On not being special.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know that we often remind ourselves on this board that we are not 'special' to our BPD's but, it hit me this morning that (for me) this knowing, processing and understanding this is a key component holding me back ... keeping me in.

If I accept that all the time that I was feeling so 'special', the pet names, the constant attention/adoration, the confessions - that these were never special at all ... the floor gives way.

The sex/intimacy seemed to ... unique ... .the words, the feelings ... and if I was fooled so utterly and completely ... and if, as is the case, these 'special' things were 'simply' transferred to my replacement ... then ... my world does not make sense.

This is not about him ... not in the sense of wanting 'him' back ... my illusions are too shattered for that ... this is about not being able to swallow the bitter pill of accepting my shame, humiliation and disbelief are real and just - that it isn't some huge mistake/misunderstanding, that nobody WILL ever love me or see me in the way he did because ... well, he didn't even do that.

And so it is.

[damage control]

I know that we often remind ourselves on this board that we are not 'special' to our BPD's but, it hit me this morning that (for me) this knowing, processing and understanding this is a key component holding me back ... keeping me in.

If I accept that all the time that I was feeling so 'special', the pet names, the constant attention/adoration, the confessions - that these were never special at all ... the floor gives way.

The sex/intimacy seemed to ... unique ... .the words, the feelings ... and if I was fooled so utterly and completely ... and if, as is the case, these 'special' things were 'simply' transferred to my replacement ... then ... my world does not make sense.

This is not about him ... not in the sense of wanting 'him' back ... my illusions are too shattered for that ... this is about not being able to swallow the bitter pill of accepting my shame, humiliation and disbelief are real and just - that it isn't some huge mistake/misunderstanding, that nobody WILL ever love me or see me in the way he did because ... well, he didn't even do that.

And so it is.

[necchi]

That is something that keeps us close to the edges... .how come the bad, even though is much larger than the goods, how come our mind minimize it to the point of making us feel guilt or requisitioning for there actions ?

[fromheeltoheal]

No, you were special, but it could have been anyone, is more accurate.  You were the most awesome person in the universe to him for a period of time, that perfect person that finally, after all those years, was going to make all his pain go away and be the perfect mate.  Those feelings were 100% real in his head, it's just that it isn't sustainable and is a fantasy.  I liken it to a crush in high school, which is pretty accurate since that's where my borderline ex was emotionally; high school crushes and loves are extra intense and devastating when they end, then it's off to the next one.

A borderline MUST attach to someone to feel whole, and when it was you, you were the person that completed him.  In could have been anyone, but it was you he affected the attachment with, so you were extremely special for a period of time.  In fact, give yourself the gift of realizing that the good he saw in you, the good he mirrored, was good enough for him to want to attach and become one person with, with no boundary, that's how special you were.

So someone might see you that way again, put you in another fantasy, but real, sustainable love, maybe not as intoxicating and exciting, is at least real and sustainable, and the right dude for you will see you for who you are and want to build a healthy partnership with you, instead of glom onto you to be saved parasitically and create an attachment based on fantasy.  But his feelings were real, both when they were good and when they were bad, there just isn't any gray for a borderline.

[Changingman]

I really want to date a psycho again, maybe a different one to BPD... .Maybe bipolar or some other kind of mentalist.

If a BPD dates a multiple personality disorder will they cheat less?

I think you are giving the condition too much credit, the chaos confused us, the childlike abandonment, charmed us, the covert control and manipulation, blinded us.

It wasn't that good, just connected with some past wounds and the titilation kept us awake. Booze, drugs and sleep deprivation helped it seem exciting, like being in a thriller... .the murderer was... .gasp... .your loved one. They betrayed you in the most henious ways while lying to our faces.

[Changingman]

But inspector they seemed so innocent, they weren't who I thought they were, their finger prints were found on the knife in my back... .no!

[bpdspell]

Damage Control,

It's not that you aren't inherently special or unique; you are.

But in the aftermath of a BPD relationship it's the realization that we fell in love with someone who lacks the capacity to sustain vulnerability and intimacy due to their severely debilitating mental illness. What you shared wasn't fake, phony or a magic trick of seduction.

