Being friends just does not work

[Depression = 72% of members]

I broke off my engagement with my ex BPDbf in June. He and I had booked a holiday for August which we went on together. It was silly really because our whole relationship was still too raw for me. He felt it fine to want to have sex! I declined! He was distant and cold and then when I said I wanted a day on my own I came back to the hotel room checking my phone! Cutting to the chase however he wanted to stay friends.

We bought a puppy while together. The puppy stayed with me as his home is too small and he had actually moved in to my family home with my children. So when he left we kept the dog. This has been his excuse to keep in contact. We met for a walk and it was fine soon after our holiday and then I have successfully and slowly rebuilt my life after 3 years of a roller coaster. Last weekend he text to ask if we could go for a walk and I could only make Sunday. He was out to lunch. No offer of who with or where etc. he is always vague and secretive. I make a point of being chatty and offering more just bec I am not the least bit bothered and have nothing to hide. The consequence was we could not meet. I then got several texts asking about my dinner party I was having, how the dog was, could I send a picture of him. I duly did. His last texts was give Barney ( the dog) a hug from me and I sent him a pic of Barney with a hug!

This weekend I text to say I was free on Sunday if he wanted to meet for walk and beer. We had not text all week. And nothing... .I text to double check he received my text. Nothing. He cannot do as others would and just say busy this weekend. He just ignores my text. It is because he has gone away with another woman and the secrecy and silence all starts again! I am not bothered as we are over and I feel nothing for him.

It is impossible to just be friends with him. He behaves just as he did when we were in a relationship. He does not need me at the moment, even as a friend, so cuts me out!

Fortunately I have moved on significantly but I still allowed myself to get cross and fed up. Probably with myself for carrying on the contact believing he can behave in a healthy, normal friendship. You try to be nice! He has so few friends!

I now need to distance myself completely and focus on me. Time to finally give up!

[Starlight607]

I broke off my engagement with my ex BPDbf in June. He and I had booked a holiday for August which we went on together. It was silly really because our whole relationship was still too raw for me. He felt it fine to want to have sex! I declined! He was distant and cold and then when I said I wanted a day on my own I came back to the hotel room checking my phone! Cutting to the chase however he wanted to stay friends.

We bought a puppy while together. The puppy stayed with me as his home is too small and he had actually moved in to my family home with my children. So when he left we kept the dog. This has been his excuse to keep in contact. We met for a walk and it was fine soon after our holiday and then I have successfully and slowly rebuilt my life after 3 years of a roller coaster. Last weekend he text to ask if we could go for a walk and I could only make Sunday. He was out to lunch. No offer of who with or where etc. he is always vague and secretive. I make a point of being chatty and offering more just bec I am not the least bit bothered and have nothing to hide. The consequence was we could not meet. I then got several texts asking about my dinner party I was having, how the dog was, could I send a picture of him. I duly did. His last texts was give Barney ( the dog) a hug from me and I sent him a pic of Barney with a hug!

This weekend I text to say I was free on Sunday if he wanted to meet for walk and beer. We had not text all week. And nothing... .I text to double check he received my text. Nothing. He cannot do as others would and just say busy this weekend. He just ignores my text. It is because he has gone away with another woman and the secrecy and silence all starts again! I am not bothered as we are over and I feel nothing for him.

It is impossible to just be friends with him. He behaves just as he did when we were in a relationship. He does not need me at the moment, even as a friend, so cuts me out!

Fortunately I have moved on significantly but I still allowed myself to get cross and fed up. Probably with myself for carrying on the contact believing he can behave in a healthy, normal friendship. You try to be nice! He has so few friends!

I now need to distance myself completely and focus on me. Time to finally give up!

[Pretty Woman]

Starlight (what a pretty name),

   When my ex would dump me she immediately would go into "friend" mode, telling me we would be best friends and this was for the best. I would argue it at the time because I couldn't understand why she was friending me... .

all of a sudden IF someone was in the picture I became the devil incarnate and she would tell me there was no way we could EVER be friends. She would delete and block all means of communication and blame the entire relationship issues on me, no accountability.

She is with my replacement now and I see the pattern. It has nothing to do with love, only NEED.

I noticed when we were dating, she would talk about exes like they were "best friends" and then for awhile she wouldn't talk about them at all.  It was really odd. I think when things were good she would ignore them but when she was having doubts about us they were on speed dial.

