you are submissive or quiet by nature.  What does matter us if you are feeling like you are respected and the relationship is primarily healthy.  You can be the softer one if the two and still be respected and not bullied.  The best leaders in a relationship realize this.

Some questions to ask yourself may be is this relaionship a power struggle?  Do those struggles result in abusive behavior - name calling, accusations, stone walking, insults, etc?  Is there mutual communication and how does conflict get resolved?  Do you feel safe emotionally and physically?

Picking a partner is one of the most important decisions you'll make and it will have profound effect on the shaping the quality of the rest of your life.  What kind of partner do you think he would be?

[loz1982]

It worries me re therapy that if I say I'll come back if you commit to therapy and he just thinks she is back ill do it for awhile but then stop. I'm then back and it will be extra hard to leave! I wanted to see him make an effort while I was away to improve I saw a psychologist but he didn't do anything! Instead I got text after text of blame to my parents and me and then telling me he is on a dating website. Even now he is still on it even though I have his heart and he would have me over anyone. So his energy is towards filling the void not seeking help. What does that mean for our future.

No I don't feel I'm respected  for who I am constantly having to prove myself in my cooking and cleaning abilities before he would help me, prove my abilities on the farm and I don't deserve his treatment if me, I did nothing to warrant it except try and make him happy. What about my happiness? How can someone show such blatant disregard for my feelings, it always seemed to be about him  he just expected me to be very grateful for the lifestyle he was providing me. I don't care about financial support emotional is more important! If threats are bullying them I got bullied you can't have an argument with threats.  If he doesn't get his own way  it would result in  emotional abuse or threats to end the relationship. He is willing to chat about things but it's always his way or the highway! He says I have the last say which is fine farm wise not in our relationship though! Those sort of comments concern me! I feel safe physically but emotionally walk on eggshells a bit lately wondering what sort of mood he is in!

I think he is a good provider financially and when he is good we are fantastic we connect so well and I love spending time with him, he makes me laugh. But there is also this controlling side that is worrying and very isolating and the lack of empathy is very hard to deal with as I have heaps of it so it's hard to understand someone that has none!

[GreenMango]

Well every relationship is conditional.  Whether people like to talk about it or not.  It gets messy when talking about unconditional love - that doesn't preclude having relationships conditions for participating.  You can love and care about someone from afar.

As far as an I'll come back if you get therapy that doesn't work.  If you want to try with him its more productive to base your condition on his improve.  No changes, no consistent improvement, no participation from you and this isn't set it stone its milestones.

But you've mentioned huge issues:

Lack of empathy

Pathological need for control

Family and background differences.

Issues with authority

These factors bode really heavily on relationship satisfaction.

Unfortunately for him it isn't 1900 and this isn't an arranged marriage where being a good provider solely is enough.  This man has some hard lessons about relationshios in contemporary society even if you are into more traditional roles.  Women have more options and freedom.

He's not willing to step up his relationship skills and feels like he's doing you a favor, or gracing you with his presence (entitlement).  Is he doing you any favors or gracing you with his presence offering this style of relationship?

[loz1982]

No he isn't doing me any favours by providing me with this lifestyle, with him not there it is no lifestyle and the same with me, I asked him what is this farm without me and he said lonely! I couldn't care if he was a garbage collector I just wanted his love and respect!. Yes I believe even Croatian girls would struggle with  his old school ways. On his dating site he said I have old fashioned views and values so he admits it! I need someone who cares about what matters to me like family, I always thought that was a given in a relationship I didn't think you would have to tell your partner that. I wouldn't dream of disrespecting him or his parents as I love him and they are part of him! I don't think it is just as easy as just improving his relationship skills people with BPD don't see what they are doing is wrong is that right? I tried to tell him that I don't want just financial support but he just doesn't understand!