What you shared with your ex was real for him and you and there's no one on this board who can define what you shared with your ex due to the fact that they weren't in the room with you when you were together. If it felt real in the moment then it was real.

….we have to be very careful about the "language" we use in the aftermath of these breakups. Due to our own pain many of us on here can fall into the trap of our own black and white thinking and we ending up writing things like: "they can't love, they've never loved us, they're robots, they aren't human, "they're soulless"….in the midst of our own rage and anger things can get a little funky sometimes on here... .

I myself am guilty of lashing out and saying quite inappropriate untruths due to the pain of being abandoned by my ex. When I was hurting really badly my pain consumed me and raking my ex through the coals seemed the only logical reaction to all of the abuse I tolerated from him. And yes I shamed myself for believing in his love and handing him my heart but that doesn't mean that at some point in our relationship that the love that they felt for us wasn't true.

Reading that we didn't mean anything to them is a hurtful LIE and a distortion of the truth. We meant something enough to them to trigger their disorder and to me that is a more accurate assessment than dismissing what we shared with them all together.

I'm not writing to give you a false sense of hope but I wanted to chime in to let you know that you weren't worthless to your ex. All of us on here are simply unfortunate to have fall in love with a person who's quite adept at managing and hiding a severe mental illness.

Spell

[topknot]

I understand your not feeling special.  That is what hurt so much to the core, but remember, we are filtering this through our "normal" mind of saying how can a person be so cruel, to do all of the many things they did which made us feel as if we were irreplaceable to them -- and then, like a revolving door in a store, your replacement arrives, and is just as, if not more, amazing to them than you.  It is inconceivable to us, but their filter is different.  As I have said many posts ago, mantras work wonders for me.  When I would start to feel this way, I would repeat in my head, over and over, he has a severe mental illness.  Some days, I said it so much, I was sick of it.  But it finally worked, in that I realized I couldn't have done ANYTHING better, different, cuter - I drove myself nuts trying to do it all perfectly so he would love me.  How stupid in retrospect - it was so not about me all that time, and who knew... .

[Pretty Woman]

Topknot has it down.  We were a need at that time.  The hardest thing for me is my ex coldly cutting me off when there is a replacement. I become the anti Christ... .the trigger. 

I feel bad I have that effect on her but I guess it does make me a little safer for the time being. 

A part of me truly hopes this next relationship works for her. History says otherwise but ido want her to be happy and healthy but maybe that's a pipe dream. 

[damage control]

Thanks to everyone who responded ... I am going to think more on this ... .I still feel it's a roadblock but there are some excellent points put across here ... .

[Mazda]

I really want to date a psycho again, maybe a different one to BPD... .Maybe bipolar or some other kind of mentalist.

If a BPD dates a multiple personality disorder will they cheat less?

I think you are giving the condition too much credit, the chaos confused us, the childlike abandonment, charmed us, the covert control and manipulation, blinded us.

It wasn't that good, just connected with some past wounds and the titilation kept us awake. Booze, drugs and sleep deprivation helped it seem exciting, like being in a thriller... .the murderer was... .gasp... .your loved one. They betrayed you in the most henious ways while lying to our faces.

Changingman,

As a person with bipolar, I find your words very, very offensive.  Having been through the hell of a relationship with a borderline, I can never, ever imagine putting someone through that.  Not every mental illness causes this chaos.

[Nearlybroken]

DC,

I understand your feelings.I have never felt as special and loved as I did in the initial stages of my relationship with expwBPD.Everything:the companionship,the sex,the attention,the adoration made me feel that I had met my soulmate.And I found it difficult to go from that to dealing with someone who,at the best made me feel like I was the worst example of womanhood on the planet and dismiss everything I said and felt in order to make me worthless and at worst, treated me with abuse and contempt the likes of which I had never seen before.His behaviour,at times, has been so bad that I wondered what awful thing I had done to trigger such an extreme reaction.For so long I tried and told myself "if only you say this,or do this,he will see that you love him and he will remember when he told you he loved you and things will be better.He will remember that you were special to him."But the more I tried the more dismissive contempt came my way.I now know that it wasnt me and that I could have done no more.But it is hard to process  his view of  "everything is perfect" to "nothing was ever right" without any solid foundation upon which to understand why he felt that way.Oh and of course the domestic violence (emotional and mental abuse)was no party!I tried everything and yes, there were times I was guilty of behaving badly as the result of being abandoned... .when I really hurt... .going over the past and analysing everything then begging my ex to talk about things seemed the way forward.then I would get more hurt and frustrated when he wouldnt talk to me or would twist things .Urgh... .awful.