It's scary how this pattern repeats and repeats. We are the only thing that can stop it.

[Starlight607]

You are so right Earth Angel. He was on speed dial within the cycle of highs and cannot live without me love and then withdrawal and silence before cheating then contrition.

It is need isn't it. And he does not need me at the moment.

[Pretty Woman]

It's hard because we are loving people, you and I and all the people on this board... .for sure... .

but we are also needy. If we weren't we would be done with these people.

Not sure if you are in therapy but I highly recommend it.

My therapist said to me... .if I was healthy I never would have stayed.

That is so true. Each time, the BPD preys on a weaker target.  I am a lesbian but have always dated men before this woman. I actually asked HER out!

She ended up leaving me for a mutual "friend" who has never been in a lesbian relationship and is more psychologically wounded than I am... .

she was married for four years and her husband left after two. He never spoke to her again and she WAITED two years to divorce him thinking he might come back.

Um... .yeah.

So the pattern just repeats. When they are lonely or it is not working out they send out feelers. She was talking to three of her exes while dating me. I thought it was a lesbian thing... .until I met more lesbians and found out it wasn't.

A lot of my friends referred to her as a player. I look at it differently. The last year of our relationship we were rarely physical. Each time she dumped me I trusted her less.

She ran off to an ex in another state for a month.  I assumed it was because she would get sex and they did have it... .but she ran back to me.

I think it is they are so un-happy they need multiple people or objects to fill that given need. No one person possesses everything they "need" to be happy.

They will never be happy with just one person.

[Pretty Woman]

Myself, another poster on BPD Family posted this awhile back. It totally applies:

"We were there for them before, and they know it. We've already proved it, showed we don't give up easily, and care for them no matter what. Who wouldn't want to run back home to that? The running away is the deeper problem".

[Starlight607]

Gosh what a roller coaster you describe! And the post you quote absolutely applies. I am in the privileged position of having been dumped so many times by my ex each time recently made it easier to stay single. I am so content now waking up knowing I am not wondering what mood my ex BPDbf will be in, whether I have to cover up his BPD traits to others yet again or pretend I am fine when my world has been turned upside down again. I certainly was needy in my past. I have experienced some pretty rough situations. I had real low self esteem and attachment issues. I have had some counselling and through time, reading, this site and some real work on myself recognising the issues I have had has resulted in the best I have felt in years. What I have learnt this weekend just gone is that there is no point putting energy into being friends with my ex BPD bf. He has so few friends and is miserable most of the time but he simply does not know how to have good friends or be a good friend himself. I also think as well as being unhappy they are so insecure and lacking trust they just think they have to get out to protect themselves. I also wondered if because he lied and had secrets and almost led a double life sometimes he just thought I must do too! All very confusing at the time! Now I am just glad to be out and this site is brilliant to re visit if I think about the horrendous relationship I was in and need to return some perspective to my thoughts, such as events this weekend. Thank you for reading my rumblings.

I hope you are in a better place now Earth Angel

[Pretty Woman]

Well this is still fresh... .she dumped me October 30th and get this... .

the other woman planned a birthday for me November 9th (my birthday proper).

What the heck?

I want to be happy again and this site has helped me. A mutual friend of mine is going out for drinks with my ex and the other woman Weds. I told her not to mention me or tell me anything, I prefer not to know. It is hard knowing they are together but you know what? Better to know now that this friend was a louse than later and better to know I won't be spending the holidays with someone who doesn't love me.

I know the ex spent $300 on a ring for me for my birthday. That is what I find crazy... .I was under stress the weekend before and we were out of town. A friend had stopped talking to me and it really bothered me. She got really mad and told me I ruined her weekend. Sunday night she went out for drinks with the other woman. Monday I asked her to dinner and she said she wasn't ready to forgive and forget... .

Weds she dumped me saying we should see other people and this was a good thing.

This was a week after saying ":)o you have any idea how in love I am with you?"

Apparently not much!

I have a really great network of people I ironically met each time she dumped me. They never liked her because they knew she would do it again, and she did. And I would talk about it ad fininum. I was/am obsessed.

I noticed she would dump me around holidays. Last year she left me on NYD and returned Feb 6th. Then, May 30th and returned July 7th... .then October 30th... .

She can only make it 3mo and she dumps me... .like clockwork.

