Navigation and mind reading

[Murbay]

It's been 3 weeks since I last saw BPDgf and 2 weeks since she said she needed to be on her own right now as she just causes suffering to all around her. She asked that we can be friends for now as she is dealing with a lot of things going on in her life. I agreed and told her that I'm right here, not going anywhere on her and if she needs anything she only has to ask. I know she is struggling with a lot of issues right now and that it must be difficult for her so I have taken a step back and getting on with things I need to.

She blocked me on facebook but told me she is trying to come off there as she doesn't want to be around anyone right now. However, I now know that to be an untruth so has left me quite confused as to what is going on. It seems she has split herself right now, the public image being one of fun, laughter, flirting and her usual self. The other being an emotional mess, guess which half I get?

I have text her every few days, as a friend, to ask how she is doing and how her day has been. She responds almost immediately but still seems quite detached and telling me how bad she is feeling right now and that everyday is a struggle and that she is only just managing to cope.

All communication right now is by text which is not ideal as it makes it difficult to read into the situation. However, she does have a pattern to her texts and that is “xx” means she is happy with me, “x” means she is talking to me but detached and “no x” which means she is angry with me. It sounds very childlike and perhaps immature though it does help me to identify what mindset she is in as that is all I have to go off when she does this.

A few days ago she responded with “xx” but because I didn’t jump in immediately it switched to “x” and then when I did, she went silent. Yesterday morning started with “no x” and then upgraded to “x” after I validated her feelings. It turned out that she was annoyed that I didn’t send her a text the day before because she had a very rough day. I’m finding it difficult right now to navigate the madness but respecting her wishes at the same time.

Then tonight I got a message from her cousin as we are very good friends, asking if we’ve managed to sort things out yet because she thinks the world of me and is quite down. That left me really confused so I told him that I didn’t know what he was on about, that gf had asked for some time on her own because she was overwhelmed with outside events of the past few weeks. That I have sent her texts to ask how she is doing and that I’m still very much right here. This has confused him as she is really upset that I’ve taken a step back. He is going over to see her tomorrow and said he wanted to find out what is going on. I’ve asked him not to on my behalf but know he will anyway.

Previously, when she has done this, I have given her the space she needs then sent her an email. I haven’t done that this time and I’m wondering if this is what is getting to her, that I haven’t gone chasing this time. In this instance there is a lot going on for her right now but I just feel whichever way I go will be the wrong way.

Any advice on how to navigate this.

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[an0ught]

Hi Murbay,

I've seen a few posters here in facebook relationships with a pwBPD SO that decided to actually not having a FB relationship anymore. Consider breaking off the facebook aspect of the relationship if you see it as a destabilizing factor. It is a drama prone area - you flick a switch and it is black&white decision. That decision is communicated without you having to face the person. The message arrives through a channel with some delay and hits the other person in a random emotional state. Why should this ever be working in a smooth manner unless the other person has a certain degree of self restraint?

It sounds very childlike and perhaps immature though it does help me to identify what mindset she is in as that is all I have to go off when she does this.

Indeed, while it seems to be a "big" b&w decision it contains almost zero information. Ignore FB and use other, richer communication channels like email or phone.