I myself suffer from reactive depression and there have been times in my life where I have really stuggled... But never have I "allowed" my mental health issues to take over to the extent my ex's BPD took over his life .But I guess black and white thinking ,lack of empathy and all of the other behaviours exhibited are just as part of the  BPD disorder as those with depression not being able to get out of bed and feeling so upset without really knowing why.I think what I am trying to say is... .despite all the pain ( which we all know) and the trauma... .this isnt personal to you.I think there are too many of us on here telling almost identical stories to know this not to be the case.I ty so hard to tell myself "it's the BPD".Sometimes I believe it... .still doesnt take away the pain.Sometimes I dont and this makes it almost impossible to handle.

Everyone wants to feel special.But I think that though I will never love anyone as much as I loved him.In time I will be able to love someone in a different way.And they will love me back in a way the my ex was not able to do by virtue of his condition.

Though another relationship ,for me ,is way off as I still wish I could wave that magic wand.Silly or what?

Sending you a big hug.NB.xx

[Tincanmike]

Damage Control,

It's not that you aren't inherently special or unique; you are.

But in the aftermath of a BPD relationship it's the realization that we fell in love with someone who lacks the capacity to sustain vulnerability and intimacy due to their severely debilitating mental illness. What you shared wasn't fake, phony or a magic trick of seduction.

What you shared with your ex was real for him and you and there's no one on this board who can define what you shared with your ex due to the fact that they weren't in the room with you when you were together. If it felt real in the moment then it was real.

….we have to be very careful about the "language" we use in the aftermath of these breakups. Due to our own pain many of us on here can fall into the trap of our own black and white thinking and we ending up writing things like: "they can't love, they've never loved us, they're robots, they aren't human, "they're soulless"….in the midst of our own rage and anger things can get a little funky sometimes on here... .

I myself am guilty of lashing out and saying quite inappropriate untruths due to the pain of being abandoned by my ex. When I was hurting really badly my pain consumed me and raking my ex through the coals seemed the only logical reaction to all of the abuse I tolerated from him. And yes I shamed myself for believing in his love and handing him my heart but that doesn't mean that at some point in our relationship that the love that they felt for us wasn't true.

Reading that we didn't mean anything to them is a hurtful LIE and a distortion of the truth. We meant something enough to them to trigger their disorder and to me that is a more accurate assessment than dismissing what we shared with them all together.

I'm not writing to give you a false sense of hope but I wanted to chime in to let you know that you weren't worthless to your ex. All of us on here are simply unfortunate to have fall in love with a person who's quite adept at managing and hiding a severe mental illness.

Spell

To Spell,

Thanks for this post. I really needed it today. I really don't want to hate, I just want to move on. My wife and I did have something special and I truly believe that we really were in love. I have to and need to believe this. She created chaos that turned into the final breakup (of many) because of her illness. It really wasn't all my fault. She just never had the skills or ability to deal with the difficult things in life in a constructive way. And she still doesn't. Even though she's moved on quickly to replacements (which hurts me more than anything else with this), I really do believe that she still loves me. She doesn't have any "use" for me anymore (at least for now). That's what replacements are for, until their batteries run out. Kind of like a kid with a new toy.

I will also always love her, despite the pain and turmoil her illness brought to me and our relationship. Our 8 years together wasn't a bad dream, it was real, but not always sincere. The love was always there, but was always loaded with conditions. It was particularly hard for me as this was my first relationship after many adult years of being single and lonely. Anyone would have made me feel special. Little did I know at the time that the specialness I felt was a tool of sorts my wife used.