So I am thinking this new girl is losing her job November 27th. That will be stressful and my ex does not deal with stress. So by my calculations there will be problems end of January if not earlier.

[allweareisallweare]

When I learnt of the nuclear consequences of the rebound within ten days (she actually orchestrated a break up IMO anyway to 'pave the way' I was questioning the ex diagnosed BPD and she said 'we'd have broken up anyway' and at that stage, even though she had someone else who facilitated her mental illness, I was addressed to as 'baby' - now I know I'm painted black, but before that I steamrolled her implying we'd be friends - no, I'm not going to give some their cake and eat it. Relationships and friendships share many traits and loyalty, trust and empathy, which is requisite in any friendship, was never there in the relationship, ultimately, so why would I have been friends? I spelled it out that it was never happening; she lives ten European countries away, FFS! Also, she was like 'X and Y still meet for coffee even though they're divorcing' as if she saw X and Ys arrangement as parallel to ours when X and Y didn't involve BPD. Bottom line is that friendship with these guys is impossible, they have a nascent disorder and that's it.

Anyway, three months nearly no contact; keep going, y'all.

[Pretty Woman]

Allweare,

   Mine did that too this last time. Came over, calmly broke up with me (last times were in a RAGE) and said we should see other people. Immediately I knew.

She proceeded to tell me my friendship was "irreplaceable" and she loved me very, very much, even cried.

When I challenged it and said "no way" to friends (I wasn't about to be her back up) all of a sudden the whole relationship was my fault, I treated her poorly and she couldn't trust ME ever.

What the heck?

She said I betrayed and backstabbed her.

Wait, my friendship was irreplaceable.

Um... .

This is why I thought I was going crazy. She blocked me from everything like that's a real punishment.

Our last contact I told her she abused (physically and mentally) and mistreated me for over a year, I can do better and will.

I then told her I wished her happiness.

She responded with she was blocking her email the next day. I am changing my number and don't plan on being around for her to contact anyways.

[Ironmanrises]

Even when I was friends with mine prior to the relationship, she exhibited the push/pull behavior as I got to know her more and more. All I kept thinking at that time was "There is something really off here but I couldn't pinpoint it at all." She would be all over me with attention and then literally just withdraw all that attention. (We had not even met in person at that point) She would display insane jealousy at my female friends I had(all platonic), tell me "I know you have feelings for such and such friend of yours, don't you?", shortly after this would dismiss everything she said and withdraw. I seriously had no idea what the ___ was going on. NO IDEA. Meanwhile, she was surrounded by "orbiters", you know those guys that hang around an attractive woman and try to outdo each other to get her attention. After one of her "jealousy accusations" at me(again just friends with her at this point", I questioned her on all these guys she had hovering around her, she replies "Oh, they are just my friends, I don't like them like that. How dare you Ironmanfalls ask me about my guy friends when we aren't even in a relationship!" I cannot make this ___ up. See the projection. The contradiction. Do as I say, not as I do. I can question you on your female friends but you cannot question me on my guy friends. And all of this, when I was just friends with her.

Being friends just does not work. For me, it was literally a preview of what was to come when we went from friends to relationship.

[Kettlepot]

At this point in my relationship with my exSO uBPD, I disagree. I think staying friends (in my situation) can work.

We are getting on well and this is due in part by me putting space between us and having taken a step back from the dramas. I don't chase or console or try to fix things (as much!). I just try offer my support and understanding. I do this for me and my own tranquility.

On another thread, GreenMango (30/9/12) said: "If it's not a deal breaker, or something so destructive, it may be best to learn to accept that this is how this person behaves and part of who they are".  This is how I view her actions now.

I'm also working on my own 'needy' issues and trying to develop skills to better handle the rollercoaster that is being with a person who has BPD. This site has been great for this information. 

[WhatTheFrank]

Tried friendship, her expectations of me were like we were still in the relationship, cut contact and haven't looked back.

[seeking balance]

Well Starlight, BPD is an attachment disorder and going from romantic to platonic doesn't really change the attachment part of the disorder, thus you are right - a friendship is just as challenging as romantic.

The staying board lessons apply to BPD friendships too - strong boundaries, not taking things personally, and validation of their emotional state... .only you know if that is worth the effort for your life.

Mine used the dog as an attachment, it felt game playing to me too... .it was not fun.  The only thing you can do is determine the boundary you can live with and go forward accordingly.

Good luck,

SB