It's important for me to realize that I am worthy of love. Of loving others, of others loving me and for now in this healing process of me loving myself.  We "had" something special, at some point somewhere in there, and it was real.  I will forever hold onto these fond memories and continue to try and process the negative ones. Thanks again for what was an uplifting post for myself.

[patientandclear]

I know that we often remind ourselves on this board that we are not 'special' to our BPD's but, it hit me this morning that (for me) this knowing, processing and understanding this is a key component holding me back ... keeping me in.

If I accept that all the time that I was feeling so 'special', the pet names, the constant attention/adoration, the confessions - that these were never special at all ... the floor gives way.

The sex/intimacy seemed to ... unique ... .the words, the feelings ... and if I was fooled so utterly and completely ... and if, as is the case, these 'special' things were 'simply' transferred to my replacement ... then ... my world does not make sense.

This is not about him ... not in the sense of wanting 'him' back ... my illusions are too shattered for that ... this is about not being able to swallow the bitter pill of accepting my shame, humiliation and disbelief are real and just - that it isn't some huge mistake/misunderstanding, that nobody WILL ever love me or see me in the way he did because ... well, he didn't even do that.

And so it is.

DC--I feel exactly this way, too.  There's a concept called the "Just World Hypothesis" -- that most of us go around with some expectation that things work in a certain way, some things are possible, some are not possible.  Then when something happens that is just not possible -- that doesn't align with your explanatory framework of what can possibly be the case -- it really messes up our minds in a deep way because it violates the Just World Hypothesis.  It is not right in a profound way, it shouldn't happen, we cannot really assimilate that it did happen.

Just wanted to say I think you have put your finger on why this is so traumatic.

[Ironmanrises]

On not being special; you are until trigger day, and then you are not. Repeat the sentence from "you are" for each recycle. That is how it has felt for me. From sheer intensity("i want my MY man back", my exes words) to emotional starvation(silent treatment followed by "there is nothing about you that i really like", my exes words in both discards). Special to not special at all. Super special to not super special at all. That summarizes both of my rounds. 

[peacebaby]

BPDSpell put it nicely.

There's no question that my partner and I were deeply in love with each other, that we were and still are special to each other. She's just got something wrong with her brain that made our relationship too unhealthy and we finally got healthy enough to get out.

Honestly, I don't think it's the BPD as much as the being left that is the problem for most people here. I was left twice, and both of those were heartbreaking experiences that it took me years to recover from. During my 12 year relationship with my partner with BPD, I believe I went through all the pain and most of the grieving process while we were still involved, and I'm feeling pretty good about the break up.

We are all special. Even our exes with BPD.

[fromheeltoheal]

On not being special; you are until trigger day, and then you are not. Repeat the sentence from "you are" for each recycle. That is how it has felt for me. From sheer intensity("i want my MY man back", my exes words) to emotional starvation(silent treatment followed by "there is nothing about you that i really like", my exes words in both discards). Special to not special at all. Super special to not super special at all. That summarizes both of my rounds. 

I say we're always special, specially loved one day, specially hated the next.  Being 'special' means we got in deep emotionally, and we got invited on the BPD roller coaster, with all its rises and plummets; we can get off when we want, but we can't smooth out the track.

[Changingman]

I really want to date a psycho again, maybe a different one to BPD... .Maybe bipolar or some other kind of mentalist.

If a BPD dates a multiple personality disorder will they cheat less?

I think you are giving the condition too much credit, the chaos confused us, the childlike abandonment, charmed us, the covert control and manipulation, blinded us.

It wasn't that good, just connected with some past wounds and the titilation kept us awake. Booze, drugs and sleep deprivation helped it seem exciting, like being in a thriller... .the murderer was... .gasp... .your loved one. They betrayed you in the most henious ways while lying to our faces.

Changingman,

As a person with bipolar, I find your words very, very offensive.  Having been through the hell of a relationship with a borderline, I can never, ever imagine putting someone through that.  Not every mental illness causes this chaos.

Mazda,

I apologize, I meant to lighten the mood and pop the balloon of our misery. I will read up about bipolar and enlighten myself. The hurt of a BPD RS is devistating and I didn't mean to confuse it with any other condition, excuse me.

I am a very caring, honest man and meant no harm

Good luck with your healing